Contest Entry: How to Kill Yourself in Five Minutes or Less #2

How to keep people off your property1

"I think that's a short-cut," said Joe, motioning to the path that branched off the main road, which wound along the side of the mountain they were currently attempting to traverse. They had been on their way to a Bobby's family camping lodge on the other side of the mountain and he knew the way there well enough, but even he had gotten confused as they navigated the labyrinth of trails that crisscrossed the mountainside. 2

"No, look It's private property," Said Jill, motioning to the 'No Tresspassing' sign to the right. Under that, in smaller letters, were the words: 'Tresspassers will be shot'. 3

"Yeah, i guess we better not," said Bobby. They drove on. 4

5

How not to keep people off your property6

"I think that's a short-cut," said Joe, motioning to the path that branched off the main road, which along the side of the mountain they were currently attempting to traverse. They had been on their way to a Bobby's family camping lodge on the other side of the mountain and he knew the way there well enough, but even he had gotten confused as they navigated the labyrinth of trails that crisscrossed the mountain. 7

"Look, what does that sign say?" asked Jill, motioning towards the sign. The triangular plate seemed to bare the figure of a man carrying a large stick of some sort and above it were the words, 'You shall not pass'.8

"It says you shall not pass. Do you think that is some kind of no tresspassing sign?"9

"No," said Joe, "That must be some kind of joke."10

Indeed it must, agreed his two companions, so they took the path to the right. 11

It wound along the mountain for a ways then straightened out, till they came upon an old wooden bridge.12

Jill was the first to speak. "Slow down, i think there is someone on the bridge." 13

Joe eased his foot off the gas and squinted ahead; there seemed to be a woman standing upon the bridge, wearing a long dress. But then, as he neared, he saw that it couldnt be for the figure had a long beard down to his waist, white hair flowing in the wind. 14

Joe leaned forward in his seet, as if it gave him a better view of the strange sight before him and he looked over at his two friends. "That's wierd." But no one responded, for they were staring at the old man. "I guess I'll just keep going untill he moves out of my way." He continued untill he was on the bridge, but the man still did not move, so he put his foot to the bread and honked the horn.15

"You shall not pass!" cried the man, drawing a huge stick from what they could only assume was an oldfashioned tunic-the sort that people might have worn in the Dark Ages. 16

Jill leaned forward so that her head was in the front of the car with the two men. "He's crazy!"17

"We better go do something about this," Joe said, unbuckeling his seatbelt. The two men got out of the car and walked towards the old man, for old he was. 18

"You shall not pass!"19

"Um," said Bobby nevously, "Do you think that you could just let us by? We won't cause any trouble."20

"You shall not pass!"21

"Look," said Bobby, starting towards the old man. 22

But the old man suddenly grabbed his staff, for staff it was, and jammed it into the ground. There was a splinting sound and then the side of the bridge upon which the trio stood gave way. The two men, car, girl and all, plummeted to the icy depths of the river below.23

The old man leaned against his side of the bridge, which was undamaged and still stable. He panted, wiping the sweat from his brow. 24

Suddenly a man waring a buisness suit emmerged from the bushes to his right and walked towards him, Italian shoes 'clacking' upon the wooden boards. "Gandalf," he said, "because of the whole fall of Mordor thing-" he motioned quotation markes in the air with his fingers "-I've been nice to you, being out of work and all. But I can't have you destroying my property. In fact, i think your time with me is through. Here is your payment: the man took a letter from his jacket and handed it to Gandalf. "This time im not paying you in money, but it should do just as well."25

Gandalf opened up the envelop and out fell a golden ring. 26

"Oh shit!"