No-Not-He [1]

 http://abdoukili.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/child-abuse.jpg1

 2

He never raped me. No not the one strong man in my life.


He could never commit such an act. A sin. A delight. He would never have given into temptation. No not him.3

I lay awake sleepless. Soulless. Letting the stars and clouds wash over me. The rain dripping like water droplets from a rusty basin. I caught each one as they fell. Holding the clouds drifting fog. Letting them seep through my fingertips.4

My mind. It was distant, murky, shadowed and black.5

I strained my eyes squinting up at the sky. The sky held so many secrets. Secrets that were light years away from being revealed. 6

I was the sky. Black, clouded and sparkling with life. Yet I was masked by the great unknown. Secrets that no-one knew or rather I did not.7

I could not remember the incident that everyone was talking about. The incident that everyone was trying to hide from me.8

I wondered why I was so far behind everyone else. Why I could not bring myself to be like my peers. Why men seemed so repulsive. Men- All but one.9

I was no lesbian. I did not fancy my own kind. I was brought up to respect it. My mother was a lesbian herself. She had always been and he still stuck around even though we all knew who my mother really was. A dyke. 10

Was that the reason they had created these secrets I was never to know? Did they make them up to hide behind their own clouds? To cover their own stars?11

I could never be like them. I was not my mother. Still the question remained.12

Why could I not bring myself to be touched? Why could I not touch myself? Was it because he was gone. The only man in my life. The only man I had ever loved. Or was it because deep down inside somewhere behind my own clouds there was a secret after all. 13

Did I know the truth?14

He never raped me. No not that clever con man. No, not he. No not my father.15

Author notes

I had 5 minutes to write to a song: I chose Hey daddy by Korn and when I was typing the theme to this story- If I choose to continue will be : All mans land - By planet Funk (2003)

I am thinking of making it a short series.
But I am not sure if it would get much readership.
And it is not incest before anyone gets the idea.

Let me know if I should?
I am thinking about it.

Blair

In a list

Shall I continue...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Jack Necron
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    The metaphors are what make this so beautifully dark. The first line drew me in, but the allusions kept me locked in. The language is emotionally driven and aids the conflicting thoughts. You even toy with us a bit, hinting at the truth through those very same metaphors.

    I think the sort of "transformation" in the beginning was a good start, where the state of mind and pain becomes like that of the dark sky above. The rain would also play to the tears and fears, in my opinion. I think it worked well as a front for blacking out and not remembering the incident. (Though, in a way, she was truly transformed as a person by this scarring event)

    The underlying denial that flows through the story, and it prods the reader's mind who is seeking the answer. Did he or didn't he? And then the incredible, heart sinking ending line. Many stories have a great final sentence, but this one went above and beyond the norm by touching us with a cold grip.

    Here are few things that stuck out to me:

    "we all knew who my mother really was. A dyke."

    It might be better to have it as "we all knew who my mother really was: a dyke."

    "Secrets that no-one knew or rather I did not."

    This may read better as "Secrets that no-one knew or rather, I did not."

    Other than that, nothing else stuck out, and I could be wrong about those.

    I had seen you around on the site but never took the time to read your work. I must say, I am glad I did. And to write something of this caliber this in five minutes is remarkable.


  • Anam Cara
    September 1

    Edit | Reply

    Touching

    I really liked this. "My mind. It was distant, murky, shadowed and black" thats exactly how I felt, and still feel sometimes, because of the things my father used to do to me. It was the worst experience of my life.
    "I wondered why I was so far behind everyone else. Why I could not bring myself to be like my peers. Why men seemed so repulsive. Men- All but one." Was what I'd be thinking alot as well.
    I think a short series would be nice. I know I'd read it.
    -Brandy

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Much-Dipstick
    August 17

    Edit | Reply
    This was very powerful and well written. I saw on your profile that you want critical comments so I shall do my best

    The start of this was very good. You instantly introduced the theme, and rather than centering it on the word "rape" you focussed on the denial, which leads to confusion and mystery of why she would defend her assumed attacker. All this is done in one short line, which really carries the weight of the story, then expanding into the particulars.

    The second paragraph expands on it, exploring why someone would or would not commit rape, with "sin" and "delight" as key words. I think this helped to draw the reader in, making it easier for them to empathise with the character you created.

    The third, forth, fifth and sixth paragraphs all tie together very well, with the powerfully worded descriptions of her pains and confusions. The link you gave to the night sky, something all readers will know, worked particularly well, as it's something they can picture and imagine well, leading to them being able to understand your metaphors and symbolism.

    These four paragraphs also tied in with the next, with the confusion.
    "Secrets that no-one knew or rather I did not.7". This line confused me. While I think it worked very well as part of the considering and uncertain paragraph, it's not too clear what you mean by "or rather I did not." Do you mean she did not know the secrets either? Perhaps this needs to be a little clearer. Other than that, it worked very well.

    Also, as a personal favourite, I liked the rhetorical questions and the reference to peers. Everyone compares themselves to people they know in an attempt to be "normal" so this was very realistic. Then returning to the subject of her mother, the introduction of which made this piece very personal and individual. That repeated introduction suggests her mother was an important part of her life, something she cannot cut out, but the words themselves tell about how she did not see her as a role model, particularly expressed in "I could never be like them. I was not my mother."

    The ending was incredibly well done. The strong denial that is totally ambiguous in it's certainty, either that it's the truth, or a lie. I like how you repeated the title, and how the final revelation was at the ending, that it could have been the father. Very well written ending. I would suggest perhaps a tiny bit more emotion in that last part, fear, anger, denial, or something along those lines. A very powerfully written piece that all too many can relate to.

    I am very glad to see you continued this, I think it's well worth it, and I hope to find time to drop by with more comments soon. Great and emotional work!
    ~Luck&Love~


  • BruisedConfessions
    April 13

    Edit | Reply
    amazing writing!! i love it!
    and specially the ending lines .. they were really powerful!
    you should definitely start with a series.. but be careful to make it just as interesting because it is a tricky theme..
    best of luck!

    ~Arooj


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    April 10

    Edit | Reply
    In this were you in denial about your father raping you? I don't know if that's true but if that happened to you I could relate. When I was younger my dad raped me. It was a horrifying experience that haunts me. We just found out he has cancer though. So maybe once he dies I can finally get some sleep and stop fearing him so much. Hes done a lot more then just rape me..believe me.. He deserves to die... But I'm really sorry if your dad did that to you. That's really sad. If he did you should tell someone. Maybe the authorities but I know from experience that doing that hardly ever makes a difference. Good job. Nice write.

  • mikhl
    April 10

    Edit | Reply
    I thought that this story was very good, I like the similarities between the beginning and the end. I would love to see this go on to be a series.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

  • k.malakante
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, a really powerful and descriptive piece. Writing it in the first person narrative has given it a really realistic feel and makes it all that much darker. I saw the last line coming but this still ends on quite a sinister note. Good job!


  • Ludo Ossidi
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    Oh God, my stomach suddenly just got that empty feeling reading that ending line.
    Very, very powerful.
    And this'll sound mad after that, but I don't think you should continue it, it's amazing how it is.
    -Saying that, I'd read more though, totally.


  • TNTrouble
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    I would definitely read more of this ... in fact twas hoping I was that you would have gone on with this. More!
    I of course totally relate in many ways to this and I love the style of writing you use ... as well as the twist at the end. Completely hot, and killer fierce work you did creating and writing this lovely piece. Great job.


  • GrimDeath
    April 8
    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting, I think it could make an interesting series. I would love to read more.


  • MsAlee gold member
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Is all i can really say. Your use of description is beautiful and gives the reader so much to relate to even if not lost in the secrets of the story teller.

    i would love to read the short series you mentioned (even if it does take me a while to read it). Your work is always a great treat to read!


  • henna.the.wicked
    April 7

    Edit | Reply
    It's an interesting perspective to write from, and I think that there's definitely enough within the concept to explore without walking over the same ground many times, as sometimes happens in these pieces.

    The comparrative perspective/analogy of the night sky is a very good one in this instance, it suits what is being communicated very well. I think that you should continue working on it by all means, there's a lot of good narrative to be had from the character development and general exploration of the issues surrounding such a situation.

    Well, that's my two cents worth ^_^ Perhaps I'm slightly biased in my analysis, but I guess that's how the cookie crumbles I do think this is an excellent piece, especially for a short one, you've communicated a lot with clever use of words.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • LarissaTheLilGoth
    April 7
    Edit | Reply
    Is she a butch dyke or a lipstick lesbian?


  • Brightest
    April 7

    Edit | Reply
    Paragraph 11: "Still the question remained." You have an unneeded, "ed" after question in your line there. ^^

    It was interesting, I'll give you that. I liked the way it was written. It really helped bring another spark to it. I don't know where you'd take the story, however, as always, that's for the writer to know and the reader to find out! You'd definitely have my interest should you decide to continue though. I think you should! Good luck with it!:

1 - 14 of 14