1
NOTE: This play contains adult jokes. If you are not comfortable with reading them, please do not continue. I do not condone the use of any of the 'jokes' in this play, they are written to realistically portray the people I wrote about and give it the impact required for the story to work.2
12 adults, all of the Trailer Trash persuasion sit on plastic chairs in a school hall. One stands and walks to the front. He is your typical Telly Evangelist type person.3
GERRY4
Hello everyone, my name is Gerry, welcome to GutterBrains Anonymous’ seventh meeting. As most of you are aware, we are a new group that’s main focus is helping people fish their minds from the dreaded Gutter of Depravity. I’m happy to say I can see a few new faces in the crowd, as well as some familiar ones. Good to have you all here. 5
GERRY looks around the crowd, seeing someone in the second row whom he recognises he points to him. 6
GERRY7
Charles, would like to come up and give us an update on how you’ve been?8
CHARLES nods, and, standing, walks up front. GERRY returns to his seat in the front row.9
CHARLES10
Hello everyone, my name is Charles-11
CROWD 12
Hello Charles13
CHARLES14
I haven’t made a dirty joke or a sick comment in three weeks! 15
CROWD16
Very good, Charles! 17
CHARLES grins toothily at the crowd of smiling faces. 18
GERRY19
Why don’t you tell us a bit about your history, Charles. Some of the newcomers would enjoy your encouraging tale. 20
A few heads nod in the crowd, and a couple of people murmur agreement. 21
CHARLES22
Well, I let my brain fall into the gutter five years ago-23
CROWD24
That’s awful, Charles!25
CHARLES26
I dabbled in bad jokes, dodgy body language, po- well, I had my finger in it all!27
CROWD gasp in unison. 28
CHARLES29
But, four weeks ago I found this group. They helped me see the error of my ways! 30
GERRY31
(Nods slowly, a look of deep understanding on his face)32
We try, we try.33
CHARLES34
(Looks at GERRY and smiles gratefully)35
I owe a lot to these guys, and my cats, my cats helped keep me distracted. If not for them and everyone here, I’d doubtless still be on IRC joining in all the bad conversations on there. 36
CROWD shake their heads sadly. 37
CHARLES 38
But enough about me, I think it’s time a new member came up, what say you, Gerry? 39
GERRY stands up and turns to the CROWD. 40
GERRY41
I think Charles is exactly right. Someone new want to come up and share their tale of woe? 42
GERRY and CHARLES look around the CROWD, seeing who will be the first to volunteer. 43
From the back row a tentative hand is raised. 44
GERRY spots it. 45
GERRY46
You there! Come on up! Share your story! Don’t be shy. 47
The figure stands and walks nervously up to the front. CHARLES smiles kindly at him and returns to his seat. 48
ERIC49
Hello everyone. My name is Eric. 50
CROWD51
Hello Eric. 52
ERIC53
(Coughs uncomfortably before continuing)54
I’m, er, new here. My first visit in fact. 55
CROWD56
Great of you to come, Eric. 57
ERIC58
Heh, yeah… um… I haven’t, ya know, been out of the gutter for long…59
CROWD60
That’s sad, Eric. 61
ERIC62
(Licks his lips and starts twisting his hands together)63
Um, yea… in fact… I was in the gutter before I got in here.64
CROWD gasps.65
CROWD66
That’s awful, Eric!67
ERIC68
(Winces and nods)69
I know, I know. I try not to! But it just creeps up on me! Like, like-70
GERRY71
Like a ghost in the night. Silently it finds you, and next thing you know it’s smothered you in crap. Yes, Eric, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there. 72
CROWD nods in agreement, more murmurs run through them. 73
ERIC74
(Frowns)75
No. No, nothing like that. More like, a naked woman sneaking through the apartment and next thing you know she’s all over you. 76
CROWD gasp and collective comments of, ‘he shouldn’t be here!’ ‘That’s dirty!’ ‘Heh, he’s classic.’ ‘Bloody gutterbrains…’ 77
GERRY78
(Stands and starts yelling)79
Order! Everyone, order! 80
Everyone calms down… slowly… 81
GERRY82
(Continues quietly)83
Eric, obviously you have a lot to learn. It’s a good thing you came to us. You are clearly on a very steep slope, much more of this and it’d be too late, even for us to help! 84
ERIC85
(Shakes his head)86
I think I’ve come to the wrong place… 87
GERRY88
No, Eric, you’ve come to the right place, and, as I said, just in time! Please, take a seat, we’ll come back to you later. When everyone has calmed down. 89
ERIC90
But I don’t want to sit down, I haven’t finished telling my story yet! 91
GERRY walks over to ERIC and, taking him by the arm, guides him back to his chair. Leaning close to him GERRY whispers in his ear.92
GERRY93
No, I think you’ve had enough for now. People need to calm down a bit. 94
ERIC glares at GERRY and gives him the finger.95
ERIC96
(Hisses reply)97
Screw you.98
GERRY gives ERIC one of those ‘if looks could kill’ glares, turns, and stalks back up front. 99
GERRY100
I’m sorry about that people. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to break such nasty habits…101
(Pointedly ignores the two middle fingers sticking up in the back row)102
Would someone else like to come up? How about our oldest member? Wendy, would you please come up? 103
WENDY stands and walks to the front. GERRY returns yet again to his seat. 104
WENDY 105
Hello everyone, my name is Wendy, and I’m proud to say I haven’t touched the gutter for almost two months! 106
ERIC107
Ohhhh, touched it, eh? Where did you touch it last? 108
Another collective gasp from the CROWD, and a few titters of laughter. 109
WENDY110
(Looks embarrassed)111
How dare you! We’re supposed to be supportive and nurturing here!112
ERIC 113
(Gives WENDY a sly wink before continuing smoothly)114
I have something that needs supporting, and I’d never say no to a bit of ‘nurturing’. 115
GERRY spins to face the offending ERIC.116
GERRY117
(Snaps)118
How dare you speak to a lady like that! I have a good mind to take you outside and smack you one upside the head! 119
ERIC120
Ohh, spanking now is it? Not my usual cuppa tea, but I’ll try anything. 121
WENDY122
(Is almost in tears)123
Why? Why are you being like this? You were so nice when you first came in! 124
ERIC 125
Because I thought it’d be nice to take my brain out of the gutter for a change. But then I realised, everyone here is soft! 126
A VOICE FROM THE CROWD MUTTERING127
Well, technically we’re all probably soft at the moment… 128
ERIC. 129
(Grins)130
Exactly! You’re all going soft and need some hardening. And I have just the thing! 131
CROWD132
Nooooooooo!133
ERIC134
Yeeesss! It’s… hodown Time!135
CROWD goes silent. 136
GERRY137
Wait… what? A hoedown? How’s that gonna harden anything? 138
ERIC139
Hah! Not a ho-e-down, a hodown. 140
ERIC waits for this to sink in… it sinks in and there is a round of ‘Ooooos.’ 141
WENDY142
How the hel… heck does a hodown work? 143
ERIC144
(Gives WENDY another wink)145
Low down.146
A few scattered and embarrassed laughs from the CROWD. 147
ERIC148
Ah-hah! See? You all find it funny, you know why? I’ll tell you, deep down, you’re all just gutter brains. Really, you are. You’ll never be anything other! And this proves it, a few simple, crass jokes and you’re laughing! 149
GERRY150
Eric, stop this now! You don’t belong here, you don’t understand what we’re trying to do. Go back to the gutter where you belong! 151
Nods of agreement from the CROWD. 152
ERIC153
Hah! Me go back to the gutter, where I belong? You all belong there. Take ‘Wendy’ for example: Seriously now, I’ve seen Barbie dolls more real than she is! Fake tan, fake hair, fake boobs, fake everything! And you just try and tell me she belongs anywhere other than a trailer park or street corner! 154
WENDY breaks down and rushes out of the room in tears. 155
GERRY stalks up to ERIC and plants himself face to face with the man. 156
GERRY157
You listen here, Eric, I’ve had enough of this. Get out of here now! This is a place for the lost to try regain some form of morality.158
ERIC159
(Looks confused)160
Moral? What the hell sort of morality do you think you guys can get? 161
ERIC leans right up to GERRY.162
ERIC163
(Says loudly)164
You’ve lost them all! You can’t regain morals like that! 165
GERRY starts getting red in the face.166
GERRY167
(Starts yelling)168
Yes you can! You can always regain some morals! You’re just getting silly now, with all your ‘can’t regain morals’ crap. It’s rubbish!169
(Starts getting hysterical)170
It can be done! I’ll prove that! I’ll show them. They said it was impossible, but I’ll show them!!171
DIRECTOR enters stage right and joins the yelling. 172
DIRECTOR 173
(Joins the yelling)174
CUT! Cut, cut, cut, CUT! This is retarded! Who the hell gave you the right to ad lib on stage? This is supposed to be a comedy, and here you are going on about morals? Bloody hell! If I wanted to do a play about bleeding morals I would have written bleeding morals into it! This play is about gutter humour, and it’s supposed to be funny. You know what funny is? It’s something you laugh at! 175
There is scattered embarrassed coughing, shuffling of feet, and generally looking uncomfortable. 176
DIRECTOR 2 enters stage left. 177
DIRECTOR 2178
(Says wearily to DIRECTOR 1)179
Cut… George, how many times do I have to tell you, you come in after they’ve gone into more detail about the morals. The crowd knows they’re going on about morals, but what morals are they after? 180
GEORGE181
(Looks down, abashed)182
Yes, Walter, sorry Walter. I try to put myself into the role, and I get worked up and forget where to come in. 183
WALTER (DIRECTOR 2)184
Mmm, it’s very good that you work so hard on playing your part, but please, play it at the right spot. Now, places everyone, we’ll take it 185
from…186
(Looks at his script)187
Hodown time. And please, try get it right, we’ve been through this before, and I want it perfect for opening night, OK? 188
ERIC189
Hey, Walter, do you want anymore dirty jokes thrown in? It seemed a bit short to me. 190
WALTER191
(Thinks about this)192
You could try some, it’s an ad lib section so see what you come up with. 193
ERIC194
Yeah… I keep having mind blanks…195
WALTER196
(Sighs and says)197
Ok then, anyone else have any suggestions for him? 198
GERRY199
I dunno, how about some sly comment about an upcoming barbecue? Sausages? 200
WALTER 201
Good grief! That joke is old! You’re not using that. Come on people, back to your places, you can work out something as you go. Try be inventive…202
Everyone goes back to their places, and the ‘DIRECTORS’ exit the stage.203
The noise grows as the CROWD start arguing about gutters/humour/the weather/life in general. 204
ERIC205
It’s… hodown Time!206
CROWD goes silent. 207
GERRY208
Wait… A hoedown? What’s that got to do with anything?209
ERIC210
Ah-hah! Not a hoedown, a hodown211
(Wiggles his eyebrows)212
The CROWD ‘Ooooos’ as this sinks in. 213
WENDY214
How the hell does a hodown work? 215
ERIC216
(Winks at WENDY)217
Low down.218
A few scattered and embarrassed laughs from the CROWD. 219
ERIC220
Ah-hah! You all find it funny, you wanna know why? I’ll tell you - deep down, you’re all just gutter brains. Yes, you are. You’ll never be anything other! And this proves it, a few simple, crass, jokes and you’re laughing! 221
GERRY222
Stop this now, Eric! It is painfully evident you don’t belong here. So, please, just leave. 223
ERIC224
Me leave? Why me? You have a man in this crowd who admits he loves cats. Come on, Charles, how many cats you got? 225
CHARLES226
(Coughs)227
Seven… 228
GERRY229
Look, Eric, I fail to see what this has to do with anything…230
ERIC231
Oh, you do do you? Well -232
(He glares at GERRY and CHARLES)233
I’ve seen this sort of man before. He says he loves cats, but you know what he really loves? Pussies. And he even has one for each day of the week! 234
There is a mix of sniggers, gasps and coughs from the CROWD. 235
CHARLES236
(Gapes at ERIC)237
How dare you! You know nothing about me. And for your information I just like cats. Pervert. 238
ERIC 239
(Sneering at CHARLES )240
Oh, just like pussies, eh? I bet you even let ‘em sit on your lap, eh? Prolly the closest thing you’ll get to the real thing. 241
CHARLES242
(Starts to say something but is interrupted by ERIC)243
244
ERIC245
(Raises his voice to speak over CHARLES )246
Bet you love to stroke them, all warm and fuzzy. Oh, and I dare say you’d even have one of them hairless ones to, for the variety. 247
GERRY248
(Starts yelling to get over ERIC)249
Shut up! You know nothing of what you speak! Now get out before we’re forced to drag you out!250
ERIC251
I’m not going anywhere till we’ve had this barbecue! 252
GERRY253
(Looks puzzled)254
What barbecue? There is no barbecue. 255
ERIC 256
Uh, the barbecue were the women hang around eating sausages? 257
WALTER. 258
(Bellows from offstage)259
CUT! 260
CURTAINS FALLS. 261
ERIC262
(Wails from behind the curtains)263
But I didn’t get to reuse my Barbie girl line! 264
THE END.265
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
It's like fart jokes. Body humor is for 12 year olds, IMO.
*joking*
