Maybe

It’s another day, much like everyday these last few (weeks/months/years) days. I rise early, still tired from lack of sleep. Insomnia. I haven’t suffered from it recently, I’ve been too exhausted from all the hours I’m putting in at work, but there are still other distractions that keep me awake; the boy, who makes me smile one second and annoys me the next, the lump on my breast and the helpless situation I currently find myself in.1

I want out. I need to leave this wretched country. Although beautiful, there is no opportunity for me here. My uncle seems to think I can make it as a businesswoman. I closed a very important deal for him the other day. But do I really want to spend my life working in a concrete factory? Living at home with a Mum that I find myself fighting with lately, my younger brother and a sister who despises me as of late. 2

I’m not sure what went wrong. When did things change for the worse? I really only have one true friend these days, Ema. Oh Ema, can’t we just run away together? Let’s go to Italy like we’ve been talking. I need to get out of here.3

It’s always a surprise if I will have warm water to wash my face with in the morning, or water at all for that matter. The provider is new and so far not very reliable, same with the phone service. How I want to leave this country. I know I will miss Mum and my brother, Ema and her little sister, and yes even my own sister, but I need to go somewhere where there is more opportunities for me. 4

Nothing in life is forever. Nothing is certain. I wish sometimes that things were better. I have so much love to give, but am afraid to open myself up too much to anyone, especially to the boy. I don’t want to get hurt again.5

I want to be a Mum.6

I want to be loved.7

The boy gave me a riddle last night, and I haven’t been able to figure it out. He can be so confusing sometimes, one second sweet and goofy, the next pervy and annoying. But still I find myself thinking about him more and more everyday. He doesn’t understand my situation at all. He’s living in a fantasy world. It’s hard to take him serious, but I still want to be in his arms. I want to feel his kisses. I think I’m falling for him.8

I’m trying to be quiet, slinking around the house not wanting to wake anyone. I have to get to work, another day talking with clients on the phone, another soul killing day, where apparently I am very good at what I do. I think it has a lot to do with my voice. I can melt stone with my voice. This realization doesn’t make the 11 hours go by any quicker. 9

I worry about my health. I have been having stomach pains recently. I have the lump on my breast to worry about. Too many people around me have died from cancer, like Dad. I miss him so much. It’s weird; sometimes it is easy to think he may just be away, back in Israel working and sending money home. He was gone for so long, and well now he is just gone. Forever.10

There is only one thing that is certain in life. One thing that is forever. Death. The end of life. Something I can’t help but thinking about. I’ve been thinking of suicide lately.11

The water for my tea begins boiling over. I’m deciding between green tea, so good for the skin, or…12

“Simona dear?”13

Mum’s sleepy voice behind me makes me gasp and causes me to jump as I spin wide-eyed with a hand to my throat.14

“Mum, don’t do that!”15

Daylight is just creeping in through the kitchen window so I can see the dark circles under Mum’s eyes. Has she slept at all? 16

“I wanted to make sure you got up on time. I wasn’t sure if you set your alarm clock ahead.”17

The time recently changed – daylight savings – which makes me think of the boy. Seven hours now separate us instead of six.18

“Yes Mum, gosh” I say and can’t help but roll my eyes.19

Mum offers to make me breakfast, normally I would tell her to just go back to sleep, but I can see that she has been up worrying. I think she is worrying about me. About the lump on my breast. About the results that have yet to come back. It makes me feel good in a strange way that I am not the only one losing sleep over it.20

As I’m brushing my hair, getting myself ready for the day, my thoughts go to the boy, which then go to his riddle. I didn’t want the answer, and well I thought I would be able to forget about the stupid riddle but here I am thinking about it again.21

A man goes home, opens the front door and goes up and up and up the stairs.
After dinner he turns out the light and goes to bed.
In the morning he listens to the radio and hears two ships crashed and 200 people died.
After hearing the news the man commits suicide.
Why did the man kill himself?22

I pride myself on my ability to solve riddles. This one has got me stumped. I hate it. And I hate the people who tell me those riddles. Maybe it’s a language barrier thing. The boy doesn’t always understand that my first language is not English. I doubt he will ever tell me the answer. He seems to be scared of getting me mad. And I know I will never ask him out right what the answer is. It’s a pride thing. Maybe it will come to me.23

Did he know people who died on one of the ships? No.24

Mum had made me my favourite, chocolate pancakes. I’d normally feel excited, and I pretend I am, but in reality my stomach does a little flip. I spent the day yesterday eating chocolate, cakes and cupcakes, until I made myself sick. I contemplated forcing myself to throw-up but in the end I didn’t do it. I’m glad Mum shuffled off to bed to leave me alone to eat my breakfast, I hate to waste food, but I can’t eat this pancake today. 25

The important information is in the first two lines of the riddle.26

Well duh!27

I decide to wrap the pancake up and sneak it out of the house; maybe one of the drivers will like it as a snack.28

It’s time to go to work. Time to face the day. Time once again for another 11 soul killing hours of phone calls.29

Maybe my cousin and I will close another big deal.30

Maybe I will make more money for my Uncle’s company.31

Maybe I can earn some vacation time.32

Maybe I can spend my vacation holding the boy’s hand while we walk along the shore.33

Maybe I won’t get hurt this time.34

Maybe I will figure out this stupid riddle.35

Maybe…36