My last day on earth.

I’m sure most people would ramble on about making sure their parents know they love them, and spend their hours crying in pointless sentimentalism, or go fly a kite, or God knows what awe-inspiring thing that would make a good plot in one of those heart-wrenching, box-office hit comedies, with ‘will change your life!’ as the main critic response. But no.1

If I found out I’d die tomorrow, the first thing I’d feel would probably be a very long bout of extreme enragement. Not so much because I have no more days left to spend agonizing on this planet, but because I wasted the better part of my life studying for a future I thought I was destined for. Take into consideration that I’ve limited my possibility of life experience and happiness, I’ve given up reckless abandon, with MUCH melancholy and outright depression on the part of yours truly, JUST so that one day, one day somewhere in the future I thought I would have, I wouldn’t feel like a complete failure, maybe serving double cheeseburgers, asking ‘do you want fries with that?’ until I dream of it, I see it around every corner, and my brain starts putting the phrase in repeat. 2

And now, guess what? It’s totally worthless. Meaning that storing pointless bits of data in my head, including two dead languages and a through knowledge of Psychoanalysis, now seem like the stupidest idea I’ve ever had. Why didn’t I fill my head with drunken stupor and wild parties? 3

Who knew I’d ever get so pissed at culture? I’d probably inaugurate the day by burning every book I own, dancing like a savage around the bonfire, and then, if I managed to avoid police, I’d run, completely naked, to the nearest bookstore, and burn every motherfucking book in there. EVERY ONE. Because I just know I’d be in this sort of liberated frenzy, fueled by adrenaline and deranged anger, and I would for once, for the first time, actually feel free, knowing nothing I could ever do could ever destroy the future I so desperately wanted. 4

If I manage to somehow not get put in jail after this stunt, I plan on going to one of my best friends, who I’ve been madly in love with for years, after having wasted my time wishing and hoping in complete futility for an ETERNITY, and just finally fuck her brains out. Of course, not before having ingested massive doses of Ecstasy, and having spiritually prepared myself to have the best possible sex on planet earth. I’d then probably ingest more Ecstasy, purposefully, so that for once, just for once, I could take control of my life, and decide the only thing we really have any say in: whether we live or die. 5

Because oh no! I would not let death finally take that last chance to mock all of my hard-earned achievements by proving, once and for all, that all we do is meaningless. Oh no. That fucker better run for his money, because my last moment on this earth will be in a completely exhilarated, chemically-induced frenzy, and I guess that’s my way to give tribute to my own lack of voice and importance. So fuck everything. If I was to die tomorrow, I’d make sure I’d light myself on fire far before Death had a chance to come and forcefully take me away. 6