The coldness of the bare wall seeped through my thin nightshirt as I sat on my bed. Shadows played on the walls, like children chasing after a ball on rest day. I didn’t really pay much attention as I processed what had happened earlier.1
My room was bare, much like a cell of a priest. Four stark walls surrounded me, with only an itchy cover and pillow on a simple bed and a small chest that held my clothes.2
I sat on that bed with my knees drawn to my chest, running the early evening event over and over. Then the events of the last day or so that ran through the maze of my brain.3
First offense to note; volcano explosion, intense feelings around Kyle. Second offense; stealing scale and the serpent developing, third; Master Brock’s animosity towards me, fourth; Quinn’s ability to speak, granted thought to thought. The list continued with Mastercreator Ruben’s revelation that I am more than I knew and that my training needs to be stepped up. Ending with the eerie incident that happened earlier.4
Things weren’t adding up. What was going on? And why was I involved? I always had been the prankster, the one whose pranks were harmless, even funny. But to be singled out by a cranky, bitter Master, was not something I had anticipated. 5
Could Master Brock or one of the other Masters, who said I was a distraction, be behind the situation? Could one be the cause of the strange message? Were they warning or threatening me?6
I could no longer contain this emotion. I growled. It started in my chest and exploded from my lips as the frustration expanded. 7
I paced my small room. Cold stone floor bit into my bare feet as though a sudden ice storm had escaped from the peaks of Mount Cusack, above the Academy.8
The answers did not come to me that night. I watched as the first rays broke through the gray of morning. The birds greeted me cheerfully, but I shrugged them off as irritating.9
I had a date in the library. I fingered the key Master Ruben had given me, as I slid a new dress on for the day.10
My stomach growled as I opened the wooden door. Breaking fast would have to wait. I needed answers and Kyle would provide them. 11
In a list
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Hmm...this was short. I was disappointed in that alone, which is the only thing I ever find upsetting about your pieces. The length. It's like being on life support, and you keep plugging and unplugging the machine.
The descriptions, as always, are first class; her thoughts and the questions within it are always intriguing, so kudos on all of that. Now, being intrigued as I am, I am going on to the next part.
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yep been here, done this .
Just a sitting and a waiting for chapter 14—don’t mind me Brooke, that noise you hear ain’t me
. That’s Greg tapping his foot 
. He’s an impatient lad yah know.
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Excellent
Very good! Never reading any chapters before this you have enough background info without fragging the story. Helped me to grasp what was going on. Good job!
I loved the hook ending which makes the reader wanted more.
suggestions:
I paced my small room.
(in after paced.)
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A short chapter
but a good one. I'm really enjoying your creation story and anxious to find out more about the serpent.
So, I continue to read.
Trish
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Thanks Tricia,
Should be more about the serpent coming up soon. Thanks for continuing to read.
Brooke
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Hello Brooke, this story is certainly captivating
. I think it is going to attract some different generations of readers. Of course the young people will enjoy the fantasy; but you’ve sprinkled enough mystery to draw older readers.
The plot moves along swiftly and each chapter does it job of making me want to know more.
I certainly can’t complain about the length of the scenes—they grab, hold my interest, and then let go so fast I lose my breath. Still, they don't feel rushed.
A few things you might look at:
The coldness of the bare wall soaked (seeped) through my thin nightshirt as I sat on my bed.
Shadows played on the walls, like children (chasing) after a ball on rest day.
I sat on that bed with my knees drawn to my chest, running the early evening event over and over. No, (Then or Also) the events of the last day or so, ran through the maze of my brain.3
The list continued (with) Mastercreator Ruben’s revelation that I am more then (than) I knew and that my training needs to be stepped up.
Were they warning or threatening (me)?6
I growled. It started in my chest and exploded from my lips as the frustration expanded. I could no longer contain this emotion. (JMHO but this sentences looks like it should be first.7 I could no longer contain this emotion. I growled. It started in my chest and exploded from my lips as the frustration expanded.)
Geri
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Thanks Geri, for going through this and finding those pesky mistakes Have fixed those and hope have done your critique justice.
I just wonder, in this story, if I'm going to get to the action packed parts.
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Small stuff:
p3. 'No, the events of the last day or so, ran through the maze of my brain.' It may just be me but I think this needs more separation from the prior sentence since it's an additional thought. Maybe something like: 'No, it was the events of the last day or so that ran through the maze of my brain.'
p4. 'The list continued Mastercreator Ruben’s revelation that...'
Sounds like the list continued his thoughts. Maybe 'The list continued 'with' Mastercreator Rubin's thoughts...'
Also then - than I knew..
p5. gong - going
p9. 'The birds greeted me cheerfully, and I shrugged them off as irritating.' 'And' doesn't seem the right word here. Maybe 'but' or 'yet'?
Interesting little interlude here.
Rubin's comments have her rethinking the strange events that have occurred and wondering more about why.
It's also interesting that she thinks one of the masters may have staged the message she got. One of them may indeed be capable of doing something like that. Or maybe she's just digging for an explanation. Has she told Rubin about it?
I'm curious to see what she finds out on the third level of the library.
This is becoming quite intriguing.
Greg
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Who else would feel threaten by such a little girl? Only a master or someone is a higher year, but no one has popped up. Unless you add Carmen into the mix, but that's for later.
I wonder if I'll ever get to the more action packed part
We will see.
Thanks for reading and those mistakes are fixed.
Brooke
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Lovely
Nice chapter, as always.
I am not good at catcing things but this is what i saw
P(3) the last sentence was a little bit confusing. i know what you meen but I had to read it a few times.
P(4) Love how you ran down the events so that it was informative but not boring.
P(5) going
P(7) would (the) emotion work better? I don't know?
I can't wait to read more.. I like the progress of her and kyle. Can't wait to see more about that and about the creature..
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for reading and I will give thought to your suggestions
Brooke
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