nothing: a victim's story

it started at first just him
he would come to visit me at night when both our parents were sleep
I could not fight back
I was too scared
so i lay still oblivious1

in my mind I was with paipai and the cottage
i was in my yellow spring dress
chasing butterflies through the meadow2

when it is over i lay still until I fall asleep
then i go to scrub every bit away
rags, pumice, and graters aren't enough to clean me
i can see the bruises he leaves and I can feel him still3

then it became two
mama had to work
she never knew
she never saw what they did to me4

my body is not my own
i am their to do as they please
it's my own fault
i trusted...both of them5

my legs are numbing and it increases
i can not even feel them
they are gone6

i'm back with daddy in his lap
he reads me stories from my big story book
he calls me his little princess
his baby...7

but they call me that too
in the distance daddy and I hear them calling out my name
they want me to respond
but I cling to daddy
i am not ready to go back yet8

daddy's face melts into a different face
a face that I have not looked directly to since the beginning
they touch me asking how i feel
i do not respond because i feel nothing9

without my father I feel nothing10

scalding hot steam burns my skin
but i still can't feel
it's as if
someone has lain down on me
my nerves have liquefied 11

with hot water rolling down my face
and from the shower to my back
i have to turn it off soon
or mama will wonder why her bath is cold12

But i cannot stand
the concussion was nothing
it let me see daddy again
he was crying, like when I broke my arm13

i didn't notice as the water got darker
i was seeing my daddy
he had finally come to save me
daddy.........