Glaw

I hate to see you like this… so down, so sad, so quiet. Not quiet all the time, of course, but it’s not so hard to see how your smile fades and your heart aches, as your words falter. I wish you could see that it bites at my heart, tiny fangs to eat away my security and tear into my dreams, bringing black plagued fear. I wish you could see how much it matters to me, every word, every look, every time you turn away. It makes my heart heavy. I’m far too delicate. One sharp sentence, a rough word, even an irritable glance, and I’m in pieces on the floor, shattered as easily as that vase you hate. Only you don’t hate me, and I don’t hate me, and hardly anyone does. I’m your Much… so why can’t I help you? My brain hurts from trying so hard to think what to say, what to do, how to make everything alright. I want you and me and everyone to be ok. I want Luke to be happy again. I want whatever is hurting you to go away and never come back. I want everything for you.1

How do you tell someone how much you love them? I want so badly to protect you, to fight for you, to give you anything you want… it’s so hard to put this into words, to show you I would try my best to understand you, to help you and make you smile. I know you don’t want help. You don’t want weakness. You don’t want me clinging on. But you used to… what’s changed? Was it me? Or was it just… because… because life changes, because people change, because nothing can be forever. Was it just for that? I don’t know anymore. All I know, all I can think, all I can see, is that I want you to be alright, feel alright, and smile because you’re truly happy, not because it’s what we want to see. I wish something or someone could bring that happiness to you, Glaw, because you’re so dear to me it’s like ice inside my heart when you’re sad, like a thousand knives when you hurt, and solid darkness because you can’t talk about it. I hate to think of you locked inside your nightmares, screaming for a release… everything I try, everything I make for you or write for you or draw for you is in the hope that it will ease your pain and make you feel like smiling.2

I don’t know if you’ll read this. I’ll feature it, certainly, and perhaps when you see the title, your name, you’ll open it, but I don’t want my friends to see it. It’s written for you, and for me, to try and make clear to us both what I feel. I’m confused, and my head aches, and I promised I’d go to bed when you did, but I have to think this out. I don’t want to pressure you into telling me anything. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know that whatever it is, whatever you feel like, you can talk to me if you want to. I’m sorry… that sounds so petty and insignificant, especially after everything but… I have to say it. Even if it makes me feel like a fool… I’ll say it for you. I don’t want to drag up the past because I know you don’t like to think of it, but I know you must remember too. You trusted me with your secret, and it remains as such and always will, but there must have been a reason for telling me. I don’t know… perhaps just because I was there. Whatever the reason, I’m involved now, and even if you want to walk away, I’ll stay where you can find me, always. I love you Glaw, whatever pain or hurt comes between us, nothing will ever change it. 3

I still remember I used to put a pillow on the bed beside me so I could hug it and pretend I was hugging away your nightmares. I remember walking to Ulverston that week, just to see you for an hour, and almost passing out from walking far too fast on the road, in case I was late. I remember when you were in the Nurse’s office, and I was standing at the end of the corridor to wait. I had the silver clip Luke made on the flowery book full of Robin Hood stories. I remember twisting it round and round my finger, looking at the marks it made, and being so scared. I nearly fainted with relief when you said you were alright. I remember all that summer, lying out on the field, stroking your hair, and wishing I could stop the nightmares which were hurting you. I remember feeling the tension between you and Ami when you stopped eating, even though I couldn’t hear what was being said, and knowing I had to get you out of there, even if it was just to the library. I remember my birthday party… thinking back to it now makes me want to cry with happiness. See all the beauty and joy you’ve given me? And yet you don’t see why I care… Nothing can ever change these memories, and the memories we’re gaining every day. I can see you’re trying, acting as though nothing is wrong, and if that’s the easiest way for you to bear pain, it’s what I want, but if there’s something… anything… to be done, to make it easier for you, if it’s listening, talking, keeping my distance, being close, covering up for you… I just hope I can do it for you. I hope you will ask. I hope I can be everything you’ve been to me, and maybe help you through all this. I love you. You have Much love forever. <3.