Darkness was rapidly enveloping the sky and it left a chill on her spine. Her normal route home was looking deserted as I normally was after 6pm and she was getting a little scared. Mr Maxwell, her boss kept her late that evening amidst all her pleas. She sighed. The job was okay but the hours were killing her, 7am to 7pm Mondays to Saturdays left her exhausted with little or no time for herself.
As she crossed a narrow street two blocks from her house, she began to have an eerie feeling. She looked backward and unconsciously increased her pace. She could feel someone watching her, someone following her. The hairs on her back stood. 1
She rounded the corner to her house and almost ran as her gate came to view. She let out a relieved breath as she closed and locked her front door. 2
Who was following me? She thought as she dropped her handbag on her dining table.
“Marcy….”3
She jumped and turned around sharply. Who was that and how did he enter her house?! In seconds, her questions were answered as she saw a smug looking Nick sipping orange juice in her kitchen.4
“What do you want?” she said as she warily watched him. It irritated her that he looked so at home in her kitchen. The fact that he was back into her life again made her shudder but she put on a brave face determining in her heart that he would not get to her this time.5
He raised a questioning eyebrow and slowly smiled. It made him both attractive and sly at the same time, which irritated her further. Why did he have to look so handsome after all, he has put me through she thought to her self. He had now stood up from the kitchen stool and was circling her like a wild cat would circle its prey; goose pimples had now begun assailing her flesh. He snickered and said in a mocking voice:
“Baby, you look like shit!”
“What do you want Nick, just say it and get out!”
He smiled again as he lackadaisically leaned on the wall adjacent to Marcy.
“You know what I want baby, stop stalling okay?”
Marcy sighed dejectedly and looked at him pleadingly.
“Nick I don’t have any money now, I’m broke.”
He shrugged obviously not buying her explanation
“You should have thought about that when you decided to call it quits without cleaning up your shit babe.” He folded his arms and cocked his head, “It’s not my business okay. All I need-mind you need not want is 20,000 naira and I'll be out of your life for good.”
Marcy looked at him and her eyes began smarting as tears threatened to pour out of them. She knew of course that he was lying, those were the exact words that he used to extort 15,000 naira on the previous week, and she knew he would not stop until she came back to him on her knees. 6
7
Author notes
i worked on the beginning of the write up
A contest entry
- ♥ 400 ♥ by XxXDreamWeaverXxX.
400 points, ended April 15, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Abusive Relationships by New Moon.
100 points, ended April 19, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like it
Your characters are straight-forward.
An amiable protagonist that makes me love her and:
A good antagonist that naturally makes readers hate him easily... (extortionist happens to be quite an enemy to me)
"Why did he have to look so [handsome] after all[] he has put me through she thought to her self"
hmmm.... handsome.. doesn't sound quite right to me... it may be a colloquial term that I am not aware of though.
Perhaps there's a bit of need to enhance the description details but all in all, the pace and flow are neat and I enjoyed the read very much.
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Thanks for entering this in my contest. I think you should continue this. Sounds very interesting so far. It felt me curious at the end, wanting to know more.
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Fairly decent start for a story, though I think you should work on the introductory descriptions. Not the amount of description, mind you, just tweaking what you already have. Adding too much would take away from the suspense and hinder the flow of the reading, but as it stands, it's sounds a litle elementary and average.
p15 - "All I just need…mind you need not want is 20,000 naira and ill be out of your life for good.”
Weird sentence. Maybe:
"All I need - mind you, need, not want - is 20,000 naira, and I'll be out of your life for good."
Keep working on it, though. I'm left wondering how she got to this point, why she's so paranoid, and whether or not she decides to give him the money or go back to him. -
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thanks
thanks for the correction. and about the beginning, ill work on that too. i was just bored and felt like playing with my keyboard and the story materialized but it seems cool so ill work on it. thanks again!
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Good start
I think the story left off leaving the reader curious about what she actually did to owe the money to this creep and how she plans to get rid of him for good.
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421 words
I like it, nicely written,
Well done, and goodluck in my contest,
~Dream♥
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