The Watcher (Chapter 1)

"Keinen, we're going home," I heard Chris say.1

"Ok, I'll be there in a minute, I have to finish my test," I said. Everybody except me had finished their Final Exams. I wasn't any good at test. Actually I wasn't good at anything. My mom always said that everybody was born in this world for a purpose. She said everybody had a reason to be here. Except me. I had no purpose here whatsoever. 2

I finally finished my test. I handed it into Mr. Barnner. I hope I get a good grade on my test. I wanted to please dad. My mom died when I was ten, and my dad was never around anymore. I did whatever I could to please him. If I pleased him maybe he will be around more often.3

When I got home dad wasn't there, of course. The maid came in to greet me."Your dad had to go on a business trip, He will be back in a week or two," she said.4

"Ok, thank you for telling me, Tiffany," I said in a sad tone. I didn't know why I was sad. This happened every time he came home. I'm so used to living in this big house alone.5

FF. 2 weeks later.6

"Keinen! The test results are in," Chris said as he ran to me. 7

"Ok, come on lets go see them I said," I said. I sounded kind of happy, kind of sad. I looked all over the list to find my name, and it was a long time before, I finally found it. My name was on the failed list. 8

"Great, I didn't pass," I grumbled to myself.9

I went straight home after school. "Dad, I'm home," I yelled as I entered the house. One of the maids came in. I knew by the look on her face what she was going to say.10

"You don't even have to say it," I said angrily. I ran to the phone and dialed his number. I got his answering machine.11

"I just called to tell you, I failed the test, I thought you might want to know, don't bother calling me back, I am going to be busy," I yelled.12

I went to my bedroom, got undressed, put pajamas on, and went straight to sleep.

Author notes

This is a new novel I am writing. Please tell me what you think of it. Tell me if I need to fix anything. Should I keep writing it?

A contest entry

Is it any good? Should I not write it?

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • tallblondie gold member
    June 9

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    Usually a first chapter contains a good hook (something exciting at the start) and a reason for the reader to continue. Apart from background exposition about the main character's father and his living arrangement, this introductory chapter gives the reader no reason to want to continue reading. I would suggest adding something to it - for instance making the test something really important or hinting at a reason for the father's absence and why that fact is important to the story/plot. There are some grammar errors, but I think another commentator has listed those. Overall, the story reads well, but I feel it lacks substance.

    Thank you for your entry in ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 or younger and best of luck with your future writing endeavours.

  • sassykitty
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    Yes it is good, but as has already been said, needs a little fixing, but you're starting to tell a credible and convincing story. One other thing though, try not to over rely on dialogue in parts. Keep writing, thanks for your comments on my stuff, most appreciated.
    Cheers


  • Neomaxizoondweebie
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    "Keinen, we're going home," I heard Chris say. [

    ]"Ok, I'll be there in a minute, I have to finish my test," I said. (These should be separate.)


    Everybody except me (had) finished (their) Final Exams.

    (I wasn't any) good at test(s). Actually (I wasn't) good at anything.

    I (had) no purpose here (whatsoever). 1

    I hope (I) get a good grade on my test.

    I (wanted) to please dad. My mom died when I was 10, and my dad (was) never around anymore. I (did) whatever (I could) to please him. If I (pleased) him maybe he (would) be around more often.

    He will be back in a week or two," she said. [

    ]"Ok, thank you for telling me, Tiffany," (I) said in a sad tone. I (didn't) know why (I) was sad. This happened every time he came home. I (was) so (used) to living in this big house alone.3

    "Keinen(!) The test results are in," Chris said as he ran to me. [

    ]"Ok, come on lets go see them(," I said. I) sounded (kind of) happy, (kind of) sad. I looked all over the list to find my name(, and it was a long time before) I finally found it. My name was on the failed list.[

    ]"Great, (I) didn't pass," I grumbled to myself.5

    One of the maid(s) came in.

    "You( )don't even have to say it," I said (angrily).

    I said leaving a message.6 (Should be something like, "I yelled" instead of "I said". And cross out leaving a message, because we already know that when you say the answering machine picked up.)

    I went to my bedroom, got (undressed), put pajamas on, and went straight to sleep.

    Great start you have here! I like the dilemma between her father and the MC. I'm very intersted to see where this is going to go! Your dialogue is believable, and you got the setup of it correct, except for the fact that you're supposed to start a new line when you start new dialogue .

    Overeall, great job and keep writing this!

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