Epigraph:1
Ezekiel 28:12: 18
“Thou hast defiled thy sanctuaries by the multitude of thine iniquities, by the iniquity of thy traffick; therefore will I bring forth a fire from the midst of thee, it shall devour thee, and I will bring thee to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all them that behold”
______________________________________________________________________
My eyes were closed due to the fear of what I would see once I opened them. I could feel and smell everything around me; trees howling in the distance as they danced back and forth to the rhythm of the wind, and a cool breeze that swept across my cheek causing a shiver to crawl up my spine. ‘Why should I be afraid to open my eyes?’ I wondered.2
Why couldn’t I feel anything below my feet? Was I hovering- gliding in air? Was I hanging by something? The thought scared me as I imagined myself dangling by a single strand of string that could snap at any second. Frightened by the thought, I opened my eyes to make sure my fear would not be fulfilled. Startled at first, I glanced behind me to see what was keeping me from falling and noticed a pair of large feathery wings emanating from my back. I could hear them as they violently moved up and down like the wings of a bird cutting across the sky. They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. I came to admire their soft and delicate features- they seemed so delicate so if something might shatter them into a million pieces. They made me feel like an angel as I soared gracefully across the sky. However as much as I came to admire their existence, I also came to question and doubt that they were really there. Where did they come from? Humans cannot fly, nor do they have the means to do so. This thought troubled me and caused me to contemplate where I was.3
Forgetting about the possibility of flying, I turned my attention towards the large pastures below and the woodlands that encased them. They looked peaceful yet a voice inside me sensed that this peace would not last long. My soul could sense a storm brewing in the distance. I wondered where my wings were taking me. I must subconsciously know where I’m going. Villages that approached with tiny huts of logs and straw seemed all too familiar to me as I passed by.4
After passing the villages, there was a small grassy escarpment with a stone tower on the edge of it. It looked isolated from any other structure. 5
I cringed at the smell of salt from the ocean below as it wafted past my nostrils- so bitter, I thought. The waves beyond the cliff crashed against the edges making a noise that reminded me of gongs colliding with one another in a sacred temple. Echoing sounds that fade out until no longer heard. The closer I got to the tower, the more I could feel the misty waters from the ocean splash against my delicate face. 6
My wings slowed their pace as I approached a dark window. This is what I must have been looking for.7
I stepped inside suddenly sneezing once I caught a waft of dust. I cringed at the smell as it smelt extremely musty and of old mouldy furniture. The only light illuminating the dark crevasses of the room was the sunlight, which would come and go with the clouds. I glanced down to see that two Persian rugs with colourful, yet elegant designs ravished the floor of the structure. Whoever lived here must have had expensive tastes. As I touched the surface of a nearby wooden table, dust transferred to my finger. It was pretty obvious that no one had been in this room for some time. 8
Walking around, I saw windows on either side of the room were being guarded by armoured statues holding swords. They looked as though there was some life in them, yet they continued to stand still.9
The previous tenants seemed to have their own private library. Book shelves and unlit torches blanketed in cobwebs lined each wall; with the exception of one. I noticed that one had been knocked down. I stepped closer and saw millions of papers, books, and unknown documents in piles along the floor. Had this been an accident? Suddenly a gust of wind blew through the room, taking many scattered papers with it. Is that a hand sticking out from underneath? I asked myself after a particular piece of paper drifted from its previous spot.10
I tried to lift and shove the shelf aside to see what had been buried. It was heavy- more-so than I had thought it would be.I used all my effort and yet all my exertion did not seem to accomplish anything. Finally, after much struggling I was able to movie it aside. 11
Exhausted, I quickly turned to glance down at the girl who was laying face down before me. Why was she buried here? I analyzed her body for any bruises that would tell me what had happened to her. Other than the few bruises she must have received from being crushed by many pounds of wood and paper, there seemed to be no other visible wound marks. I sighed at the thought of what she might have last seen in her dying moments. A killer, Her own reflection? Was I now standing in the midst of a crime scene?12
I wondered if the girl was really dead. Strange I knew, but with everything else I was experiencing it didn’t seem completely illogical for her to suddenly get up and walk. I placed my index finger to her wrist and felt no pulse so I figured she was dead. No walking corpse’s here.13
I heard sudden footsteps creep within the darkness of the room. Startled, I glanced towards the corner of my eye. In the darkest part of the room I felt a strong, eerie presence. It was familiar. I felt a sudden dose of déjà vu.14
“I’ve been waiting for you, Nevaeh.” said a dark voice. I turned to see who it was, but all I saw was a pair of crimson red eyes.
In a list
A contest entry
- Incantations & Dark Whispers by Oblivion Kitty God.
353 points, ended June 14, 2009, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
In paragraph four, the last sentence is hard to understand. Perhaps rewording it would do well.
In the eighth paragraph, "The previous tenants seemed to have [had]..." The phrase "seemed to have" would give indication that the "previous" tenants are still there. The word "have" is a continuous word, meaning that it expresses an action that continues to happen, negating the past-tense of the story.
The word "had" is past-tense, but not continuous. Using "seemed to have had" completes the action and keeps it in the past.
I hope that made sense. I can't think of how else to explain it.
The story flows well from one scene to the next. And you grab your reader right off the bat with an great quote and a strange mystery. Very good. I liked the story, and wish to read more (when I have time).
However, I have two issues: first, you didn't have an incantation spoken in the story. And second, you didn't have fast-paced action somewhere in the story.
Both were requirements for the contest. Don't worry, though, I'm not going to disqualify it. If you can add those two pieces in, I will gladly accept this story.
Thank you for entering this into the contest. Please correct the issues mentioned before the end of the contest on June 1st. -
Sound like you have the beginning to a very interesting story. The preface is well written and very descriptive. It gives emotion and the sencery all at the same time. Great job! The ending cliff hanger leaves you wanting for more, can't wait to read more of this story.
-
Very descrptive and in-depth.
I saw you asking for feedback and I mean, i'm a fellow writer so it would be rude to refuse such a request.
Hoestly?-this was great. You had me hooked from the very start-particularly because of that little excerpt text thing at the beginning-I found it intriguing.
Um okay wow you seem to have had quite a convo with that guy as well. I read one of his stories and he came off as rather abrupt-like he knew everything. Do not fret, I understood completely that this was a fantasy tale and not to be taken that seriously.
I am glad you did not wreck the story by using first person-some stories tend to lack that certain quality when they are written in that perspective, but I am glad to see it was not lost upon you.
Great story, really.
Oh and bam what an ending!
-
*falls off the cliff* You hooked me early on with this. I didn't want it to end yet. Your characters were very well written and the descriptions vivid. It was easy to picture this story unfolding. Well done!
-
but
people will ignore -
-
did u even read the story?
-
-
no
-
-
i didnt think so.. just cuz i have the bible passage there as an epigraph doesnt necessarily mean that its a bible story.. this is actually a fantasy story..read it and then make your critisizm..i'd rather hear constructive critizism on how to make it better..from someone who has read it rather then someone who thinks they know what it is about and doesnt..i dont mean to sound like a bitch here but next time think..the bible passage is suppose to be symbolic..and in case u havent noticed people have been reading it..this and the other version of it that i have posted..
-
-
Bible
For the weak, end. -
The bible is for infants
Supress your anger for the inevitable bad boyfriend who will scar your sad dead life -
-
you're a disturbed person..you don't know me and don't pretend you do..you may think the bible is for infants..you obviously dont have any type of spiritual meaning in your life..I'm not that spiritual myself but there are some beautiful passages in there that read like poetry....
-
-
i am a bit odd
All i say is life is nothing -
-
umm okay then..then what do you live for?
-
-
Great question
Why do i live?
Read my latest story and you will find out why.
Sorry about the bible bashing. It's just so weak that i cannot help myself. -
-
i still don't get whats so weak about it..?
you must realize that everyone has their own opinions and you shouldnt bash them because of it... i liked useing the bible passage because it goes with my story..the parts of which i havent added yet so you don't know what will happen..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
intro
Bible stuff makes people ignore -
-
its suppose to be an epigraph.. reading the story..you would know its not a "Bible story"
-
-
Hello:
I second the previous commentator's suggestions and have added mine below:
My eyes were closed due to the fear of what I would see once I opened THEM.
I glanced down to see that a Persian RUG WITH colorful yet elegant designs ravished the floor of the structure.
The previous TENANTS seemed to have their own private library or the previous tenant seemed to have HIS OR HER own private library.
I tried to lift (remove the comma) and shove the shelf aside to see what HAD BEEN buried. (was being denotes an action currently occurring)
I used all my effort and yet ALL MY EXERTION DID NOT SEEM TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
Finally, AFTER MUCH STRUGGLING I was able to move it aside.
This sentence is unclear: A killer, her own reflection? Why would she see her own reflection when you have not mentioned a mirror or any reflective surface?
I felt a sudden dose of déjà VU.
Just trying to help.
Anaya Roma -
-
Thank you for your suggestions it will definately help me in editing this very rough peice of work in progress.. Though the sentence "A killer, her own reflection.." was meant to imply or symbolize.. the question involving whether or not she was killed or commited suicide.
-
-
I enjoyed reading your preface for The divine chronicles awakening. it caught my eye I liked the way you used the first person. It draws the reader straight into the story, the beginning does give a punch in that you want to read the rest of your story.
Characters I liked the way you introduced the character here and the use of Bible scripture. Although we don't have much knowledge of this character yet I was very sympathetic over the fear and confusion your character was feeling yes I would say the character was realistic. I liked your use of description and the way you have brought out the atmospire of the story. In a few places it was difficult to read and understand what you were trying to put over.
but I did notice where you have said
( I glanced down to see a persian rugs) do you mean one rug or are there several rugs?
(Book shelves and unlit torches blanketed in cobwebs covered each wall.) You have used blanketed and covered which tells the same thing, it made it difficult to read that sentence.
(I wondered if the girl was she really dead.) I think this just needs to be reworded.
Language your use of dialog was very realistic it helped us to start getting to know this character a little.
I really enjoyed reading this and cannot wait to read the rest. I liked the cliff hanger that you left.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
