"I love you," he whispered into her ear. 1
Brushing back her thick; red braided hair she closed her eyes.2
"I love you too, but I feel that there's some sort of secret lurking between us, these last few days, I've been telling you about my life, but you have told me nothing about yours. Why?"
He gulped. He knew she would eventually find out. Would this be the end of their treasured love?
Eric tugged at his long grey shirt. "I," he paused. "I'm a ghost."
“Eric,” joked Amelia. “Stop fooling around! Now what is it really?”
“It’s true Amelia; I’m serious,” replied he.
Amelia lost her breath. "How could you Eric! Do you really think I want to marry a ghost? I'm scared now. Scared of you." Quickly picking up her shoes, she vigorously ran down the stairs and out of the door. Amelia didn't put her shoes on until she reached the end of the road, where she was safe away from that ghostly man. How would you feel if you'd seen a ghost?
“But," said Eric. But it was no use. She was gone. Gone forever. The only thing that remained in Eric’s hand was Amelia’s locket. With golden rings on the top and something engraved on the bottom. Eric couldn't figure it out. Unfortunately, it would not open either. What was inside it?
Eric held the locket in his hand tight. The wrinkles lay deep inside the skin and his scars made his hands look like a horror story.3
"I wish I would have lived on forever," said he.4
Amelia missed Eric. Without him, who was she? She realised she had been extremely foolish; but she decided to face him after her death. As they would be equal. She then realised what was missing from her neck. "The locket!" she exclaimed. Amelia believed that whoever kept the locket was her true love. Amelia forced herself to die. She wanted to go back to him, but would he take her back?5
As years passed, Eric; was down at the market, wandering about incautiously.6
"Eric," said a weak voice. "Eric, I still love you." Shocked: Eric turned around to find the ghost of Amelia behind him. There she stood in her long black dress still; with red braids in her hair.7
"I was foolish to turn away from you; will you love me once more?"8
Eric paused.9
"I've always thought I loved you, but I don't know whether I truly love you; Amelia."10
Amelia blinked extremely hard. He mind was scattered after the long journey of death.11
"I know you truly love me," she replied.12
"How," exclaimed Eric - rather confused. Amelia looked down at the floor. "Put your hand in your pocket, and show me what’s in there. As Eric’s hand came out of the pocket; there was Amelia's locket.18
“No man would have kept that locket unless he felt true love."19
Suddenly, Eric dropped the locket, and it fell into tiny pieces on the ground.20
“Amelia," he called, when her back was turned. "Amelia, if the locket is damaged in any way, do I still love you?"21
Amelia shook her head. "No, that would mean the locket does not feel we have true love, and neither does my Grandmother."22
Eric was now feeling extremely puzzled. "Your Grandmother, what does she have to do with it?" Amelia didn't speak. She then looks a deep breath and said, "Well; I got this off my grandmother; she could not open the locket: and as she was very superstitious, she told me that whoever my true love was; their picture would be inside the locket." 23
Tears filled up in Eric’s eyes; they could not be together. "Amelia; I'm sorry,” said Eric looking at the floor. Suddenly, Amelia realised what had happed. Unlike what Eric had expected, Amelia was not furious. "It's okay Eric, nothing is your fault; we're just not meant to be," Eric took hold of Amelia’s hand and placed it firmly in his. "I love you," they both whispered once more.24
Departing - they let go of each others hands and walked separate ways. Their love was not meant to be.13
A contest entry
- I WANT ROMANCE!!!!!! by ManualLoveLetter.
175 points, ended May 8, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance (song prompts/tons of options) by LivingDeadGirl56.
350 points, ended May 1, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My Heart Will Go On... by Eddie.
350 points, ended August 4, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like the concept of this, but I agree that the story was a little rushed and as a result didn't play out as well as I would've liked. You need to work on lengthening and expanding your stories so that they don't become crammed up and rushed. The ending was a good twist as I thought they would end up together, but once again I found myself wondering more about Eric's and Amelia's lives. Why did Eric die and remain on earth? Who was he before? Why didn't the locket open when they both clearly loved each other? So many questions that the story raised but didn't answer. I would really really like it if you continued this or write a prologue or some sort of backstory because the idea is really brilliant and with better execution you could have a very good story here.
However considering you're only 11, I'd say this was very good. Just remember to expand your stories and add descriptions!
Cindy. -
That's a sad ending. But the idea was very interesting. I have to say you did this rather well for someone who is only ten years old. Despite what other people say you did well. I don't have to mention your mistakes as others have already done so.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Hmmm...I thought that this was fairly well written and had some very good details. Your descriptions were really good and so was your fluency, butt the way the whole situation was handled was extremely unrealistic and you need to expand. But good luck and thanks for entering.
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Very good.
But there is alot of grammar msitakes. And the story line is a bit un-certain. Especially the part where he tells her he is a ghost, be honest, would you believe your boyfriend if he told you he was a ghost,straight away? You Would Laugh or think he was a complete bascket case.
You really need to work on this, it all seems a bit childish, unless you are a child, and I'll be a little more easy on you.
Otherwise structure and everything is very good
Good luck in my contest! -
Now it's a sweet romance, but there are some grammar mistakes. But you can proofread them using MS Word!
Best of luck in the contest! -
You need to work on this.
Firstly, if my boyfriend told me he was a ghost, I would
i)Laugh, thinking it was a joke
ii)Be completely freaked out
Secondly, to judge one's love by a locket is completely foolish, unless the characters were of the superstitious kind.
You need to expand the story in the following areas
i)Describe Eric and Amanda and their romance
ii)Explain why Amanda started feeling suspicious
iii) Describe what Amanda was feeling all those years, and how she regretted her decision or something, etc. Why did she decide to go back to him?
iv)Why was she deciding the outcome of their love based on the locket?
I guess you wrote this in a hurry, but the contest ends on May 2, so you have plenty of time to expand this.
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