The next morning I woke up at 5:am and hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. I usually did this anyways because my dad would wake up and take a shower then come wake me up at 6:am. Well this morning was different. This was the morning that would change my life forever. 1
The next thing I knew I sat up in bed and it was 7:am. I thought that my dad had just slept in and didn't hear his alarm clock. So I got up and went to his room. My sisters had gotten up sometime during the night and got in bed with him. They usually did because they were still afraid of the dark. So I woke them up and told them to get dressed, then I went to my brothers room and woke him up and told him to get ready also. 2
Then I went bake to my dad's room and said,"Dad wake up it's 7:10." He didn't move so again I said,"Dad wake up it's 7:10 we are going to be late." He still didn't move so I walked over to him and put my hand on his back. It was ice cold. I knew something wasn't right and started to cry. My brother and sisters came into the room and said,"What's wrong with daddy?" I didn't know what to tell them all I could do was think of the worst. 3
After about 20 more minutes of trying to wake him up I decided I would go to the 7-11 down the road and call 911. So I told my brother and sisters to sit on the couch and don't move or open the door for anyone. Then I put my slippers on and walked out the door with 50 cents in my hand. After about walking 20 minutes down the road I though,"What am I doing? I cant make it to 7-11." So I decided to go to one of the neighbor's house and call from there.4
I went to the first house I could and knocked on the door. I was crying when the man answered the door. He said,"Honey what's wrong?" I told him that my dad was down the road and I couldn't get him to wake up. He let me in and told me where the phone was. I called my grandma and asked her to come to the house cause I couldn't get dad to wake up. She told me she would be right there.5
The man by this time had woke his wife up to tell her he was going down the road to help me out. We walked down to my house and the man asked me what my my dad's name was. I told him it was David. He walked in the house and went to my dad's room. When he walked in he said,"David wake up." "David please wake up your kids are here and they are scared." My dad still didn't move so the guy started doing CPR and told me to go tell his wife to call 911.6
I knew then that something was wrong. I started to cry even harder than before. I walked out the door and the woman was on her way to my house I told her that her husband said to call 911 and she picked up the phone and called right away. The ambulance showed up 30 minutes after we called and rushed in the house. My grandma showed up 10 minutes after they did and she too rushed in the house. I remember hearing her scream,"Is my baby OK." "Is my baby OK." She walked out the house 20 minutes later crying. I knew something was wrong for sure right then because I have never seen my grandma cry in my whole life. 7
About 30 minutes later they brought my dad out on a stretcher and I went crazy. I jumped out the car and ran towards him but they wouldn't let me see him. I dropped to my knees and started screaming,"Why me?" "Why me?"8
My grandma called the rest of the family to let them know what had happened. They announced my dad dead at 9:am that morning. My Aunt Tonya's dad,Bud,took us to their house and told us my Aunt Katie would pick us up later.9
Author notes
Ok chapter 2 the story is really coming together I think. Well read and let me know what you think too. Chapter 3 should be posted tomorrow.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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How tragic. This is heart breaking. I feel such pain in this story. It's very real and it makes me want to reach out to you.
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wow you gave me chills as I kept reading very well done I think you did a good job on this. You really held my attention on this
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Very well done! Simply put, story progresses smoothly
You got my attention very fast, and held it all the way.
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Showing the serfs my backside.
I must apologize in advance. If I had any idea that this story would be of such a personal nature, I would not have read it. That being said, I must give notice to the "people" who have wronged you on so many levels: You so-called poets need to take a lesson from one who knows. NEVER kick one of your own when she's down. This is not the time for a poetic critique. You've basically reached your hand into this poor childs grave and mussed her dads hair. You should hang your heads in shame, and dedicate a poem to her in supplication. But I know that your souls are too small for that. Just keep sticking your faces into your dog food bowls and leave real life to those who live it. Ok? -
So Sad
Not everyone feels as the others who have commented do. Having experienced trauma at a young age I know that whatever you do this will all come out just so. I am certainly able to feel the pain and know about the replaying of events over and over until there is only one way to tell it.
You are doing a great job on this and I am eagerly awaiting the next installment. It is your story, tell it as you wish and if no one else reads it, I will. At least you will get an original comment instead of follow the leader. Keep writing BG it is good for the soul.
You were very adult and responsible at a young age and did better than many, so called, grown-ups would have. I am so sorry that this is not fiction. You done good. RED -
Sorry some of ya'll feel the way you do but I am writing exactly what happened. Sorry. Hope you like it more as it comes along.
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I'd have to say "Ditto!" I just didn't feel anything...just work on it!!!
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Wow i really like it, the story is good but i also agree with what the others have said. Keep going its gonna be good
Daemon
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This was too calm. It wasn't emotional enough to get us thoroughly interested. And I really didn't like the part where you dropped to you knees to cry "Why me?" It was so cliche that I wasn't able to feel the pain you were.
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Although the implied feelings are there and the story line is set, I couldn't help but realize how terse the language and setting was. Try and involve the reader by invoking some dark imagery. That way, those not familiar with a similar situation may be able to grasp the emotion of the moment.
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good with some touchups
This story seems really impersonal and doesn't really flow. I don't mean to sound harsh, just telling you what I think. Describe the setting more to get the reader in the moment a bit.
Edited on Jun 23, 9:51 because ''.
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