Short

I liked a girl when i was fourteen.1

She had friends.2

So I had nothing to offer.3

I liked a girl when i was fifteen.4

I wrote her a letter.5

She laughed and sent her boyfriend to hurt me.6

I beat him up.7

She never looked at me again.8

After 16 it was different.9

Every girl had a boyfriend10

So i stopped trying.11

I am old now.12

Disgusting morons have children.13

They introduce them to me.14

They are lovely.15

The circle of life16

renews17

and we are all lost18

in a sea of nothing.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Shadow06
    May 1
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    It was depressing but good.


    • Rorshach gold member
      May 1
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Shadow

      I promise to write something nice when I meet a decent human being.


  • Hope4TheBest
    April 24

    Edit | Reply
    this is really sad and depressing, you will find love some day
    always have hope, and open up yourself to this world full of love


  • XxXDreamWeaverXxX
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, it's to the point. But a little... Hmmm, It's hard to describe but a third of the way in, it get a little... But anyway, I love the rest. Good luck in Renesmee Black's contest,

    ~Dream♥


  • SAVAGEshark.
    April 17

    Edit | Reply
    A short poem that explains life from another view.Very sad and true for a lot of us,so nice job once again Ror.

    • Rorshach gold member
      April 17
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Shark

      Life always shocks me. I don't understand how two people can reconcile their death camp true nature and then decide to bring another life into this sad pointless world.


  • EmeraldEyes8401
    April 17

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Seems like someone never made lemonaide with the lemons he was given. Well written and to the point.


  • Fimmy
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    I wouldn't count this as a story, not even a short. You say a whole lot of nothing with this, merely state events. You can get the stylistic quality your going for, and the poetry stanza style you want while still adding a lot more to it. You're trying to force emotion into it but the reader isn't getting any. And your last line or two is really cliched I hate to say. I'm sorry to be a harsh critter, but you need to expand and go a little deeper with this.


    • Rorshach gold member
      April 17
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Fimmy

      I totally agree, it really was very weak.


  • BlueMoon16
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, nice. Although, I couldn't really feel any strong emotion in this poem. I felt a little sad for the man though.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • JenniieeRmah1293
    April 16
    Edit | Reply

    woww nice poem.


  • Juniper Cran
    April 16
    Edit | Reply
    Dang. That...was heavy.


  • Kyndal Laran
    April 16
    Edit | Reply
    woa, thats intense.

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