DreamScar1
Chapter 12
An Unexpected Visitor3
Kristi Arlington smeared the grease along the threads of a bolt she was toying with. This was a common subliminal habit that she did while thinking deeply. She spread the grease in and about the sharp grooves with her thumb. She was staring blatantly into the nothingness and beyond, where or what her thoughts were of- well, there would be no use to have them explained to you, for you wouldn’t understand them anyway. Not unless you were a rocket scientist, with an IQ of over 200, and then, it’s still a rather large maybe.4
As you see, Kristi Arlington was of a special kind, unlike the special kind of grapes that your grandmother tells you to pick up from the store, and still much more special than that kind that maybe your parents called you. No, Kristi was much, much more, she really was special. Kristi was a 17 year old girl and she had an IQ of well over 200. She had a clear understanding of things that most adults double her age didn’t, and the way she thought… Well, in the least, it can only be best described by professionals such as her psychiatrist. 5
“She thinks in riddles, or she most certainly speaks in them.” They had all said in the same boring, monotone voice to her parents, acting as if she weren’t seated in the room also, directly in front of them. “She tends to have a greater view of the whole picture, and she can point out the most minute of details. Most people, when they look at a picture, they can only focus on one or two specific areas, but your daughter-...” they would all trail off in awe.6
They weren’t the only ones to think like this either, no; in fact, Kristi had seen several psychiatrists over the years. Not because her parent’s found her hard to deal with, or abnormal. No, Kristi was referred to these places by her teachers. They were worried about her lack of friends, but Kristi didn’t need any friends. She had what she needed, her parents and herself. That was it.7
See, Kristi, she wasn’t how you would expect her to be; no, not at all. Kristi was highly intelligent, yes, but she was so much more. Kristi was extremely pretty. Pretty in the most stereotypical way. She had a full head of long blonde-brown hair, naturally straight white teeth, and the most mischievous set of green eyes most people had ever laid gaze upon. They flashed from a deep green to a soft blue depending on her mood, and they complimented the small splash of light freckles across her face. She was tall for any girl her age, or older for that matter; 6’1”. She had a laugh that could only be described as cute, but that was only when it would be heard, and a charming lullaby of a voice altogether. Although Kristi had all of these great qualities, every great protagonist has their antagonist, and in Kristi’s case, it seemed to be most of the world. 8
Her peers hated her. They hated her because she was different; because she was perfect. They hated their contrast to her. She was better than them at everything. During class she answered every question and she aced every test. When they were young and in PE, or in a youth league sports tournament, she would get every ounce of praise, she beat them all, and it was known that she could do it with one hand tied behind her back. She was faster, smarter, stronger and just so easy to make the scapegoat of all their problems.9
It wasn’t just her peers though. Parents, teachers, principals, all adults seemed to despise her, simply because she was only 17 and still better than them, but she didn’t care. She didn’t need their approval. She had her own. She had her parents. But that hadn’t lasted forever.10
As the cliché story would have it, Kristi’s parents mysteriously disappeared. Actually, it wasn’t really much of a mystery; their car had shown up. The silver Chrysler had been found in the ocean, the official police report had found the brakes failed and her parent’s bodies gone. They had supposedly died in the crash, and with no evidence why they shouldn’t have, the investigation was ceased there. 11
Kristi hadn’t taken it that hard. According to California law, at the mere age of 17, one would be able to live by themselves, and therefore, being a basic adult, Kristi had inherited all of their assets: the house, bank accounts, their SUV, and many other things. She had no close relatives, or distant ones that she had ever known of, and didn’t have to share it. Through all of this, Kristi wasn’t alone, and it may have indeed been a bit harder if Anbo hadn’t shown up precisely at that time.12
Anbo seemed to be the exact opposite of Kristi. He wasn’t attractive, tall, athletic, or intelligent in the least. His voice was one that would remind someone of a train wreck; metal clashing and screeching. He had a solemn and boring pair of eyes that never seemed to smile and he seemed to be uninterested and tired most of the time. He had been left homeless when the orphanage in which he lived had burnt to the ground, so he had then come to Kristi’s county, where he stayed in one of the few orphanages left in the United States, made all the fewer by the fire. 13
They had met when Kristi was on a spontaneous stroll, thinking life through, brooding about her parents. He seemed as if he were waiting for her, sitting on the huge stoop of the orphanage, knees to his chest and staring her down intently. She noticed him easily and had stopped before him. He had made some snide comment to her, and she wittily replied, but obviously, Anbo hadn’t understood this. He stood up and began to walk with her, and that was the beginning of what was to be a very fitted friendship. He spent massive amounts of time at her house sprawled upon the couch while she was at school, and trying uselessly to help her with many of her projects when she wasn’t.14
Kristi always had something to keep her busy, and often times, it wasn’t the school work kind of busy. Kristi never bothered with her school work, she didn’t need to and she knew it. She could have already left school, but needed to stay with it if she ever had any hopes of making it into a college. Often times, before Kristi would be working on a project, she would dream it up during class. She would think a thought and when she would get home, she would draft her ideas. Kristi’s projects went through an extremely lengthy process, from being thought thoughts to being tangible material. First she had to think it, second, she had to draft it, then she had to idealize it, figure what use it would have on society and then decide if it would even be worth doing.15
She would do research online. Hours and hours of reading articles on past experiments by famous scientists, most of which I could barely even spell, much less pronounce for you. She would spend many more hours at the library, and on more than one occasion, had even spent the night at the library, unbeknownst to the librarians. These projects were a huge part of what made Kristi Kristi, and they are a huge thread on which ties our story together.16
Kristi’s thumb pet the bolt for the umpteenth time, when suddenly her eyes unclouded and she muttered her first words in hours:
“Anbo, get over here, I think I have an Idea” She coughed, throat dry from the lack of use over the past hours while she had minded calculations. She sat up off of the wooden crate where she had been perched, dusted her Levi’s off, and clumsily made her way through the clutter of her darkened living room. She must have been sitting there for some time, for last thing she had noticed, the sun was setting, and now, it was extremely dark in her house. She, somehow, in the night’s dark, made it to the wall where she fumbled her hand along trying to find the switch. Her hand alighted on it and she flicked it on, suddenly blinding the room with light from a dusty light fixture on the ceiling. Kristi blinked a few times to let her eyes adjust, and she suddenly saw Anbo standing right in front of her. Due to the proximity of his stance, Kristi Jumped from shock. 17
“Anbo, you have really got to stop sneaking up on me like that.” She said, steadying herself and rubbing her forehead. “How long was I… out?” She asked curiously, referencing to the comatose state to which she had just emerged
“3 hours?” Anbo grunted while turning his back on her and making his way over to the dusty couch again.18
Kristi eyed her living room. The place was a wreck, slowly but surely declining ever since her parents had… died. She looked around at the mess, looking at the coffee table which was covered in sketches, analyses, lab reports, printouts and pieces of other ideas. She looked at the once Emerald green carpet, now covered with the gray of grease smeared into it, permanently staining it to that morbid color. She looked at the piles and piles of scrap metal and tools in one corner of the living room that had once occupied a TV. The TV had been disemboweled and the intestines were now scattered and assembled into various models. 19
Kristi walked over to the project she was working on now, the project that she had spent the most time on compared to the rest. The project she was most proud of. She grabbed onto one of the blue curtains that was jerry rigged onto the monstrosity and she slid it open to look at the readings running across the computer screens. Kristi’s fingers typed furiously at the keyboard, and an angry column of green matrices flowed up its screen. A scowl flashed across Kristi’s pretty face as she typed some more and suddenly she stopped, gazing at the screen mysteriously. She looked at the green flashing symbols-20
ACTIVATE SEQUENCE Y/N?21
“Will it work?” Anbo breathed suddenly over Kristi’s shoulder causing her to jump again.22
“Anbo! God! I said stop that!” She yelled, startled. She sighed and looked at the screen again and, satisfied, climbed up onto a stainless steel plate that she had welded into place the previous day. While thinking, she reached down and opened a chamber in the plate and fiddled with the wires. “Anbo, I think we have it,” She said, sitting back and lying on the metal, relieved. 23
Kristi had been working on this one project much, much longer than she had ever worked on any of her previous projects, and she was much prouder of this than any of the rest. She had told Anbo that, should she get this to work, it would set her off, give her her start, and that it would change the world. It had taken her 3 months to get as far as she had. You may not think of 3 months as a long time in scientific processing, but for Kristi, who worked faster and thought faster than most, this was a very long period of time. 24
She had told Anbo about it and he had smiled a snide grin at her. That was one of the few times she had seen any emotion on his face. He had disbelieved her working towards such a science fiction idea, working towards a teleportation device? That was extremely unlike Kristi. She had always gone for small achievements, been so down-to-earth. To attempt, much less try and create a genuine teleportation device, that idea was mad, especially for a lone 17 year old with no funding and materials from a scrap yard, that idea was even mad for her. But, per chance, should there be any human in the universe, as Anbo knew; who could even have the smallest chance at success, that human would be Kristi Arlington.25
“Just in time,” Kristi said to Anbo with her eyes closed, completely exhausted. Anbo stood over Kristi, looking up at the monstrosity that they had each been tripping over for the past couple of weeks. It had seemed more an idea at first, an impossibility, but as they had assembled it and it got bigger, the idea became idealized, and became more realistic, as if it might come true. He reached his hand up and touched it against the cool metal of one of the many skew rods jutting out of the circular steel plate on the floor. “That guy is coming tomorrow, you know, the Guinea pig?” Kristi asked him, her eyes still closed.26
Anbo nodded quietly, and then grinned, ignoring Kristi’s words, for his own success loomed around him, and he was proud at this fact. It was everywhere around him, casting shadows on the wall, glowing a fluorescent green and giving off occasional beeps that seemed to be its heart monitor showing it lived. True he had done nothing, nothing that is but plant the idea, and give a bit of guidance when it was needed. All this was unknown to Kristi. In her eyes, he just sat back and watched, but that was okay to him, he didn’t need it to be accepted, he knew what had happened and how it had happened. 27
Anbo sat upon the hard cold metal and looked up at the dust floating in the air. Kristi’s living room had slowly been turned into a garage type of setting, and Kristi had no need to be organized so the mess didn’t bother her. She had just let it fall apart as she collected the various metal from here and there, the stubborn appliance from the side of the road. The whole house was like that, not just the living room, but even in the way it was, it was the most home-like environment Anbo had ever been in, and therefore, he never left the place.28
Anbo sighed, for his ‘work’ had exhausted him too. Suddenly, somewhere in the garage, there came a crash, and a loud reverberation of metal. Kristi jumped to her feet at once alert; confused, but alert. Anbo stood up too and, with unspoken agreement, the duo slowly crept through the rest of the darkened house towards the garage to find the cause of the ruckus. They slowly went their way through the paths made through the clutter until they made it to the door that led to the garage.
“On three,” Kristi whispered, eyeing Anbo, grabbing the doorknob and the light switch. “One,” She started, “Two,” she whispered a little louder.29
“Three!” They both yelled in unison, charging through the door and suddenly turning the light on at the same time, which led them face to face with a very confused, very blinded, and very unexpected visitor.
Author notes
So, This is my THIRD remake of DreamScar, and I finally like how it's turning out. My writing skillls have increased quite a bit since I got the original idea, and I really hope to make something of this story now...
I know it starts out REALLY RELALY slow, but please hang with it, it is the first freaking chapter for the love of god.
Tell me how ot fix it, I mean... anything give me a very critical review please, not just a "good write, keep up the good work" those comments suck
no offense...
anyway, love all you guys, Ill keep writing more ^^
-CAM-
In a list
A contest entry
- For Those Wanting to Add That First Trophy to Their Story by Tricia3.
600 points, ended April 12, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Lady Pixie's Ultimate Contest by Lady Pixie.
1500 points, ended April 18, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
How'd you like it? What can I do to the storyline (so far) to improve it? What were the grammatical and spelling and tense errors you found?
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Intelligent!
I think no one would criticize you for the "slow" start. In fact, it takes patience and skill to do that, at least in the way you do it. I don't know how your other versions looked like, but this one seems pretty well. Even though few examples of her genious is given to the reader, it becomes clear she is one. THAT you managed to get through, and I suppose that also was what you tried to do. I think the plot is pretty original and can't help to love the girl. But maybe you could give more meaning to the Anbo-character? He doesn't seem necessary. More like a pet, really.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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I assure you, Anbo does have a purpose, and a very large one at that
I am glad you enjoyed Kristi, and that you enjoyed the start ^^
I am on fall break this week, so expect (if you care) plenty more of work to be done on this this week (this chapter, the next one and the third one alike)
Anywho, thanks for reading, commenting and helping me out!
If you want, I can try to keep you updated?
-CAM-
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I see no way of improving it, other than
continuing with it. You have me hooked. I hope you're working on the next chapter.
This is great.
Trish
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Thanks!
Chapter 2 is up (and has been for a nice bit XD) and I am currently revising and rewriting and over all just writing Chapter 3
Anyway, Thanks for reading! I hope you honeslty enjoyed my heard work and (creative) ideas! looking forward to getting reads from you in the future!
-CAM-
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Thanks for entering the contest This was good. (I know I know.. you said you didn't want to hear all that in the comments lol) but it was... so I'm just being honest
I don't have a lot of suggestions to offer as far as revising that haven't been offered already
P29
Anbo sighed, for his ‘work’ had exhausted him too.
comma before 'too'
Anbo stood up too and, with unspoken agreement, the duo slowly crept through the rest of the darkened house towards the garage to find the cause of the ruckus.
this sentence comes out as a little off... I'm not sure exactly. I would suggest rewording/arranging some words differently. Also, its not necessary, but you can take the s off of 'towards'-- not really necessary, but I've always thought the word 'toward' is enough in itself without that added s. Its unneeded
For example, you could word it like this for smoother flow: Anbo stood up also and with an unspoken agreement, the duo slowly crept through the rest of the darkened house toward the garage to find the cause of the ruckus.
Overall, real intriguing storyline you've begun here. I look forward to seeing where this goes. And thank you once again for entering the contest
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Thankya ^^
It's okay to break the rules every ooooooonce in a while plus, it's fun to hear that you did a great jobe, I just mainly wanted input instead of JUST saying it was good (isn't that what this site is about anyway?)
Anyway, Thanks again ^^
-CAM-
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P4, I think instead of "well, there would be no use" it could be, "well, there wouldn't be any use"... the former sounds just a bit choppier than the latter. I think the last sentence in P4 and the sentence before them could be combined as well, because the last almost sounds like a dependent phrase. Also, "it's still a rather" should be "it was still a rather", because previously you stated "were", and there's some tense confusion there. You could also change "were" to are if you want it presently tensed, because in the next paragraph you begin with, "as you see", which could possibly be changed to, "As you've seen". There's a lot of tense confusion in this chapter, it seems, which even professional writers have trouble with, so don't take it too hard. But you should go through and make sure the tenses match.
The first sentence of P5 confuses me terribly. It could just be me, but... I think, if you want it tensed in the past, it could possibly be, "As you've seen, Kristi Arlington was of a special kind; unlike the special kind of grapes that your grandmother told you to pick up from the store, and still, much more special than what your parents perhaps called you." Or something like that, because you have too many words clustered together and it really gets the reader confused. Like, the basic idea gets across, but... like, it isn't gramatically correct.
Also, I think... Are you trying to personify the narrator by any chance? Kind of like in the Series of Unfortunate Events? It seems you're trying to keep the narrator in the present and the story in the past. If that's the case then... Yeah, that could cause serious tense confusion. Okay, um... I'll just pick up where I left off and talk to you about the tenses later.
I think you should split apart the sentence "No, Kristi was much, much more. She really was special."
Again, more tense confusion at the end of P5, "Well, in the least, it COULD only be best described"
And in P6, perhaps the noun 'monotone' could be changed to an adjective describing the noun following it: 'monotonous'.
P7, "parent's" should be "parents", and maybe the period after 'needed' in the last sentence could be replaced by a colon ( : )
P8, "Pretty in the most stereotypical way." is a sentence fragment and needs to be somehow combined with the first sentence, and a comma between "Straight" and "white". You could also cut out the word "small" before "splash", after having so many adjectives clustered together, and "and they complimented the" could be changed to "complimenting the".
P9, periods in "P.E." because it's an abbreviation, and I do believe "sports" should have an apostrophe and be changed to "sport's", because I think the "tournament" belongs to the sport. That sentence should also be split up, probably after "praise". And a comma between "stronger" and "and".
I also think the second sentence of P10 should be split after "better than them", and the next part could be, "She didn't care, though."
P11, I think "As any cliché story" would sound better than "As the cliché story", but that's only a suggestion.
The comma after "found in the ocean" could be replaced with a period and the next part made its own sentence. The last sentence, also, could be phrased, "Supposedly, they'd died in the crash", because it seems to flow better.
P13, comma after "never seemed to smile".
P14, first sentence, instead of "Kristi was on a" which is worded to sound kind of clumsy, maybe instead, "They had met when Kristi'd taken a spontaneous stroll", and possibly, "thinking life through AND brooding about her parents".
P16, the word "library" used twice in the same sentence makes it sound rushed and choppy. Perhaps instead have the sentence end with, "had even spent the night there, unbeknownst..." and the last sentence, I'm assuming is the author in the present tense?
P17, the I in 'idea' needs to be lowercase, and there needs to be a period after it. Also, perhaps instead of "light fixture" just "fixture", unless you want to change the previous word "light" at the beginning, "room with light from a" to a different word.
Can you tell I'm getting tired?
I think I'll stop there for the night and pick back up later. x.x I'll finish this chapter and chapter two later.
Love ya baby, you already know how great this is, please please please keep it up!
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Baby... I was going back to look at all these and... you put more work into this than I did... and I dont think I ever thanked you sweetie.... so... a very late thank you Mick
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This is pretty interesting so far Cam. I don't see any spelling or grammar problems. The only thing I see that you should do is separate the paragraphs to make it a bit easier to read. ^^ Great story.
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Thank you Ruffles ^^
And I fixed the paragraphs too!
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YOU ASSHOLE
YOU CUT OFF AT THE WORSE PART
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
I love this and I love Kristi and Anbo is a funny character and a nice touch.
I'll go back and point out stuff later, 'cause I didn't feel like looking for them right now.
Pinky-promise. -
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I love me some cliff hangers ^^
ANNNNND as an added bonus, I do them lots, and really well!
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Enjoyed it and would love to read more... I didn't think the beginging was to slow.. You set it up very well, however I would also like to see a little more about Anbos' character.. Maybe not in this chapter.. Might give to much info for the readers to digest, but soon.. And who is the unsuspected guest? Can't wait to find out.. Great Job .
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Chapter 2 is up! (it has been for a while =/)
Anyway, Anbo's character get's more developed later on, I swear ^^ He is a VERY important main character..... But that's all I can say without spoiling it XD
THANKS FOR THE READ!
-CAMO-
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The only problem I could really find is that there wasn't really enough description. That and maybe you should talk about Anbo's character a little more and the construction of the teleportation machine. Otherwise, this was pretty good. I am looking forward to the rest of it... I want to know who the "unexpected visitor" is.
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Chapter 2 is up! the 'Unexpected Visitor' is revealed there ^^
And yes, I know... I always have problems with details.... But I am working on it and Chapter 2 (in my oppinion) has quite a bit more detail)
Thank you for reading DreamScar and, I hope you enjoy everything I hope to be adding to it!
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Awesome
This is incredible.
I think the story line was perfect.
I didn't notice any errors, one thing though you
should intent some of the paragraphs or skip a line to serperate.
I was so intrigued by the visitor, I sure hope there is
more for me to read.
Great chapter!
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Chapter 2 will tell alot more about the visitor and continues the story (obviously)
Thank you for reading me and just... Thanks ^^
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Oops! Forgot your clappies!
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CLAPPIES!
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I really did LOVE this Cameron. Your writing is getting so much better-- I can admit this REALLY impressed me. Usually you make a lot more punctuation mistakes or little mechianical errors, but your writing is always excellent. This flows wonderfully. I love the characters and the contrast between Kristi and Anbo. It actually hooked me from the beginning. I really wanted to learn more about Kristi.
Keep writing this, I wanna know what happens!
And since you wanted me to, here's the insignificant and hardly noticable mechanical errors. There actually aren't many, which is why I bothered enough to point them out. I had to go back and read it a second time to catch them, though. I wasn't paying attention the first time through. xD Really wonderful though.
The opening paragraph could be split into two seperate paragraphs Parent's should be parents, no apostrophe.
P6, last line, "That's all" should be tensed in the past like the rest of the story. "That was all."
P7 perhaps "natural straight white teeth" should be 'naturally', and "most the world" could possibly be "most of the world." Replace the comma after "everything" in P8 with a period, and remove the comma after "during class" and "every question" -- they're unnecessary.
Delete the word "was" from P9 after "17 and", it makes it flow smoother.
P10, again, parent's should be 'parents' without an apostrophe. After "much of a mystery", perhaps replace the comma with a semicolon, and after "their assets", replace the comma with perhaps a dash or colon.
The second sentence in P11 could possibly be, "He was neither attractive, not tall, nor was he athletic." and the last sentence sounds a little choppy. ... Maybe it could be... I don't know, "He had come into town when an orphanage in a more northern county had burnt to the ground and moved into an orphanage in Kristi’s county. It was one of the few left in the United States, made even fewer after the fire."
And a period at the end of the last sentence. -
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Thanks again for all your hardwork baby... I love you so much....
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