***NOTE: Second edit.***1
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Captain’s log… no… Captain’s twig: Star Date, 7th of the 11th 4036.3
We’ve been pottering around star 3,141 of the Twerp system for the last couple of days, after receiving a signal from an unknown sauce. It said something about ketchup vs. tomatoes, not sure exactly what that means, but nevertheless, we were then mysteriously issued orders from the admiral telling us to go find out. Now, I know you’re all saying, ‘what’s so strange about that?’ well, think about it, we’ve had a strange transmission, and then, suddenly, out of the blue… or black… we’re getting signals from Earth, which takes a few light years to get to from here. Now I ask you, how could they have known? It’s a conspiracy I tel- 4
…5
Oh no! They’ve found me, I must run. If someone hears this, you must get this to Sir Bob at the Institute of Nerdz. He’s expecting an update from me, and he’ll whoop my arse if I don’t get him one- 6
***7
‘This disk is full. Please insert new one and say Continue.’ 8
‘Oh for cryin’, bloody, fri’in, bleedin’, hell’sh, ye’lin’ ou’ loud!’ bellowed a voice which, as a Little Voice in my head politely informed me when I pondered whose, belonged to myself.9
I looked up at the sound of a door opening, straight into the… faces… staring at me. Which consisted of my first mate, Harry Smyth, and someone looking remarkably like Harry Smyth. The Little Voice pointed out that they were kinda moving around a lot, and asked if they were supposed to be merging into each other like that. That was a good question, so I voiced it. 10
‘Why ‘re you mov’n’ li’e tha’, Smyth? I mea’ shoul’n’t the edges be a bi’ more…’ I waited patiently for the Little Voice to supply me with the word I was after. ‘Solid. Tha’s the one. Shouldn’t you be a bi’ more solid,’ I finished, elated at my mastery of the English language. Though, when had the walls taken up ballet…? 11
The Smyth’s frowned in unison. ‘You haven’t, er, been drinking again, have you Captain?’ they queried. 12
‘Huh? Me, drinking?’ I snorted. ‘Nevah!’ 13
‘Oh. That’s good,’ said the Smyth’s. ‘Now, I have this little injection for you.’ They held up two massive needles and gave them the traditional squirt. ‘I’ll just give you this and you’ll feel much better.’ 14
It occured to me that Smyth’s eyebrows looked like tiny, furry caterpillars who had just come out of the barber. The Little Voice said he probably plucked them. Off what I wonder? ‘I feel fine!’ I declared. The Little Voice reminded me of the needles. ‘I don’t need your stinkin’ nee’les.’ 15
Funny how the floor seemed eager to meet me. The Little Voice said it’d have to wait, it had more important things to do. Like deal with the pain in my arm from those needles. 16
‘ARGH!’ I screamed. ‘That hurt!’ 17
‘How do you feel, sir?’ asked the Smyth’s as they merged into one, solid, figure. I also noted that the walls had given up dancing. Shame, they were getting good. The floor didn’t want to meet me anymore, either. I was very disappointed. 18
‘I feel bloody awful,’ I growled. 19
‘Very good, sir,’ said Smyth, ignoring my glare and standing to attention. ‘We’ve arrived at the source of the signal of unknown signal. Awaiting your orders, sir!’ 20
‘Fine. Whatever. I’m coming. Just let me get some clothes on first…’ 21
***22
The bridge was a large round affair, very enterprising in design. Much like someone had been given a list of parts, stuck them in a blender, and built what came out. Which made for some fascinating features. It was like being in a room designed by Escher. For that reason I limited the crew to working no more than four hour shifts. Anymore and you came out feeling like a Picasso painting. 23
Smyth and I stepped onto the bridge and plodded over to my seat below a plaque dedicated Admiral Thomas Dodge. A man whom I greatly admired. An ancient sailor back on Earth. Lived over 2,000 years ago. I can’t for the life of me remember why I admire him, or why I got the plaque, I think I was drunk and wanted to get a tattoo like he had. 24
‘Ok, whazzup?’ I asked. 25
One of the crew… can’t ‘member who… waved his hand around in a funny salute before smacking his forehead with enough force to set his left eyebrow into spastic twitches. ‘Permission to speak, sir!’ 26
‘Er, you had permission to speak when I asked what was up…’ 27
‘Yessir!’ 28
I waited. 29
I waited some more.30
‘Well…?’ 31
‘We have reached the source of signal, sir!’ His right eyebrow decided that it was being challenged to a twitching contest and joined in with gusto. 32
‘Oh-kay. Now tell me something I don’t know,’ I suggested, idly swinging around in my chair. 33
‘It gave us a message, sir!’ 34
Smyth shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. I don’t think he liked the ensign’s grasp of “important”. Which, appeared to me, to go along the lines of, “say sir, salute, and don’t make eye-contact.” 35
I sat watching his eyebrows compete while waiting for him to give the message. 36
Smyth gave in first. ‘Just tell us what the damn message is!’ he snapped. 37
The ensign cracked off another salute, this one to Smyth, and said smartly (though only in tone), ‘”We will be from the future, but then the past, now we will go to the present. P.S. Do you have any ketchup?” Sir!’ 38
‘Gee,’ said I, ‘that really makes a lot of sense…’ 39
‘Ah but, sir,’ said Smyth, ‘it did indeed sound tense.’ 40
‘Sir,’ began the man of Defence, ‘Permission to throw in my two cents.’41
I pondered about this and said, ‘Sure.’ 42
‘This disk is full,’ he said, in a strangely high-pitched voice.43
‘What?’ 44
‘I said,’ he said, ‘I suggest that we cover all bases and plan a decent defence and offence. We can’t have them catching us with our pants down!’ 45
‘Nothing about a full disk?’ I asked, refusing to let go.46
‘No,’ he stated firmly.’47
‘Oh. Alright then,’ I said. ‘A good plan, by the way, but it rather misrepresents our reason for being here.’ I paused before adding, ‘But, as my Daddy always said, “Better a planed offence then a hasty defence.” So go right ahead.’ 48
‘We have a visual of it now, sir,’ said Smyth, finally taking his seat next to me. 49
On the main screen - situated at the rear of the bridge - a flat, disk like object appeared in the middle. It was, according to the digital readout, about 20 metres across… and it was green. It looked rather like a giant pickle slice. 50
‘It looks rather like a giant pickle slice,’ I said. 51
‘Ah, yes,’ said Smyth, ‘Very astute observation I might add. Apparently it’s an escape pod from a Kluck Frisian Cye’s burger class star-ship.’52
‘Oh.’ I thought about this. ‘If it were an escape pod,’ I said slowly, ‘wouldn’t it be… you know, small, round and green?’ 53
Smyth turned and looked at me, his usual “I’m-surrounded-by-stoopeed-people” look on his face. ‘Yes. Indeed. But this is a officer class pod. It’s larger.’ 54
‘Well, let’s bring it in and see what’s up.’ 55
***56
I put the ship into Lemon Alert when the escape pod was docked, in case things went sour. If things really heated up I’d put it into Chilli Alert. 57
With my entourage scrambling to keep up I strode through the maze of corridors in search of the docking bay. Good thing I knew my way around this ship like the back of my head, I’d be hopelessly lost if I didn’t. Smyth didn’t like me saying that, I don’t think he thought I knew what the back of my head looked like. Fool, I was bald. It was smooth and shiny. Though, apparently I had a mole there that I didn’t know about…58
… Might explain why I was lost. 59
‘Smyth!’60
He scuttled up next to me. ‘Yes, sir?’ 61
‘Where the hell are we?’ I growled. 62
Smyth’s face remained emotionless, almost - I saw the flicker of his “surrounded-by-retards” look. ‘Just follow the flashing lights,’ he said, ‘that say, “This way to docking bay”.’ 63
‘… Of course!’ I declared. ‘I knew that!’ And marched down the corridor. 64
‘Ah, Captain, come to the bridge please?’ said Smyth patiently. ‘The docking bay is this way.’ He indicated up the corridor. 65
I glared at him. Bridge? Alcohol suppressants must be playing up and I was hearing things. I stalked back up the corridor. ‘Fine, you lead the way then.’ 66
***67
The escape pod looked much larger when you saw it up close. And less like a pickle slice. Three engineers were busy at, what I assumed was, the entrance. It always amazed me how fast they were able to cut the doors open. Thick titanium walls, with who knows what other heavy duty and very tough materials in it, and they were able to cut through with a blowtorch in a matter minutes. Amazing. 68
I found a seat on a toolbox and watched while they worked, pointedly ignoring the chap who seemed to want me to move so he could get to the toolbox. I wondered vaguely how long it’d take before he’d ask the captain to move. 69
Clang! 70
Faces turned picklewards at the sound. 71
And then deckwards as there was a near blinding flash and a hollow pop - like someone sticking their thumb in their mouth and pulling it out against their cheek. 72
Silence. 73
Will have rained. 74
We will have felt it - we will have heard it: A high pitched ringing noise. 75
The rain of silence will have been broken by me saying, ‘Damn. This will be weird…’76
Smyth’s face will have creased in a frown before he says, ‘Why will you be speaking in future tense, not —? I will not be able to use… behind… words, it will be really annoying…’ 77
I will have frowned at him. ‘What the hell will you be talking about?’ I will have said. ‘Bugger, this will be bizarre… We will have to find out what the hell will cause this and turn the bloody thing off.’ 78
‘I’ll agree.’ 79
***80
Soon we will have entered the escape pod to find out the cause of the tense situation. We will have seen that it resembles a pickle even more on the inside than the outside. Not that I —… dammit… Not that I — inside a pickle —. 81
‘Smyth!’ I will have bellowed. 82
‘Yes, Captain?’ 83
‘This will really start to piss me off soon.’ 84
‘Gee, I will never guess that…’ Smyth will have muttered caustically. 85
I will have rolled my eyes and continued into the ship. 86
Mere minutes later we will have discovered the control hub of the pod. We will have noticed the sole lever in the middle of the room. It is green with yellow stripes. I will have turned to Smyth and, clearing my throat, said, ‘You will pull it.’ 87
And Smyth will have replied, ‘Hell no… Sir.’ 88
‘Ah, I think the correct response will be, “Yessir!”.’ I will have pointed out blandly. 89
He will have glowered at me before sullenly stomping over to the lever and wrenching it back. 90
There was a flash, like the first, but longer. 91
I had opened my eyes and looked around. ‘O-kay… it appeared to… have… Bugger. It was still messed up.’ 92
Smyth had crouched and stared at the base of the lever. ‘It had appeared that the lever had a few positions.’ 93
I had wandered over to him and peered down in interest. ‘Indeed,’ I had said. ‘But you wouldn’t have noticed that because you had jerked it back so hard…’ 94
Smyth had glowered at me. ‘You should have been thankful, at least we could have spoken semi-normally then.’ 95
‘Tru dat.’ I had looked around the room. ‘You knew, we’d been so busy with sorting that speech problem out that we’d forgotten to wonder about something,’ I had said thoughtfully. 96
Smyth had looked at me in interest, raising one irritating eyebrow, damn he had gotten me so annoyed with that eyebrow. 97
‘That was a good point.’ He had scratched his chin, deep in what was probably thought, though one had never been able to tell with him. ‘What had the message said?’ he asked suddenly.98
I had thought about this and then yelled, ‘Ensign! What had been on the bloody message?’ 99
There had been the sounds of scrabbling footsteps - how that worked I couldn’t figure out - and the ensign who had delivered the message appeared. His hand had started the complicated motions of his salute before I interrupted him. 100
‘Just give the damn message!’ 101
This had stalled his brain, but he had rallied with remarkable lack of speed. ‘Message had run: ”We will be from the future, but then the past, now we will go to the present. P.S. Do you have any ketchup?” Sir!’ 102
I had thought about this, pacing around the room. ‘So appeared that present would be next. But, I thought that present would be a bit limiting. We wanted everything back, present, future and past. That must have had something to do with why no one is one board.’ 103
‘Why must it?’ Smyth had asked, without looking up from his inspection of the lever. 104
‘Well…’ I had started. ‘… It just must. OK?’ 105
He had glared at me, and kicked the lever. There was a clunk, blinding flash number three, and then… 106
A door opens behind me. It wasn’t there earlier… Out of the door way three large, yellow, cheesy textured aliens did not appear. 107
Three small, yellow, cheesy textured aliens, however, did. 108
I scream, so does Smyth, and we turn and run… 109
… Straight into the closed door of the exit. 110
The aliens start making strange warbling noises, much like someone trying to yell and whisper at the same time. 111
Smyth and I turn and face them. 112
‘What do you want?’ I scream. ‘Don’t hurt me! Take Smyth!’ 113
‘Captain!’ he exlaims as I shove him in front of me. 114
‘DoN’t Be StUpId,’ warbled the lead alien. ‘YoU hAvE SaVeD oUr ArSeS. WhY WoUlD wE hUrT yOu?’ 115
Blinking I peer at them over Smyth’s shoulder. ‘What?’ 116
The second alien emits what I suppose was a sigh. ‘He can not speak English, the universal language of the universe. I will translate for him, he says: “Don’t be stupid, you have saved our arses. Why would we hurt you?” 117
Smyth steps aside to give me a clear view of the aliens. 118
I step behind him and say, ‘Oh. Really?’ 119
‘YeS.’ 120
‘Yes,’ translates the second alien. 121
‘I see.’ 122
I think about this for a minute and now say, ‘OK, so who’s up for telling us what the hell is going on?’ 123
‘We WiLl TeLl YoU, bUt FiRsT wE mUsT sHoW yUo SoMeThInG!’ 124
We will tell you, but first we must show you something!’ 125
There was a deafening whoooooosh-clunk and the muffled voice of Smyth screaming something about flashing aliens and then blackness…126
***127
I opened my eyes. I was lying face down at my private desk, a female voice was droning something about ‘This disk is full. Please insert new one and say Continue.’ I lifted my head slowly. It hurt, a lot. There was a puddle of drool on my desk. I absentmindedly rubbed it off with my sleeve and looked around - slowly. Smyth stood in the doorway. 128
‘Captain?’ 129
‘Eh?’ 130
‘Are you all right?’ he asked. ‘I tried calling you over the intercom, but you didn’t answer.’131
‘Urgh… I think I must have passed out,’ I thought about this a bit, I had had a lot to drink. ‘You, um, wouldn’t remember any alien escape pods coming aboard would you?’ I asked hopefully. 132
He frowned quizzically at me. ‘No? Nothing has happened since the party last night.’ 133
‘Oh. No messed up tenses or anything?’ I asked, looking mildly disappointed. 134
‘Ah, nope. None at all.’135
‘No aliens speaking in strange warbling fashions?’ 136
‘None at all,’ Smyth said. ‘Oh, one of the ensigns reported a distress beacon.’ 137
I felt a cold chill settle on me, ‘It wouldn’t have anything to do, ah, with ”We will be from the future, but then the past, now we will go to the present. P.S. Do you have any ketchup?” would it?’ 138
Smyth thought about this. ‘Nope. Something about tomatoes and ketchup, but not the first bit.’ 139
I sighed happily. ‘Lets go check it out then.’ I stood. ‘Oh…’ I sat again. ‘But first, you got any of them alcohol suppressants?140
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Honorable mention
Bronze trophy winner
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
I ran out of inspiration and it was getting longer. Plus I couldn't work out how to end it cleanly. Not without another thousand words. So I chickened out and did the ol' dream sequence. But I went and added clues throughout the story pointing to the fact that it is a dream sequence, to those that can spot them. ^___^ 
(boy am I in big trouble 
).
Geri
