Ever green devotion

A middle aged man and woman, clumped together in a closed sized doctors office. Weary eyed and worried, Saski held Roe by the arm, supporting his slanting body. A manila folder was present in her arms, and in between lies the fatal news she read with violet bags under her eyes. He too, scanned the grayscale pages… and a suffocating silence enveloped the claustrophobic room. Motor Neurone Disease. He slowly skimmed over the words: pass away in less than 12 months. I am to die silent, paralyzed, caged. Dr Barbitue remained quiet, his creased forehead intense with worry. With a nod from Saski, Dr brought out the wretched wheelchair, and slowly shuffled Roe with wobbly, nervous hands till he was seated. This chair is so confining. Its only just the beginning.. I won’t be alright. I am to die, suffocated by my own lungs. And I will have to leave Saski all alone on this planet. I cannot go through with this. This horrible case of bad luck. God- have mercy on my sweet soul, and Saski’s too- let this pass. Roe reached out for her hand with difficulty, as if he wasn’t controlling his own body. Saski’s eyes slowly closed as she stroked his hand blankly. 1

Dr Barbitue led them to their beaten up old yellow car, and safely pated the creaking door closed. As the soft grey rain splashed on the windows, sounds resonated in Saski’s mind, the tension almost deafening. She continued sending Roe protective glances, yet he barely noticed as he stared out the window at the stormy clouds. Motor Neurone Disease. What a name. A name that just opens up all the windows of pain in my heart. Collapsing lungs- a fate no one should have to suffer, yet I sit here limp in my car seat, a vegetable and burden to my wife… Slow suffocation. I would rather kill myself. The words ‘kill myself’ repeat in his mind, and the worries cease like his last months of life will. This is it! –Suicide; overdose or bullet. I cannot be tranquil in this slow suffocation. Tranquil- tranquilizer overdose. Euthanasia. For the first time since a month ago when the retched symptoms began, Roe opened his mouth and spoke. ‘oothanssiaaeh’ his mouth quivered. 2

Searching for various words that sounded similar to euthanasia, Saski could not locate one- she knew exactly what Roe wanted from her. Tears welled in her upturned black eyes and she parked the car into the driveway. After much struggle they were safely in their altogether comfortable home. Euthanasia. If only I could walk. If only I could get up and live. ‘Do you want me to make you some… stir-fry now?’ she tried to sound as calm as she could, but really her heart was collapsing. Roe nodded his head eagerly, his movements exaggerated. At least I can move my head. At least I can eat. At least I can breath…for now. ‘ihwoolhave dihnerrr rnoaw pwlease’ his words slurred as he spoke, yet he smiled reassuringly presenting to her with evidence that he is happy to eat her over cooked soy noodles. Saski smiled lightly, sucking fresh air into her lungs. She stopped and thought solemnly- I shouldn’t be the one to be breathing hastily. 3

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Seven months passed and slowly Roe had deteriorated, his posture slumped and hunched. Their conversations had turned to grey, but the word euthanasia echoed in both of their minds. No longer did the passion that the couple shared lie present, Mr. and Mrs. Hamasoah stale, as if their bodies were controlled by nothingness. My lungs will collapse in less then two months… Euthanasia. I cannot bear this torment. My brain functions completely the same as it always has, so why can I not move? Why must I be fed by my own wife? This life, my life, ends in nothingness, in this frozen body and my frozen heart. ‘ooofahnaeirassiaaehha’ he stuttered quietly. His words were tied smoothly together, but Saski knew exactly what he meant. Mercy killing. Murder. They lay quietly in the darkness with the window shutter open, letting in streams of cream moonlight. 5

Saski’s heart was pounding as she reached for Roe’s relaxed hand. Come on arm, grab her hand… grab it. Have mercy on me, let me hold her hand. Roe’s eyes filled with grief as his hand remained still. ‘I love you’ she whispered. ‘I’ll do it. For you’. Tears welled up in both of their eyes, but only Saski sobbed out loud. I love her so much. Why can’t I move my arm? I’m trapped in my own body. She is willing to loose her husband, me…just so I don’t suffer. Just for me. I cannot go through with this, I must stay with her. I must. ‘wwaaaiittehh’ he protested, struggling to pronounce his words. How can I risk her going to jail for this crime? This is illegal. She will loose everything. I cannot do this. ‘It’s ok love, it will happen soon’ she whispered. Her eyes fluttered shut, and they slept in silence. Roe dreamed of a cowering cub, trapped under the weight of a hungry lion, and Saski dreamed of loneliness in a rusty jail cell. 6

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Three more months passed. Months like the sand in the downturned hourglass, slowly fading away like Roe was. The crimson and sandy gold autumn leaves falled, Roes favorite month. My favorite season to die in. Roe faded like the weltered leaves, and Saski started to decompose in the rotting bin of denial. The once love struck couple spoke no more. Dr Barbitue turned up alone, without his usual clipboard of doctor’s notes. Again, worry creased his face. ‘I must inform you, that Mr. Hamasoah will be moving temporarily to the intensive care section of the hospital. You have less than 3 hours to make up your decision. If the answer is yes, do come.’ He croaked solemnly. Before Saski could answer, Dr Barbitue left hastily, his roaring car engine echoed in the distance. 8

They left jittery, panic ran through Saski’s mind- it was time. She had visited Dr Barbitue last month, and they had spoken of a plan. At first they were to slowly follow the process- with each pain killer Roe’s heart was to pump slower. Saski could not bear this heartache, so the plan had been changed drastically. ‘There is a huge risk of going to jail if we get caught. Are you aware of this?’ the Doctor had questioned gravely. Saski had only nodded her fragile head and downcast her eyes. 9

Dr Barbitue had always done anything for Saski, no matter how high the risk- he was her second shadow, ready at any moment. She slowly wheeled Roe in and her tears flowed like the pattering rain outside. Her chest shook constantly as it constricted around her heart. The empty halls lay silent and the faint footsteps of Dr were heard above the rain. He met her eye, and they exchanged grave looks of woe-filled worry. There was a fluttering bird in Saski’s stomach that lay tight in her throat. They were led into an unnaturally incandescent room- a scent of disinfectant and winter fog roamed about the air. This is it. Through deaths weary doors I pass. How can I leave poor Saski here, here to wither like a lonely lion cub- unsheltered and venerable? I risk not only her, but Dr Barbitue going to jail- jail for a mercy killing. I cannot hold her. I cannot say I’m sorry. How I long to end my misery, but now dear Saski’s misery will begin. I am a selfish immobilized wretch. My life will end by a mercy killing. If only I could change the past and just make Saski happy. 10

Roe was seated on a grey dentist-like chair, a liquid pipe attached to his nose and bloodstream. Saski sat on a small stool, her head lowered and her vine-like hands wrapped around Roe’s. Dr Barbitue was a quiet cloud, hovering over and causing the storm- he was readying the injection. This is it. I cannot tell her I love her. I cannot squeeze her hand. I don’t want to leave this way. Oh, God, Saski- I love you so much. I beg whoever is there listening to my mind- PLEASE don’t let Saski go to jail. Has justice no means of mercy? Can’t they see our position? Please, have mercy on her dear soul- let her be safe. Dr Barbitue nodded gravely, his eyes suddenly sharp with focus. The steel blade was inserted into Roe’s blood stream and his body began to move slightly- for the first time in months. A cold, violent shiver ran down Saski’s spine, her body shook profusely with trauma. This is it. The lights are fading, the darkness is so close. I guess I won’t be getting my heaven after all- I really have heaven on earth… with Saski. Please God, if your there, keep her hidden from the court of Justice. Show her leniency- as she did to me. Have…-.Roe’s eyes flapped shut, his body loose and carefree- and he basked in his wife’s mercy. 11

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I lie here rotting away in my jail cell, reminiscing about the past. Dr Barbitue fled the country has not been heard of ever since. Roe- he still remains in my heart. Just thinking about our ever green love. Looking back on my seven years wondering as a live corpse in this murky cage, I know I would never change my decision. My remaining years grow dim and dark as the raven’s coat. I am to die here. May God have mercy on me which was not so freely given to me by human justice. Let death free my engrossed soul of despair- let my Roe return to my withered side. 13