Chapter 22
The Squeal Of The Guinea Pig3
Kristi still held the door ajar, doorknob in her hand as she stared at the stunned and confused burglar. She quickly took in the situation, noticing that the object that had caused the racket was the still reverberating piece of steel lying behind the assailant. Kristi, followed closely by Anbo, slowly walked into the garage, where she circled the tall boy standing in her garage. He was about 5’8” and had a messy mop of brown hair. After making a full 360 around him, she stopped and looked him in the eyes.4
“Nice to meet you,” She said extending a friendly hand to shake. “I hadn’t expected that when your resume had dictated that you were specialized in stealth that you would end up sneaking into my house” She said with a sardonic, yet warm smile.5
Anbo was hit with surprise at this statement. “Job résumé?!” He muttered, stunned, mouth hanging agape. “What do you mean job résumé?” He looked dumbfounded from Kristi to the 15 or 16 year old boy, making for the second time that evening that Kristi had seen such emotion across Anbo’s face.6
“Anbo, no reason to be alarmed, it’s not like I have hired a hit man to take you out for me,” Kristi joked, nudging him aside and leading the new boy inside the house. “It’s lucky for you that I didn’t hire you due to your stealth skills because, I’m afraid that you seem to have none if I were to take that little… incident into accommodation” Kristi Joked with him7
“Even if you did, I can’t really expect hundreds of stainless steel plates and… all this crap to be in a normal household” The young man joked back, making his way through the door after Kristi and Anbo. As he got inside the door he looked around and in disbelief uttered “Jesus cripes, I wouldn’t have stood a chance trying to sneak in through this junk” while nudging a few papers aside with his foot. 8
“Yes, you’ll have to excuse the mess” Kristi said, a little embarrassed. She bent over and picked up the papers that had been brushed out of the way and set them on the mountain of papers that was once a kitchen table.9
“-or he could just get out” Anbo finished with his own words, letting them drip with malevolence.10
“Anbo there is no need for that,” Kristi interjected leading the two boys into the living room and somehow cleaning off a spot on the couch for them to sit down. “Anbo, this is Daniel, Daniel- Uhh, how exactly is that pronounced?” she stopped, looking to Daniel.11
“Breyen, just like Brian” he said, flipping his hair out of his face. His hair was short in the back but came down to past his chin in the front. It was spiked in the back like the classic ‘emo’ cut. He had Icy blue eyes and a mischievous smile. His teeth were a bit yellowed, but not disgustingly so. “I’m 16, and I go to Mason-Chesterfield High,” He said extending his hand to Anbo who, in a most impolite manner, pushed it aside, and sat down to pout on the couch. Daniel Shrugged and began to explore the living room. “You never got a chance to tell me,” he said, “What exactly was I hired to do?”12
“You are, in lack of better terms, our guinea pig. Our lab rat.” Kristi explained to him as he made his way around the mounds of plywood and metal rods in her floor.13
“Are you ready to squeal like one?” Anbo said with a horribly venomous look in his eyes 14
Suddenly Daniel stopped toying with one of the blue curtains. “What exactly are you going to be experimenting on me?” he said with his eyes widened.15
Kristi loved to explain her projects, and most people, however often it didn’t happen, had learned better than to ask, and therefore, it didn’t happen very often at all anymore.16
Kristi jumped up off the sofa, already excited, and making that visible through her smile. She walked around the two steel circles had been cut and then welded to old bed frames, she grasped a blue curtain circling one of them and opened it allowing the inside of the circle to be visible, she then hurried over to the first circles counterpart, opened it, and then scurried back to the front of the room. “This was my idea,” she started off. She always seemed to turn these explanations into a small acceptance speech, as she hardly ever got recognized. “I am trying to create the first ever telepod technology. This idea is one that will speed up transportation several hundred times; it will allow humans to travel at the speed of light. Unfortunately, the scrap yard was fresh out of any materials that could have been transformed into a pod, so we had to make do. That is, unless you are wanting to climb into a refrigerator to try this.” She stopped, trying, but failing to keep a straight face. “Anyway-” she coughed, “our first test will be to try and get our teleportation devices to work, after that, we will work the pods into the picture. They won’t be hard to incorporate, they are mainly to cut down on cost and room consumption” She finished the first part of the explanation.17
“Okay, so what are the chances that a 17 year old girl and a-“ Daniel thought then finished with- “A 14 or 15 year old twit are going to be the first people in the world to achieve a working teleportation device?” a little narrow mindedly.18
“Idiot” Anbo scoffed t him, then he stood up and motioned to Kristi, “Do you not know who this is? Don’t you? This is Kristi Arlington, Teenage whiz. She’s made the news several times, she has an IQ of probably triple yours, and if it is in any ordinance, she takes craps with more thought processes than you,” Anbo began to rant.19
“Anbo, stop. Now” Kristi said with an edge of steel in her voice. “Anyway” she started again, with a weary look towards Anbo “as you probably picked up from Anbo, I’m a bit of a genius. I know that doesn’t really give me any special credit in this day and age, but do try and here me out. We are testing it for a reason. We aren’t exactly sure if it is going to work the first time around. But we plan on trying it until it does, and, you are getting paid to test it.” She finished smiling20
Still a little tentative, but done with his questions on his safety for the moment being, Daniel went back to studying the device. “Am I allowed to ask how it works or would the idea melt my brain?” Daniel said, looking back up to Kristi, learning it was probably best to ignore Anbo who was sulking miserably on the couch.21
Kristi, who had begun to like Daniel right off the bat, answered him with a nod. “But that shouldn’t matter because the teleportation process will probably do that anyway.” She said, once again unable to keep a straight face. “Seriously though,” She hopped up on one of the steel circles, “this is where the magic will happen –“22
“Yeah, magic” Anbo snorted interrupting her.23
“Before that,” Kristi said, giving Anbo an odd look, “This is the first ‘pod’” She said, using air quotes and giggling. She motioned to the other circle “That is pod numero dos.” She jumped on top of it and continued, “Our goal is to make you get from one, to two, without YOU moving.” Daniel, nodded, then sank back onto the sofa, folding his hands behind his head and sighing, settling in for what he knew was to be a much more complicated explanation. “ so, basically, the first thing we had to do was to take a person, and transform them into some type of data, or energy.” She said, using her hands to enunciate her words. Kristi walked over to the computer, sitting heavily on the chair in front of it. “So, considering that we have figured how to do that, we have to charge the-24
“Wait,” Daniel interrupted. “Aren’t you going explain how you did that?” he asked a little wearily25
“Well…” Kristi started, thinking on a way to simple it down “In a very old article on cancer, I read how dying cells that were infected with cancer gave off a special electrolyte. This electrolyte, once studied, was found to contain information on the cells that had died. A few small professors did experiments in a Harvard lab and found that they could restrict cells and DNA from this information. Seeing this, we can infect you with a curable form of cancer, get this electrolyte, super charge it so that it will travel with electricity, and let it go from this pod to the other. Afterwards, we let the computers do all the configuration of the data, and assembly. Though we let the computers do that, actually, once the electrolytes get back together, they should actually recall themselves back the way they were once configured.” She finished quickly, taking a deep breath.26
“Wow…” Daniel trailed off in thought. “So this can actually work.” he stated in shock.27
“Maybe” Kristi winked. “We do all of this in a different order though,” she stated. , first we supercharge your cells, infect you with the cancer, supercharge you again, take the electrolytes, receive them, send them, and lastly, configure them.” She finished again. “It’s actually, a very simple process considering what we are accomplishing.” She turned back around and began typing furiously on her keyboard.28
“Supercharge me?” He gulped “That sounds a bit painful- and dangerous!”29
“It will, all happen so quickly, your brain won’t be able to comprehend a thing” Kristi assured him, still typing. She turned around to face him and said in a very serious tone “You’ll be fine; I put my word on it.” She held up her hand with her index, middle and ring finger up. “Scout’s honor”30
“But you couldn’t be a scout! You’re a girl!” he grinned. 31
Kristi sat back, as if she were offended “You sexist pig!” She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand in the classic drama queen pose. She stood up and pulled Daniel off the couch, much easier than he expected her to be able to. “If you’re ready, we can begin initial scanning now” She loked him in the eyes and then pushed him onto the first ‘pod’.32
“Right now?!” He yelled. “I wasn’t even supposed to be here ‘til tomorrow!” He continued loudly, scared. “I uh- You can’t be done with it yet” He said nervously jumping off of the pod. Daniel walked over to the computer screens and looked at them, trying to find a reason for which they couldn’t continue, but he was completely unable to decipher one tidbit of what was going on on the monitors.33
“No, we’re ready” Kristi said walking over to a cardboard box on the ground, picking it up and placing it in front of pod #1. 34
For the first time in a long while, Anbo sat up and cleared his voice, looking maliciously at Daniel. “Ready to die kid?”35
Daniel was completely undone by this comment. “What- What are the chances of that happening?” He hurriedly asked Kristi. Kristi looked up to him, but past him.36
“Well, that can’t be right” She frowned “According to my calculations, you have a 25% chance of survival” She shrugged and went back to unpacking the cardboard box. 37
Daniel was dumbfounded. He was completely unable to say one word, utterly speechless. He swallowed and looked at Anbo who was still smiling that smug grin. “do them again, they have to be wrong” He somehow managed to make out.38
“That, once again, show’s your stupidity,” Anbo cockily shook his head, placing it on his palm, as if he couldn’t quite believe someone could be so stupid. “You see, Kristi, calculating wrong, that is simply not possible.” Kristi hurriedly looked up to Anbo in disbelief, “I was lying Anbo” She said, frowning, “What is wrong with you tonight? He’s not normally like this” She spoke to Daniel but still eyed Anbo in a disapproving, yet suspicious, manner.39
“Oh,” Daniel sighed again. He was still extremely nervous. He just couldn’t shake the fact that HE was the guinea pig.40
“I’m going to need you to remove your clothes, place them in this box, and then wait inside the curtain please” Kristi said to him, handing him the cardboard box.41
“Why can’t I keep my clothes?” He said a little more wearily, gaining a bit of confidence back.42
“Well… if you keep them, you’re going to be fused with them forever. It probably won’t reconstruct anything without DNA so very well.” She said.43
“Oh, well...that wouldn’t be good.” Daniel stepped up the four inches to the steel center that seemed to be a mile higher than they were a moment ago and slowly pulled the curtain closed. “I hope your not doing this just to see me naked!” He tried to joke over the curtain. Kristi giggled madly and Daniel heard her begin to type furiously at the keyboard. Slowly, he began to undress, but as soon as he started, despite the separation of the curtain, he began to flush uncontrollably. He placed his jeans, shirt and other necessities in the box. He kicked it outside of the curtain and yelled “I’m ready.” He heard some shuffling and the sliding of the box as it was pushed to the other pod.44
“Stand in the middle, and keep your eyes closed. Don’t open them for any reason at all” She yelled over the curtain.45
Cameron looked around at the circle, then saw an X spray painted crudely in red towards what he guessed to be the middle of it. He stepped slowly over and placed his feet on the X46
“I’m here” he said softly47
“Here we go” 48
“Have a nice afterlife” Anbo said loudly and obnoxiously, but Daniel heard a small slapping noise and then a click of a mouse.49
“Close your eyes!” 50
Daniel closed his eyes quickly, clenching them as closed as possible. He heard a small metallic hum as the machine around came to life. Following this noise was a whir of metal moving around him and a very loud crunching sound. Wondering if something was going wrong, Daniel opened his eyes and looked around him. From the poles that were heisting up the curtains, he saw that a smaller ring was descending around him. From this ring, a bright blue light was being emitted. The ring was currently descending over his eyebrows and as he had opened his eyes, the light ran over them. Daniel quickly closed his eyes again. He stood there in the nude for several minutes, feeling slightly more than stupid when the sounds around him stopped, leaving a very loud and echoing silence.51
“Daniel? We are starting the teleportation process, stay calm, relaxed and we will see you in just a minute, okay?” Kristi called.52
“yeah” Daniel called halfheartedly. 53
A motor somewhere above him started, it sounded like a car engine, and according to how everything else had looked, and Daniel figured that it probably could be. He kept his eyes closed as the noise got louder. 54
“Breathe deeply!” Kristi yelled55
He heard a sound like steam being ejected from somewhere behind him, and he inhaled deeply, quickly, losing his breath. He bent over and began coughing, forgetting to keep his eyes closed. He saw that the steel plate he was standing on had begun to glow with a very bright orange. Suddenly, a great pain went surging through Daniel’s body, he grabbed at his sides and head, unable to stop the pain. He fell to the ground and began to spasm upon the ground lying on his back as the pain stopped. He looked up at the ceiling, which was also glowing. He saw a structure jutting out of it glowing with a ball of electricity.56
“I was just electrocuted.” He thought plainly. Then he realized he heard a voice.57
“-and when I said I was kidding… I was”58
“What a relief” Daniel sighed59
“-You actually only have a 23.6% chance of survival”60
Daniel looked up into the great glowing mass of electricity. 61
“Just my luck” he thought as he watched the ball of electricity descend upon him. He felt the pain as the electricity enveloped him. He watched it flow up his fingertips and watched it engulf his body. He screamed with pain as he felt the intense heat it brought with it, but that is when Daniel Breyen saw and felt nothing else at all.62
Author notes
done now, read it, comment it, revise it for me, help me out. I need all teh help I can get. I want this to be good. pleease help me out, a little more than the classic "twas good, keep up the good work!" .. Id relaly appreciate it. Im trying to get this story up and going
In a list
Comments
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Still good.
Yes there are some grammatical errors, but they are not everywhere and not that important. I kind of like the title, but how about just - "The Guinea Pig"? Anbo still feels a little bit awkward to me, but he fits somehow I must admit. Maybe you are going to explain him more,later? You work slowly with the story, and in terms of excitement, that is just getting better and better. Very well last words; makes you want to read further. You have a great language, so just keep the story exciting. Keep flinging in new elements in Kristi's life.
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I know.... I printed out a copy of it and was editing in pen... It looked like it was completely covered with red ink...

Hmm... I am really picky about my titles, and (just for proof) the title for the first chapter doesn't seem creative enough to me... So.. I don't know... I'll look at it and see if I come up with anything else, but no promises, kay?
Anbo is still working his way in... In The first draft of this, There was a Chapter 2.5 (weird, I know) and it was all Anbo, buuuuuuuut it ruined a good ammount of storyline... I would like to hide a few things for now, so I am holding him back... I might still include the mini chapter... Um... Not sure yet.... Regardless, Anbo is VERY important later, and in Chapter three, (at the end) he shows this.
I know it seems slow now, but I am working (and learing) with my writing style, and I'm hoping momentum will build up and it will get easier to write.
I love cliffhangers, and use them QUITE frequently.... I'm sure that will get very old, very quickly though.
Thanks! Im trying to keep things new, and realistic and throw in new elements when the reader isn't expecting it... It takes alot of thinking though... I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into, reading this story... It is going to get REALLY REALLY weird REALLY REALLY soon... It's gonna get pretty fantastical and stuff... Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed thus far, and I hope you DO continue reading!
-CAM-
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Interesting, strange title, you should fix your grammatical errors however, which would improve the story.
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I love my title though... It's... Intellectual? XD
And I shall (and have been) working on editing out the grammar stuffs! Promise!
Thanks!
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Awesome!
This piece is really interesting!
I love your writting style.
It is kinda descriptive too..
Great write and Good Job!
Keep on posting! -
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Thank you!
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i think the story itself is more interesting than the title... you should work on that. but it's really really good.
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Aww... I liked the title....

But at least the story is interesting ^^
Thanks!
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i think this is interesting, but the title is abit weird. I think u sohould change it to make it more interesting!

check mine out if you want x -
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The title is S'POSETA be weird!
Daniel was the guinea pig. Pigs squeal when they get hurt. At the end, he was hurt. THE END!
UNDERSTAND???
XD
Anywho, thanks!
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Great story awsome some errors though keep witeing it will br great to see the next chapter.. Xjones please give me some tips I am only a begginer

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Thanks!
The next chapter will be on sometime this week, and I advise reading chapter one too! I've been working on the grammatical and verbal errors in this one....
Anyway, Thanks for reading me!
-CAM-
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Awesome!! This was a very good story, Love it!!
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Thanks!
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fantabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was a very awesome story, very decritptive, and a very awesome chapter!!! I absolutely positively can't wait for the next chapter!
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Good! The next one will (hopefully) be put up this week! And if you haven't, I suggest you read Chapter one!
But anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you read Chapter three when it is up, and I hope you honestly enjoyed it!
-CAM-
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Love it!! Awesome one..
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Thanks!
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A short chapter, full of detailed descriptions and suspense.
Great characters.
I like the generous amount of conversation that brings dynamic to the plot.
Good work -
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Why thank you!
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greatness!!
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Erm.. Thank you >.> <.<
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Interestng start to chapter two. The discription and details add to the intrigue of the story. There's just a few grammatical errors:
4. slowly walked into the garage, where she circled the tall boy standing in her garage.
Here
5. stealth that you would end up sneaking into my house”
should be
...Stealth that you would end up sneaking into myhous,"
6. making for the second time that evening that Kristi had seen such emotion across Anbo’s face.6
I think this should be 'Making the second time' I just think that works better.
7.incident into accommodation”
should be
incident into accommodation,"
8. trying to sneak in through this junk”
Should be:
...trying to sneak in through this junk,"
Most of your erros are with quotes. You just need to reread it and make the changes.
Most quotations end with comma before the last quotation.
Other than that, Everything is great!
Summerbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Wow... Really, thanks for all that, I love these critici-....ations? :/
Anyway, I have began putting these corrections in (not on SW, but on my personal copy)
If you enjoyed that (and haven't) then I would enjoy having you read Chapter one and (soon to be put up) chapter three ^^
Thanks for all the hard work putting that revision together, hope you enjoyed the story!
-CAM-
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DON'T GET BOGGED DOWN!
Cameron: I'm going to write this...as I go along...as I run across areas that prompt some suggestions. I'll not get to the end...because of time constraints...but I'm hoping my comments might be not only constructive, but applicable (most likely, for this is usually the
case) to other segments of your piece.!
P1...Look at the third sentence. Sounds awkward...because of the repitition of the word "garage." Why didn't you use a pronoun? Try to read your piece aloud...and DON'T repeat words so closely together!
P1..."reverberating" is this the right word? or do you simply mean "vibrating?" Make sure your words are correct.
P2..."Nice to meet you," she said, etc. (small "s")
The next sentence is too long and ungainly. Remember, we are just in the beginning of this chapter. Don't get so windy.
The sentence is incorrect as well. READ ALOUD! First, it is a run-on... Look how many "that" words you have! Sounds terrible!
And the attibution ("she said") doesn't belong here. You don't need it AGAIN!
The sentence itself is phrased awkwardly. "Dictated?" Do you mean "stated?" or "said?" Keep it simple...conversational. Don't make the mistake of lapsing into "writerese!"
Don't use more than one adjective to describe a noun.. Her smile was either "warm" or "sardonic" It is not both, Don't confuse the reader and complicate things. Remember...when you find yourself using more than ONE adjective...you haven't got the RIGHT ONE!
P6..."Anbo was hit with surprise at this statement"...how about: Anbo was surprised!? Don't COMPLICATE things and don't use excessive, extraneous, redundant verbiage! It is clumsy and slows down the story. Just say what you need to!
The rest of this paragraph is ALL REPITITIOUS and unnecessary. The reader wants to shoult "OK ALREADY...WE GOT IT! HE WAS SURPRISED! ENOUGH!"
P7..."to take you out for me?" (Say this better...don't be so colloquial...it sounds clumsy....and you don't need: "for me" If SHE did the hiring...for who else would it be? DON"T BE SO REDUNDANT!
The next sentence is very confused, long and confabulated...and, again, LOSE the final ATTRIBUTION! You do NOT need this!
P8...the conversation is becoming silly...It stretches credibility....
Does this sound like a real conversation in a circumstance like this, to you?
Besides, it's too long...and becoming boring. Something needs to happen before the reader falls asleep.
Also...don't repeat the word: "joke" and "joked"
Not only is the repetition bad by itself, the word is a poor choice...since it seems to serve here merely as an apology from the writer. This is NOT a JOKING situation!And, truly, the guy is NOT joking! Mean what you say...and be careful in your choice of words.
The next sentence in P8 is very confused...particularly in terms of POV (point of view) The writer seems to be losing focus here. and the mix and mess of ideas and the character in this sentence is also out of order and confused. It might better read:"The new player nudged a few papers with his foot as he entered. "Cripes," he said as he looked around in disbelief, "I wouldn't have stood a chance trying to sneak through all this junk!"
Do you see? You have unnecessarily overwritten this sentence (as you have all the others! lol!)
P9...Was Kristi REALLY embarrassed? Or did you NOT need this...and was she just being sarcastic?
P9...Don't repeat "papers." Find a better way to describe what constituted the "mountain."
P10...confusing. Whose sentence was being finished?
"drip?" kind of cliche...too much! lose it.
Anyway...by P12 it is really becoming somewhat tedious...you are getting bogged down is detail. TELL THE STORY!
It really seems like the writer is STALLING...never getting to the point.
KNOW exactly what it is you want to say ...AND SAY IT! No one waants to sit through all this detail and tedium.
Now...don't be discouraged...EVERYONE has to learn this. No one is born with this understanding. READ the piece ALOUD...and keep what I'm trying to say in mind. AND...with those ideas in mind...rewrite it.
Remember what Hemmingway said:
"The first draft is always crap!"
(See why I didn't do the whole story?)
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