Here's my new version of the sketch- number two, about my mother:1
I find her leaning over the counter kneading bread dough, her favorite cd of hymns at top volume. She looks tired but she’s smiling anyway, and listens with endless patience to my teenage ramblings. The scent of babies clings to her even now that her youngest child is ten years old. Her gray curls stick out in all directions and I cannot determine whether they reflect her refusal to conform or my own questionable skill as her barber. She is the kind of beautiful never praised in fashion magazines: she looks happy, she looks alive. She radiates joy and strength and patience developed while raising her ten children. Her hands fold the dough again and again the same way she’s kneaded her whole-wheat bread dough in each of the over-a-dozen houses she’s lived in since marrying. She calls herself American though she’s been out of the country for the last eighteen years, learning new skills and languages from all parts of Europe and South America. Her math and P.E. teaching certificates are somewhere forgotten in a filing cabinet, but she has taught her children to love, to work, and to bake the same wholesome bread that filled their childhoods.2
Author notes
I chose to describe my mother. I tried to emphasize her deep love and devotion to her family- her concern for the emotional and physical health of her children that she shows by listening so patiently and by baking whole-wheat bread because it’s healthier than any bread you can buy. I also put some stress on her inner strength and her accomplishments, because Mothers are often seen as less intelligent, ambitious, and hardworking than women who choose to make the work field a higher priority than the home.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Fabulous Again
Why, hullo again.
This piece is already quite good. There isn't a terrible lot I can pick out and talk of (it's a good sign
).
a) Just a little thing: 'cd' is capatalized to 'CD'
b ) When you say 'she looks tired', if you had a little more leeway for wordage (I realize you have a limit), it might be a little powerful to illustrate this as opposed to telling the reader (Show vs. Tell) - but this is only extra for you, as, again, I recognize your limit.
c) 'listens with endless patience to my teenage ramblings' implies when coupled with the previous part of the sentence that she is currently, at this moment, listening. In order to make it sound, adversely, that it is a continuous thing, you may want to squeeze an 'always' in there or something to that effect.
d) Again connotative words always come in handy: 'curls stick out' -> is there a stronger word for 'stick out' such as 'protrude' or 'jump out' etc?
e) In the sentende beginning with 'She radiates', add a 'the' in. If I may:
"She radiates THE joy and strength [...]"
It identifies the joy and strength she's developed as directly related to her raising ten children.
f) I'm not sure how you would fix this so easily (I would be stumped myself!) but in the sentence beginning with 'Her hands fold' you mention the word 'dough' twice noticably. If there is any way to replace one of the words (preferably the first) with another that sentence would be a little stronger.
If you can't find another word, don't sweat it; there are so few synonyms for 'dough'. ^^;
g) In the sentence beginning with 'She calls herself': A little puctuation - take out the comma between 'years' and 'learning'. In the same sentence, 'all parts' is a little weak. If you can replace it with something like 'all over' or something to the same effect, I think it would sound better.
i) In the last sentence, add somewhere in the phrase 'she has taught her children' an adverb such as 'still' to dispute her having forgotten her academic teaching certificates.
Other than that (and a lot of it isn't even important), there's really nothing else I can put down. It's wonderfully written and it's nice to see a fifteen-year old (I'm sixteen and a half, myself) writing so well. With my experience, even kids older than myself are terrible writers (it's a bit disheartening).
Anyway, you did a terrific job.
My favourtie lines has to be:
"Her gray curls stick out in all directions and I cannot determine whether they reflect her refusal to conform or my own questionable skill as her barber."
It's very descriptive and gives real insight into both your narrator and her (her, right?) mother.
Very nicely done. Bravo, Encore!
(hug)
I hope you keep writing - from this you have excellent, excellent promise.
<3 All my best always
- eau-lourde -
amazing, girlie.
damn, you're only fifteeeeeeeeen. i'm very jealous
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thank you- i agree that the piece would work better seperated into paragraphs, but I'm not allowed to for this particular assignment. However, your suggestions were helpful and encouraging.
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WOW... This is awesome Zeke!!! you did a great job on this "character sketch"... I really like it!!! Keep up the good work!!!
hgus,
Beth -
I am looking at this after some wonderful critiques and the piece looks just about finished to me.
Here are just a few picky thoughts:
1. Add a title - this piece deserves one - perhaps "My Mother"
2. POV - Take out the 2 instances of the pronoun "I" - line 1 and line 4. Start the piece with "She leans over the counter." Leave the one "my" in line 5. And change their to "our" in the last line. I think this makes the first person narratoive even stronger.
3. Structure - I'm not sure what the particulars in this assignment are (you came in at 199 words - great jo
but I would like this broken into paragraphs. I would break this at line 5 between barber and she and again at line 7 between children and her. This sets off the strong descrptive overview - "She is the kind of beautiful never praised in fashion magazines: she looks happy, she looks alive. She radiates joy and strength and patience developed while raising her ten children. " Also, this brings you back to the scene as she "folds the dough again and again."
Sorry if I'm too picky. This is excellent! - joanne
Edited on Jun 29, 8:10 because 'i copied the whole thing'. -
Interesting Read
I'll focus my efforts on the first character sketch, as I like that one more than the second.
a) Emonquente and Dominangel really have done wonderful jobs of suggesting revisions to you; I'm not sure what else I can provide!
First thing that caught my eyes was the preposition at the end of the first sentence; though the rule is not always followed, it's often less awkward in writing to generally not end sentences with prepositions (in, on, above, under, with, to, etc). In any instance, the 'with' is not even needed; eliminate it.
c) Though it requires a bit more revision than a one-word deletion, you may want to go through the piece and check out your sentence structure; often you begin the sentences with 'she', which can deaden a piece - if you vary how you start and end your sentences, it may smoothen it out a bit.
d) Your second sentence could use re-working; as Dominangel pointed out, not all teenage poets are suicidal and, unless you're trying to make a point, it is unneeded. Also, you have a redundancy: when you say 'reformed music hater' you automatically tell the reader this girl used to hate music but now doesn't (the 'reformed') - so the 'four years ago she hated music' should be deleted.
e) When you refer to 'they', it seems a bit unclear; perhaps this will suffice instead:
"No one can define her so she's placed [is there a stronger word to use here? Thrown? Shoved?] in the discard pile, and later surprises with her flavour of fruit raised on garbage."
f) If you wish to deepen the sketch in any way, the easiest way to do so is to use connotative words in place of others. Refer back to Dominangel's review; for instance, again, instead of 'placed' you can use a stronger word to describe how she was placed.
g) The sentence beginning with 'She thrives on rejection' runs a bit long, unecessarily. The 'because she's not, really' is a little confusing; if you want to use that phrasing you may want to clarify it. Also, if you cut the sentence in at half after 'writes her loneliness into poetry', you are able to get rid of the long-winded-ness of the sentence. If I may:
"She thrives on rejection and writes her loneliness into poetry. Though so many cultures spit at her for being American, she comes to love each of them because every stranger is a potential friend; so she keeps smiling."
You may want to re-work it a bit and mold it to suit your needs and wants if you want to take this suggestion at all.
h) The second-to-last sentence is also a little long. The 'she doesn't care' is also a little unclear. If I may:
"She can almost speak five languages, and yet, alas, none of her words help to reach her inner child, who still longs for the innocence lost in her youth."
i) The last sentence is a little of a hanger; it leaves off wide open, a frayed thread, without any way of closing. If it is feasible, add something to the end to bring it all back in.
j) Also, you're being a bit unclear when you say 'and she only cries when the memories keep her awake' - clarify a little, if you want to keep it.
It seems you have a lot of good people here to give you support and suggestions. how lucky you are; what I would give for critical suggestions such as these on one of my pieces!
I hope I've been of some use to you; please don't take my suggestions terribly seriously if they don't agree with you; I'm no professional!
Good luck and good work. Keep writing; you're doing swell!
**PS. The 25 points are not necessary; I just enjoy helping fellow writers and giving feedback.
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hehe- i'd never written a character sketch before.... And as for you being only 16 so i shouldn't listen to you- heck, i'm only 15, so i will.
"too afraid of how different she is to let her close " is this meant to be let her come close? or let her close, like closing a door??
yeah, i meant come close to, but that sentance confused a lot of people. thanks for the help. -
thanks, and i love your name, by the way.
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thank you, you are the first person to say they like the first sketch better! Well, my mother is by far the more impressive person of the two of us, so maybe that's part of why my sketch of her is more powerful... Thank you once more for the comment.
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thank you- the pieces were only inspired by the assignment, to write a character sketch in less than 200 words. The first one is about myself and the second one is my mother, so it was easy to find things to say, but harder to tie them into coherent pieces of writing.
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wow.
umm... i dont think i can take anything out of this. im just pretty much useless.
okay... yes i probably can. but im only sixteen, so do not do anything i say, unless you wholly agree.
i think in the first sentence, you should remove the with at the end. it just seems a little uneccessary. i didnt even read it the first time.
i really really like the imagery you created with "fruit raised on garbage" thats very nice. please please do not take that out
okay, you know how you have two references to poetry/poems/poet thing, well maybe if you didnt have the first one, and just made it "shes a reformed music hater" so then when you read the bit about her writing down her lonliness it seems fresher and more meaningful?
"too afraid of how different she is to let her close " is this meant to be let her come close? or let her close, like closing a door?? that sentence confused me a bit.
apart from that, it was really good, really sentimental and very raw. bravo for revealing all of that. maybe not so much getting a physical picture of you, but i managed to create a collage of people i know who have some of those qualities... so in a sense, you're more familliar that way.
with your mothers one, im very very moved by it. its so simple, but it details very well what parents truly have to go through, and just how much of an impact they have on you throughout your lives.
'full blast' really doesnt seem like a motherly term. wel, for me, it doesnt fit in with this warm cuddly mother figure you've created. it seems more a youngish thing.
i like your use of endless patience, thats a very big thing in parenting. good choice of words.
once again, maybe if you took out the sentence about her gray curls, it would shorten it, and make the next sentence fresher. but then again, you being her barber might be an important part of this character sketch.
beautiful ending, really links it all together.
a wonderful thing, i've never read a character sketch before
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wonderful
i love the first one. probably because it hits close to home, with the violin and innocents lost. the first sentence is a bit off, you could take the with off. you should shorten it a bit, but i cant say what you should take out, because most of it is so crucial to the story that you are telling. i personally think its magnifacent, so maybe if you re worded some of it you could cut it down. its a very beautiful scetch, and i applaud you putting this out there. you are very brave and strong, to have over come so much. instead of four years ago, you could out she used to, and you could take out the because, after she knows 4 languages, and just start a new line stating none of them help her reach her inner child.
i love this, it is beautiful.
good luck with this
and i am here if you ever want to talk.
all my best wishes to you
>>>>alese<<<<
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this is such an amazing outline! I loved the first on emy favorite line is
"They can’t define her so they place her in the discard pile, and are later surprised by the flavor of fruit raised on garbage."
If the first one is about you it's so indepth, I also like how you'd described everything into a very short but adiment way.
The second one is also very indepth, my fav. line is
"Her math and P.E. teaching certificates are somewhere forgotten, but she has taught her children to love, to work, and to bake the same wholesome bread that has filled their childhoods"
I am having trouble trying to help you on which one, for the first one is awesome, but the second one is more touching is the way of life. You did great on both and Good luck on your assignment! -Ducki -
These are both very well-written pieces, especially considering the word restriction. The only suggestions that I have are ideas to improve the flow a bit.
1) Using more descriptive language. Since you only have so many words that you can use, choose them wisely. You want to choose words that not only ‘speak for themselves’, but also provide their own context. For example, using the word “flavor” is a bit ambiguous – and you only get the sense of the character being nicer than what you might expect one with her background to be reading further on. Substituting “sweetness” for “flavor” implies that she is a sweet person, and is in keeping with the word “fruit”, as sweet is usually associated with fruit
2) Proper punctuation. It eliminates the need for having to reuse the personal pronoun (In this case “she”), as well as correcting some of the run-on sentences.
3) Less is more. What makes a character one an audience can relate to is leaving some blanks for them to fill in. Let the reader decide certain traits about her. Example – I removed “non-suicidal” mostly because not all people associate teenage poets with suicide, and putting the idea in the readers heads might put them off the character. Conversely, some readers might find her not being suicidal unbelievable, therefore difficult to relate to.
I did a bit of reworking of the first paragraph so that you could see my comments in action. This version counts at 185 words or so. (If you can excuse me for reprinting it here):
“She’s a loner in a skirt as bright as the landscape of Sweden is drab, and just as lovely. A teenage poet and reformed music-hater, whose daily repentance now includes three hours of violin practice. She loves her religion so deeply that people forget that she used to not have any. So content with her 5’6’ frame she is, it’s hard to believe that she just recently regained the thirty percent of it lost to poor self image in the form of anorexia. Indefinable so discarded, people are often surprised by the sweetness of fruit grown in garbage - she thrives on the rejection, writes her loneliness into poetry. She loves every culture that spits at her for being American, evenn though she’s not, not really. So afraid of how different she is, they remain distant; But every stranger is a potential friend so she keeps smiling. Although she speaks nearly five languages none of her words reach the child inside who still longs for the innocence she lost too young. She loves life, she only cries when the memories keep her awake at night.”
Anyway, these are just my suggestions. I hope you find them useful – or, feel free to ignore them.
Cheers!
Edited on Jun 29, 5:22 because ''. -
9/10
well everything that you need to know i believe is in here already but since I wasted yer points by clicking this on random impulse I'll put in my two pence.
A. Use the first one
B--- "She thrives on rejection, writes her loneliness into poetry and comes to love every culture that spits at her for being American because she’s not, really, but they are too afraid of how different she is to let her close and everyone she doesn’t know is a potential friend so she keeps smiling. "
Is too long of a sentance try this-- "She thrives on rejection, writing the loneliness into her poetry, and comes to love all cultures, though they spit on her for what she isn’t. People are afraid of her differences, but she overcomes that and continues to smile."
That also cuts out 14 words and turns a 53 word sentance into several shorter ones. you still need 11 words out though right? soo...
C- "She loves life, and she only cries when the memories keep her awake. "
That might be replacable with "She loves life." and just ending there making you lose another 10 words.
D---"She’s a loner in a skirt bright enough to color the dull-but-lovely landscape of Sweden with"
Take out 'with' and done that's 14+10+1=25 ^.^
Hope I was some help, great job with these sketches, you're fairly talented ^.~.
P.s.
If you needed more than 25 words out (you didn't tell us how many you needed to end up with) I agree that in
"She’s a loner in a skirt bright enough to color the dull-but-lovely landscape of Sweden with"
you could take out "in a skirt bright enough to color the dull-but-lovely landscape of Sweden with" and just put in a comma and go right on to the next sentance saving 15 words instead of just one moving yer final tally up to 34 words removed ^.~..Maybe you should do that anyway...It's kind of cheesy hee hee.
Ta-Ta,
Emonquente
Edited on Jun 29, 5:12 because 'added the p.s. part'. -
I liked them both, but have to agree the 2nd is better. If you are needed to take some words out of it (if I read your comment correctly. I would try something like this:
"From the doorway, I watch her leaning over the counter kneading bread dough, her favorite music cd, playing full blast. She looks tired but she’s smiling, and listens with endless patience to my teenage ramblings. Her hands are chapped and covered in flour, and when she hugs me I am engulfed in the scent of babies that clings to her even now that her youngest child is ten years old. Her gray curls stick out in all directions and I cannot determine whether they reflect her refusal to conform or my own questionable skill as her barber. Her wild hair frames a face that is the kind of beautiful never praised in fashion magazines: she looks happy and alive, radiating a joy, strength and patience developed while raising ten children.Her hands continue folding the whole-wheat bread dough. The same way she’s kneaded it in over a dozen houses she's been married. She calls herself American though she’s been out of the country for the last eighteen years, learning new skills and languages from all parts of Europe and South America. Her math and P.E. teaching certificates are somewhere forgotten, but she has taught her children to love, to work, and to bake the same wholesome bread that has filled their childhoods."
I hope that helps. You might try rewording the "hair" part, to make it a bit shorter, though with the next line, I think it's perfect the way it is. But I really do like it myself, I could see her quite vividly.
Sherry
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Personally I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the first character sketch, it's amazing, it's personal and to do a character sketch based on yourself is extremely hard ***strangeangel takes her hat off to Myno***, if I was to give you any advice at all I would say just take the first sentence out, so it would start... She's a loner, a non-suicidal teenage poet... I think that it is amazing though, the words and description is great, I felt like I knew the girl.
***Strangeangel*** -
Nice descriptive piece, and very good imagination , i must know your inspiration for this piece. This deserves an apllaud, feel free to stop by work anytime. never stop writing and take care.
~CoRy -
Ahem, never end a sentence with 'with'(...landscape of sweden with.) But screw the rules I thought these were two very good sketches. The second one gives more insight into the person,guess it is harder to write about yourself too objectively. In the 2nd you kind of get a better idea of the person as you could if you met them in person, very good descriptions and imagery of her and her working in the kitchen, especially like the nuanced way you brought in detailed information about her without taking the reader abruptly out of the kitchen.
I really wouldn't know what you could take out to shorten it...everything is really well written. -
Wow these are both great, but i think the second sketch is much better. But if you prefered the first sketch and wanted to shorten it, perhaps you could re-word the first sentence to be a bit shorter? The second sketch really stood out compared to the first, perhaps because it's easier to write a sketch of someone apart from yourself. You've certainly succeeded in portraying your mother well, her personality comes across very well, and the image is clear in my mind. The sketch of yourself does sort of give a picture, but didn't really show me your personality. But both are overall very good, just prefer the second. Hope this helps.
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I liked the second one a bit better (I'll get to it in a moment...first I'll cover the...first, heh heh). This is distant, from an omniscient narrator, which I think works with character sketches better than the first person (outside of context that is...it could well work within a long/short story). Problem was that I felt that you repeated the "you'd be surprised", "you'd find it hard to believe" (and other such variations) line a bit too much. It would be better to present one or two with more of a dispassionate eye. As for the description itself, well done. All the necessary information is there and we get a good idea about who this person is.
As for the second sketch, the description is a lot deeper. In comparison to the first, there's more interesting language and metaphor. As I said, I don't find that first person works for a simple sketch outside of a story, so I think it could be improved here by applying a third person view. That aside, lovely little description.
These are both very good, and aside from what I said about repitition and view, there's little that needs to be changed.
Cheers,
Yossarian
Edited on Jun 29, 3:56 because ''.
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