Pray

Sooo I just need some prayers. Not for me. For my grandmother. She's sick and in the hospital. And in Edmonton. And I can't go. I mean not that I can afford to miss the school to go to her. But that doesn't alleviate my wanting to go. 1

I just need to hope that she'll be okay. There's really nothing I could do anyway so there's no point in me going. 2

My dad is going soon. I don't know how long he'll be gone. What if she dies? 3

It's just...hard. She is a big part of my life even though I don't see her that much. I mean it's different not seeing someone because you don't live near them and not seeing someone because they're not...there. Though I guess you could say that you don't exactly live near the dead either so it's no excuse. Haha. Not. Bad humour. 4

I can't really let myself think about it or else I might cry. And I can't cry. Or I don't want to. Because in all reality, she's just in the hospital. Right? I mean people go into the hospital all the time. They come out. Most aren't 87 years old but still. She's in the hospital. She's been in and out of the hospital before. She'll get through this. 5

Not that I didn't know it was coming. She's old. And losing it. If it comes to it, my dad and my uncle decided she's not going to have surgery. Well not for the thing they think she has which isn't even confirmed yet. 6

I knew something was up when my uncle called and my dad took it in the other room. And then I heard some of the stuff and I knew. It's hard not to. 7

She's dying. They are pretty sure about what she has. The surgery is worse than the cure. So that's it. That's the end. I mean she might make a recovery. But I don't think so. If she was just...sick and it wasn't serious I don't think my dad would go. 8

There's no point crying. Not yet. I hate when people cry for no reason. I hate it! When they cry because they feel they have to or it's the right thing to do. I just can't stand that. 9

And when my mom tells me not to tell my sisters something (like this) and then SHE GOES AND TELLS THEM. THE WHOLE POINT WAS NOT TO TELL THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. She's done that before. And it just drives me nuts. Because they get all upset for no reason. Well...for a reason I guess. But yeah. 10

I don't know. I just don't know. What if she dies. I know it seems bad but I'm thinking about school and the play and badminton and EVERYTHING. Because shiva and the funeral will probably be in Edmonton. The only reason we're not all going is probably because we're older now and school/grades means more. For me at least. I was actually thinking that! Is that selfish? That I'm thinking about what will happen to MY life if she dies? Although I guess I can't think about her life. 11

I'm kind of worried about my dad though. I wish I was going with him. I wish SOMEONE was going with him. Even though the only person I would want to go with him is my mom or me. I wish I could drive! He's still getting over bells palsy and the roads are slippery and it's dark. Funny how much easier it is to imagine something horrible happening than face what actually is, huh? I don't know how I could live with it if something happened to him and then to her. How ironic would that be? He's going to be with her on her (G-d forbid) deathbed and he gets into an accident on the way there. 12

NO! I CANNOT BE THINKING LIKE THAT. I CANNOT. IT IS NOT AN OPTION. 13

I think I just need to stop writing otherwise I will go on and on and in circles.14

Pray for her. And my dad. And maybe me.15