Finding Yourself Chapter Sixteen

I’m awake now, and Jon’s still asleep next to me. He looks very hot right now, but he does nothing for me. He’s nothing to me anymore. What I want is several miles away, wondering where I am and if I’m okay. God I wish I would’ve told CJ where Jon lives. But then again I don’t, because if I had CJ would be over here in a heartbeat starting shit with him. And Jon may have stopped hitting me for now, but there’s nothing holding him back from beating CJ’s ass.1

I get up and go into the bathroom, changing my clothes and brushing my teeth. As I walk downstairs and see the door, I contemplate heavily just running out of it. But for one, I don’t have a way to get anywhere in the blistering cold except for walking, and for two I made Jon a promise. And I want to keep it.2

I decide to call CJ. I figure it will give him some condolence to know that I’m okay.3

‘Hello? Baby? Hello?’ he answers frantically.4

‘Hey baby.’ I say, and I fear I’m about to start crying.5

‘God! Are you okay? Where are you? Is he hurting you?’ 6

‘I’m fine. I’m with him, but I’m okay.’ I answer, trying to calm him down.7

‘Did he hurt you?’ CJ asks again.8

‘Yeah, yesterday he did. But I don’t think he’s going to anymore.’ I realize just how stupid that sounds as it comes out of my mouth.9

‘That’s bullshit. You know he will.’10

I don’t have a reply.11

‘How are you calling me? Are you still there?’12

‘Yeah, I’m still here. Jon’s asleep. I told him—I told him I’d stay with him until James comes back. But I told him if he hits me again I’m leaving. He seemed to be okay with it and I just hope it doesn’t take long. I miss you like hell already.’13

‘I miss you too baby. I want to see you. I’ve been so worried about you.’ He tells me and I can hear the shaking in his voice.14

‘Well I’ll…I’ll keep in touch with you okay?’ I tell him.15

‘No, don’t hang up baby. Please don’t hang up.’ He begs me, bringing tears to my eyes.16

‘I need to go.’ I can now hear the tremble in my own voice. ‘Please. I’ll call you. I promise. I love you so much and I’ll see you soon, okay?’17

‘Baby please. Don’t hang up. I want to talk to you.’ CJ pleads with me, making me cry more.18

‘I love you, and I promise I’ll call you.’ I take a breath and it kills me to say it. ‘Bye.’ I shut the phone and put my head in my hands, crying. I fucking hate crying. I wish I was crying from one of Jon’s beatings and not from this emotion. 19

‘Why’d you call him?’ A voice from behind me startles me.20

I turn around and Jon’s standing there. ‘What?’21

‘You knew it was just gonna make you cry. It was just gonna make you miss him. Why’d you even bother?’ His dreads are hanging low in front of his face and I can tell he’s offended.22

‘I just… wanted to tell him I was okay. I know he’s worrying about me.’ I feel the phone vibrate and drop it. It’s CJ calling back. 23

‘Here, let me see it.’ Jon says. ‘I’ll take care of it.’24

‘No.’ I tell him.25

‘Come on. I’m not gonna say anything to him. Just give me the phone.’ 26

I hand it to him and, much to my unexpected surprise, he throws it against the wall and it smashes. He suddenly has fire in his eyes.27

And so do I. I hop up from the couch. ‘What the fuck, Jon? You just smashed my goddamn phone! Why the fuck would you do that?’28

Jon sits me down on the couch forcefully. ‘Do not talk to him.’ He says. He’s right in front of my face now. ‘Do you understand me?’ He grabs my face but doesn’t dig his fingers into my skin.29

I close my eyes. ‘Jon, you said you wouldn’t do this anymore.’30

‘I said I wouldn’t hit you, but I damn well never said I wouldn’t still get mad at you.’ 31

I push his hand away from my face. 32

‘Don’t fucking touch me like that!’ Jon looks infuriated. This is just as bad as getting beaten. I close my eyes and turn my face away from him. ‘You’re not gonna talk to him while you’re here! If I catch you doing it again I swear to God I’ll beat the living hell out of you.’ 33

I look at him again but say nothing.34

He’s staring at me, breathing through his nose and I can see his nostrils flaring with each breath. ‘Don’t move.’35

Jon is off with a quickness, and I wonder what he’s doing. He’s not going to get anything to beat me with, but I’m sure he’s gonna find some way to punish me. Even though he won’t hit me, I’m still too intimidated to go against what he says. I don’t know why.36

Jon returns about two minutes later and slams a book, paper and a pen on the table in front of me. It’s a dictionary. I look at him strangely, almost as if to ask him if he’s serious.37

‘Copy it. The entire A section.’ he orders me.38

‘Uh, no.’ I say. I’m not doing it.39

Jon puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes his thumbs into my clavicle bones. This brings immediate pain and is almost paralyzing. Before I know it he has me slumped down into the couch, shouting in pain.40

‘I’m not gonna hit you, but I’m still gonna punish you. You’re gonna do what I say or you’ll discover other ways to regret it. You’re gonna copy the entire A section, and each time you fuck up, you’re gonna copy a different section. You’re gonna listen to me and you’re gonna do what I say. Or I’ll fuck you up.’ 41

During this little speech, I’m writhing and grabbing his hands, yelling ‘okay’ and ‘let go’ and ‘quit’. He finally lets go and pushes me forward. Trembling from fear and extreme anger, I slam the book open and begin to write.42

‘Copy it word for word. Write all the definitions and the pronunciations. Write everything in there exactly like it is.’ He orders me, standing over me as I write the first word. 43

Eighty-seven words later, my hand is cramping and my back is hurting. I’m six pages into the A section with eight to go. I’ll never be able to do this. 44

By the hundred and sixth word, I’m crying from frustration. I stop. ‘Okay, Jon, I get it. I’m not gonna go against you anymore.’45

‘You’re damn right you’re not, and you’re gonna start by finishing what I told you to do.’ He says simply. He’s sitting next to me watching TV, glancing over at me every once in a while. 46

‘Come on, Jon. I get it. I’m sorry.’ I know I’m getting nowhere with this.47

‘You better keep going. You’ll be at it all day with the rate you’re going.’ He’s not even looking at me anymore.48

I sigh loudly and turn back around, frustrated tears in my eyes. My writing is becoming steadily sloppier and darker. I pray this fucking pen runs out so I can take a break for a minute.49

‘You didn’t seem to have a problem writing your little bullshit stories by hand.’ Jon says.50

I’m hanging on his words, holding my breath, hoping he hasn’t discovered the book. I stop writing for a moment and wait for him to speak again, continuing when he doesn’t. 51

Hours later, I have one page to go. My wrist is sore from flipping pages and my hand is so pale and stiff that I’m waiting for it to fall off.52

Jon has been at my side the entire time, watching me to make sure I don’t stop. My vision has long since gone blurry and my back is killing me from being hunched over. I’m tired of sitting and have exhausted every different position possible.53

I think I’m learning the lesson he’s intended to teach me. I never want to look at another dictionary again, and I do know that before I go against him again I’m going to think about the consequences. In a way this punishment is worse than being beaten. A beating is quick and not quite as humiliating as being forced to copy definitions for four hours.54

About forty-five minutes later, I write the last word of the ‘A’ section, fold all the paper in half, stick it at the end of the section along with the pen, and close the dictionary. Slowly I sit up, working my hand and wrist in attempt to get rid of the soreness.55

‘You done?’ Jon asks in a smartass tone.56

I nod.57

‘Let me see it.’58

I slide him the dictionary and he opens it. He unfolds my paper and literally checks to make sure I wrote every word. I watch him in silence as he finishes and looks at me.59

‘Now do you get why I had you do this?’60

As painful as it is to admit to him that he’s right, I nod again.61

‘I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: maybe now you’ll think twice before you fuck with me again.’62