Innocence

1

He looked out the window to see her sitting in her car - obviously deciding whether or not she should continue up the steps. She looked pale and sickly, but that didn't diminish the pretty elegance of her face.2

He had received the letter weeks ago and he knew she would be here. He didn't count on her looking so sick and so scared. It was that last paragraph that had scared him. "Don't let me keep putting a knife to my wrist without knowing if you love me, care about me, or don't feel anything at all." It frightened him that she was doing that and he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it. How close had she brought herself to the brink of death without him realizing it? 3

She got out of the car and leaned against it, coming a few inches closer to something she was dreading to do. He could already see the grim determination on her face. She might have to let him go today and from the looks of it, she wasn't ready to let him go. She had cared for him for so long now that, according to the letter, he was so very much a part of her life, even if they had been separated by hundreds, even thousands of miles for over a month now. 4

He didn't want to go their separate ways any more than she did. Yet, to protect her, he knew he had to distance himself from her love. It killed him to see how much it hurt her, but she didn't deserve his life. Being involved with a marine would not be easy and that's where he was headed.5

Being involved with him would be hard on her and he had already hurt her so much. After training, he could be called to duty, anytime, anywhere. And with the war going on in Iraq, there was a definite possibility that he'd be called to go to the front lines. What if he happened to die? What would she do then? She had already proved herself capable of suicide.6

He didn't know how long he had been just sitting there watching her, but since she didn't seem willing to come up to the house, he went out to her. It was the first he had seen her move in about ten minutes when she crossed the road. "Took you long enough," he whispered. He ached to pull her into his arms, having her so close. She was tangible, but there was a distance in her that made him want to pull her back.7

"I didn't know you were watching me," she admitted. "I was wondering if I had been insane to intrude on your life like this."8

"Who said you were intruding?"9

"You did," she said softly. "When you pushed me away. You didn't even answer the letter I sent."10

"Which one?" he asked playfully.11

She looked up into his laughing eyes and smiled wanly. "The letter I sent after your birthday."12

"I know, Chris."13

"You know what," she said after a pause. "I'll just go. It was stupid to come here."14

"No -" he said, startled, grabbing her hand as she turned to leave. "Come on, I want you to see Logan." He started to pull her towards the house when he remembered the last line of her letter. He turned back towards her and twisted her arm to see the cuts she had inflicted. He was startled to see words on her soft skin.15

She looked up at him, her gorgeous blue eyes wide in shock and eloquent. He had certainly taken her by surprise. Seeing her wrist only made him want to hold her more. She had carved "Last of my Soul" into her left wrist and it pained him when he figured he knew the significance but thought he'd ask anyway. "Why that, Christina? Why those words?"16

Tears formed in her bright blue eyes and brimmed on her lashes. She whimpered softly as he pulled her close, unable to contain himself any longer. "The people in my life have taken the last of me, the last of who I am. I have nothing left."17

He lifted her chin, a soft command for her too look up at him. Her eyes met his, inquisitively. He kissed her gently and thoroughly. It had been so long since he had tasted her. It felt so good to hold her in his arms and taste her achingly sweet taste.18

She pulled away to catch her breath and came back to him. Her love and desperation surrounded him as she opened up to him, letting her emotions in through her kiss.19

He pulled away and stepped back from her arms. He wanted her, there was no doubt about it. She was a beautiful girl, sweet and caring, innocent. It was the knowledge of that innocence that made him pull away from he. He didn't want to use her like that. It would only hurt her more.20

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper. 21

He pulled her back into his arms and simply held her there. "You scare me, Christina." He touched her wrist softly as tears teased him. He blinked them back furiously as he whispered, "This scares me."22

She studied his face carefully, silently for a moment. She ran a gentle finger across his cheek and down his face. "You weren't there to stop it," she reminded him gently, her voice soft.23

He tightened his grip on her and kissed her again. Softer this time, carefully. He could feel her reach her own limits, not just physically, but mentally. He could also feel her temper rise in her and he knew that he would have to explain himself soon enough. Yet he didn't want to anger her so soon. She felt so good in his arms and he found himself wishing he had never let her go. His reasons for distancing himself would be brought to the fore, however, and he would have to let her go so she could live her life.24

For the time being, he released her and took her by the hand into the house so that she could finally see his sister's baby girl. He was stalling and he knew it well. Yet, he knew that Christina had wanted to see the infant since she was born. When the night came, she would have to go and they could be separated once again. This could be the last time they saw each other and he was going to take full advantage of it.25

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