We stood there facing opposite directions, complete opposites within as well. Your long black hair flowing down your back neatly kept back slightly curling at the ends. While mine is a messy chin length dark brown, my eyes are dark and hollow. Your eyes are a sparkling sea green and so full of life, although there is some pain deeply hidden inside. Your skin is a flawless light tan, and has a slight glowing appearance as the sun hits it. My skin is scarred and bruised with a pale to light tan coloring to it. 1
We both are about the same age, even went to the same school for a while. I am only a few inches taller than you at 6’0” to your 5’6”. This is the only time we really run into each other, surprisingly since you live on the other side of the city. Every time we pass I want to talk to you, but am afraid you will just run away. Your middle to high class standard, while am only low class maybe middle class on a good day. 2
This part of town is dangerous and yet you travel this way every day back to your home. I want to protect you and make you think I am not some creepy stalker. I see the way you look at me, even if you think I can’t see you glancing at me from the side as if you are looking around. 3
The man across the way keeps looking at you like your a your lamb on the dinner table. I glare at him in a way that I know will make him stop. He avertedly removed his glance at you to the front of the train without even a second glance. Most of the men in this part of town are pigs and monsters, but they won’t harm you as long as am with you through this part.4
I wish you wouldn’t travel this way; there are better ways back to your home and safer ways. I know you don’t remember who I am or even why I would risk my life to save you. Sadly its much better this way, as long as I know the reason and who you are everything will be fine. 5
You wouldn’t probably even care if you did remember, what happened to us long ago. We were so young then and I am sure your parents never bothered tell you that you weren’t their daughter. People don’t care if your blood anymore as long as you are considered blood that’s good enough. I am glad you aren’t such in this horrible part of town and the social worker took you away before they could hurt you. 6
You accidently bump into me as the train came to a sudden stop, your soft voice pulls me out of the past. "Sorry, sir didn’t mean to bump into you” you say looking straight at me.7
For a second I am at a lost for words, in the years that I have been around you I have never heard you speak, “Your fine young lady,” I say looking right into your eyes. You look away soon after you see my dark cold eyes. I don’t blame you I would have done the same thing. You rush off the train after realizing it was your stop, I followed you; watching you leave the station as I got on the train heading back into the dark part of town.8
Author notes
Something random I thought of after looking at an image. Let me know if I should continue it or leave it how it is. What do you think the title should be?
Let me know what you think?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is a nice opening it. In this opening it brought to my attention that there are two people, and through this one person examining their differences I was able to get an image of how each of them looked from the other.
In Line 6 I became aware that the main character does know this person but perhaps she doesn't remember.
By Line 7 it gets interesting to me, because in the beginning the speaker speaks as if he/she knows this girl. But by Line 7 I realize that this person doesn't know her, and that they have never spoken to each other. And that this person is an observer.
By Line 8 the questions that this provoked in me weren't answered and I wondered if that was your intentions.
I am not sure what the title should be because I don't understand your intentions. What message, what thought provoking things was it that you wanted me as the reader to receive? -
First line read badly in my opinion, but from then on, it seems fine. You use excellent imagery in your pieces which is great to see. Only a limited amount of emotion though so don't forget to include more.
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Very good, I can picture it perfectly. I noticed that you accidentally put in part4 the 'like you’re a your lamb on the dinner table.' you should take out the your. Other than that I love it and I think that you should continue it or keep it. It would be good either way.
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It does sound like you're describing a picture. While your descriptions are great and we can see them, there's little emotion in the first couple paragraphs. That changes in p3.
p4 "like you’re a your lamb" remove the "your"
p7 "past.” Sorry," should be "past. "Sorry," the spacing around the quote was off.
p8 “Your fine young lady;” should have a comma after fine and the semicolon really should be a comma
"You look away soon after see my dark cold eyes." I think you're missing "you" before "see"
So once you start describing the guy's feelings it really took off. Very enjoyable.
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Hey. Again, I just love your descriptions! The reader can just actually picture these scenes re-enacting right before their very eyes!
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Very nice, leaves a lot to the imagination. Really deep and all that stuff, it states but not elaborates, again, leaving it all to the reader's imagination.
I suggest you employ a spell/grammar checker and keep the whole thing in one tense - you skip between past and present a bit in the beginning and end. Watch your homophones
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What image were you looking at? It seems like a wonderful beginning and could lead anywhere. Call it Dark Encounter or something like that
I did notice some structuring things...like missing or reversed wording...for instance, the last sentence,
...follow you watching leave the station as I get on the train heading back into the dark part of town...
...sounds kind of awkward, as if the words are jumbled a bit or like something is missing.
I am curious to find out what happens.
Great job!
Rian
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Thank you for the comment and the advice.
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Well
You have some great writing in here but you could definitely develop it more, there were not many grammatical errors, but think about adding in some more descriptive words, and the first paragraphs are really slow. You want to capture the people who read your story's in that paragraph for example here's something I wrote with a too fast entrance but still works.
His sharp canine teeth ripped through the raw flesh of her forearm, Sage screamed out in agonizing pain. She had never felt anything so painful in her life and it just got worse as the monstrous wolf whipped his head back tearing off a chunk of flesh. It was the worst pain she had ever felt and hope it would be the last. With her other arm she swung her lintra blade at the wolf. It sliced through its flesh like a warm knife through butter. Sage struggled to keep consciousness but the more she tried the more she was pulled back into the blackness. She could just see the huge outline of the figure and new she missed the heart. Then as fast as the wind another dark mysterious shape smashed into it sending it flying across the room. It hit the wall with bone shattering force and fell motionless to a heap on the floor. “Are you ok?” it was a male; he leaned over Sage and gently touched her arm. Pain spasmed through her and he faded, everything faded to darkness.
You understand? It's good writing much better then some of mine. One last piece of advice, you made it very Tell-Tale you want to show not tell.
beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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Thank you for the comment and the advice!
-Grim
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