The market in front of the Indian Institute of Technology was bustling with the sounds of college goers and mad shoppers.To add to the auditory dilemma were the honking cars shuttling on the main road.1
It was the 21st of May, the day I was born.But the happening that made this day truly memorable was our very last meeting.2
The day you confessed your love for me.But on this day a year ago, I never knew that life would take a sharp twist and destiny would snatch you away from me.3
I was there in the same place again.The place where we had met for the very first time.The trip to this place was made in commemoration of this memorable moment,something that was etched in my mind,like the carvings on an archaic stone tablet.4
I parked my car in one corner of the market and plodded towards the entrance. Strangely I was not able to walk.Every step I took ensued me with your memories. 5
The wonderful moments of our innocent love were reiterating in my mind like an old Shakespearean saga.6
I trudged ahead and reached the steps of the coffee house, the place where we shared our first cup of coffee on that cold winter evening in February.7
Everything in this place was the same,unchanged and unmoved.The wooden chairs were placed in the same position adorned in black upholstery and the huge tables accompanying them with the menu cards perched on top. The place was done in alternating lights of orange and yellow colours with the counter being brightly lit.8
The air around me was impregnated with the strong smell of the coffee and the chocolate sundae. Everything was just the same,with no changes at all,except for our love which was reduced to a redolent moment by time or perhaps by the Almighty.9
I comfortably seated myself on the same chair where you sat a year ago.Ironically, I remembered the exact positioning of that table, the second from the glass window. I ordered a cold coffee and positioned myself on the same chair again.10
I remember that one particular moment when you slowly brought your hands to the centre of the table and entwined your fingers with mine.I was blushing with love and was not able to look into your eyes.
But yes I clearly remember,I had clutched your hands very tightly,so as not to make you feel embarassed at your move.11
My order was placed on the table.I was indifferent to the idea of enjoying a coffee on that day as my loneliness was making me insane.12
Why did you have to leave me in the middle of the road? 13
Why did you have to undo the love that you gave me?14
Why couldn't you trust me and give me a last chance?Why couldn't we forgive each other?15
These questions were enshrouding my mind like a pall of death.16
Indeed I had lost everything,due to my childish fears.17
18
I paid the bill and walked out of the coffee house to the other side of the road.19
I plodded heavily towards the dingy subway,the place we had met and stolen our very first kiss.20
The begrimed and shabbily lit subway was teeming with college students and office goers crossing the road and making use of the subway.
The site of dust particles irked me for a moment ,but I decided to station myself in the other corner of the passage.21
The air around me was filled with a bouquet of memories that reechoed our togetherness,our love.The very first time we coiled lovingly into each other's arms and the very first kiss,nectared in longing. Every moment replayed in my mind like a movie.22
I closed my eyes and beeseched to God.23
I murmured " Oh God.I need to keep these memories alive in me.Thanks for gifting them to me.Amen. "
Author notes
For storywrite's choice
Age over 18
A contest entry
- Your favorite place by Lady-Jane.
325 points, ended April 13, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best of The Best *Romance* April Awards by Missi.
430 points, ended May 28, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Story Time by tj-is-back.
175 points, ended August 14, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I enjoyed reading the character's trip down memory lane. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to the feelings where everything around us seems to remind us of an ex once the relationship is over. Grammatically the only thing I wanted to point out was that after each full stop or comma there should be a space and you sometimes forget to do this. The story itself was an enjoyable read, thanks for entering my contest and good luck
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did you pick a person to partner with for the contest? please leave a comment on the contest page.
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Feelings are sometimes hard to convey and harder still not making them sound trite and overwrought.
The title is a giveaway but, not too much so.
It's a good story that would read better if the tone used was lightened and the words were different, that is not to say that it reads bad or anything like that.
I don't know how old the narrator is but, seems very young and seems also to have a difficult time in describing his/her feelings.
Overall a good story and a nice read, I would work on the words used though to not lead the reader into confusion.
The whole story was a bit vague, so I would work at correcting that. This reads like a letter that should have been written in that form but, hey--it is your story after all.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A NECESSARY COMMENT?
This, of course, is up to you. But my overall feeling, us somewhat complex and perhaps a bit dificult to convey to you...simply, because YOU are the author here. Simply stated, however, you are becoming a little too carried away by your own sense of drama. Subsequently, the piece becomes a little soppy and melodramatic. First, let me advise you NOT to use the overused and becoming quite cliche...(certainly NOT in a title) TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE. This is getting really overdone and banal. Be more original. Second...be careful about the WORDS you use. Make sure they are appropriate and CORRECT. Words like: "auditory DILEMMA" (what is THAT? You probably meant something more to "cocophony") words like like "reiterated" instead of echoed, or repeated seem somewhat pretentious and contrived. An "iteration" is more a technical word...a computatioal repitition of a series of steps. "plodded" and "trudged" seemed a little heavy...altho this may well have been what you wished. I felt it was a bit much...less delicate that I thought might have better fit the mood.
Try not to repeat words like "memorable" and "moment." You must have used those words many, many times (at least ten times!). You used "positioning" and "table" too many times...too close together. And keep away from cliches like: "ETCHED in my mind" or "STOLEN kiss" or overly dramatic phrases like "the air was IMPREGNATED" Could you better have meant "redolent" with those scents?
Read this aloud...step back. Be less lovesick. You know?
And next time, MOST IMPORTANT... You MUST tell the reader more about your CHARACTERS...so that they care...so that they have a stake in what happened. Was it justified? Was someone REMISS? WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE? You have not done this. And, in fact, it IS only a trip...down YOUR memory bank! It is NOT a story...there IS no conflict...NO THEME!
GA -
God, how sad. I know how this one goes...
Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 9/10
Flow: 10/10
Uniqueness: 3/5
Readability: 7/7
Effect: 9/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 4/5
Total: 45/50 -
This was a good story. I liked that you showed emotion and reaction towards the place the two first met at. The descriptions were very strong, as was the characterization. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
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cute though, I think you should add a bit more
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I loved the desciption. It was touching and amazingly sad and romantic.
Well done.
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Very touching. Wonderful job =)
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I liked this story, but some parts left me a bit confused. Please keep writing!!
Thanks for entering and goodluck!
-Carina -
Very descriptive.
This story was very descriptive. I loved how you explained things, very good imagery. There are some mistakes, listen to the previous comment that people have made and you should be good. Anyways, best of luck in my contest. -
I liked the description, it was very good. It didn't keep me exactly hooked, as i have low attention spam . But nevertheless, it was a beautiful story, i really love the last paragraph. Thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck
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Its pretty good in description, but not very interesting to me. But, what do you expect from a 13-year-old? Anyways, I did like the flow of it and how you explaine things... (I promise I wont ramble). Overall, it was a very good read and deserves some clappys!
-Vio
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comment from judge of make it sparkle
very good, you were very descriptive! -
Good story, good plot and good imagery. Very discriptive. I like it a lot.
I noticed a lot of typos/mistakes. You might want to go through and take a look. There were a lot of places that need a space between sentances of after commas.
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There needs to be a space between periods/commas and the next word. This issue is proven prevalent throughout the whole piece, except in one place where you have a space after a word, then the comma and the next word. "moment ,but"
Other than your spacing problem (I'm sorry, I get really picky about this kind of thing... It's one of my OCDs...), this is pretty nice, well written, good imagery. Pretty real too.
Nice job. -
Smile. I liked. Good imagery. I got a bit confused in between, but then it set the scene again.
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Very good! Nice imagery.
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