The meaning of I love you..

I cant get my mind of the feel of his fingertips on my skin. It was almost a sin to even breathe in the same air as him. Now I feel nostalgic as I lay in my bed and wish he was here. Damn it do I wish he was here. I’ve never been good at good byes and then I had to say one. I didn’t even actually get to say goodbye. It was more of a push out the door and while I stood there in the cold you were warm inside breathing in the devils heat. The song Dig blares at me from my itunes account and all I can think about, is you. God, I wish I had you. It’s one of the seven deadly sins to want something that isn’t yours but I cant help it damn it. 1

My mind refuses to function correctly at the moment and it almost pisses me off because it makes the memories I want to be fresh and vivid almost dull and desperate fragments in my mind. To make it worse, the man I am supposed to love is headed home and I can’t get you and your screwed up e-mail out of my mind. Ugh, I guess it sucks and I still have feelings for you. And that man, the one who’s coming from three thousand miles away, is your best friend. It all works out for you, push me out of your life forever and then fucking get everything back in order, you bastard. I want to scream. Push against the walls of my mind, stop breathing then start again. 2

You seep into my skin. Pouring into every pore I have until it becomes so thick I can hardly breathe. I want you inside of me for once and I want you now. I have missed seeing you, touching you, kissing you. And now, you’re here and with me. I can feel you into my mind and I want to melt with you. Feel my heart beat from my chest into yours and yet feel your heart beating in my chest at the same time. I wanted to make love to you from the moment I saw you and getting to is like heaven on earth. I feel you enter me, it hurts, the pain almost collides with my heart in one gushing moment, the only moment I’ve had all night that made sense. You keep pushing. Slowing down and watching my eyes, waiting for me to tell you to stop. But I can’t and I won’t. There is no way I could give up a moment this perfect with you. So I beg you to continue. I feel you slide out and penetrate me again. This had to happen. My breath caught in my throat and I gasped. It was like a go signal. With one tongue to tongue head to heart and mind to soul entwining kiss I let it go. I let all I’ve wanted to hold onto out and let you have me. I taste the adrenaline in your skin as I reach up to kiss your neck. You consumed me at this point, like a lion would consume a lamb. I feel your skin burning into mine. I let you keep going and as I finally release everything I have I hear you scream “I love you, Brandi Nicole.” I feel the air thicken and as the heat reverberates through the room I lay there in shock. 3

I look around at the now empty room and breathe and bite back the tears I have been fighting all day. I want him, I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone in my life. I never knew I could feel this way, never wanted too. The thought of you made my heart ache just like you had always made me feel so strong you could also make me feel so weak, this weak. I let my thoughts begin to wander again, even though I don’t want them too.4

“ you know you want to!” I can see your skin the murky water. Cinnamon with brown eyes that look orange in the light and today it was too light for them to shine any other color. You pleaded with the puppy dog eyes I hated so much. “ Come on babe, get that new bathing suit wet, it’s only like twenty feet. Just jump!” I closed my eyes and took a breath. Holding onto the hope you’d be there when I hit the water was the only reassurance I had. I hit feet first and the water surrounded, suffocating, freezing me. I pushed to the surface, scared and looking for you. You put your arms around me immediately from behind and I could feel your breath caressing my ear. “You didn’t think I would let you hit alone, did you? You did know I was going to be there, and that I always will, right?” When you spoke the water suddenly felt warm and as I turned around I wrapped my legs around your hips and muttered “Uh huh” as my lips found yours.5

I shook the cold off me now as I lay in bed my mind still murky, just like the water, just like your mind. I wanted you here damn it. Why I couldn’t have you was beyond me, I wanted to be in your grasp. Have your fingerprints burned into my skin forever if that’s what it took. I was a heartbeat to a heart with your name tattooed in it, on my ass. The symbol that says you had me, forever. 6

I saw you open the cougar door as I swung my long legs out. My fitted white wool jacket sets just right at my knee and the dark pants show the shape of my legs in the dark. I watch your eyes light up as the show gently falls and you blush as you hand me your hand and help me out of the low car. “You, damn, you grew up.” You brush my black hair from my eyes. They shine blue in the blowing snow and the glow of the empty park lights. I smile up at you. The heels I’m wearing still give me no height to be on your eye level. I pull my gloved hand out of yours. “you don’t look so bad yourself, old man.” I joke at our age difference and realize that time has not been kind to you. The years that have passed have not complimented you well. I ask about the normal things, wife, kids, family. Your eyes cloud as you speak of your wife, your child and tell me of your misery. My heart aches for you to touch me, I feel so wrong, but I want it to bad. Just like an addict needs their drug, you are my drug. You take me home that night after a mishap. I invite you in, and as we sit there on the stairs I feel the burning. I see the passion in your eyes. I feel the fire as you speak my name to get me to face you. As I do, I am assaulted. I feel your tongue in my mouth. I know its wrong, I beg inside to make myself speak. As I do, your phone rings. You smile and kiss my forehead and leave me there breathless. 7

I think of that now, and I sigh. I should have never loved you. You know every weakness I have because I let you see them. I realize this now. My thoughts dwindle down as sleep deprivation takes over the large cracks in my armor. I drift off to sleep with you on my mind. I love you, Brandon Kyle..8