No More Parties

The sun was coming up on what would be another boring day in the life of Daone, secretary to the gods, and matron of the centaurs. She sat down at her desk on a large plush pillow with her legs folded underneath her body. She let her hooves drape off of the pillow onto the tiled floor.1

Sunlight flowed into the room at a very shallow slant, casting light into every crevice of the room. Someone entering the narrow arched doorway from the courtyard would be blinded by the almost sticky sunlight, but with the sun to her back, Daone could see every stone brick and plank in the room with perfect golden clarity. 2

Daone sighed with disgust. Apollo was running late, as usual. No doubt he and Artemis had been throwing another of their parties, because she had not been in the sky all night. Apollo would likely stall out again around midday to take a three hour lunch break, and keep the Mediterranean and Olympian planes baking for the rest of the day before hurrying home early. The trees of the Mediterranean plane were already showing the stress of Apollo’s inability to keep a schedule. His problem was not the partying. He’d started keeping company of mortals. Bad mortals at that. Ones who influenced him in mortal ways. So he and his twin had started slipping into a linear view of time. They were losing their touch; they were being affected by continuity.3

To Daone, time meant nothing. She was as staunchly godlike as one could be in the fields of omnipotence and omnipresence; it was a good quality in a secretary. She had taken not so much as a smoke break since man had been created, yet the two packs she was about to smoke still flowed through her veins, and she was well rested after taking a ten year nap to relieve the stress she knew the humans would bring. If you’re confused right now, don’t worry, I am too, just suffice to say she was as unaffected by time as anyone could be.4

And with that in mind it came to a surprise to her that anything about this particular day, amongst eons of knowing the schedules before Zeus himself changed his mind three times, she was surprised that anything would surprise her.5

Yet there, standing patiently in front of her desk for a full minute before being acknowledged, was a tall medium built man, wearing black cargo pants, big black boots, and no shirt. He was not very hairy, he had a sparse patch on his chest and another around his belly button, all of it straight and light, which meant of course he was young. 6

His muscles, though lean, were well toned. He must have been a Spartan scout, or an Athenian wraith. No. He bore none of the tattoos of the former, and none of the scars of the latter. He had been indoctrinated into some group though, because his skin had a grayish look of stress and malnourishment about it. Perhaps he had failed the entry into a warrior group. Not likely, failure would have meant many more scars than success. The hair gave no signs either. It was shaved close to his head, making him look like he had escaped, from, somewhere.7

“Um. Excuse me ma’am,” the young man interrupted her thoughts, “I know you cent-“8

“Why the hell are you existing right now?” Daone snapped at him.9

His mouth hung open. He was thoroughly confused at the outburst. “Uh, there’s a lot of speculation about that, I’m afraid most of it goes over my head.”10

“No, I mean, why do you, exist here, I don’t remember writing this down on the schedule.”11

“I didn’t schedule an appointment,” he said.12

“No you silly mortal. I have everything that I will do scheduled until the end of time, when I can stop worrying about petty schedules and mortal timekeeping again.”13

“That sounds restricting,” he commented absentmindedly, trying to find an exit from the bright room, “I was wond-“14

“What are you here for?”15

“I need to see one of the brothers about a job.”16

“What job?”17

“The ad didn’t say, it just called for an open minded able bodied young man in black trousers, and black boots, with a shaved head, no prospects, and no shirt. Since I fit that description pretty well, I decided to come in. I won’t have to… you know… go Greek, will I?”18

“No, the brothers are quite occupied with their own pets right now. Could you show me the ad please?”19

The young man held up a flyer, “See? Right here, where it says…”20

He continued talking as Daone read it. She recognized the symbol in the lower left hand corner. It was a secret signal from Hades that meant only one thing. She pulled a decorative javelin out of an umbrella stand next to her desk and skewered the young man.21

Startled, he looked down at his stomach to see blood pouring out. His mouth and eyes were wide. Slowly he looked up at her. “Ow,” was his only reply, before shock took the best of him, and he collapsed on the ground.22

Daone released the javelin as he fell. She watched him for a moment. “That’s it? Not much of a show was he?” She sighed and pulled a bronze tube to her face and cleared her throat. “This is Daone calling for Lord Had-“23

A puff of smoke darkened the room and quickly cleared to reveal Lord Hades. He stood taller than most, with broad shoulders and thick arms. His lower body was that of a goat, and his face held a perpetual impish grin. “Has my toy arrived?” he asked enthusiastically, wringing his hands.24

“Yes lord, that beautiful pile of bones bloodying up the floor there. Didn’t put up much of a fight, did he?”25

“Yes, good thing too,” said Hades, “This one’s dangerous in plenty of ways, that’s why I wanted you to spear him straight away.”26

Daone looked at the crumpled pile of mortal on the floor. “You sure you’ve got the right one lord?”27

“Positive,” Hades said with a wink. He clapped his hands, and shades drifted through the cracks in the walls. They hoisted up the body, and followed Hades out into the courtyard.28

Hours later, after a nice nap and a very rejuvenating dosage of wine, the mortal was awake again. He sat alone on a doctor’s slab, watching snakes slither across the floor. Upon noticing one of the larger snakes, he pulled his feet up onto the slab with the rest of his body.29

Hades entered the room, and saw the young man looking at the floor. “Don’t worry,” said Hades, “They’re real. Please, stay seated.” He held up a hand as the mortal man reluctantly started to lower himself to the floor.30

“Lord Hades,” said the man, trying to kneel while sitting, “I am honored by your presence.”31

“You’ve obviously never visited my temple. I digress. From now on your name will be Mordant, and you will be the psychopathic little henchman to the gods. Don’t get into any pissing matches with Hermes by the way, he’ll destroy your life. Of course, I hired you on the grounds that you didn’t have a life so that’s not a real threat to you is it?”32

“Milord. I don’t mean to object, but my name was always Mordant.”33

“Yes, because we decided it thirty seconds ago. Don’t try understanding it, your head might melt.”34

“If you insist, lord.”35

“Believe me, I do. Now isn’t the time for futile exercises in philosophy though. It’s time for your first tasking.”36

“What will I be doing for you, lord?”37

“Nothing for me, except earning me a few favors. You’ll be doing things for the others, mostly brutalizing the gods and titans back into line whenever they stray.”38

“Who’s bidding will I be serving today lord?”39

“My brother. It seems Apollo and Artemis have been causing trouble, and Daone won’t stop complaining about it. It’s worse than the Ganymede incident. So go have a chat with Daone. Make sure she cooperates. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” and he left.40

Mordant hopped up, and kicked a snake away, “You think you know about the gods; then you meet them. I always figured they’d be more pretentious than officious.”41

***42

Mordant wandered his way to the front garden, and from there, he managed to navigate his way to Daone’s office. He was about to enter when he suddenly remembered his first encounter with her, which consequently reminded him that he had left the stove on, and needed to take out the ducks, or anything else to excuse him from entering through that doorway.43

As he stopped just out of the door’s periphery, a Daone called to him from inside, “Mortal! I know you’re out there, please come here so that I can speak with you.”44

“Right, Ma’am,” Mordant replied, “Just as soon as I walk the children.” He turned, and she was barring his path.45

“There’s a good puppet. I hear you’re going to finally be answering my complaints about Apollo and Artemis.”46

“Uh, something like that I guess.”47

“Alright, well, they’re having a party, tonight, or whenever it is that your day ends. They’re borrowing one of Aphrodite’s lower planes. There’s a corsair leaving shortly, it will get you there with plenty of time before the party. Break it up, break it up good.” She stepped aside and let him walk past. As he walked away into the garden she shouted, “One more thing! If you get in trouble at the party, reread the schedule!”48

***49

The sun had just started going down again, and was moving at an alarming rate by the time Mordant’s corsair landed in the sea around Aphrodite’s sorority beach house. The ship’s crew began furling the wing sails and hoisted the flywheel anchor back into the boat, as they were not needed once the ship got out of the air.50

Mordant enjoyed air sailing, he was in fact the grandson of a famous sailor. A fact did not make him appreciate any more just how closely to the end of the terrain they had landed. In fact the rudder had been sticking off the end of the plane over the abyss, and they stayed in irons for a considerable amount of time. It was during that time that Mordant had considered jumping off and swimming against the current, but he decided it would be best to take his chances on the boat.51

As the corsair approached the land mass of the plane, Apollo could be seen descending with the fiery disk of the sun, straight into the beach house. He leapt off of the disk at the last moment, allowing it to crash next to a pale battered crescent on the roof of the building.52

“How the mighty have fallen,” Mordant muttered to himself. “Captain, how much longer before we get there?”53

“We’ll be there soon enough you panicky land lover! You’re not the only college kid on this ship who’s excited to get drunk.”54

“I’m not? I thought this would be arriving well before the party!” What was it Daone had said. Check the schedule. Mordant dug through the many pockets in his pants and finally found the schedule in his front pocket. He unfolded it, and noticed something he had missed before.55

In the bottom right hand corner Daone had written something. It said, ‘Mordant, the ship you’re on will arrive just in time for the party. On the ship with you are the DJ, the security team, and with a large portion of the University of Athens gladiator team, who all plan on having a good spring break. I have just informed them all by way of prophetic vision that you plan on ruining the party.’56

The door to the lower deck burst open, and several gladiators in polo and armor burst out. “You!”57

“Me,” grumbled Mordant, “Always me. Listen. Guys, I’m really not here to break up any parties, I’m just here to talk with the twins.”58

“Well you’re about to eat my ass so it doesn’t matter!” shouted one of the young men.59

Another student behind him stepped forward and shouted, “El Em Pe rules!” He wore a blue polo shirt with the letters LaMPrey emblazoned above a cartoon lamprey.60

“Cute,” said Mordant walking forward casually, “That your little club?”61

The kid in blue stepped forward, “That’s our frat!”62

“Smile and say repressed homosexuality!” Mordant shouted with a smile. Mordant slapped the young man, and then grabbed the exposed back of his head. He stepped back and turned, slamming the boy’s pretty face across the deck of the ship.63

On the shore, Apollo and Artemis watched through binoculars.64

“Is that guy on fire?” Artemis asked.65

“Well we’ll find out when he hits the water. Why would someone do that with a fish?” Apollo lowered his binoculars, “Well sister, I guess the party will be just us.” He stepped away from the window and laid down on one of the many giant velvet pillows laying about the place. He noticed with distain that the room needed to be whitewashed again to cover up the places where people had stopped on the way to the vomitorium. The beach house was pretty much perfect otherwise, at least in Apollo’s mind. The floor got a little slick near the end of a party, but it was a minor complaint. 66

Apollo got up and returned to the window.67

“Yeah, if that’s your idea of a party,” Artemis said, lowering her binoculars and looking away from the window. She looked around the room at all the decorative gold statues, and clean bronze weapons. “You know maybe this is all just foolish of us. We’re really not pulling our weight anymore, and dad is disappointed with us.”68

“NO!” cried Apollo.69

Artemis turned, “What-Oh!” A lithe shirtless man crashed through the window, knocking Apollo down to the ground (for the dense readers this shirtless man was Mordant)70

Artemis reached for her gladius on a nearby table, but Mordant smashed a coconut open on her head. She stumbled and hit her head on the edge of the table. Mordant grabbed the back of her tunic and pulled her up. An arrow punctured his forearm from behind. The field tip had gone between the two bones. He let go of Artemis and pulled the arrow all the way through.71

Mordant turned to see that Apollo was aiming a second arrow at him. “My lord, that isn’t a good idea,” said Mordant, “You might-” The bowstring chirped a single high tone as the arrow shot forth. Mordant felt a sharp pain in his cheek, in the back, near his jaw. “Yes my lord, you might do that.”72

The arrow had passed between his lips, and grazed off his teeth as it traveled perfectly between bone and flesh, before exiting the rear of his mouth, it continued to travel several feet before lodging firmly into the stone wall of the beach house. Mordant could feel the ringing in his teeth, and wondered how much work the dentists would need to do after that powerful shot. He spat out a few chips, and looked at the floor where they lay.73

“Who are you?” demanded Apollo.74

“I have a message from your father my lord,” Mordant responded, ignoring the question.75

Apollo lowered the bow, and Mordant heard Artemis sheathed her gladius. “What is the message?” asked Apollo.76

“Just this my lord,” Mordant replied. He grabbed a potted palm tree about the height of a small man, and continued talking as he dragged it over to Apollo, “Imagine this tree is how angry your father is with the two of you. With that assumed, this is the message…” 77

Mordant lifted the tree out of the pot with some difficulty. He stepped and swung the tree at Apollo. All his muscles strained, and Apollo collapsed under the weight.78

Artemis started to dive at Mordant, but he bunted her in the head with the tree’s roots. She wrapped an arm around his waist and tried wrenching him down. He seized her arm and her head. In a quick twist he had pulled her off. He twisted back and slammed her into the ground.79

Apollo kicked out Mordant’s leg and jumped on him, but Mordant put a boot in his chest. Apollo flew back and slammed into the wall, knocking out several stone blocks on the outside of the beach house. Mordant lifted up the palm tree’s empty pot, and smashed it over Apollo’s face.80

Artemis picked herself up again. Mordant grabbed her shoulders and slammed her into the wall. He punched the side of her face and she fell, sprawled out on the floor.81

“Now get back to work,” Mordant grumbled. He shuffled over to a window and bowed down. “Lord Hades. It is done.”82

Smoke rose out of the woodwork, and parted to reveal Hades. “What is this mess?” he demanded. He looked around further, surveying Mordant’s work. “Really Mordant; what the hell happened here?”83

Mordant knelt, “My lord, I explained to them just how angry their father was that they were shirking duties. I thought I was supposed to punish them.”84

“Oh you did? What gave you that idea?”85

“You said to make sure Daone cooperated with me. When I went to her she gave me a corsair schedule to get here.”86

“Well that would make sense, and it really cuts out the middle man, but tell me this. You were working for Zeus right? You were trying to stop people complaining all around about his children not doing their jobs right? What kind of a despotic aristocrat wants to have their children punished for being irresponsible? He might as well just admit that his own children are failures, no offense guys. No. You were supposed to brutalize Daone until she stopped complaining. Good job, you failed Zeus.”87

“I apologize my lord,” Mordant mumbled, not daring to look up at his master.88

“For what? I’m serious. Good job. Zeus still owes me even though he didn’t get what he wanted, his kids got their snobby asses kicked, and I’m not required to give you full payment. On top of all that, I get to laugh about it to myself, because my own sadistic joy is what really matters to me. Oh well. As I said, good job, and good luck getting off the island.”89

With that, Lord Hades vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving Mordant alone with two unconscious gods, and the burning wreckage of a ship.90