Down the Drain; and song fic

"And I'd give up forever to touch you1

'cause I know that you feel me somehow2

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be3

and I don't want to go home right now"4

I sigh happily, leaning back against him. "This is nice." 5

He nods and rests his chin on the top of my head. It's late August and summer is ending. The nights are still warm though and the green grass is still soft beneath us. I don't know how late it is, only that the stars are out above us and the cool night air is refreshing.6

"I don't want this summer to end," I whisper.7

"It has been a good summer," Garrett replies.8

We got together at the end of last year at our grade nine graduation. I had the hugest crush on him all year and we were good friends but I was of course too scared and shy to say ANYTHING. 9

Turns out that he liked me too--funny how that always happens--and the rest of the summer was, as they say, history. It was a great summer though. We went to the fair, and swimming and bike riding together. Then there were the nights like this one where we just sat together watching the stars come out. I am leaning back against Garrett's knees, perfectly content. It's a beautiful night.10

My phone vibrates in my jean pocket and I can tell that my mom's patience has run out. I sigh and roll over onto my stomach. "Time to go in." 11

Garrett nods. "Sure you don't want me to talk to her?" he asks with a grin.12

I roll my eyes and lay my face down on my arms, the sweet smelling grass tickling my nose. "Yeah right," I mumble.13

I feel his kiss on the back of my neck and sigh half from happiness and half regretfully. I roll over so I am looking up at his beloved face with a halo of stars behind him. His light blue eyes twinkle down at me, and his light blond hair tickles my cheeks. I lean up and slowly brush my lips with his upside down. He laughs and kisses me back, deepening the kiss. I close my eyes, savoring the feeling. 14

"And all I can taste is this moment15

and all I can breathe is your life16

and sooner or later it's over17

I just don't want to miss you tonight"18

Our bodies tangle together and we roll on the grass until I get up, laughing breathlessly. My lips feel swollen from his kisses and I sway a little on my feet. "I have to go." 19

Garrett looks up at me with puppy dog eyes, leaning back on his elbows on the grass.20

He is just so damn handsome....21

I sigh and put my hands on my hips. "Don't you dare try that with me," I say sternly. "My mom's gonna be angry enough already."22

He rolls his eyes and, taking me by the hand, pulls me down, kissing me again, once, quickly before letting me go. I fall backwards onto my backside and glare at him through the curtain of my dark brown hair. He grins at me and helps me to my feet. 23

"See you later," I say before he can pull me in for another heady kiss. I quickly run to the gate leading in to my backyard. I look back and he is still standing there, in the field, watching me. I close and lock the gate behind me before running into the house. I Look again and he is still there. I raise a hand and wave before shutting the door. Only when I'm inside does he start his walk home.24

"And I don't want the world to see me25

'cause I don't think that they'd understand26

When everything's made to be broken 27

I just want you to know who I am"28

Garrett looks over at me, motioning with his hand for me to come over. I smile and shake my head. It's a fake smile though. Garrett hasn't...changed exactly, but he's made new and different friends. I feel torn between him and his new ones and my old friends. 29

"Kara aren't you coming to eat?" 30

I turn and smile at Lucy, who called me. "Be right there!" I turn back to Garrett and he isn't even looking at me anymore. He's been like this for a while and I just don't know how much longer I can take it. These new friends, new parties, more time apart....I feel as if he's drifting away from me and if I don't follow I'll lose him. I miss the guy who knew what I was thinking without me having to say anything. Now, when I'm hanging out with him and his friends it's almost like I have to put on a mask and act like someone I'm not. 31

Garrett looks over his shoulder at me, and our eyes meet. I see a flicker of regret pass through his blue eyes. He knows I'm not going to go sit with him. Then, he shrugs and turns away. And with that, my heart breaks. I thought he knew me but he obviously doesn't.32

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming33

or the moment of truth in your life34

When everything feels like the movies35

Yeah you'd bleed just to know your alive" 36

The tears run down my cheeks as I hold the letter in my hand. The messy scrawl all over it clearly identified it as Garrett's. I've only read it once but the words are burned into my mind.37

Kara,38

I'm sorry for all I put you through. You were right and I was wrong. Those people...they weren't good for me. You knew that from the beginning. Kara the biggest mistake I ever made was letting you go. I'm sorry. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and, if you'll let me, I will stay with you forever.39

I love you Kara.40

Garrett41

I scrunch up the paper in my hands and then smooth it out, reading it again. The letter got here a week ago. Garrett died the day before I got it. Died from getting hit by a car leaving his "friend's" house. Died because if he wasn't there, telling those guys to leave him alone, he would have been fine. The drunk driver wouldn't have hit him and Garrett would still be here, with me. 42

I slam my hand down on the table and turn away from the crumpled paper teasing me on the counter. Instead, I pick up the large vegetable knife. I begin chopping veggies to put on our pizza for tonight. The knife keeps slipping though and my tears make it hard to see. The sobs are making my chest heave and shake. As I'm cutting the tomato the knife slips and a gash opens on my palm. I gasp, but it doesn't hurt. I can't feel it. And as I watch I become mesmerized by the blood on my palm. It is bleeding profusely now, droplets sliding down over my fingers and arm. Mechanically, I stick my hand under the faucett and turn the water on. It runs over my palm, washing the blood away. I watch it, unable to look away and think how easy it would be to just...let it bleed. I should be applying pressure to the cut but...I can't. Hynotized by the water and the swirling red, I just keep thinking about letting myself bleed out until there is no blood left in my body. Until my body is cold and stiff on the floor of my kitchen. Until I am with Garrett again.43

"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am "44

I stand in the cold, my warm black coat wrapped around me. The hood is up and my scarf is wrapped close to my face. My arms are crossed and I'm sure my expression is just daring people to come near. I just want to be left alone.
I watch as Garrett's coffin is lowered into the ground and I can't stop the tears from falling. They trickle down my cheeks, down my nose, past my lips....I wipe them away with a hand before they freeze on my face. And as the dirt starts getting piled on, I feel myself weakening.
People are around me, crying, whimpering and bawling their eyes out. Girls from our school are clutching each other and guys are manfully fighting tears. Yet I feel as if I'm alone; as if I'm the only one in the world, at the grave, mourning. Because with each shovelful of earth that covers the coffin, more and more of me gets buried. There are few enough people in the world who understood me and now I am losing one of those who knew me best. "Good-bye Garrett," I whisper, turning away from the people, the grave, and the man I loved. 45

And as I walk I can feel the wind buffetting me, tossing my hair to and fro under my hood. It caresses my cheek and for a moment, I feel Garrett's hand there. I feel his hand on my cheek and his spirit surrounding me. And as I walk I hear words whispered in my ear.46

"I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am."