I Don't Have A Title For This.

A long time ago I was a little girl. I was small. I was innocent. I was black and blue shoes and dozens of band-aids. I was songs on the swings, I was help in the kitchen, and I was that extra five minutes begged for before bed. I was smiles, and dances. I was adding and subtracting. I was hugs and laughter. But mostly: I was blind to the real world.1

I miss being blind. I miss baking chocolate cakes with my great grandmother, Nunny, and going to the hair dresser with her when she still could leave the house. I miss going food shopping on Saturdays with my grandmother. I miss the talks and the laughter. I miss the black and blue shoes. I miss helping with Dad in the garage. I miss learning left from right. I miss walks on the beach, collecting jingle shells. I miss smiles. I miss happiness. I miss freedom from all that is cruel and cynical in this world today. I miss everything.2

I miss you Nunny. You are the only person who seems to still be exactly as you always were, even if physically you have become weaker year by year. You are still happiness, smiles, laughter. You are love. 3

It saddens me greatly to think that time is moving on. That it is taking hold of you, and sooner or later taking you away from me. Taking my Nunny. My only gateway to the past. My only window to what was. My beautiful, generous, wonderful family member, who has never caused me intentional pain, never hurt me, never let me down. I only hope I never let you down. It would kill me.4

It makes me cry to think you might not make it to my graduation, and even if so, you wouldn't be able to be there in person. I lose my breath whenever I think that I will ever have to lose you. That I will ever have to go to that house, and have you not be there. That I will never be able to step foot into that room without falling to my knees and breaking apart.5

Everytime I go to see you, you always tell me, "Elizabeth, please always remember, more important that anything else, that I love you. I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what happens. I don't care if you never can come to see me. I always love you. Always. And that will never change."6

I cannot live without you.7

Please, if there is a god out there, don't take her from me just yet. Please give me some more time, to show her just how much she means to me. How she has impacted my life. 8

Please don't leave me alone in this world. I don't think I can survive without her.