The First Class in Hell

Hello, my name is Martha Stewart and I'll be your instructor today for your first class in the inner workings of Hell.1

I like to call this class: Martha Stewart: Living in Hell.2

First off, I'd like to talk to you about Yellow. There is excruciating pain in every shade of yellow and I'd like you meditate on this for just a moment. Yellow that dreadful hue; think back to the polyester leisure suit and that itchy taffeta dress you wore to your prom, when you all thought that yellow was the “New Black”. Yellow, the garish day, that gangly eye-shadow you thought you looked attractive in, and that tasteless nail polish that wouldn't have looked good even on a clown. And let's not forget those buttons on your sweater when you were five that you thought were cute, but you knew deep down, everyone was really laughing at you and pretending to vomit when your back was turned. There, isn't that nice. Aren't we all feeling just a little bit better? 3

I'd just like to thank you all for that lovely moment with yellow.4

Next I'd like to move on to what I like to call, Hell's Culinary Delights.5

The dish I'd like to discuss with you most is Pork rinds and proper Pork rind etiquette.6

Most of you may have tried to make your own Pork rinds, but I'm sure that you prepared them completely incorrectly. Pork rinds are one of Hell's largest exports and now that you are here you are expected to prepare them as the rest of us do.7

For instance, I'll tell you about some of Hell's very own, five star chef's specialties.8

There's the simple Glazed Pork rinds or the more horrific Grilled orange sesame Pork rinds with steamed vegetables. Then there's dessert of Citrus Sponge Pudding, with Pork Rind sauce, or his infamous Peach Melba and Pork rind soufflé. 9

Now you all know why Andre is with us.10

Let's move on shall we? 11

Now I'd like to discuss some of the essential gardening aspects of Hell.12

As you will note the solid rock floor beneath you and the extraordinary amount or radiant heat, you'll know that this is the perfect place for cultivating Spam.13

This meat-like product, as you all will know grows best in Hell's eternal growing season.14

Some of the other harvested items include, Ovaltine, Velveeta, Marshmallow Fluff, and fat-free half and half.15

Now I know some of you will want to work your afterlife away trying to find out how we managed to get Windows Millennium to work as our primary operating system, or how we're the only place in the universe that has the complete rules to Parcheesi, but really what I'd like to talk to you about are the arts and crafts you may indulge in during your extended stay.16

If you're lucky, you'll be able to capture your uncle's soul between two sheets of glass and place it framed in the gallery of morons. Or if you're the adventurous type, you can try to sew those souls that you've caught together and make them all into a nice mural. Then of course there's always my favorite; Macaroni art.17

Now I'd like to move on to our last topic; decorating your cells.18

As you know, I've spent quite some time in cells, so I've got extensive experience in decorating them. Curtains are so last year and it really won't matter since none of you will have a window anyway.19

Flowers will not be provided, nor will any carpet. However you may petition the committee in regards to a flowered carpet, shag of course.20

The floor will be your primary dining and entertainment resource.21

If, during your stay with us, you are deemed especially “Hellish”, you will be awarded with a life-sized velvet Elvis. You may do with this as you please, but if you are caught talking to it, you will be shackled to Sonny Bono and forced to sing “I got you babe” for two millennia.22

For your decorating pleasure you will be given a small concrete throw pillow, a cot of indeterminate nature, a bail of slightly used musty, wet, straw, and 18 gallons of Martha Stewart high gloss paint, sunshine yellow.23