Diary

April 13-1

I'm beginning to think I made a mistake.2

Did I really hear God that night, or am I just making stuff up again? Why is it that I'm always set on goals that I can never attain- things I can never have. That's what I hate about when God "speaks" to me in a voice. I never know if it's me just coming up with something wonderful, or if it's really Him. Can't he just give me one of those fantastic signs that Joshua, Gideon, Mary, or Joseph got? I just wish I had something concrete that would tell me that waiting for him is the right course.3

I'm being such a complainer. And that's why people don't like to be around me much. I'm a person who wears my emotions on my sleeve and I tend to over-dramatize things. Sometimes things seem like a mountain to me but it doesn't take long before I wake up and realize that I'm fine. It's not that big of a deal.4

But this is. I've been hurt and I need to let it out.5

He claims to be my friend, yet his actions don't back him up. I think he knows how I feel about him and that's why he's pushing me away. I just wish he'd come out and say that he wants me to back off rather than lying to me. For instance, I've asked him to hang out on multiple occasions. Each time he's bought off with the excuse that he's "too busy with homework". Yeah, too busy FOR ME only. Where is his homework when he watches movies with Amelie; where is his homework when he plays Nertz with Anna, Jayna, Emmy and whoever else it is that's in that group.6

That time that he told me that he wouldn't have made it through writing that huge Comp and Lit paper if I wouldn't have stayed up with him- was that just a lie? Why in the hell did he get me that movie I love, only to completely ignore me the next day? I could have sworn I heard him say "I love your voice" during voice practice last week, but I guess my ears were just playing tricks on me. This year I've taken to listening to my music louder than I used to, so my hearing is probably degenerating. I have no idea what he actually said. And what about the look he gives me when he plays the piano...that look that I can't place the emotion to? It seems as though he's begging me to share his world with him, but he can't put it to words. I guess I'm just misinterpreting it and he probably gives that look to every girl he's ever accompanied or whomever he has listen to him practice.7

Doesn't matter that I try to help him whenever he needs it. Doesn't matter all the nights I stayed up late for him, the times I got things for him. He casts it all to the wayside like he doesn't care. He never cared. He can't care. People who care about you don't lie to you! I don't care if they "don't want to hurt you". Let me tell you something: the truth is ALWAYS better than lies. The truth hurts, yes, but the truth heals. It scabs over and flakes away. Lies are a different animal. Lies might disguise themselves as something beautiful. They might disguise themselves as a lifesaver, a rescuer. Lies soon reveal themselves for what they truly are. They cut deep with serrated blades. The wounds from lies fester and boil and get infected- destroying a person's life. Everything built on a lie falls to shambles and someone gets trapped at the bottom of the rubble. Sometimes it's the person who lied. Other times, it's the person the liar tried to protect, and in trying to protect them,destroyed them.8

I could have taken it if he didn't like me. What I can't take is that he was giving off the vibe that he actually cared about me. You just don't lie to the people you care about. Never.9

I toyed around with the idea that he truly cares about me, that he wants me so badly he can't hardly think straight. He wants to be with me, but he's afraid he couldn't control himself.10

But I quickly dispelled that notion. It's bull and I know it.11

Maybe this is some sort of Divine Justice being exacted on me. I hurt my ex-boyfriend, Nathan, by saying things I didn't mean. At least I was woman enough to come out and say the truth and apologize. I truly feel bad for hurting him. It's not his fault that I didn't evaluate the situation before going into the relationship with him. If I had, none of this would have happened. I guess this is my punishment for hurting him. The one thing I want I can't have.12

So here I am with my festering wound, trapped at the bottom of this rubble. Who's going to save me now?13

April 20-14

I'm a screw up. 15

Don't try to tell me I'm not, because I am. I take things that are good and destroy them. I could have been happy with Nathan. Nathan loved me for who I was. He gave me everything he had. Though he sucked at being a boyfriend, I could have made myself deal with it and at least I'd have someone to cry on right now.16

But I know Nathan wasn't the right one. Forcing myself to settle for something less would never make me truly happy and what kind of person does that to someone else. "Oh, I'll be with you but I'll never be truly happy." It's sick to even think about.17

On the other hand, I don't want to be alone. 18

He found out how I felt about him. I'm so stupid. I just had to post a note about my feelings on facebook for the whole world to see. I didn't think he'd actually read it. Didn't think he cared enough to I guess, but he read it. He read it and wanted to talk in person. I was so nervous I couldn't hardly eat a thing and I ended up running my worst time of the year at a track meet before we had our talk. It was late evening, the weather a cool 54 degrees with a slight wind blowing. We sat on the benches by the student center. The silence suoffocated me. I couldn't even bring my head up to look into those beautiful brown eyes.19

Gosh everything about him is beautiful. His smile, his teeth, his eyes, hair, arms, feet, soul- everything! His voice spoke in a hesitant tone as he said "Well, I guess we both know why we're here." I just sat on the bench staring straight ahead. One look into his eyes and I knew I would have lost it. I swallowed the lump in my throat as he began to speak.20

"You and I both know you just can't force these things. There has to be something there and I just can't force what I don't feel."21

With everything in me I wanted to scream "What does she have that I don't have? What are you finding in everyone else that you don't find in me?" But I just kept silent.22

"I value and care about you. You've been a great friend to me."23

Pour salt on my open wound, why don't you. Damnit, I just wanted to be the one. Can't you see that I'd be the one to be there for you? I'm the one who stays up the late hours making sure you finish your papers, I'm the one who doesn't allow you to quit or procrastinate. Anytime you've needed my help I've been there. What's wrong with me? What don't I have that you need? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? I'm sorry to say, but I don't think those girls are any better looking than I am. I'm not exactly in their crowd, but I get along with them and I've hung out with them before. What is it that you see in all of them? Why am I not even worthy enough to sit with at the lunch table?24

Unless there's no one else. Then you sit by me.25

I thought I knew what true love was when I was with Nathan, but I was wrong. I wasn't willing to do anything and everything for him. He asked for money, I grudgingly said "Well it's not like I'm made of money, but here you go."26

But with you, I found true love. Ask of me anything and I would STILL give it to you. Everything you asked of me, I gave willingly and didn't expect- no- didn't WANT to be repaid in a tangible way. All I wanted was your friendship, your love in return. And I wasted my love, I wasted it on a deaf soul. I would have taken even a friendship and according to you that's what I have.27

But Will, friends don't treat each other like this. Damnit I wish I could take it back but it's done now. And I fear I've lost you forever.28

Voice practice today just wasn't the same. It's like you were annoyed with me. We both agreed things would be wierd for awhile, but I thought that had been dispelled when we talked on Saturday night. You talked to me first...I thought maybe things wouldn't change. And still today during practice you gave me that look. DAMNIT why? Why do I still want you so much? Why after a year and a half of being rejected by you do I still want this so badly? Why do I want to say 'It's Will or nothing.' Why won't I listen to the voice saying 'Alanna, move on,'? Why would I choose to be single for the rest of my life because I was waiting for you than to have a semi-love that would last?29

I don't want anyone else. I want you. Damnit, I want you.30

Why couldn't I have said that to him? No, instead I just mumbled that I understood and I saw it coming. Didn't even put up a fight because I'm a coward. If it doesn't come easy, I balk and run away instead of fighting for it.31

Writing about it seals the deal. When I write about someone I care for, I doom it to fail. Eveyrone I've ever written about has passed out of my life. I don't want to lose Will, but I can't just keep this inside, I have to let it out. 32

I keep getting the same answer from God: You know the answers, Alanna, just wait three years.33

Waiting is the hardest though. Especially when what you want will probably not happen. And though I try to comfort myself with saying that I'll get someone even better, it won't work. I want Will. I want him more than words could express.34

But I'm just not what he needs. He loves Amelie even now, even though she broke it off with him. I can't be her and I never will be. I pray that he gets her. I pray that he's happy without me in his life. Not like he isn't, but I just want him to be happy. And if that means I have to step out and be alone the rest of my life then so be it. Amelie is what he truly needs in his life. So please, God, let him have her. 35

I could pray that I'll find someone else, but I don't want to. There's only one person I want. I guess I'm just doomed to be this way.36

The one thing I want, I cannot have.