The High Tower

I was floating, high above the citadel that was my home, but how I got here, I couldn't remember; and the thought that I would momentarily lose this newfound power to defy gravity terrified me, and with that one thought, I began to plunge to the flowery depths beneath my tower's window.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • MJs-Angel
    May 16

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    Hmm...how about this: I was floating high above the citadel that was call my home, but how I got THERE I couldn't remember; *Don't put AND in here* the thought that I would momentarily lose this newfound power to defy gravity, terrified me, and with that one thought, I began to plunge to the flowery depths beneath my tower's window.

    It seems like it needs to be broken up into two sentences. I can help you there: I was floating high above the citadel that was called my home, but how I got there I couldn't remember. The thought that I would momentarily lose this newfound gravity defying power terrified me, and with that last one thought, I began to plunge to the flowerly depths beneath my tower's window.


    Hmm...it still doesn't ring like a bell. But since this contest is long gone, it doesn't seem to matter. You should try to continue this because I have a feeling there's a lot more behind this setence than can be put into one sentence. Great job, and try to break sentences up instead of combing them into long drawn-out sentences like this one above.

    I'm sorry you didn't win, but maybe you can win another.


    • lunarserenityrose
      August 9
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      Thanks so much for the review. If I get a chance, maybe I will make a story out of it. The reason the sentence is so long is because the contest only allowed for one sentence, and I just wrote it then and there, thinking that it might make people want to know what else would happen. *shrugs* I'm glad you liked it enough to put so much thought into your review. *hugs*


  • Tiger-Lily
    May 6

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    The lover's reference confused me a bit. Where did that window come from?

    I like the wording in this. But it sounds a bit like the ending piece as opposed to the start. You wanna be careful of that.

    - HT


  • Reaver Greeters member
    April 21

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    Very long...borderline run-on. Interesting concept with set theme and location. I enjoyed reading.

    Thanks for entering and good luck .
    Rian

    • lunarserenityrose
      April 23
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      Yeah, sorry. Somehow the idea I had seemed intriguing, but to only have a small sentence didn't seem enough for my complete thought, so it ran on a little.


  • Neomaxizoondweebie
    April 15

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    Wow, very descriptive! I really like the word usage, and you have a great, smooth flow to this. However, this is a run-on sentence. That's all I have for complaints, though .

    Other than that, great job, and I'd love to read the story, if there is one!

    • lunarserenityrose
      April 23
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      Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Again, sorry that it ran on so long - I usually don't do that - but I didn't have a choice in this case. Unfortunately, I do not have a story for this. I came up with this sentence only for the contest. But, who knows? Maybe I'll be hit with an inspiration and write a story on it. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate it!

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