The Send-Off Party [1]

THE SEND-OFF PARTY [A PLAY]1

BY2

GODWIN S. U. INYANG3

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SYNOPSIS:5

‘THE SEND-OFF PARTY’ is a one-act play [with six main characters] based on the event of a secondary school’s send-off party. The scene is the premises and assembly hall of the school. The play opens with students hearing the school bell and hurrying to the assembly hall. 1ST and 2ND STUDENTS [who will later double as school comedians TRUANT and LATECOMER respectively] help guide us from the outside to the inside of the auditorium. MC initiates the party proper. 1ST and 2ND STUDENTS make running commentary on people and activities and anything of interest. CHAPLAIN [a minor character] opens the party with a short prayer. The all-girls’ cultural group, Abang, entertains. PRINCIPAL gives her life-enriching speech. The all-boys’ cultural group, Uta, entertains. IMA EKONG [ex-girls-senior-prefect] reads her speech crafted in a short-story format – the theme is on child trafficking, especially the girl child. Then 1ST and 2ND STUDENTS take the stage and become comedians, TRUANT and LATECOMER, and ask the question: why is it that they are always urged to replicate important personalities abroad but not the societies and institutions which produce them? They use Obama, McCain and Hilary Clinton to dramatize their points. ETEBONG UBONG [ex-boys-senior-prefect] reads his speech in the form of an ironic poem and mentions that in today’s politics of re-branding the country, his piece is a pointer to what he calls ‘fundamental re-branding’. MC seeks the guest of honour’s opinion on the piece. COUNCILOR [minor character] replies it is thought-provoking but that he had and still has one dream – to be a good politician and not a ‘politrickster’ [referring to points in the poem where ETEBONG UBONG calls politics, ‘politricks’ and democracy, ‘demote-crazy’. The play ends soon after this.6

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CAST8

MAIN:9

[1] MC10

[2] 1ST STUDENT [doubles as comedian, TRUANT]11

[3] 2ND STUDENT [doubles as comedian, LATECOMER]12

[4] PRINCIPAL13

[5] ETEBONG UBONG [ex-boys-senior-prefect]14

[6] IMA EKONG [ex-girls-senior-prefect]15

MINOR:16

[7] CHAPLAIN17

[8] COUNCILOR18

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SFX: [EXT.] A BELL CHIMES.20

1ST STUDENT: Latecomer, today I decided to come to school with you – I’m also late.21

2ND STUDENT: Truant, you’re only present in school during festivities. I hope with a hand-me-down jacket like yours all is well.22

SFX: HEELS CLICK ON GRAVEL.23

1ST STUDENT: When you step on those heels, did your mama see? You’re tilting dangerously on them.24

2ND STUDENT: [LAUGHING.] Cheeky, is that how to compliment a world-class model?25

SFX: BELL CHIMES INCESSANTLY.26

1ST STUDENT: We must hurry. I want to be there, start to finish – taking in everything.27

2ND STUDENT: Rumour-monger, would you dare miss the details? No wonder our school has no secrets.28

1ST STUDENT: [LAUGHS.] I wonder between you and I, who talks the most?29

SFX: HURRYING FOOTSTEPS EVERYWHERE.30

2ND STUDENT: [SHOUTING:] Who drowned in a perfumery?31

SFX: GIGGLES IN THE BACKGROUND.32

1ST STUDENT: After today’s send-off party, most of us must get ready for a stand-up with our parents at home. We all must account for all the stolen items – money, necklaces, perfumes and more.33

SFX: [INT.] FEET MOVE UP AND DOWN, SEATS ARE TAKEN AND GREETINGS ARE EXCHANGED. THE MICROPHONE IS TESTED. MC TAKES THE PODIUM AND THERE IS A SPELL OF SILENCE.34

MC: Hip, hip …35

AUDIENCE: Hooray!36

MC: Hip, hip …37

AUDIENCE: Hooray!38

MC: Are we ready?39

AUDIENCE: Ever ready!40

MC: I ask again: are we ready?41

AUDIENCE: Ever ready!42

MC: Hello and good morning everyone. As we all know today is a happy day for us all as we prepare to say to our outgoing dear seniors in a grand way, ‘farewell’. As you must have seen on the bottoms of the cards we sent out to the honoured guests we invited to grace today’s occasion, our party will stay that way: R.S.V.P. [AUDIENCE CHORUS ALONG WITH MC:] Rice, Stew Very Plenty. [MC CONTINUES:] But don’t soil your clothes. Don’t commandeer our invited guests’ seats. Don’t show to them our rowdy side. Hip, hip …43

AUDIENCE: Hooray!44

MC: Hip, hip …45

AUDIENCE: Hooray!46

MC: As we wait for the arrival of our guests, we’d keep listening to good jams from the sound system. You can bob your head, shake a little on your seat but please don’t take the floor. Reserve that for the end of the day. Our guests mustn’t get the impression we are a rowdy bunch. Hip, hip …47

AUDIENCE: Hooray!48

MC: Hip, hip …49

AUDIENCE: Hooray!50

SFX: NICE’S TRACK, ‘PARTY RIDER’ , PLAYS. MUSIC RECEDES TO THE BACKGROUND AS 1ST AND 2ND STUDENTS EXCHANGE BANTER.51

2ND STUDENT: Truant, did you even remember to invite your parents?52

1ST STUDENT: Latecomer, I know you don’t know anything – this isn’t my party. I’m only sending away the oldies so I can step into their shoes and be in charge of cutting the tails of the incoming ‘foxes’ and rule the ‘toads’ …53

2ND STUDENT: You’re power-drunk already! Did you see that? Did you …54

1ST STUDENT: War! With such flourishing ‘canopy’ headgear, can anyone see the front from behind her no matter how they crane? Those sitting close by her sides too would suffer from cramps to their necks as they constantly duck their heads from crashing with hers.55

2ND STUDENT: Mr. Jealous, our principal looks cute, simple. Give it to her! [2ND STUDENT PAUSES.] And again, see that did you?56

1ST STUDENT: Lord, she needs escort! Not only does the peacock need to compete with her, the tail of her dress sweeps the floor better than all our brooms.57

2ND STUDENT: [LAUGHING.] What won’t men complain about? You let the skirt stay up your knees, they say it’s riding up. You let it stay right at the ankle, they complain: ‘Oh, we are tripping up on it!’ Mama, give it to them!58

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, please, may we give a standing ovation to our one and only ward councilor, the guest of honour of today’s event, for finding the time to grace our humble occasion. The Honourable Ita Effiom. Hip, hip …59

AUDIENCE: Hooray!60

SFX: UNRESTRAINED APPLAUSE FOLLOWS.61

MC: Thank you and please make yourselves comfortable back in your seats.62

SFX: SOUND OF ACTIVITY IN THE AUDIENCE RECEDES TO THE BACKGROUND AS 1ST AND 2ND STUDENTS CONVERSE.63

2ND STUDENT: You didn’t mention anything about his flowing gown. I hope the generator doesn’t go kaput or else he would be looking for where to offload his bundles of cloth.64

1ST STUDENT: Eh, you pity him? Me I’m used to not having electricity months on end. I would be too pleased to see our councilor wriggle a moment in same heat!65

2ND STUDENT: Why?66

1ST STUDENT: Y? Of course, Y has two branches and one tail. [1ST STUDENT LAUGHS.]67

2ND STUDENT: Then you have absolutely nothing to complain about.68

1ST STUDENT: Seriously though, it would be right and proper to see those at the top tasting what we at the bottom are daily fed with. Such experience would make them to be creative positively with power.69

2ND STUDENT: Talking about creativity, would our departing senior prefects as is customary give us some creative speeches today?70

1ST STUDENT: Your customary lateness made you miss the announcement. We were told it’s going to be a short story by the girls’ senior prefect and a poem by the boys’ senior prefect.71

2ND STUDENT: And you were lucky to come to school on that day!72

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, now we have everyone seated soon you all will have what I have in hand [MC RUSTLES HIS PROGRAMME] so that today’s event73

will start and end smoothly as planned.74

SFX: PROGRAMMES ARE RUSTLED.75

MC:[CONTINUES:] The Chaplain would with a short prayer kick-starts the event proper. We can’t do anything without the help of the Almighty Father. Sir, you’re welcome.76

SFX: A HUSH FALLS ON THE HALL AS CHAPLAIN TAKES THE PODIUM.77

CHAPLAIN: Let’s bow down our hearts as we invite the Almighty Father to bless this occasion with his presence – may the beginning be happy and the end too. In Jesus’ mighty name we pray.78

AUDIENCE: Amen.79

SFX: SOUND IN THE HALL RECEDES AS 1ST AND 2ND STUDENTS CONVERSE.80

1ST STUDENT: If I may quote our CRK master verbatim: ‘Why do we wrap ourselves around God so much yet hardly embrace him?’81

2ND STUDENT: Why ask?82

1ST STUDENT: In every event from child naming ceremony to hanging a felon we invoke the name of God and pray, wouldn’t that just make this country one of the best?83

2ND STUDENT: Praying to God is one thing and having conscience another. We pray but do not have sound consciences. That’s it.84

MC: To whet our appetite for greater things coming, we would invite the school’s Abang cultural group to entertain.85

SFX: THE DANCING FEET OF A GIRLS’ ONLY GROUP DRUMMING AND SINGING MOVE TO THE PODIUM. THE MUSIC RECEDES TO THE BACKGROUND AS 1ST AND 2ND STUDENTS CONVERSE.86

2ND STUDENT: I don’t know what materials the female anatomy was made with: seemingly fragile yet flexible. See how the young ladies wriggle to the drums.87

1ST STUDENT: [LAUGHS.] Praising yourself when not praised?88

2ND STUDENT: See how they gently lower down and rise up. Their dance makes boys’ dance looks like boys’ backs were made of wood.89

1ST STUDENT: No argument, Miss, I give it to girls. But some boys can dance better too.90

2ND STUDENT: You say some boys but I say most girls do it best.91

SFX: MUSIC RESURFACES AND REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN ABRUPTLY STOPS. A ROUSING APPLAUSE FOLLOWS. THE GROUP DEPARTS THE PODIUM.92

MC: Hip, hip …93

AUDIENCE: Hooray!94

MC: Hip, hip …95

AUDIENCE: Hooray!96

MC: I can proudly say this party is on the right footing.97

AUDIENCE: Yes o!98

MC: Need more of it?99

AUDIENCE: Yes o!100

MC: Then we are getting more of it. But first I would invite our highly esteemed principal, wise and knowledgeable in the ways of life, so very apt as today mark our sending off a very fine bunch of our youth to confront the real world, to give us a comforting and life-enriching speech. Madam, you’re welcome.101

PRINCIPAL: Thank you all. Hip, hip …102

AUDIENCE: Hooray!103

PRINCIPAL: Hip, hip …104

AUDIENCE: Hooray!105

PRINCIPAL: Everything with a beginning definitely does what?106

AUDIENCE: Has an end.107

PRINCIPAL: And so today, our beloved SS3 students, those who were serious with their studies and did not break our school’s rules with abandon, are ending with us though in fact they are actually beginning their new life in the real world and we have the unshakeable belief that the good things they imbibe while with us they would take outside, to their places of work, tertiary institutions and careers. I hope what we are sending out today are a fine breed of artisans, scientists and sportspersons not streetwalkers and kidnappers. Not coup plotters and people the Economic and Finance Crime Commission [EFCC] and Interpol would be chasing about …108

SFX: ROAR OF LAUGHTER.109

PRINCIPAL: [CONTINUES:] Not people our legislative bodies would throw out for having in their possession forged certificates and degrees …110

SFX: ROAR OF LAUGHTER.111

PRINCIPAL: I hope we are sending out men and women who would be proud to have their names affix in halls of fame of this world and that this school would be proud to associate with.112

SFX: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.113

PRINCIPAL: I remember too we suspended two or three for weeks for being good with their fingers or fists …114

SFX: MURMURS AND LAUGHTER.115

PRINCIPAL: Please, as you go out, if you ever have the urge to do it again, let it be as actors and actresses in popular movies. This school will be proud to associate with Oscar and Golden Globe awardees. If you do those silly things again in the real world and are caught, know you will spend long years of your young life behind high prison walls and coming out and catching up with your mates has not always been that easy. May none of us ever find ourselves in this sad situation.116

AUDIENCE: Amen.117

PRINCIPAL: At the end of today’s event this school will award distinguished outgoing students with gifts. But this will never be an end to the achievements of this set or those118

following after. It will only be a model for what this institution expects of each and her every student – go out there, do excellent things and keep winning laurels. We would always call you back to this auditorium to celebrate with you. Thank you all.119

SFX: PROLONGED ROUND OF APPLAUSE.120