Playground

Please note: 1

What follows is more than slightly random and wholly unedited. This is a play script that doesn't even pretend to be good. In fact, it prefers not to be even classed with the slightly-good second-rate scripts written by caffeine-fueled college students. It is more than happy being relegated to the bottom pile of third-rate scripts - underneath those written by a group of enterprising and surprisingly smart monkeys bored with their life at Central Park Zoo. I do urge you to be cautious about any brown smears that may have transferred from those scripts to this one. The monkey's work is quite good (nearly second-rate), however they used what they had on hand at the time - and rest assured, it wasn't anything resembling a pen. 2

I hope you enjoy this as much as a double re-heated, six-day-old, pepperoni pizza. (In other words, keep a bucket handy.)3

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Curtains roll back from the stage to reveal a scene common in public primary school playgrounds: A battered metal bin, painted green, with a sticker declaring ‘Do the right thing!' lies on the ground with more rubbish around it than in it. It has several sizeable dents from being used as an impromptu boredom-relief-device. The lid is nowhere to be seen. A quantity of dirt and bleak tuffs of grass stretch out across the remainder of the stage, except for the area occupied by a grubby looking sandpit containing ancient metal monkey-bars and suspicious lumps in the sand. At the back of the stage, a wall of badly-painted scenery depicts a five foot high wooden fence with the odd patch of green - evidently added as an after-thought for aesthetics - and possibly to give the audience the suggestions of trailing vines and such-like. A gnarly clump of fused papier-mâché masquerading as a camphor-laurel bedecks the left wing of the stage.6

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It is under this, leaning with her back against the knobbly bark, that SALLY sits, a book clasped in her hands. SALLY is a gangly girl of around eleven (though evidently played by an adult MALE actor with exceedingly hairy legs), with fine, stringy hair of indeterminate colour tied up in a poor excuse for a satin ribbon. The ribbon matches the main colour of her uniform, which can only be described as baby-shit ochre. The other colours featured are alternating stripes of dried-blood maroon and algae-infested green. From the audience's point of view, the effect is rather interesting, albeit hard to look at for any length of time. SALLY has knobbly knees covered by scabs and grazes in various stages of the healing process, dirty nails which she nibbles at while contemplating her book, and a pair of school shoes that might have been black at one stage (quite possibly while sitting on a shelf before SALLY's mother bought them for her three weeks ago). SALLY also wears a stylish pair of glasses whose fashionable aspect is ruined by the half-inch thick lenses that are contained within the frames. The lenses are smeared with an unidentifiable substance.8

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SALLY scrunches her eyes up as she peers at her book. To aid her vision, she sticks a pinkie in her ear and wiggles it around vigorously while bringing the open book up until the pages touch her nose. A brief spotlight reveals to the audience that the book she is reading is The Anarchist's Handbook. SALLY grins as she mouths something that she reads and then pulls her pinkie from her ear and examines it. She smears the tip of it on her grubby uniform before licking a finger and turning the page.10

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From the right wing of the stage, three BOYS enter the stage with identical cocky swaggers, baby-shit ochre uniform shirts with streaks of grime and grey school shorts. Like SALLY, they are adult actors, but all appear to have the demeanour of puerile twelve-year olds. All BOYS walk a couple of metres before stopping and pointing at SALLY.12

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                        BOY 114

(Elbows BOY 2) Will you look at her? Making like she's all smart with her nose in that book.15

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BOY 2 guffaws and BOY 3 smirks.17

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                        BOY 219

(Stops laughing and turns to question BOY 1) How long we got ‘til the bus gets here?20

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                        BOY 122

(Checks an expensive wristwatch) ‘Nuff time. What we gonna do this time?23

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            BOY 325

We could take her book...26

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BOY 1 cuffs BOY 3 on the back of his head. 28

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                        BOY 130

(Responds sarcastically) Genius, Kade - why the heck would we want a book?31

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KADE (BOY 3) shrugs and BOY 1 hits him again.33

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                        BOY 135

It's Friday - we need something good to end the week. Some master plan...36

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                        BOY 238

(Addresses BOY 1 with a degree of excitement) What we gonna do, Jake?39

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                        JAKE (BOY 1)41

(Puts on an expression of exaggerated thoughtfulness) Well... Monday we stole her lunch and then put it down her dress, right?42

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BOY 2 and KADE smile and nod as they remember Monday's antics.44

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                        JAKE46

Tuesday, we stole her cardigan and rolled it in the dogshit behind the canteen...47

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                        BOY 249

(Interrupts) That was awesome! Remember when she put it back on?50

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All three BOYS laugh at the memory.52

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                        JAKE54

Right. Wednesday, Kev here got her with the Kiwifruit jam sandwich.55

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                        KEV (BOY2)57

(exultant)Yeah - right between those four eyes! 58

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More laughter from the BOYS.60

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                        JAKE62

(Grins) And yesterday, Kade contributed by pushing Fatty on her at assembly.63

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                        KADE65

(Smirks) I think Fatty liked it...66

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JAKE clips KADE across the ear and sighs.68

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                        JAKE70

So - want we gonna do today?71

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                        KEV73

Put the boot in?74

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                        JAKE76

(Considers and frowns) I'm not getting too close...77

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                        KADE79

(Snorts with laughter) Afraid she'll kick you again?80

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JAKE grabs KADE in a headlock and twists his nose.82

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                        JAKE84

(Threateningly) I thought told you not to mention that...85

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                        KADE87

(Begs for mercy, but it sounds more like a cross between a squealing guinea pig and Britney Spears on Ice) Ahhh....88

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            JAKE90

(Lets KADE free, but pushes him back). I swear, next time you say that, I'll wedgie you so badly that you'll need to have your grundies surgically removed from your butt-crack.91

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            KADE93

(Holds his hands up in defeat) Right-y-o, keep your knickers on.94

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            KEV96

(Impatient and more than slightly whiny) So what we gonna do?97

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            JAKE99

(Looks around the playground) When was the last time we did something with sand?100

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            KEV102

A couple of months ago. Why?103

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            JAKE105

(Gestures that the BOYS should gather around. Whispers) Sand in her undies.106

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            KADE108

(Scowls) That's disgusting. (Shudders) Dude - girl germs...109

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            JAKE111

(Rolls his eyes) In that case, you'll be the one holding her down.112

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            KADE114

But...115

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            JAKE117

Right?118

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            KADE120

(Gives a hesitant look at SALLY) Right.121

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The BOYS saunter the last few metres to stand just in front of SALLY, but conveniently just outside of kicking range.123

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                        JAKE125

(Hoicks up a goober and spits it to the ground just beside where SALLY sits cross-legged. He taunts her) Oi, four-eyes!  126

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            SALLY128

(Looks up from her book, squints at the BOYS. Replies with disdain) Bugger off...129

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            JAKE131

(Puts his hands on his hips) No, you four-eyed pus-brain. We like standing right here. (He turns to the other two boys) Don't we?132

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            KADE and KEV134

(Chorus) Yeah.135

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                        JAKE137

(Addresses SALLY again) So, what you gonna do ‘bout it?138

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                        SALLY140

(Sighs, closes her book and unfolds her legs) Don't you have something better to do?141

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            JAKE143

(Laughs) Better than this?144

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All BOYS laugh together.146

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                        SALLY148

(Replies again, sarcastically, and without any apparent care for consequences) Like, I dunno, looking for a brain? Or maybe scratching your arse or picking your nose. In fact, you could do all three at the same time.149

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            JAKE 151

(Understanding dawns slow enough to put an ice age to shame) What you trying to say?152

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            SALLY154

See, I don't try. I just do. Maybe you need to clean your ears out as well - let the space invaders in to find your brain for you.155

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            JAKE157

(Clenches his fists) I'll make you pay for that...158

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SALLY jumps to her feet, throws the book at JAKE (who ducks). The book hits KADE on his already red nose. SALLY runs halfway across the stage before tripping over a discarded cricket bat conveniently placed underfoot by a sneaky stagehand. The BOYS turn and run toward her as she pushes herself to her feet again.160

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                        JAKE162

(Lingers at the back of the group of BOYS) Get her!163

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                        SALLY165

(Reaches the corner of the sandpit. Stops and picks up a handful of sand) Stop! Don't come any closer!166

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KADE and KEV falter until JAKE pushes them forward.168

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                        JAKE170

(Yells as he pushes the two other BOYS) Wimps! Get her!171

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                        SALLY173

(Launches the first handful of sand. It sails over the top of the group of BOYS and into the audience) Go away!174

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KADE runs at SALLY just as she uses her last resort. SALLY lifts her dress up and dances around making a horrible war cry. Revealed for everyone to see is baggy full-brief underwear with dodgy elastic, several holes and a colour combination that makes the school uniform look like high fashion.176

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                        KADE178

(Stops and covers his eyes) My eyes! 179

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                        KEV181

(Stares, and blinks as his eyes tear up. He sinks to his knees and begs) Put it down, oh, please, put it down...182

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                        KADE184

(Stumbles around until he hits his head on a metal monkey bar) Owww... (Though hurt, his main focus is still his eyes and he continues to mutter) My eyes. I'm blinded. Scarred for life. Oh my poor, poor eyes...185

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While the two BOYS are distracted and while SALLY can't see anything due to the hem of her dress getting caught on one of her earrings, JAKE skirts the sandpit and comes up behind SALLY.187

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                        JAKE189

(With a large handful of sand in one meaty hand, he taps SALLY on the shoulder with the other. As she frantically attempts to free the dress, JAKE pulls the elastic of the back of her undies out and deposits the handful of sand so that it nests in the fabric with the grace of elephant in a hammock) Gotcha!190

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            SALLY192

(Squeals in falsetto) I hate you!193

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JAKE backs away to watch with glee as SALLY flails her arms, one part of her dress still caught, glasses askew and underwear, weighed down by gritty granules, slowly descending her legs. Just before the audience can catch sight of any R-rated bits, the dress finally comes free and settles around SALLY's knees. The underwear, however, continues its descent, finally pooling at her feet.195

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                        JAKE197

(Laughing) Awesome!198

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                        KADE200

(A muffled reply sounds from where he has his head against the sand.) My eyes, oh, my eyes.201

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                        KEV203

(Closest now to a glaring SALLY, he stumbles backwards) I didn't do it! It wasn't me...204

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                        SALLY206

(Steps out of the underwear and growls) One day I'll get you all back, but for now this will just have to do...207

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SALLY lifts her dress once more and in unison, all BOYS fall silent as the hem creeps up her scant, bony legs. As reaches the top of her thighs, the curtain falls and all the audience can hear for several seconds are the BOYS screaming in absolute horror. 209