The Scales of Wrath

Cast of Miscreants1

Teddy: A Lizard2

Joey: A Mafia apprentice3

Floyd: A Personal injury lawyer4

Harold: A Sanitation Engineer5

George: A retired EMT6

Bonko: An Ex Circus clown7

A pair of Angelina Jolie's Sexy Leather Pants8

A bottle of hot sauce9

Three pieces of string10

And many more...11

While lying in the tattoo artist's chair waiting for the last M in Mom to be finished, Teddy's phone rang.12

“Hello”13

“Dude, it's Joey, where are you?”14

“Getting this tattoo finished.”15

“We don't have time for that now.  We need to get you to the track.”16

“Is that TODAY?”17

“Yeah, you better get your butt here, it’s about to go down.”18

“OK, I’m on my way.”19

With a yelp from the stab of the tattoo needle, Teddy leaped out of the chair, handed the artist a 20, grabbed his leather jacket, and ran out the door to his hog.20

Teddy loved his vehicle and her smooth pink curves.  He took extra special care of her, washing her with mud daily.21

Joey hopped on the back of the hog and surprisingly no one in Clownsville found it odd that Joey, a baby kangaroo should be riding on the back of MargaretG's pet pig, Vigo. Normalcy was the exception in Clownsville and Joey was not an exception.22

When at the track Teddy crawled and Joey hopped to the ticket window,23

"Give us 500 tickets on George to win," screamed Teddy, who just liked hearing the sound of his own voice.24

The undynamic duo seated themselves in the stands. It was the biggest race of the year, the Clown Derby, and the Great Orator, failed circus clown Bonko was attempting to defeat the equally great George, a retired EMT, whose catch phrase, "Too many clowns in Clownville" was sweeping the city.25

You could cut the tension with a stringless weed whacker. Half the crowd rooted for laughless Bonko and another half rooted for the quotable George. Still another half was rooting for the darkhorse, Angelina Jolie's sexy leather pants. The final 50% were rooting for no one, that is, they were rooting for Floyd, the Personal Injury lawyer who had died a week before.26

The gun went off and the race was on. Floyd slumped from the gate quickly, immediately followed by Jolie's man-killer pants. It was a two-man race even before Stiff Floyd and JSP (Jolie's sexy pants) fell at the gate.27

Bonko known to use his whip, slapped at his backsides furiously. George, of a calmer demeaner, didn't like to use the whip until the home stretch. Both men in their late 50's, they waddled along in a Herculean battle of the ages, reminiscent of, Odysseus versus Ajax, Ali versus Frazier, Itchy versus Scratchy.28

It looked like the race would come down to a photo finish but just then three pieces of string ran onto the track at the finish line and a bottle of hot sauce decided the race would be best watched from the back pocket of Angelina's sexy leather pants and by default, made them even hotter.29

The three pieces of string, after an epic battle with a tilt-o-whirl and a giant Spam sandwich with extra mayo, finally came across its very own god complex and knew well before the race even began, who was to be the winner and who would need Floyd's legal counsel, but since Floyd had died in that freak crochet accident, he wasn't sure who would now be able to take the case.30

Meanwhile, in the stands a loud noise distracted everyone, including all the racers. Everyone gasped in awe at the mad man making a fool of himself. 31

"DUDE!! Get freaking DOWN from there!! I KNOW you're rooting for Bonko and all, but don't you think the huge red letters you painted on all those piano teacher's chests spelling BONKO U RAK is a little too much??" asked Harold, the "Sanitation Engineer" for the race track.32

"Ha, you're funny!! You're just masked by your inexplicable urge to caress toilets!! Yeah, you CLEAN TOILETS!! Ha, ha, ha...ha. DON'T TELL THE DUDE HOW TO ACT!!! YOU CLEAN TOILETS...THAT'S so...so...FUNNY!! Hahahahaha...ha." said the man with the inexplicable hat made from large green-bellied-bee-eater feathers. He proceeded to laugh so hard he flew up above the stands, and decided to stop at Pluto for a quick plutonian tae-kwon-do lesson, and a small burger made from AOL adds. It was quite protected from spam. Then, he fell back down, and knocked out both Bonko and George...in a beautiful show of plutonian tae-kwon-do aerial absorption martial spam protection.33

Harold, the "Sanitation Engineer" for the race track, sighed and cried out in mock fashion, "IN THE NAME OF LOVE, WHAT MORE IN THE NAME OF LOVE???" Everyone stared and signaled to the huge blimp to dump the doughnuts on top of the racetrack, and so, it was done.34

"I...I...I CAN'T PRETEND ANYMORE!!! I...I....I AM BOB!!! I'M AN EX-RACE TRACKER, AND I'VE COME TO SEEK REVENGE IN THE FORM OF FATTY NACHOS!! I...I NEED TO BECOME WHO I WAS BEFORE!! I'M SO...glad I got that off my chest. Cheetos, anyone??"35

Just then, a buzzer rang immediately followed by the lights bursting.36

A strange glow appeared.37

"Who, who are you?!?" Bob shouted.  The glow started to shine brighter and brighter, until it exploded.  The lights turned back on.  And Richard Simmons appeared in front of Bob.  38

"Cheetos, Bob?!  Cheetos?!"  Richard started shaking in an fit.  "Do you know the protein count in Cheetos?!  How about the cholosterol count?  CALORIES BOB!  CALORIES!!!"39

Bob tried to speak, but Richard kept going.  Scream after scream about Bob's overweight condition, his lack of jazzercise, and his lack of healthy eating from the food pyramid.40

"Come on Bob!  Kick up those heels!"  And Richard illustrated his point.  His face turned Delicious Apple Red, and he started going faster and faster until he burst out into flames.41

"I'm melting!  I'm melting!  Oh what a cruel cruel world!"  He cried.  Just before Richard disappeared, he calmly whispered, "Tell my love, Terri, that I wish that she never introduced me to Veggie Burgers." With that, he was gone.42

"Dude, what the hell just happened?"  Joey asked his stout lizard friend.43

"What?" was all Teddy could muster after his fourth shot of tequila.44

"Was that Richard Simmons that just spontaneously combusted on the track?"45

"I think so, it's just so hard to tell in this seat behind this Huge Sesame bagel with Lox."46

Just then the deliciously toasted spectator turned to the drunken lizard.47

"You got a problem buddy?"48

"No problem sir." Teddy backed away slowly with his salt shaker and wedge of lemon poised and ready for the fight with the crispy yet chewy adversary.49

Suddenly, the track PA system blared to life with an announcement.50

"Where's the Gold?" boomed the voice over the loudspeaker.51

Bonko rose his head and stuttered, "Not...a...gain...not...him!"52

Sure enough, it was the Spam Sandwich with lots of mayo come to take what was his!53

Suddenly a flurry of dust from the track poured into the audience, and in the middle was the evil Spam Sandwich and he began his ritual of ripping the left arm off of the spectators and beating them senseless with their own appendages.54

As he beat one man over the head the Sandwich screamed, "Gold, give me gold!" The man, bloody and ready to faint, struggled with his right hand and pulled out a paper, which he handed to the maniacal sandwich.55

"This ain't no gold! This is that "W. G. Simms checklist." Don't want no southern antebellum hogwash, want gold!" And in a surprisingly calmer, civilized, aristocratic tone, he continued, "And besides you forgot Simms most famous novel, "The Yemassee." What sense is there having a checklist without that?"56

Things were looking glum until out of the infield Angelina Jolie (not her Sexy leather pants) wheeled the mummified body of Falco, the Austrian one-hit wonder. Ms. Jolie placed a microphone in front of the cadaver and the crowd (and the Spam Sandwich) fell into silent anticipation....57

The three pieces of string ran up and grabbed the microphone and began mercilously taunting the Spam sandwich with a head of lettuce and sliced tomatoes.  58

The bottle of hot sauce leaped out of the pocket they were in and dragged the sexy leather pants slowly behind him while sauntering up to the strings and began to string a guitar with them.59

The leather pants were given a bass guitar pre-tuned so they may join right into the jam.60

Angelina grabbed her t shirt and flung it to the side of the impromptu stage as she took up her place as backup singer.61

The noise was stunning as the band was finally ready and began to play.62

"I know this song!" Joey screamed as Teddy warily watched the Sesame bagel with Lox turn slowly around from the threatening condiments.63

"What?"64

"This song... It's...65