Five-twelve

Newspaper tucked under one arm, briefcase swinging from his hand and an umbrella clutched regally in the other, Tony briskly walked the short distance from his office to the ferry terminal. With his face set forward, he, like everyone else around him, avoided allowing his gaze to encounter another’s. 1

That was the custom of the City. Though they breathed, worked and ate in close confines, every individual was as separate as lone pines across a valley. Beyond simply existing in this hectic world, they did not acknowledge the others. 2

Tony reached the terminal and sat on one of the courtesy seats, paying particular care not to bump the woman on his left, nor encroach on the space between him and the next person. 3

Personal space was at a premium in the City. Each individual cherished their own confines, and everyone obeyed the unspoken rule – no one dared to cross the boundaries demarcating what belonged to everyone and what belonged to one. 4

Once satisfied his position was equidistant to the others, Tony unfolded the newspaper at the finance section and read as he waited.
.
.
.
.
.
Tony’s life was the same from one day to the next. Six days a week, he would rise sharply at 6a.m., go about his morning ablutions with practised care, eat his two eggs – sunny side up – with bacon and toast, and sip his coffee, before picking up his briefcase and wishing his wife of thirty-eight years goodbye with a peck on the cheek. That day had been no different – except for the umbrella – which he had snagged from the stand in the hallway after a cursory glance out the kitchen window. 5

He had driven to the train station, parked his car in the same space as the morning before, and caught the same train at the same time to the same station. Then, after a twenty-minute ferry ride, he strolled to work. After eight hours of crunching numbers and trying to predict the outcome of various financial markets, he arrived back at the ferry terminal.6

Tony enjoyed waiting. As long as he had that day’s paper and no one to disturb him, he could imagine himself waiting forever. It was peaceful in a way.
.
.
.
.
.
And so, the next day, Tony found himself where he normally found himself at just after five on a weekday – waiting. He had just engrossed himself in the market report when a voice ruptured his bubble of peacefulness.7

“Say, you wouldn’t have the time?”8

Like everyone else, Tony ignored the intrusion.9

That was, until the speaker tapped him on the shoulder. “Sir? The time?”10

Tony deigned only to glance up. Standing just in front of him, a tall, gaunt man waited.11

Rattling the paper in the manner one in the City did when one needed to convey annoyance, Tony tried his best to ignore him. The man didn’t take the implied social cue, and instead, remained where he was. 12

His lip curling, Tony sighed. Flipping his wrist toward him, he sighted the time and recited it to the man, “Five-twelve.”13

The gaunt man smiled as if something not entirely obvious had amused him. He tipped his hat at Tony. “Good day to you, Sir.”14

With a nonchalant grunt, Tony went back to his paper.
.
.
.
.
.
Another day passed, and Tony once again sat down to wait for his ferry. As he separated the pages of the newsheet, the same papery-thin voice addressed him, this time from his right.15

“The time, Sir?”16

Without glancing across, Tony replied, “Time for you to purchase a watch.”17

A pause followed, filled by a slow intake of breath. “I have no need for a watch.”18

“Then why ask for the time?”19

“You look like a man with time on his hand.”20

Tony grimaced; there was something not quite right about the gaunt man’s statement, but he dismissed it when he recited the time, and then something else took precedence in his mind.21

Once again, the stranger wished him well before melting into the lingering crowds.
.
.
.
.
.
Two days later, Tony ran late. As he leapt onto the ferry behind the last of the passengers, his defiant backwards gaze caught the eyes of a tall man in a bowler hat.
.
.
.
.
.
It was a week later that the stranger made a reappearance, striding through the crowds as Tony cursed the absence of his newspaper. 22

“Looking for this?”23

The man had stopped in front of him, proffering that day’s Examiner. 24

“Don’t need to know the time today?” Tony snidely asked, as he snatched the paper from the man’s grasp.25

The man smiled. “Ah, yes, what is the time?”26

Tony glanced at his watch. “Five-twelve.”27

The man tapped the paper as he sat down beside Tony. “Interesting article on page twenty-seven…”28

He absently flipped the pages until a headline declared: ‘Banking Community Mourns the Sudden Death of....’ Tony snapped the paper shut as he said, “Of no interest to me.”29

The man sat silent for a moment, before recounting the words from the closed newspaper, “‘…the sudden death of Anthony Felton, respected investment banker for…’”30

“Who are you?”31

“I think you know who I am, you just haven’t accepted it yet. I daresay it makes no sense to a fastidious man like you.”32

Tony glared out across the water. “I think it may be best if you go away and leave me alone.”33

The man stood. He tipped his black bowler hat in farewell. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Anthony, and the next day, and the day after. I have all the time in the world to wait.”
34

Tony ignored the profound statement as the gaunt stranger walked away; he had that day's paper and no one to disturb him.35

Waiting was... peaceful. He'd do it forever if he could.
36

Author notes

prompt used: endless waiting.

Notes:

I am Aussie, so any possible spelling 'errors' may be due to the British-Australian standard of spelling.

Also, this was written for a contest with a tight word count. The lack of description for the tall, gaunt man is deliberate - this story is written in third person subjective - Tony only sees what he want to see - he doesn't take much notice of the man, so therefore there isn't much description of him in the narrative.

An explanation of the overall story for those that didn't quite pick up all the clues...

Tony (Anthony) is an aging investment banker who always likes his little time of peace to read the paper as he waits for his ferry in the afternoon after work. One day, however, he dies suddenly of a coronary as he sits waiting. Refusing to acknowledge his death and allow himself to 'move on', he continues to return to the same seat at the same time everyday, so he can continue his peaceful tradition. There he meets Death - a gaunt man in a black bowler hat that tries to gently remind him of his death. 'Five-twelve' is Tony's time of death, but this only gives him slight pause, so Death confronts him with the newspaper article. Even then, he prefers his own reality - he loves the peace that comes with waiting. The running late day - he very nearly passed on - but at the last minute he decided he liked his peaceful routine a lot better. It was also meant as a 'red herring' - to throw the reader off the trail.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 45 of 45

  • tonialoise
    November 6

    Edit | Reply
    Very good, I like the different take on death.

    The red herring kind of threw me off, but I figured that might have been when he actually died, the other days were just warnings. Ah but seems I was wrong, still, very good and somewhat surreal story.


  • seamus gold member
    October 23

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    As per the trophies. While some may have needed the Author's Notes, you take all the fun out of it with the excellent explanation. A World Class short story. You have an admirable ability.


  • Vanilla King
    October 5
    Edit | Reply
    I've read this story before and it's still just as powerful!

    But, you already won a trophy, so I'm going to DQ it, to give others a chance as well. I hope you understand.

    I still want to thank you for entering and letting me enjoy this great piece again!


  • Carina.J.LR
    August 28

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this, I couldnt find any mistakes, and I loved the whole piece all together. The one question I have is 'Is Anthony Felton Tony?' because I feel like he is, but I would just like to make sure.


    • tallblondie gold member
      August 28
      Edit | Reply
      As I have noted in the AN's: 'Tony (Anthony) is an aging investment banker...'


  • rocker4life
    August 24
    Edit | Reply
    awesome, great story and good luck

  • emma...
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    This kind of reminded me of the movie Stranger Than Fiction. It is about something sort of similar; have you ever seen it?
    Wonderful write! I love the descriptions of how people act towards one another in The City.
    Thank you for entering, and good luck


  • oboefreak
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow. I really liked this. You have definite style and, although this wasn't exactly what I was expecting for my contest, the monotony of Tony's days was perfectly written, and you made something fantastic seem extremely ordinary. Well done!

    Thank you very much for entering, and good luck with the contest!


  • SoundInkMusic
    August 7

    Edit | Reply
    I love stories that push the boundaries of the everyday world, and you did just that. The narrative voice war perfectly suited for Tony's monotonous days, and his repetitive attempts at denial after his death. You let the truth of what was happening seep in slowly, instead of throwing it in all at once for shock value, and as a reader I enjoy being given a chance to figure things out for myself. There was plenty to interact with in this story, and plenty to think about. Death seems like a fairly decent fellow.

    Congrats on an excellent piece of writing.

  • What a great story. I loved the brevity and the fact that so much was packed into such a short space. Glad I checked it out.


  • Asfand
    July 15

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting. Impeccably written, I couldn't spot any mistakes. I loved your take on this. A very profound idea. I love the way it started, especially your intellectual reflection on society and urban life. The twist - was fantastic! Excellent read - one of the better stories on this site by far!

    Thank you for your entry! Good luck!

  • I've read a few of a stories, and I'm very much fascinated by your writing--I love your style and the way you make it come to life.
    This one is very twisted; I had to read it and then read the author's notes and then read it again to fully understand it, but that wasn't a bad thing--it made me think.
    Well done (though I doubt I need to tell you this).

  • I really liked this story. The whole twist about Tony's death was a real doozy so to speak.

    You really have a good knack for short stories if you know what I mean: concise yet fully informative descriptions.

    Great job, and good luck!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Woh, this was a cool story! Though I did see it somewhat coming (because you entered my contest) the Reaper-thing still made it fresh!

    The setting is well-described and explains why no one would see him or pay attention to him. Also shows how the same routine can be held on to without it being 'weird', since that's just the way he lived.

    Also loved the Reaper... a friendly and patient man, so it seems, that gently tries to explain to the deceased one that he is exactly that... deceased. A nice and fresh take on mr. Reaper!

    Thanks for entering!


  • artaq gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful! I love how you made Death friendly and acceptive....When he is usually portrayed as evil.
    As always a wonderful story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • faeriestone
    June 26

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant! At the strangers second appearance, I guessed he was Death. Loved it from beginning to end. Are you a published author? If not, you should be!! Great!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • This is great! It really caught my interest.
    Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!


  • ley527
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this. It was pleasant to read. Even though there wasn't much description and detail, a vivid image was still produced as i read the whole thing. Well done


  • Violette silver member
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    Indeed, I enjoyed this piece, congrats you are in my finalists. Your use of imagery was superb and the concept knocked my socks off!

  • DEATHLESS PROSE?

    I enjoyed the piece...but inadvertently touched my ENTER button...so I am writing this by having to go back and see-saw-forth between edit mode and story=page mode. So...bear with me, please.
    In P 12 you use the word inferred incorrectly. To infer is to deduce...the word you mean, I believe, was implied. Imply = to suggest. (These two are often a source of confusion to many users.)
    In P20, I love your line "You look like a man with time on your hand"...very nice. (And herein lay your "message."...although I don't really accept the sin of ambling about being "unproductive" as a reason for guilt, or in this case DEATH!)
    I appreciated the simpler style with less "writerese" used in this tale...but I would also cut down further. Do you need ALL those days? And the man left at the terminal with the "bowler?"
    It was obvious without all that. Fewer days and fewer time-checks would be fine.
    I also felt, for the sake of credibility, your protagonist was a little TOO aloof and reluctant to give a "poor passer-by" the correct time. (For this alone he might have been smitten in N.Y.!)
    And one last comment...Mr. Death makes altogether too many as an anthropomorphosized character. Perhaps you could just tame him a little...make him a little less annoying, preachy and shadowy.
    But............I liked the overall style you are embracing. I'd cut even further.
    GA

    • WHY WON'T THE CLAPPIES COME UP!

      Clappies are extremely tempermental.........very frustrating.
      Give yourself three please!
      GA

  • GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!

    IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVED IT GOOD JOB IT WAS WONDERFUL, AMAZING, GREAT, LOVED IT ONE OF THE BEST YOU SHOULD BE A PUBLISHER YOU ARE SO GOOD

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • HengmanL
    May 7

    Edit | Reply

    Whoah!!!

    This is great! Thanks for entering my contest! I enjoyesd the subtle hints at the death of the main character, as well as your portrayal of death. I would have like some more descriptions, but other than that, this was a great read. Tha\nks!


  • Valkyrie silver member
    May 1

    Edit | Reply
    So, death came to him a couple days before he died, then? Creeeepy. Like Meet Joe Black crossed with Sixth Sense. I think the word limit hampered the awesomeness just a bit, but contests iz contests.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    April 30

    Edit | Reply
    Very clever. I didn't get it til right at the end. He wouldn't even believe the account of his death in the paper.

  • Kismet Krazy
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful little tale. a little sad though. but i really liked it. you wrote it wonderfully too. Great job.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • DoozerDan silver member
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, haven't commented on this yet. You already knows what I think, but might as well make it official with some clappies.

    I enjoyed this tale. It had me curious to see what was happening throughout. I think I worked out he was probably dead by about halfway through. I didn't guess the man to be Death till the end though.

    I can't stand the idea of working an office job. I need to be out and active! But, I do like routine. Hmmm.

    Anyway, I liked this piece, and I love the title.


  • Abstract Muse gold member
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting take on the reaper.
    I like how the title was a subtle clue.

    I knew something was up when Tony first ignored the old man and then the time was the same as the title.
    I didn't get it until later when he closed the paper before finishing the headline the old man suggested he read.
    Looking back I realize there were other subtle clues as well.

    It is also a sad reflection on how life really is for some people in the big cities.
    Good details and descriptions to show what's going on as usual.
    Nicely done.
    Greg


  • Lawrie gold member
    April 25

    Edit | Reply
    Very cleverly done.

    The observations relating to life in the city are quite astute, and quite accurate. It is often said, "The city is a lonely place."

    One missing word:

    Two days later, Tony ran late. As he leapt onto (the) ferry...

    A well written story with, in my opinion, the right amount of description, prose and dialogue.

    • tallblondie gold member
      April 25
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the catch - it seems I often 'miss' words (usually the small ones) - and for some reason am never able to identify where I have excluded them.


  • VelvetWings
    April 24

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed reading this story; a lovely take on the prompt. As I read it I had inklings of what the events really meant, but I didn't expect the gaunt man in the bowler hat to be Death himself. I imagined he was some old man who could see spirits or something. But reading para. 34 (which contains my favourite quote in the story, I might add) made me change my mind and decide that the man was Death, which I was happy to have had confirmed in your Author's Notes.

    It was predictable in ways but deeply psychological and not so predictable in others, and altogether a great write. I love Tony's character, in contrast to the 'normal' people around him, he seems a bit brash and irritable yet at the same time calm and patient--I suppose the latter qualities come with being a spirit.

    Your story also reflects a message on society: the monotony of human life. Monotony... I wonder now if that was where the name TONY came from!

    Thanks so much for this contest entry!

    ~Sparrow


  • Rorshach gold member
    April 24

    Edit | Reply

    Routine 9-5 as death for eternity

    Great commentary on how people live through their routines but are really dead inside to the life and potential that surrounds them. This is how i read it anyway. As the most anti 9-5 man in the world i got a lot out of the story.


  • Myth
    April 23

    Edit | Reply
    That was good. I had never expected that he was dead, it really surprised me. You wrote this very well and I enjoyed it a lot.

  • I think it's so interesting (and so true) how you mentioned that even though people living in a city are in close proximity there is a mental distance that people build, purposefully I think, to create the illusion of space. Not only did you mention this little tidbit, but you used it form a more developed look at your character from just the first couple of paragraphs. I think it says something about him that he's following the little unwritten rules of the City. I'm pleasantly surprised.

    There were a couple of spelling errors that kinda stuck out, but with a little careful editing I have no doubt that you will be able to spot those yourself

    Despite all the routine and all the 'sames', I found myself waiting in suspense to find out what would happen that would throw it all entirely out of wack lol either that says something of my cynicism or your skill as a writer. Meh, maybe both. I also like how he's a little rude with death

    I'm extremely curious as to what happened the day that "Tony ran late" I assumed it was the day he died, before I realized that he'd met the stranger (Death) already in the story. It was a very abrupt two sentences and I wanted to know why such a creature of habit was somehow late one day.

    I also don't think you need the explanation in your AN at all! The only thing that I wouldn't have understood from the story in the sudden coronary...maybe the day that 'Tony ran late' he was late because he was experiencing what he thought to be a little heart burn or dizziness or whatever the symptoms are?

    • tallblondie gold member
      April 22
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Just one thing I'd like to point out: If I have them, those 'spelling errors' are simply the British-Australian versions of some words. Otherwise, for the life of me, I can't see the errors that you say 'stuck out'. Perhaps you could point them out?

      • My apologies! I am silly American. -palmface- I didn't think to consider British spellings. Sorry again, hope the rest of my comment was more helpful.


  • Cupcake14
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    Hahahahaha! Never seen such a stubborn character. Personally this is the way I view myself when Death comes to take me. Too good. Though the first paragraphs made me think it was a science-fiction story, I dunno why.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very intriguing and clever plot. I enjoyed reading this. I had my suspicions of course where it was leading, but still didn't have the exact idea. It wasn't at all what I expected- and kind of sad in a way (after I read the AN's and fully understood everything). It was well written and the lack of description with the gaunt man added to the mysteriousness of the piece in my opinion.

    Job well done and good luck in the contests

    Sometimes, three clappies aren't enough!


  • PixieDrug
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    oh my wow! clever plot and well I loved it!
    I didn't get it though until i read the author notes
    this is majorly because i forgot that tony is short for anthony ^^ when i read the bit about the paper and a bankers death I was thinking it was him and then I thought that anthony was the bloke with the bowler hat, a deceased friend come back to haunt tony. I'm so stupid!

    brilliant well done!


  • Keirii
    April 21

    Edit | Reply

    W-O-W!!!

    At first I didn't really understand what was going on. I was close though

    I was thinking that that gaunt, old man was Anthony in the future and that he was coming back in time to show him the difference in his life or something like that? That he was showing him that time is precious and he's wasting it. But then when I read the newspaper part I knew I was wrong.

    I like how you wrote this very much. The only thing is that I would have described the characters more. Like maybe if you described the gaunt, old man better I would have understood what he truly was.
    I had no idea and I had to find out in the authors notes.

    But your writing style is extremely good and I've read many of your other stories and think they're really impressive; they're very fun to read.

    I can't wait to read your next story!!!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    I like it!

    Surprise surprise.

    If I had something more constructive to say I would, but as always you seem to have done an excellent job.

    CURSE YOUR PROLIFIC WRITING LOINS!

  • i thought it was good

  • i like it

1 - 45 of 45