“Help!”1
Thomas hardly heard the cry of despair over the violent smashing of the surf, but the urgent banging roused him from his post. 2
“For the love of God, please…”3
Thomas wrenched open the door, the oil lamp in his left hand guttering in the sudden gust of sea spray that entered his abode.4
On the stoop, Thomas could hardly see the man who had made the plea, and though the wind tore away snatches of his speech, at least he could hear him clearly now.5
“You must help us… all is lost… the Frangelica… we saw the signal, but the sea…”6
Thomas squinted out into the night, but could see no distress beacons; the ferocious squall swallowing up everything it lashed against. 7
The sailor followed his gaze. “There are but four of us remaining… down at a cove… and my sister…” 8
The man paused before reaching out and pulling Thomas from the doorway. 9
“She is poorly… come quick… please…”10
Thomas left my safety, the dim light of the lamp flickering as he followed the sailor into the vacuum of the night. Though wind lashed against me, I stood, vigilant, awaiting his return.11
And return to me he would. We belonged together.12
As the intensity of the storm grew, and the wind howled around me, Thomas returned and led the man and two others in through the doorway. In his arms, swathed in a bundle of salt-sodden cloth, a fair-haired maiden lay.13
The three sailors watched, sombre, as Thomas draped the woman across a rug on my cold stone floor.14
Even in the flickering light, I could see the tint of blue on her lips and the grey pallor of her skin. Yet I said nothing as Thomas knelt and abruptly ripped her bodice and peeled her drenched clothing from her. 15
As she lay prone, her naked form revealed to all observers, Thomas leaned over her, covered her mouth with his and blew. 16
With a strange gurgle, her chest rose. As it fell, water bubbled from her mouth, cascading over her lips. As Thomas lift a fisted hand, her pallid eyelids flickered.17
Thomas dropped his hand and blew into her mouth again.18
Her eyelids flew open, and she moved, jerking away from him, coughing salt water from her lungs. She rolled to her side and clawed the rug as she took one heaving breath after another. 19
Thomas rubbed his hands across her bare skin as she started to shiver; great spasms wracked her form. Without glancing away, he commanded, “Get me blankets.”20
One of the sailors twitched before hurrying from the room, banging his shoulder against my side as he took to the stairs. 21
On the rug, the woman pushed herself half up and then vomited. With her hair clinging to her face, she began to cry. Finally aware of her surroundings, she made to clutch her dress to her chest, but looked down in horror and gasped. Frightened eyes beseeched Thomas as she screeched, scurrying across the rug to curl up alongside me. 22
I gave her comfort as best I could, but it was her brother who uttered the words that finally stilled her sobs. 23
“Phoebe, hush. You were drowned, and he stole you back from Death.”24
Though she hugged herself protectively, I felt her relax, but she still glared at Thomas. 25
He held up a hand in surrender. “I’m sorry about your dresses, Milady…”26
Behind him, the two sailors snickered. The brother grinned. “She’s just a scullery maid, in the employee of the Captain… God rest his soul,” he muttered, distressed.27
A pregnant silence ensued, broken only by the third sailor entering the room again. He espied Phoebe and rushed to cover her with one of the blankets - the patchwork quilt from my Thomas’ bed. 28
Phoebe wrapped the blanket around herself, tucking every last inch of skin beneath its warmth – even her face.29
Thomas indicated that the three sailors should do the same, before leaving the room to tend to his duties.
.
.
.
The sailors remained with us until the weather cleared and the sun shone once again. They salvaged what they could of Frangelica and what she had carried, the debris washing up on the lonely beach for days afterwards. They gifted a small barrel of rum to Thomas, and found several dresses for Phoebe, which she diligently washed and repaired. At the sixth day after the disaster, the three sailors took supplies and left on foot for the nearest port, promising to return for Phoebe once they had established contact with Frangelica’s owner and briefed him of her loss. 30
Phoebe stood beside me and waved them off, tendrils of her pale hair brushing the tears that ran down her cheeks. 31
I watched with disdain as Thomas slung an arm across her shoulders and whispered something in her ear. Whatever he said caused her to cry harder and bury her face against his chest. With my gaze set out to sea, I resolved to ignore his betrayal.
.
.
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Phoebe was beautiful; even I could see that in the way she moved and spoke. Flaxen hair framed a perfect face, and blue eyes rivalling the colour of the sea at sunrise sat above pronounced cheekbones. When she smiled, her face bespoke inner frivolity in the way her lips would twitch upward and tiny lines crinkled around her eyes.32
It didn’t take long for Thomas to notice. 33
I observed as he watched her stroll barefoot up the beach, her skirts lifted to keep them dry as the wavelets chased her feet. He smiled to himself as she let out a shrill giggle as the surf took her by surprise. It was then that she glanced up to where he stood, saw his smile and grinned in invitation.34
He clambered over rocks and finally reached the beach below. As she twirled around in the soft sand, he strode toward her. 35
They stood apart for a brief second before Phoebe kicked up a flume of water, the water dappling dark damp dots on his beige linen shirt. 36
He glanced down, fingering one particularly large wet blotch before leaning down to scoop up a handful of wet sand. With a wink, he threw it at her. Most missed her, but some of the grains adhered to her cheek. 37
She stood still, her skirts billowing in the breeze, smirking at him.38
Three steps took him to stand just in front on her. He lifted a hand and brushed the sand from her face, his thumb lingering on her cheek. 39
Unable to look away, I watched as she leaned her face against his palm. She closed her eyes for a moment before she opened them, the sunlight flecking them as she tilted her head. Thomas followed her cue, leaning down to capture her lips. 40
They stood like that, blissfully oblivious to my presence or the angry grey clouds that rolled in over the horizon. They broke apart only when a wave raced up the beach and caught their feet. Phoebe laughed as Thomas shook the water from his oiled boots. In reply, he snaked an arm around her waist and swivelled her away from the water’s sneaky grasp. 41
She snuggled against him as the sky rumbled my disapproval.
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The weeks stretched into months as Phoebe waited for any hint of correspondence from her brother. Never far from each other’s company, she and Thomas shared deeper moments for every day that passed. They sat one night, as they always did, enjoying a meal, tide and moon charts stacked to one side of the scarred tabletop. 42
Phoebe blew on a spoonful of the stew she held, gazing at Thomas over it. 43
Thomas caught her eye. “I don’t want you to leave.”44
She laughed. “I imagine not – having a woman here to provide you with decent meals and to clean your clothes is quite the novelty,” she joked.45
“I promised your brother I’d keep you safe, but I think…” Thomas paused to take a breath as he reached across the table to encompass one soft, pale hand in his calloused one. 46
Abandoning her stew, Phoebe discarded the spoonful back into the bowl. “Yes?”47
“I think… I think I love you,” he said, voice quavering as he caressed her hand. “Every moment I spend with you I don’t want to end. I don’t think I could bear to see you leave.”48
“Oh, Thomas,” she whispered, “Once Gregory returns, I will have to leave. My family…”49
Thomas interrupted her before she could continue. “Marry me, spend the rest of your days at my side, we’ll raise a family of our own.”50
A tear spilled from her eye and trickled down the buff of her face. “And when would I see my family again? I care deeply for you, Thomas, but I know you can never leave this place. I know your duty and how it binds you here.”51
He fumbled for an item under the rolled charts as she slipped her hand out from under his. Thomas pushed the tiny, carved wooden box toward her as she turned her face away. “Phoebe?”52
She sighed as she twisted her head back. “I can’t, Thomas, please…”53
Thomas dropped to the stone floor on his knees and implored her, “Be my wife, Phoebe, please. I promise to take care of you, I’ll pay passage for your family to sail, I’ll do anything to make you happy.”54
Picking the tiny box up from the table, she opened it. She stared at the heavy gold ring, the ruby glimmering in the lamplight as her hand shook. Finally, she tore her gaze away and glanced down at Thomas. “You would promise all those things to me?”55
“Till I take my dying breath, my love.”56
She smeared the tears from her cheeks. “Then, yes – but only if my brother permits it.”57
Thomas’ face lit up as a joyous smile creased his lips. 58
It was then that I accepted that she would make him happy. Through dark days and perilous nights, working together incessantly, his joy meant everything to me. I would continue to stand, resolute, for him and his love.
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Gregory arrived at dusk less than a fortnight later, shouting his arrival in a rich baritone as he pounded on the door. 59
“Come up,” Phoebe shouted, as she leant over the railing. “Come and share the beautiful sunset. It’s been absolutely gorgeous for the last few days.”60
Her brother didn’t need much more invitation, and he raced up the winding staircase. He reached the top and stood beside me. We gazed at Phoebe; the dying sun splashed her hair with rippling bronze as she laughed with Thomas about some softly spoken word.61
“Phoebe?”62
She took two quick steps to him and enveloped him in a hug. “I’ve missed you so much. I worried when you didn’t write…”63
“It doesn’t matter now – I’ve come to take you home, I secured us passage back to England, the Margarette will set anchor offshore tomorrow…”64
“Tomorrow?” she murmured.65
A silence fell as Gregory regarded her, taking in her countenance and demeanour. He saw her subtle side step to Thomas, and then the sun’s rays as they scintillated across the surface of the ring.66
Before Gregory could query its presence, Thomas stepped forward. “I love her and wish to take her as my wife. May I have her hand in marriage, my friend?”67
“She is a beautiful woman. Could you not just be besotted with her attractiveness?”68
“I could love no other woman like I adore her. I will be devoted to her for every living breath I take.”69
Gregory considered his words and the fervour with which Thomas uttered them. He shrugged. “I would be a fool to prevent it. However, we must return to England; our family misses us both. Give her leave to return so that she may tell them of this blessed news.”70
Phoebe snared the crook of Thomas’ arm and drew him to her. She sobbed as the bittersweet words hung in the air. 71
“You must go – I’ll wait and pray for your safe return,” Thomas said as he held her. 72
She answered him by clutching at his shirt and crying harder.
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She and Gregory left on the morrow just before the sun reached its zenith. After they boarded the ship from the wooden rowboat - which the main vessel had sent out for them, Thomas slunk back inside. 73
I watched as he stood in the middle of the room, his eyes alighting on every single object that Phoebe had touched or sat upon or held against her skin. He took a breath and sighed, the exhalation embodying sadness and sorrow. I longed to comfort him, and to bring back the joy that had filled him for these past months.74
As though hearing my pleas, a strong southerly blew in under the door, scattering the pile of charts from the table. Where they had sat, a thick parchment envelope remained, ‘Thomas’ perfectly scripted in Phoebe’s hand. 75
Ignoring the charts now rolling around on the floor, Thomas strode to the table and seized the envelope. Tearing it open, he let the envelope flutter to the ground as he read her farewell message. Lips moving soundlessly, he paced the room, his finger following every word of love and hope. Soon enough, his lips quirked as he read and re-read a particular passage. Finally coming to the end of the letter, he folded it carefully and tucked it below his linen shirt.76
It sat against his heart from the time he rose to the time he closed his weary eyes. It sat there with his hand against it as he knelt beside his bed and prayed. It remained through the days and nights of howling wind and tearing rain, through the battering of the sea and the raging of the surf, and for every single breath he took.77
He received further correspondence from her; her family were overjoyed that she was engaged to him, and she would set sail to return to him in the spring. This letter received the same treatment as her farewell regards, and it joined its twin, worn autumn-leaf-thin through constant tender attentions, to rest against his heart. 78
He ate with gusto that evening, drinking the last of the wine as a sunset painted the horizon in shades of lilac and amber and russet red. Toasting the sky, he muttered thanks to the Lord. He and I worked side-by-side that night with more zeal than he had since she had departed. 79
The days eased into weeks, and Thomas never deviated from his routine. As spring drew near, he spent more and more time hunched over the table, pencil flying across parchment as he calculated and recalculated the charts. Occasionally, he would dart outside and stand, scowling up at the sky, fingers tapping against his thigh. Sometimes there would be clear sky, and other times wind and roiling clouds would darken his visage. As the days remaining dwindled, his agitation increased. He developed the habit of standing with me for entire nights, spending most of the time fidgeting or pacing. I knew I could remain focused, but I had no way of reassuring him of this.80
He woke late in the day to torrential rain and gale force wind. We had been buffeted by worse – at least the wind hadn’t yet found its way under the doors and around the tar-framed windows. He raced up to where my gaze never wavered, coming to a sliding stop as he saw what he’d been dreading.81
Almost matching the slate green of the ocean, thick clouds boiled across the horizon, forks of lightning dancing from one fluffy monstrosity to another. Thunder crackled, chasing the sheets of rain that battered the coast. Down on the beach, waves churned and smashed, throwing mist and foam into the air where the driving wind tore it away.82
Thomas glared at the clouds and shook his fist in defiance, before returning to me, his eyes closed as he muttered a plea for protection.
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The storm may have raged, but we persevered; my illuminating light never wavered in its warning. The morning dawned with the sun hidden behind banks of cloud, the darkened horizon bleak as it heralded the promise of further rain. Beside me, Thomas slept, slumped on the floor with his head pillowed by his arms.83
Down on the sand of the cove, waves had pushed a bundle of sodden cloth to the shore.
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Thomas pushed himself up from the floor with a moan, an errant beam of sunlight making him squint. The warm light bathing him didn’t last long before it faded and winked out. He stumbled down the spiral staircase, yawning and rubbing away the last of the sleep from his eyes. He stopped at fourth last tread, his hand frantically searching his chest.84
“No…” he murmured, as one hand ripped at the buttons of his shirt. “Oh, Lord, no!”85
Both hands now clawed at the linen shirt. He ripped it from himself, turning it this way and that. It was what was not there that alarmed him the most – somehow in the calamity the previous night, he had mislaid her letters. 86
He ran back up the stairs again, taking two or three at a time in his hurry to reach the top. He arrived, his gaze panning the room until he fixed his stare out at the rail. There – wrapped tenuously around one of the metal palings – sheets of parchment fluttered. Striding toward them, his fingers closed around them just as he caught sight on the beach below.87
With a howl, he let the sheets slip from his fingers. They danced and twisted in the wind before vicious raindrops snared them and drove them to the ground. Thomas clung to the rail, knuckles whitening as his grip tightened. He whirled away from the rail and ran.88
I don’t think his feet touched every tread on the way back down, nor do I think he cared that he’d left the door to swing on its hinges. I could only watch as his feet took him down to the cove, to where the tempest of the sea had delivered his love.89
He collapsed beside her, pulling her stiffening form to him. He kissed her as he had that first night, but this time she wouldn’t be prised so easily from Death’s pallid grasp. He pounded her chest and yelled hoarsely at the heavens, cursing the cruelty of the Lord.90
He cradled her for hours, holding her to his heart as the wind roared around him and the waves plucked at her feet. He stroked her hair and closed her eyes, before kissing her cold and unresponsive face. He lifted her left hand to his cheek, and held it there as he cried, unashamed.91
Finally, as the remaining daylight threatened to hide beneath the skirts of the approaching night, he lifted her and carried her to a hillock above the cove. There he fashioned a grave in the sandy soil with his bare hands, scraping away at the dirt until his skin tore and bled. As a bleak moon watched on, its face peaking through clouds, he laid her tenderly at the bottom. With a hard face, he buried her.92
He trudged back inside and stood, sand and dirt falling from him, glaring at the room and everything it held. He threw something on the table; the ring. It skittered and bounced across the rough surface. Slamming his fist down, Thomas raged again. 93
“I was to marry her!” he screamed. “I loved her. Oh God, I loved her.”94
He swept the charts from the table, leaving the ring to taunt him.95
Snatching it, he held it up to the light. “I made a promise…” he murmured, as he turned from the table. “’Till my dying breath,’ I said…” Thomas’ feet took him to the foot of the staircase. He glanced around the room once more before he smiled. “I told her I’d be with her always, and I will, I swear.”96
I could do nothing to stop him as he took every stair deliberately. He didn’t stop when he reached the head of the stairs, nor as he strode toward the railing. 97
“Always,” he declared, as he climbed over the railing. He stood on the foot-wide ledge and gazed down at the mound that marked where Phoebe laid, cold and dead. He spread his arms, the ring still held between thumb and forefinger.98
“Always,” he whispered, as he ran along the ledge until the stone edge ended and he leapt into the air with a grin on his face. “Always.”99
The ring tumbled in the night, the moon glinting from the blood-red gem. It landed on a sheet of torn and soaked parchment. Drops of red pattered softly beside it, and inked declarations of forever love bled.
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.
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Now, I am alone, without my keeper, and yet I continue, vigilant. I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves. And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way.
Author notes
This is something a little different - and as readers may have guessed from the very last part, is written from the point of view of the lighthouse. I am still fairly uncomfortable with the main genre of this piece (romance), so any tips or feedback in that respect will be appreciated. I tried to capture both the emotion and the visual impact in this piece, but I'm not entirely sure how successful I've been.
The entire story is based on the song The Lighthouse's Tale by Nickel Creek. I've never listened to the song, but I did use the lyrics for inspiration:
I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
I keep my lamp lit, to warn the sailors on their way.
I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.
I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.
And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night.
[Chorus:]
And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.
She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, as dashed against the rock she met her end.
[Chorus]
Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.
I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.
[Chorus]
I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way.
As always, if you see anything that needs to be fixed, please let me know.
A contest entry
- To Prompt or Not To Prompt (Now Allowing Pre-Writes!) by Cajun.Lullaby.
175 points, ended April 4, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something. . . Amazing by BreakThroughAngel.
140 points, ended April 26, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SILENCE IS A LOVELY WORD by Violette.
170 points, ended April 18, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Dust off your Honorable Mentions. Polish that brass. It's your lucky day. by SageSyren.
350 points, ended May 16, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Lots of Love xx by Neolittlefish.
325 points, ended May 21, 53 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance Me! by SilentMoonDance.
275 points, ended June 18, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best of Historical Fiction!! by Elms Apprehended.
200 points, ended July 7, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Oscars 2009 - Best Love Story by The Oscars Team.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want your Best Love stories!!! by hsmlover1.
160 points, ended July 17, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance by Shadow Pixie.
370 points, ended July 25, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Get your booty into this contest, NOW! :D:D by caitecola.
225 points, ended August 7, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with your best shot! by slyly annonymous.
350 points, ended August 22, 52 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Everything & Anything by Lost Soul 12.
450 points, ended November 2, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Cliche As Can Be by Love Dreamer.
175 points, ended November 13, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Songs and Stories! ~ Checkeredglasses by checkeredglasses.
225 points, ends November 29, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you feel?
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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Firstly, thanks for entering.
This piece, was unlike anything I have read.Oh, and I did love reading it. I love the last paragraph in the lighthouse's view, it ties the story perfectly.
I do though, think the beggining was a bit confusing.
And return to me he would. We belonged together. <----that line threw me through a loop.
The detail was amazing. There was not too much or too little it was perfect. The ending though, was a bit abrupt. To me, thehardest art of a story is it's ending. I feel it has been rushed. Slow it down, describe it, put in more emotion and its perfect.
Thanks for entering
Good job
Good luck
~Alex -
Hmmm interesting and different, good luck
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Hmmm interesting and different, good luck
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Wow great story! It was very moving and detailed! Great job! Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!!!
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Wow!! Good story!! thank for entering!! good luck!!!
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Beautiful! I was trying to guess all the way through the story as to who the narrator could be, but I never saw that one coming.
The descriptions and the details were brilliant and the style you've written in works perfectly.
I'm really glad that I got to read this, and I hope that I can read more of your work in the future because this piece was just amazing.
Thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck!
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...Beautiful. The end was so...sorry, I'm lost for words. From start to finish it's truly amazing. The descriptiveness painted images in my mind while I read, you said you are uncomfortable with the genre but you wrote it so well, as if you've been writing romance for years. It's sad but it really is beautiful, showing that he truly loved her, risking to take his own life for her. Writing it from the lighthouse's point of view is also very brilliant.
Great Job =]
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This was a truly beautiful story. It seemed you had put little effort into it, and it came out beyond and above great. You might get a medal for this one.
You described and detailed everything really well, but not so much to where it was overwhelming. I wondered who the narrarator was, and I finally figured it out. Some people would have the narrarator angry for Thomas' betrayal, but you didn't you left her cold and empty, a different and well fit emotion.
Thank you sincerely for entering my contest, and I really hope to see or read more or your stories, or maybe poems, in the future.
Kira-san
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was an amazing story. I was confused at the beginning, wondering who the narrator was, but at the end everything came together perfectly. It was beautiful.
Thanks for your entry, good luck!
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You are truly gifted. I don't think you have to worry about the genre. It works very well with your setting. I really don't have much to say other than the fact that you did a very excellent job, and I love the style you chose to write this piece. From the view of the lighthouse. That's creative! Fantastic job.
C
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Now this is writing. Refreshing point of view, most authors on this site seem 't seem to think to go there. The flow is excellent, it's rare to make 3,500 words fly by like they're 500. Nothing to nit at in this one, leaving me without my forte for this comment. Damn.
80 - Wonderful narration. The highlight.
Cheers!
Dw
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I quite enjoyed this story. It was full of passion and of meaning, I thought. The meaning seemed very well put to words, honestly written and as realistic as the plot was entertaining, yet kind of sad--the way it's written, that is.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest I am co-judging. I feel that the story was written with your heart, even though it may not have been based on realistic things in your life. Keep up the great work. -
Oh wow, I very much loved this, and it isa beautiful story.
I certainly did not think to see this story in POV of a lighthouse, amazingly well done...XD
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I would've never guessed the ending. All along I thought that the point of view came from another person close to Thomas, but it didn't quite make sense in some places. And then at the end, when they let Thomas just jump beyond the rail, I was asking myself why they didn't stop him.
I enjoyed reading this because it was different - unique. The ending was the best part. -
The best part about this piece was the perspective from which it was written. I liked how you ended it, as well. Best of luck in the contests.
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
Wow. Just wow.
This is amazing!
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck! -
Captivated
I've read this story before--even commented--and thought I should read it again. It's very intriguing, well written, and of course, beautiful.
Great write and good luck! -
i loved how the lighthouse was the narrator! the scene was always very vivid through your description, and when phoebe died it was so emotional and well written
thank you for entering, and good luck! -
I was guessing all throughout as to who the narrator could be, but I never saw that one coming.
Impressively done, Blondie, and I don't think you need to hear my praise about your writing, cause I seem to say the same things always.
Great stuff, and thanks for referring me to read it.
(Trophies, I see. )
RJ
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uhh i feel bad but i really didnt understand it. like i understand the beginning and middle and VERY end, but once the brother showed up you just kinda lost me sorry!
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Oh, my.
The POV in this piece was very, very clever.
I liked it from the get go, how the lighthouse was narrating.
The only thing is that I would have enjoyed it more if, perhaps, you had made it even more from her (I assume all things sea related are female) perspective, just, added insights or observations, more so, than you did.
But, either way, it was a great piece with a lot of detail amd great imagery.
Lighthouses are so wonderfully inspirational. ^^
Thanks for the entry and best of luck in the contest! -
Very detailed. Thanks for entering.
Brooke
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YES, I am so glad that you gave it a trgic ending, it would have been muuch to cliched if they had lived happily ever after. Also brownie pointes for using the name phoebe as it is my favourite girls name at the moment. The were a few slow points in the middle but the powerful ending definatey made up for that. Onto the finalists list you go!
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Oh, this was good. Somewhat stiff in places, I think, as though maybe you could have done more with it, more with the emotions of each person- part of your discomfort with the romance genre, perhaps. You should really have listened to the song- I wondered throughout the piece if this was based on that song, it's a wonderful piece of music that really captures the emotions of the lyrics, I think, and would have helped you writing this.
Your imagery was beautiful- I loved seeing the love develop in the two through their actions, rather than their thoughts (of course, that last is hard to do when your POV is a third party and an inanimate object to boost)
Lovely
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Hmmmm....I'm a little annoyed about how manyu contests you've entered with this story, but overall I thought it was pretty good. I really wasn't sure about the whole thing, just because it seemed evident that you aren't altogether comfortable with writing romance, and I felt that you were holding back. Regardless of all of these things, your talent is unquestionable. You have extremely clear, detailed, and descriptive writing, but I just kind of despise anything that is from the point of view of an inanimate objest. But you've got talent and I thought it was very good. Good luck and thanks for entering my contest.
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I thought I'd commented on this. Ah well, better do so now.
Over all, I enjoyed the story. I already knew it was from the POV of an inanimate object before I started, which was kinda sad. It would have been more fun reading and seeing how long it took me to work that out.
Eitherway, it was predictable, the ending was easy to guess from the beginning - but you were limited by the lyrics so that's fair enough. And as you're said, these sorts of stories have to be cliché in some respect, there are only so many ways of having a dramatic romance.
Nice work.
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I loved it.
But then again , you already knew that as I have read this particular story before
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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It's from a lighthouse's point of view. Didn't notice it before! I thought you were using the lighthouse as a metaphor for the narrator.
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comment from judge of make it sparkle
very very descriptive, i liked it alot! very powerful emotions both thomas and the narrator expressed. -
Wow the end was powerfull, it was good. Interesting take on having the light house be the narrarator! Good job!
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I felt that you did a very good job out of the universe good job If I were you I would become a writer.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Look, I'd also asked you to write something else, but whatever, you seem to have read the rules.
It's a good story, though I empathized more with the narrator. Her character is left a bit unexplained-was she engaged to Thomas? Did she like him? If she liked him, why did she feel 'he would return' to her?
I think you need to add something more to Thomas and Phoebe, because I didn't feel too bad for them. Though the climax was certainly very thrilling.
Almost everyone on Storywrite says "Put this in your A/N."Since there is no such thing called Contest Notes, that's the way I'm putting it too.and there was no need to highlight the whole thing.
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Normally, its hard for me to get my attention easily into the longer shorts here on storywrite.. but I think you did a fantastic job at catching my interest. I always enjoy reading your work, though (even though I don't always get around to commenting
- hate to always just say "I loved it", ya know? 
)
This was beautifully crafted and well written. I loved how you wrote this in the PoV of the lighthouse- very different, but great!! Powerfully emotional piece here... job well done as always
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oop, forgot the clappies XD
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I just want to say.... Wow, that was a long one. Or so I first thought by looking at it XD
So, very interesting concept, I really liked it, and as I read it the story got shorter. It pulled you in really well. Great write, original point of view, buri can't say I didn't see the ending coming... Even despite that, this was great and there were very few grammatical mistakes... None that I saw, but I'm sure there's at least one there somewhere.... Keep up the good work ^^ -
I loved this. It was very apparent from the very beginning that it was written from the POV of the lighthouse.
I loved it.
Good luck in all your contests.
Trish
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Awesome story. I like the song lyrics, and love how you created this out of them. Very good work. It isn't by any means your best work though but the viewpoint of the lighthouse was amusing.
- HT
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Good story
I thought the wording was eloquent and the plot intrigueing. I never heard of the song, but your story has made me interested enough to seek it out.
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nice; I like it
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daaang...i was entranced through the whole thing
you did an amazzing job with this!!
love it!
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That was pretty good.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Wow. this story was amazing. You have great talent and this whole tale brought out emotions. It was a bit sad they both died but that made the story all the better at the same becuase it tugged at even more emotions. great job.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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PENATRATING!
This is a deep story
that greatly moved me! -
couldn't stop reading
Great write! Kept me engrossed from beginning to end.
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Wow. This was really good! I just fell in love with it! U truly r an amazing writer!
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Nice
I am going to be very honest so pardon me if you do not like what I'm going to say: That was beautifully written. It reminds me of those places where they have their own legend and every legend has a story to tell. I don't find any errors-I thought it was immaculately done. I suppose, the notion of plagiarism is somewhat the issue that bothers me now. Beautifully inspired indeed. But hmmm, I like it better if the ending goes something like this, "Like the song being sung ages later by a trio, I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves. And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way." It doesn't look so ripped off then. No worries, I am not accusing or pointing fingers. I understand your good intentions very well when you quoted those lyrics. ;P Just don't get into trouble, yeah. I definitely won't be able to write as good as you do anyway. "the light...winked out.." I like that.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow...
the beginnig put me to sleep and it was really long but when I got to the end i was just like...wow! -
Very cleverly done and beautifully written.
At first I thought the story was from the POV of a pet
. I should have guessed it was the lighthouse before reaching p83 (my illuminating light never wavered in its warning), plus of course the title itself AND the pictures of a lighthouse running down the side (I'll never make a detective).
This was different for the fact the couple were not together for too long while in most romance stories they seem to be together for all but a couple of paragraphs.
A lovely, although sad, story of a loving relationship not meant to be. Beautiful in the writing and daunting in the imagery portrayed through the writing.
Although not a reader of romance per se, I found this to be wel worth the read.
A wonderful story from a wonderful writer.
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WOW, I'm a sucker for grammer, and i do believe i didnt find anything wrong with this story
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Beautifully written.
I could tell from paragraph fourteen that it was from the lighthouse's pov and thought that an interesting way to tell the story.
I like that it was set in the old days and Thomas had to wait till spring for the ship to sail back from England. It really set the mood with him rereading her letters and waiting patiently for her return.
You did a nice job of laying the thought that something bad would happen on her return and I was expecting it yet it was still sad to see it happen. What he did afterwords showed the strength of his devotion.
I believe this is the first romance story I've read of yours.
Who knew you could do romance?
Oddly enough, toward the end of the story I was actually thinking of this song. Not only do I know the song but I've met Nickel Creek. A musician friend of mine knows them and introduced me to them when they played here a couple of years ago.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that that is what inspired this story. You followed the outline of the lyrics quite nicely all the way through to the end. I'm sure they would be thrilled to know that and they would love the story themselves.
Regardless of where the inspiration came from this is a well written tragic romance that brings the reader into the story and shows them what's happening along the way.
Nicely done Jodie!
Greg
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WOW
Nicely written! I think it's a wonderful idea of you to make a song into story! Great Job!
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I couldn't stop reading.
Although I pretty much assumed it was a lighthouse early on (when there was no rebuttal about the love Thomas and Phoebe were feeling, and I knew where he worked), I really believe there is a unique aspect to this tragic story.
It's told by a lighthouse. Couldn't be more clever than that.
Plus, I feel like this is an old-timey love, you know? Which is probably why I liked it so much. No smut, nothing like that...just beauty.
My favorite part is:
He ran back up the stairs again, taking two or three at a time in his hurry to reach the top. He arrived, his gaze panning the room until he fixed his stare out at the rail. There – wrapped tenuously around one of the metal palings – sheets of parchment fluttered. Striding toward them, his fingers closed around them just as he caught sight on the beach below.
With a howl, he let the sheets slip from his fingers. They danced and twisted in the wind before vicious raindrops snared them and drove them to the ground. Thomas clung to the rail, knuckles whitening as his grip tightened. He whirled away from the rail and ran.
Oh. My. God. You have no idea how my heart was beating when I was reading this part!
The romance is so beautifully written...that I hated to see it end the way it did. I was in tears, woman!!!
I really, truly think that everything you write is good...but I'd like to see more of your romantic side in the future. Perhaps you can write a "happily ever after" story next, though, eh? No more tears for me.
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I like your romance..
..it is not overly done nor sappy, as I am afraid some of my pieces are
I love how he rescued her (I just didn't understand why she was naked, but I reread and imagined that her dress was stuck somewhere, or maybe they were too heavy), and how at first, I wondered if it was a mute wife - it was a little during the beach scene that I realized it was the lighthouse itself 
Their love was.. it reminded me of olden love, I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the uncomplicated-ness.. You wrote this with a fairly "old" feel (even the language) so I think it WAS your intention to remind us about old love.
The youtube video of the song.. I felt the same when I first saw that.. heartbreaking
as for the "little things," I could only find one:
As Thomas lift(ed) a fisted hand
But this is only a very small thing - it didn't matter since I thoroughly enjoyed your piece
Thank you so much for sharing this sweetness. I am familiar with that song/poem since we read it in highschool, and I think you did it justice Thank you again for sharing this with us
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This is so beautifully written...love how you personified the lighthouse...the end made me cry...Love it...
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that was the most amazing thing that i have read in a long time. i cant believe that i actually cried. i love how the lighthouse was telling the story. i hope to read more of your work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is really beautiful! I love it. My brother is in the navy and this song always reminded me of him... so thank you for writing this. It was really beautiful. I don't know why, but I really love tragedies... I must be a masochist.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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BEAUTIFUL
Man everyone has such talent on this website. Thankyou so much for posting that thus giving me the pleasure of reading it. i thought that was rather funny afterwards, i'm ashamed to admit i wasn't even thinking of a lighthouse but i guess that explains the pictures haha
perhaps choose a different font color and size next time tho, the glare kinda hurt my eyes
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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um...
i dont know what to say.... it was..... really good. -
This was a beautiful story. At first I thought the narrator was a girl; then I was thinking a pet.
A lighthouse... that's certainly creative!
I enjoyed reading this piece, and the ending was really tragic. IMO you did a great job; good luck in the contest!
~Sparrow
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Beautiful. I really didn't see it coming that it was from the perspective of the light house. At first I thought it was going to be a little like Wuthering Heights. I did enjouy that the man was the one who couldn't live without her it seems like it is always the woman..
Beautifully done.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Beautifully Cast!!!
Blondie, your writing never fails to impress me. Because "The Lighthouse's Tale" is one of my favorite songs, I knew from about the fifth paragraph that this was from the lighthouse's POV and found it obvious as you described how he calculated storms and stayed by the fresnel light. This is a brilliant take on the prompt! You should really listen to the song sometime, because the way it is sung closely resembles the way you have written this story.
The relationship between Phoebe and Thomas is captivating and classic. The setting was beautifully described and I felt as though I was there again, back on the shores of Lake Michigan, playing at the foot of the Old Mission Point Light House, or Au Sable Point. Many lighthouses have I seen and touched, and your description suits the feeling surrounding all of them.
Alma-Tadema got to this before I did and she has covered the vast majority of the mistakes that I found, so I will not bore you to tears with the repition. This is a lovely piece!
Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!
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Brilliant!
I honestly enjoyed your story, as I knew I would. Your descriptions and the way you word things are one of a kind. Truly, your writing is original. I knew starting halfway through the story, that it was from the lighthouse's perspective and I loved that, very innovative. Your characters were so vivid--seriously, I adored this story. This is my favorite, though I haven't read many of your works. Second is 9 Months.
The relationship between Phoebe and Thomas was so captivating, you really mastered the dialogue and the feel of the time...I could tell it was of a different era. The setting with the lighthouse and the beach, the waves, the shore--spectacularly detailed, well-executed. I felt like I was there, in that setting, of that time.
I don't really know what to say, can't really explain how much I loved this story and your writing style. I'm quite envious, but I hope to be as good as you are one day. Practice, practice, practice, I know. Lol
I know you've already stated how you need to edit, but I still thought it would be convenient to let you know the minor flaws I found, which don't hinder this incredible piece at all.
On 29, I think you meant "every" instead of "ever".
On 34, you forgot "to" inbetween "He smiled" and "himself."
On 39, I think you meant "Of" instead of "on".
On 59, the beginning of the sentence, you meant "It" instead of "I".
On 64, "It" instead of "I" at the start of the dialogue.
On 74, the last sentence, did you mean "And to bring back the joy..." or how it already is?
On 76, "the" between "He let" and "envelope flutter".
Maybe I'm wrong, but shouldn't it be "Was" instead of "were" between "that she" and "engaged to him" om 78, first sentence.
On 86, third sentence, "It" instead of "I"Once again, amazing story. Excuse my gushing. You really should get something published, you've got serious talent. (I'd give you a million applause if I could)
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Nice So Far...
I really like the setting and vibe of this story. There are no awkward parts and the action hits you full-force...not slow-paced. All of the characters seem vivid to me and the surroundings you've described really jump from your words. I would like to know more about the story, the sailors...the woman who nearly drowned. Seriously, this is a very interesting story, and of course, well written.
Great start, can't wait to read more.
(By the way, I won't applaud until the whole story is posted) -
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I really wasn't expecting anyone to read this yet - I thought I'd get the first part up for Alskian.Rain to show her that I am going to finish the story for her contest, and then continue with the writing/editing. If you like, I'll message you when I have it all posted.
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