I don't know how I got here. It is dark. The only light that is shed is revealed from a small window high up on the wall, it is sprinkling moon beams onto a dirty concrete floor. I am scared. I am only eight years old and the only time I have ever been away from my mum is when I went to stay with Nana, but this isn't Nana's house. The last thing I remember was trying to fetch my ball out of the creek after it had rolled down the steep embankment and bounced into the stream. 1
Staring up at the moon-lit window I decide it is my only way out. I was too scared of who may be on the other side of the door to the house, so I opted for the less risky option. As I walked warily toward the window, something in the shadows caught my eye. Moon-beams dripped lightly on to what looked very muck like a hand. A closer look revealed it was actually a small hand. And the hand that reached into the moonlight couldn't have been much bigger than my own. 2
A girl lay in the shadows she must have been sleeping or unconscious as she didn't respond to my whispered "Hello". Dark hair that covered her face as she lay on her stomach. I felt sorry for her as her bruising and scratches were so serious I could see them in the dark.3
I lent down to wake her but before I had a chance, the door at the top of the stairs flung open and then the stutter of fluorescent light. The flashes revealed a basement and a sturdy looking man at the top of the stairs and quickly I looked for a hiding spot. A large cardboard box, underneath the window and I dived for it.4
I was sure he would have seen me, such sudden movement, the lights, but the man only took something from the basement and returned up the stairs. I couldn't understand it, but didn't ponder too long, just in-case such wonderful luck would expire. 5
At this stage I figured that this was life or death, I had never seen the man before and had been warned of the evils of strangers. I would have to leave the girl behind I had to look out for number one, so I climbed on top of the box and went to try the window. But to my dismay a small padlock hang in the corner of the frame, locking it shut.6
New plan. Now it was obvious that getting out was not going to be easy and I could do with any help I could get. I decided to try waking the other girl again. I sat down beside her and grabbed for her shirt to witch I had planned to tug, but something odd struck me. This was the same shirt that I now wear. (Panic.) I looked at her hair again, just like mine, skirt, the same, shoes, socks, the same, the same. I rolled the girl over. I had to know for sure if maybe it was just my over-active imagination taunting me. As I turned her, her tangled hair swept from her face. Right then my fears were confirmed as the parting hair revealed my own dead eyes, as they stared blankly back at me.7
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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It's really creepy, i like the ending, her eyes staring back at her, but what i would like to know is how did she die? what happened? there's a huge part of the story missing, as if i don't know enough about the girl or situation to care, i'm sorry if i'm being harsh, i love the use of vocabulary, and your wording is amazing, keep it up!!
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I think this was great, I wasn't expecting the ending .. and it's creepy .. thankyou so much for entering and I wish you the best of luck in the contest ...... keep the ink flowing
~Aimee
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great job! this is really interesting and looks like there is gonna be another part to it. is there? there were no mistakes that i saw but it could have been worded better.
lilac
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really great write. I loved how you worded it and it had a really creepy ending. nice story
-sarah
good luck in the contest -
Thanks for your advice i don't usually write short stories but this plot just came to me so I decided to write it down. At least now I can improve.
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In the opening sentence there is a bit of repeated grammer "... It is dark the only light that is shed ..." I think this would flow better as "...It is dark, the only light shed there ..." [ohh I also added a missing coma after "dark".
In the 2nd stanza, the usage of ellipses (...) is often considered a sign of an inexperienced writer. ellipses... can basically ... be added... anywhere as you can see. I suggest avoiding them if you can manage another way to express the same information...
(... see?)
Since you didn't use them anywhere else it probably is ok. But they are addictive.
I think "Dark hair that covered her face as she lay on her stomach, I felt sorry for her as her bruising and scratches were so serious I could see them in the dark." is a run-on sentence.
I think it should be "Dark hair that covered her [tiny] face as she lay on her stomach; I felt sorry for her as her bruising and scratches were so serious I could see them [even] in the dark."
I took the liberty of suggesting 2 spots for extra words which may add or modify the interest in that sentence.
Hey I really loved the ending of this story. Very cool.
But the language used suggests to me that the girl is a teenager. It would not really change the story at all, to make her at least 12. But I dont know if 8 year old girls would say "I sourced a hiding spot". Then again... what would I know?
Great ending. It took me completely by suprise.
I thought of a sightly different last line.. I dont know if you like it but.. what if you replaced "it revealed my own dead eyes staring blankly back at me."
with "it revealed her cold dead eyes staring blankly back at me. They were my own." (whatever... just thought to delay the moment of confirmation until absolutely the last possible moment.)
Regards
David
Edited on Jul 02, 11:29 p.m. because 'typo'. -
PERFECTLY AWSOMELY GREAT
WHOA. this poem... wow. so awesome, its like a page turner, without more pages. i love it. I wish i was coul;d dot hat. The end really made me think. It was so cool. -
Nice.
Short and sweet (If horror can be deemed such...)
Simply told and very effective- no extraneous details or meanderings. I enjoyed this very much.
-Ceilinh -
Pretty well written, but I knew where you were going too soon. I always thought playing ball was to hazardous. Good luck in the contest. If they allow prewrites, I may try to enter one.
Andy -
ok that was just plain creepyness. I like it. Haven't read creepyness very much lately. not since i read ther last Laurell K hamilton book and haven't gotten the next. I love it keep it up!
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Very good job here. I noticed a few typos, like you wrote 'am' twice. I think you meant 'which' when you wrote 'witch'. I'm not sure, just noticed it.
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Wow...i really like it...especially the ending!
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wow. i so didn't expect that ending! That was a very good story, i was interested throughout it. to be a short piece it was very powerful. thanks for entering and good luck! Jinx
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