A dark silhouette crossed the open lawn almost undetected. Not a single human suspected anything; it was the animals that noticed. The animals weren't going to say anything so their awareness was of no concern to the intruder. Staying close to the wall, the intruder, commonly known as Smoke, edged toward the desired window. Smoke was there for one thing and one thing only.1
The sapphire.2
The sapphire was famous. Adventurer Thomas Reams had discovered it while in Brazil. His story was quite extreme. Any person with a brain wouldn't believe it. Of course, this world is filled with people who lack brains. Reams claims he went to relieve himself in the Amazon Rain forest and tripped over what he thought was a rock. While cursing it he noticed it wasn't a rock as he had first thought. It was a blue stone o some sort. A very beautiful blue stone. Being the adventurer he was, Reams took it back to the States with him to get it appraised. When the appraiser heard his story he was astounded that such a precious gem, one as impeccable cut as this one, had been left so carelessly in the middle of a rain forest.3
Many questions arose. Why was the sapphire in the forest in the first place? Who cut the stone? Who was the previous owner? These questions and more started off the waterfall, it was the ones that came later that were even more interesting. Did Reams really 'find' it or did he just pretend to? This question offered the most puzzlement in government organizations. Especially the FBI who was investigating gem smuggling into the United States. They began to question Reams, but nothing came of it. Then the two men that had been with him disappeared mysteriously.4
Rumors had floated around that Reams had a temper that, when let loose, caused trouble. No evidence had been found, however, that the people missing were murdered or that they were really missing at all. And there certainly was no evidence that Reams had anything to do with it. Motive wasn't enough to convict a man; you needed hard evidence.5
Many people thoroughly disliked Reams. Many had a score to settle with the man and his 'discovery' of the sapphire just added to the list. In the morning, when the media discovered the theft, many would grin over their coffee and say, "Serves him right considering what he did to me." It would cause many people to route for Smoke.6
When Smoke reached the desired window the alarm was disarmed and Smoke was free to pass through undetected. Once inside the house it was trickier. Guards patrolled the halls at random intervals and they could pop out of any room unexpectedly. The think that had given Smoke the name 'smoke' was the fact that no one knew Smoke was there. The only evidence that anyone had been there was a black scrap of cloth left in the missing item's place.7
Another thing that made Smoke unique was that no one, absolutely no one, had ever met Smoke...at least not knowledgeably. Smoke never dealt with anyone directly, only a typed message was used to communicate. Dealers were told the location in which they were to leave their money and when the money was secured another typed message would be discovered. This last message would reveal the location of the desired item.8
Smoke quickly navigated through the halls of the mansion and found the secure room. It was unguarded but that didn't mean technology wasn't there. Smoke pulled a small black box from a pouch and held it up against the wall above the biometric access system. A personal invention the black box was designed to break through any system manually without detection. It had been useful many times in the past and had opened a lot of doors. The invention had cut her times down by half.9
In two minutes and thirteen seconds the lock released. According to Smoke's research the guards walked the halls randomly but had to pass the room that held the sapphire every three minutes. In Smoke's opinion it was a nice try but poor execution. If Smoke had wanted something valuable protected there would be guards at the door constantly, three men that would switch shifts every two hours. Walking guards would be required to walk by the door every minute. None of the guards would have biometric access to the vault. This would ensure that if there was an attack, their fingerprints couldn't be used. If only everyone was as brilliant as Smoke.10
Once inside the room, Smoke counted the seconds. it was imperative that the timing be perfect. If not, Smoke would lose invisibility. That could not happen. Smoke's career was dependent on the mystery and invisibility. A reputation took years to build, and a second to destroy. The sapphire was in a glass box nestled in silk. There was no lock and no alarm. 'How stupid is this guy?' Smoke thought incredulously. 'Did you really think no one would get past your biometric system Reams?' Smoke removed the sapphire and in its place put a black cloth.11
Smoke waited the ten seconds before it was safe to go out into the hall where Smoke disappeared into the night...
Author notes
Honestly is wanted. Please in order for me to better this I need to know what you think. Thanks!
Pepper...
A contest entry
- It's a Secret by Silver Heart.
160 points, ended June 26, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Worst. Contest. Ever. by WritersEffigy.
150 points, ended June 12, 46 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
875 points, ended July 17, 78 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Anything I need to add? I really want to know.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
I like how you weave the background into the narrative--that was done quite well and I think was one of the strong suits of the story. I think a little more could be done towards description and detail though...
Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 6/10
Flow: 7/10
Uniqueness: 3/5
Readability: 5/7
Effect: 5/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 2/5
Total: 31/50 -
I really like this, but I think that you should add a lot more chapters, and turn it into a proper novel. It has the begings to be really great.
What you need to be asking yourself now is who is Smoke and how and when will I let the reader know who she is? And will I let the reader know who smoke is?
I deffinately want to read more of Smoke. -
this is fantastic! i love it, a lot. the secret is good. i hope that you do good in my contest.

-
What is this?
It's interesting enough for stand alone story but could be the beginning of so much more. It really leaves me wanting to no more, which a story can do. Are you planning on extending it? Into a longer story? A Novel? A novelle? It would work any way you want to use it. I enjoy your writing.
I noticed two or three little spags, but not enough to be distracted.
Please keep writing.
This is very good.
Trish -
-
What is this?
This is actually just the beginning of a romance/suspense novel.... I have seven more chapters that I just haven't put up yet. Thank you for reading this. I hope that you will enjoy the others.
Pepper...
-
.
-
1 - 6 of 6




