The Bedlam Virus

The first time I saw him, he was dying.1

I shouldn’t have been outside in the first place. It was too dangerous, what with the Bedlam Virus infecting half of America’s population. But my cat, Behemoth (a huge, orange pain in my butt), had escaped from my home when I’d opened the door for a few seconds. Stupid of me, yes, and now I was paying for it. I had grabbed my flashlight before walking out of the house. For some reason, I had an intense fear of the dark. Go figure.2

Twenty minutes later, I found Behemoth a few blocks down from my home, curled against a man who was covered in blood. Judging from the multiple gaping wounds covering his body, the blood was his own. I also could tell that it was a virus-induced attack. I should have felt panic, horror, maybe disgust. But the cold, analytical side of me pushed to the forefront of my mind, and I quickly went to the victim’s side. I did a rapid evaluation of his wounds. One gash beneath his sternum, another on the right side of his throat, three wounds on both arms, and one high on his leg. With closer inspection, I noticed that they were bite marks, not gashes. I didn’t have any of my medical supplies with me. His injuries had stopped bleeding, which meant the virus was already taking over. Unless he was dead, wounds of this magnitude didn’t simply stop on their own. 3

I should have killed him and saved him the torture of the virus, but looking upon his features, I realized that I couldn’t do it. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to. At least, I told myself it was because of my conscience and not my fascination with the man. He had the looks of a fallen angel. His hair was jet black, but his skin was a glowing alabaster. The contrast of the two was stunning. The perfect lines of his cheekbones and jaw were thrown into sharp relief from the moonlight, and his face was strangely untouched by all of the blood. Perhaps the creatures that attacked him were unwilling to mar such a beautiful face. 4

With my Swiss Army Knife, I cut off the sleeve of my sweatshirt and then cut that into strips. I wrapped the cloth around his wounds quickly, even though they were no longer bleeding. When I tried to move the man, Behemoth meowed at me, drawing my attention to the overweight feline. 5

“You got me into this mess,” I scolded with no heat. “No kitty num-nums for you tonight.”6

The man stirred, coming out of his virus-induced coma. One eye opened in a slit, but I was able to tell that his irises were an electric blue. Humor glinted in his eyes. “But I like kitty num-nums,” he said with a slight smile, his voice a weak rasp. 7

Shocked, I stared down at the victim, marveling at his ability to joke when he was clearly in pain. My heart ached that yet another innocent person was going to be lost to the virus. Just like... 8

Finding myself surprisingly close to tears, I cut off that thought. 9

“Do you think you can walk?” I asked him. “I’ll help support you, but I can’t carry you back to my home by myself.” The decision surprised me, but I realized taking him into my home was the right thing to do. 10

He flexed his hands and wiggled his appendages cautiously. He tried lifting himself onto his elbows, and when that was successful, he mustered his strength and lifted the whole upper half of his body. His arms shook with strain, but he was able to sit up. His breathing became somewhat labored. I wanted to reach out and help him, but something in me recognized his need to do this on his own. As he stood, I stood, taking the reluctant Behemoth into my arms. That was the first time I noticed the vial on the ground. It was filled with a glowing white liquid. I managed to pick it up and put it in my pocket before he swayed alarmingly where he stood, and I fit myself underneath his arm to support him. I felt a feminine thrill at his large size. He was much taller than my five-nine, and I wasn’t small for a woman. 11

Ignoring the feminine part of me, I said, “We’re going to start walking, okay? We’ll go at a speed comfortable for you.”12

I felt him nod, and I could tell that he had spent a lot of energy with just standing up. Feeling pride at his strength, slowly but surely, we started walking down the street. It was nearly deserted at two o’clock in the morning, but I knew the people who attacked him couldn’t be too far away, so I kept my guard up. Eventually, we were on the porch of my house. I could feel the man shaking with exhaustion, but walked into my house once I unlocked the door. 13

Taking the very thing I was trying to fight inside my sanctuary went against every rule I possessed. I ignored the urge to panic and kill the man I now supported. I helped him lay down on the couch, where he seemed to lose all semblance of strength. He sprawled there as if his limbs were noodles, which was probably what they felt like. He seemed to be struggling to stay awake, but his eyelids were drooping and his head lolling.14

“Go to sleep,” I urged softly. “You need your rest.” He would want as much peace as he could get before the beast took over.15

“Wait,” he said. His voice was merely a strained whisper. “What’s your name?”16

“Delilah,” I said, my heart aching. “And what’s yours?”17

“Asher.” The side of his mouth curled upwards into a ghost of his real smile. Butterflies tickled my stomach at the sight of it. He was charming even in the worst of times. Turning away, I thought to myself, if I find that little smirk so appealing, what would a full-fledged grin do to me?18

I kneeled on the floor beside him, knowing he would want comfort. I knew from experience that the dreams were the worst part of having the sickness. Caressing his baby-soft hair, I stared down at his relaxed face.19

“Why did you rescue me?” Asher asked, his eyelids flickering. “I’m infected now. You could have just left me in the alley, where I would have been killed or taken in by ones like me. Either one wouldn’t have been desirable, but no normal person would have taken such a risk.”20

“I never said I was normal,” I said gravely, and before he could say anything, I grabbed the syringe on the table behind me and put him to sleep.21

***22

I knew my guest was awake when I heard a large crash. Looking up from my notes, I sighed and walked out of my study. No doubt Asher would be angry with me for forcibly putting him to sleep. The fact that I had strapped him to a stretcher while he was sleeping might cause some distress as well, I supposed. He didn’t have to know about the blood sample I’d taken.23

I entered the basement to see the stretcher flipped on its side. Asher was struggling madly, his head whipping from side to side, his prone body trying to buck beneath the restricting bands. The fact that he’d been able to flip the stretcher at all was amazing. I made a mental note. 24

I righted the stretcher, and faced a furious Asher. The beast had awakened when it wasn’t supposed to make an appearance until at least three days after the attack. His eyes were completely enveloped in black, and his teeth were jutting out of his mouth as if they were too big to fit. The veins in his arms and legs were swollen and pulsing right beneath the skin. Claws had grown on the edge of his fingers. I made another mental note. The beast was weak, but it was clearly there. Was this a new strain? A faster, deadlier one? A ball of panic formed low in my stomach, and I squashed it fiercely. Panic didn’t do any good in situations such as this.25

Growls rumbled from his chest, and his mouth was curled into a snarl. “Release me,” he growled, his voice strange. Coinciding, the voice of the beast and man emerged from his throat in a menacing manner.26

“No,” I said distractedly. Staring at him, my mind swirled. Now that I had a specimen to do with as I pleased, there were infinite possibilities. Anyone the disease infected was almost impossible to run tests on, because the ones who infected the victim always took them back to their nest. Why hadn’t they taken this one? When I’d first found him, there was dry blood crusted all around his wounds, meaning that he had been there for at least a few hours. It didn’t make sense that he would be attacked, and then abandoned. Had they presumed him dead? The disease tended to erase human characteristics.27

The Bedlam virus was a new sickness that had recently developed as a biochemical tool to enhance the military. It had been a hormone that was designed to create a second being inside of the person--one that had the senses and instincts of an animal, but was still able to think like a human.28

Of course, information from the lab leaked, and someone betrayed the top secret organization to an enemy nation. They had taken that vitamin and warped it into a virus that completely took over the human mind and made them crave chaos and destruction. It was passed from person to person by saliva—a bite, a kiss, or a lick, and you were infected. 29

Our own virus was being used against us. Five years later, it was now 2035 A.D., and still no cure had been found. The entire country of America was almost deserted. Everyone had either fled the virus, or become infected. There were a few brave souls who were willing to withstand the danger of living in such a place, but with more people getting infected everyday, how long would they be able to hold out? 30

I felt the full weight of the world press down on my shoulders. I had to find a cure—I had to.31

***32

Three hours later, after putting Asher to sleep again, I was inspecting the vial that I had discovered by Asher’s body. I could test it to see its contents, but that might harm whatever was in there. Shrugging, I set it down and decided to just ask Asher about it later.33

An hour later, Asher’s blood results came through. I studied them carefully. The blood cell’s usual coloring was tainted black, and I suspected it was that taint that was causing the virus. If something could latch on to the blood cell, it would have full access to the victim’s whole body, including the brain. Was it possible that if I could find something to counteract that taint, I would be able to nullify the whole beast? I felt as if I was on the verge of discovering something big.34

Delighted with my progress, I went downstairs again to check on Asher. I felt guilty about strapping him down, but it was for the best. When I entered the basement I was relieved to see that he was coherent. It was only when the victim was feverish that the beast took over. You’d think that the problem would be solved if you just made sure the patient never had a fever, but, of course, it wasn’t so simple. The beast was always existing in the victim’s mind, like a shadow—quietly persuading, quietly taking over their bodies. 35

How did I know all of this so well when no one has ever gotten close enough to one to observe its behavior? My mother, who had been a brilliant scientist, had died of the virus. When she was lucid, she allowed me to put her in a cage and note the way the beast worked. It broke my heart every time when I thought about how she had taken her own life because she couldn’t live with the beast anymore. With each day that passed, the beast would get stronger, until there was nothing human in her left.36

***37

I approached her cage, my heart a block of burning ice, and slid a tray of bloody meat underneath the small gap in the door. I heard a growl, and the gruesome sound of teeth tearing into meat. Tears silently leaked down my cheeks, which always happened when I saw my mother like this—her snowy hair in disarray around her pale skull, veins pulsing hugely beneath her nearly translucent skin, and the mindless killer that was reflected in her blood red eyes.38

She had been like this for two months now, and I knew that I couldn’t keep her trapped in that horrible existence any longer. I had to let her go.39

I clutched the syringe in my hand so hard I thought it was going to break. The meat had been seasoned with a tranquilizer, and it was taking effect already. My mother was on her side when I entered her cage, her breathing labored. I gently took her fragile body into my arms.40

The bloody taint in her eyes slowly receded, revealing the piercing green of their true color. Confusion colored her unfocused gaze.41

“Mom,” I said, my throat aching. “I love you, and I’ll always love you. Please, finally…please be at peace.”42

The lines in her face grew even deeper as she realized what I meant. Her body was strained—I could feel her fighting the beast off.43

With a shuttering breath, she nodded slightly. Her chapped, pale lips parted and said, “It’s time.”44

A sob escaped me. I pressed the syringe to her frail arm, my hand shaking. I was frozen that way.45

“I can’t do it,” I whispered.46

Her gnarled hand pressed against mine, pushing the needle into her flesh. Her thumb pressed down and she injected herself. “My Delilah, my sweet, sweet Delilah,” she crooned, her eyes shining with something I thought I’d never see again—love. “It’s okay, my sweet Dandelion. It’s okay. I’m going to join your father.”47

Her fingers caressed my cheek, and tears flowed unchecked down my face, splashing on to her.48

“Don’t cry, love.” She smiled, and for a moment I saw my old mom, the real one—the optimistic, bouncy, bubbly woman who had been the only rock in my life for so long. “I love you, Delilah.”49

A guttural cry was ripped from my throat as her eyelids flickered, and finally slid closed. Her body relaxed with the gentle blanket of death. I sobbed, I raged, and I cried as I clutched my mother to me.50

Now, I was truly alone.51

***52

God help me, I would not let that happen to Asher. I had seen too much in my twenty eight years. I refused to let another innocent die.53

Wiping away a stray tear, I saw Asher lying on the stretcher, his eyes closed, his breathing deep. His skin was pale, but no longer had the pulsing veins, and his mouth was normal again. He was coherent but asleep. I pulled up a chair and sat next to him, stroking a hand through his hair. Whether it was more soothing to him or me, I would never know.54

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” I whispered. “Even if it takes my whole life, I will find a cure, and then—who knows? Maybe we can, I don’t know, go out for a date or something.” My voice was awkward as I prattled on to his unmoving form. “I never really dated much, even before the virus hit. All I did always concerned work, and becoming a doctor. It consumed all other plans. I guess it was kind of like tunnel vision. I had no friends. In fact, I think everyone was wary of me. My mom said it was because my peers were jealous, but I know the truth. I look like a freak. Who’s ever heard of black, silver streaked hair on a twenty eight year old? And my eyes are such a pale gray that they’re at times translucent.”55

“I think you’re beautiful.” 56

Startled, my gaze jerked to his. He was conscious? Heat washed up my neck to scorch my cheeks. Not knowing what to say, I gaped like a fish. 57

He smiled, dimples forming in his cheeks. Strapped down to a stretcher, infected with a deadly virus, and he still smiled. Some of the ice around my heart started to melt.58

“You’re cute when you’re surprised,” he said, eyes twinkling. 59

Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I felt an uncharacteristic blush tinge my cheeks. To distract us both, I said, “Well, now that you know about me, how about telling me some things about you? Where are you from, how old are you, what are you doing here in Massachusetts…?”60

“I’m from New York, but I came here because I heard of a brilliant doctor who was rumored to have more knowledge of the virus than anyone else. And I also wanted to give her something…” The lines around his electric eyes tightened with stress and he clutched his head as if in pain. “I can’t remember...” He shook his head as if to clear it and said, “Anyway, I wanted to learn from her, so that I might be able to one day find a cure. So many people suffering…I can’t stand it.”61

I realized then that he truly was innocent. He probably hadn’t ever seen anyone killed, hadn’t ever killed someone—probably hadn’t even thought about it. A little part of me felt a jealousy and relief so deep they intertwined into one confusing emotion. 62

“But now I don’t have a chance of ever helping her, much less find her,” he said, his voice mournful.63

Interest piquing, I asked, “So this brilliant doctor…who is she?”64

“The only recorded name that he’s ever used was D. Querian.”65

It took a minute for that to sink in.66

“D. Querian!” After the shock, I shook my head and muttered, “If I’m the best this country’s got, then we’re all screwed.”67

Hearing me, Asher’s eyes went wide as saucers. “You’re D. Querian?”68

I shrugged.69

“Oh, my God,” he whispered, his eyes reverent. But instantly his face fell, and a sardonic smile curled his lips. “It’s ironic that I finally found the woman I was searching for, and yet I’ve become the very thing that I so wanted to extinguish.”70

I couldn’t bear to see him so disheartened. I wanted to restore that spark in his eyes, the one that made my insides melt. 71

“I think I’m on the brink of something major,” I told him honestly. “If you’d like, I could show you some of my notes, and your blood results.”72

Hell, why had I offered that?73

Immediately, his face lit up and his eyes sparked to life. “Really?”74

“You sound like a kid on Christmas morning.” I smiled, and it felt…strange. When was the last time I had anything to smile about? 75

“I can’t believe you would risk yourself like this—and, more importantly, your work.” 76

I couldn’t believe it, either. But I loved seeing him so happy. 77

“Come on, let’s get you off that stretcher.” I released the metal bonds, and he stiffly sat up, stretching his arms over his head. He let out a groan, and I heard several pops as his bones creaked in protest. I felt a flicker of guilt when I saw lines of welts from where he had struggled against the restraints. 78

Asher didn’t go berserker as we walked from the basement to my study, and little by little, I began to relax around him. We reached the room, and walked over to the microscope on the table.79

Asher looked at me for permission, and with a smile I nodded my head. He peered through the lens, and I heard a soft gasp pass from his lips.80

“What are those…black things attached to my blood cells?”81

“That’s the virus. It’s how the beast can get control over you.” A realization suddenly struck me. “And the veins bulge when the beast takes over because the virus is attached to the blood cells, and so in order for the beast to be strong, the flow of the blood becomes a current, traveling all over the body to give the beast more control.”82

Asher jerked almost violently where he was standing. “I’d forgotten…no, the beast had made me forget,” he whispered. “The vial—I’d brought a vial!” With a mournful groan, he put his head in his hands. “It must have been lost when I was attacked…”83

Walking to my desk, I picked up his vial and said, “I found this next to you on the night you were infected. I thought it might be important.”84

The amount of relief that showed on his face staggered me. He took the vial from my hands, our fingers brushing in the process. I shivered in delight and instantly shook myself. Asher cradled the vial like it was the most precious thing in the world. Jealous? Me? Never.85

“Thank you,” he said, meeting my gaze. The blue intensity once again struck me. “In this container is a very special kind of enzyme. I’d been researching myself, and I’d designed a little power tool of our own. It’s designed to eat the virus.” 86

“Eat the virus?” I asked, puzzled. 87

“Yes.” Taking my hand, he brought me over to the microscope. He poured a single drop onto the blood, and motioned for me to look.88

What I saw astounded me. The tiny white enzymes latched on to the virus, and started sucking it away. As the virus got smaller, the enzyme got…bigger. Stronger. Disbelief welled up inside of me, along with amazement and overwhelming joy.89

“You’ve found a cure,” I said, testing the words. “You’ve found a cure!”90

Whirling around, I leapt into his arms, embracing him fiercely. I turned my head towards his, and I don’t know who initiated it, but suddenly we were locked in a kiss. His lips felt like silk, and fireworks exploded throughout my body. His arms were bands of steel around me, crushing me to him, and my arms wound their way around his neck. There had never been a happier time in my life.91

In hindsight, I should have seen it coming, but I had been too blinded by those dumb butterflies to think twice about my decision to bring him into my study. He made me weak, made me happy, and made some of the biting loneliness fade away. That was more important to me than anything. I finally felt as if I could connect with someone. 92

But one moment we were sharing the most amazing kiss in the world, and the next, I was on the floor, with Asher trembling above me. He was in full Berserker Mode (a term for the victim when the beast has complete control). His jaw jutted forward, unable to hold the second row of sharp teeth that had burst through the gums. His skin pulsed and twitched with the disgustingly swollen veins. Eyes flashing red, Asher held himself there, his brows mashing together as he fiercely fought a battle within himself. I could feel his body shaking around me.93

I lay completely still, realizing that the beast felt endangered, and wanted to destroy that which might threaten its existence. If Asher couldn’t regain control over himself, then I was dead, and the cure would be lost. If I moved he would attack. If I felt fear it would excite the beast and make it stronger. My mind was racing, and I couldn’t think of anything but the fact that I could die right here, and the cure would be wasted.94

As if he couldn’t help himself, Asher leaned down, his mouth gaping open. The sight of two rows of double dagger-like teeth made me cry out, which was instantly a mistake. Asher’s breath sawed in and out of his chest, and I froze completely as I felt his teeth press against my neck. He was a hair-breadth away from tearing my throat out.95

Desperately, I reached for that detached part of myself, the one that had separated me from other people for so long. Finding it, I drew on the cold blankness, letting it wash over me like a gentle ocean wave. The fierce pounding of my heart slowed, the mind-numbing fear ebbed, and my breathing regulated itself. I calmly let my tense muscles relax, until I was like a limp rag doll. 96

“It’s okay, Asher,” I cooed gently. I very, very slowly reached up with one hand to caress his shaggy, beautiful hair. “Come back to me. Fight the beast.”97

Getting control over myself seemed to give Asher some of his sanity back. The bloody color began to fade from his irises, and some of the blue began to return. The terrible trembling that had racked his body became less, and his bulging veins began to return to their normal size. 98

He managed to roll over onto his back and away from me. 99

Free, I felt as if everything was surreal. It simply felt as if I was in a dream. It happened in slow motion—I laboriously moved towards the counter for the cure, put it in a syringe, and turned back around to face Asher, who was still lying there on the floor. He was clutching his head, and a mixture of growls and prayers streamed past his pale lips. He was still fighting the battle.100

I moved closer towards him. His head snapped up to meet my steady gaze. I didn’t say anything, just advanced on him slowly, letting him know that he had the choice to run away. But the beast was no longer strong enough, and Asher held himself there. Sweat beaded on his forehead, tinged with blood. Before I knew it, I had already crossed the room, and was close enough to Asher to touch him. His eyes were a mixture of red and azure, and their hazy depths swam with confusion and realization. 101

“Give me your arm,” I commanded quietly.102

As if helpless to do anything else, he extended the limb slowly, arduously. I raised the needle to the pulsing vein in his arm, but before I could inject him, the beast made one final, desperate attack. I barely had time to see that his hands extended into claws and his eyes went completely red again before he had leapt on me, and raked a clawed hand down my face.103

Pain seared the five long gashes, but I ignored it and stabbed the needle into his neck and injected him with the enzymes. The beast roared with anger and denial, burying his teeth into my throat as a parting gift. I barely had time to feel the unbelievable pain before I blacked out.104

***105

I awoke with a throbbing neck and a monstrous headache. I groaned and opened my eyes to see that I was lying down on my bed in my bedroom, with a worried Asher sitting in a chair next to me. His face was tired but had a healthy glow to it. I instantly knew that the enzymes had worked. Seeing me beginning to rouse, he crawled onto the bed and held me in his arms gently.106

“Oh, thank God you’re awake,” he whispered, crushing his face into my hair. Guilt and shame colored his voice. “I’m so sorry Delilah. So, so sorry. I can’t ask you to forgive me—I can’t even forgive myself. Just know that I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Staring at my injured face, a grief so intense it made my heart break filled his eyes. “God, look at what I did to you…”107

“Asher, I’ll be okay,” I said, my lips curling into a smile. It hurt the gashes in my face, which were bandaged tight. My neck was dressed too. “What happened to me wasn’t your fault. Do you understand that? You weren’t yourself.”108

“I could feel it inside of me,” he said in horror. “It wanted blood, always. It thirsted for carnage and destruction.” I felt a shudder go through his body. “But it’s gone now…and no one has to suffer from it anymore.”109

“You can make more of the enzymes?” I asked.110

Asher nodded. “I used the rest to make sure you didn’t get infected.” When I opened my mouth to grill him about the cure, he shook his head and said with a small smile, “I’ll explain it to you later. For now, I just want to hold you.”111

And so he did. “Stay with me,” I whispered softly.112

“Forever.” 113

His voice was firm, and filled with an emotion that made my eyes water with happiness. I felt a melting sensation in my heart, and the purest, happiest feeling well up inside of me. The critical part of me tried to analyze the emotion, but I told it to go to hell. Love? Maybe, but I was in no rush to name the confusing feelings inside of me. We had all the time in the world.114

Author notes

This took me forever to finish--it's pretty long too, so I understand if it doesn't get many views or comments. But if you do have the time to read it, please leave behind a helpful comment!

SN: Neomaxizoondweebie

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 83 of 83

  • Dr. Psycho silver member
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    This was really good, especially the descriptions! I've read one of your pieces before, and I recall that was spectacular in descriptions also.

    I really could feel the emotions of the characters, I can't blame them, who would want to be with this horrible virus!? Speaking of virus, how did you come up with 'bedlam'? It sounds cool, ... Actually, isn't that a real virus? Or does the name sound so familiar?

    I'm sad that this is not continued, It was really good. How long did it take for you to make this? It must have been awhile!


    ~ Dr. Metalhead


  • seasonsoflove
    October 7
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Amazing!!

    Plot: 5
    Language: 4
    Theme: 4
    Brownie points: 3

    Total: 16

    Great work here!! Keep it up, and thanks so much for entering!!


  • tsh369 gold member
    August 31
    Edit | Reply
    I can see why you are proud of this, It was a neat story.
    Thank you for entering my contest. Good Luck!!!

    Th.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    August 29
    Edit | Reply
    Yep, I still love this
    Sorry that I can't offer much more than that in the comment... I already commented before with a more in depth comment on my feelings for the piece Just figured I'd drop a comment again for the sake of my contest


  • slyly annonymous
    August 21

    Edit | Reply
    It's amazing! I really like the ending. The description is wonderful and your charecters are very realistic. I love it,
    Great job =]


  • DreamWanderer gold member
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    Last read before judging. Defiantly not the least. I've noticed some authors' dialogue rises over their descriptions (or vice-versa). In your case equally good. I felt the style should be bleaker, though, given the nigh-doomsday setting. The highlight of this story is, without question, the death of Deliah's mother. That it got to me makes it even the highlight of this contest.

    "Her body relaxed with the gentle blanket of death" is magnificent. This flows like Tennyson.

    Well written stuff aside, my snits lie with the story. Asher crosses heck and hell in search of the "most brilliant doctor in the country"... when he already had the cure? Why didn't he use it on himself before? Delilah has nothing to offer. This is easily fixed by having her posses or know something essential. As an example: the enzyme was useless without a catalyst only she knew of. A plot hole is filled. But as it stands she serves no point. Chapters 93 through 104 were intense, though.

    Overall a very good read, it deserves its many trophies ;-)

    Dw



    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      July 27
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much!
      Your suggestion is very helpful, I probably wouldn't have spotted that myself, considering that it made sense in my head.
      Cheers!


  • toolenduso
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, good job! It's like the female I Am Legend. I really like the feel of this whole piece, the unique take on the zombie situation. That is, after all, what makes a zombie story, and you did a good job. And congrats on your conventions as well. I didn't catch a single error in there, which is all the more impressive because of the length of the story...something I would have a hard time achieving.

    Thanks for entering, and good luck with the contest!


  • Unice the geek
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    there isnt much tosay but: amazingly well done!!! good job! i hope to see you in some of my upcoming contests! thank you for entering


  • andhearts. ox
    June 21
    Edit | Reply

    :D

    Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!

  • SilentMoonDance
    June 10

    Edit | Reply

    Nice...

    And very interesting. I love how there's never a moment when the reader can truly relax. There's always this intense feeling hovering above every calm moment--even the moments of relaxation, ready to strike. I held my breath just before Delilah was about to inject Asher with the medicine...it was all very scary! ALso, I enjoyed the bit of romance throughout, very refreshing.
    Great job and good luck!


  • tallblondie gold member
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Even though this is long, it did hold my attention all the way through - the flow is good and there are no glaring grammar/punctuation errors. The premise has been used more than a few times - especially in zombie-style flicks, but your take on the virus is somewhat unique - being that the transistion isn't smooth. Like another commentator, I feel that this really belongs as a section in a much larger story - and that the romance factor is somewhat rushed. Overall, an entertaining read.

    Thank you for your entry in ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 and under and best of luck with your future writing endeavours.


  • Lachrymose.
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    This is soooooooooooooooo wonderful, dear. It's sad and heartbreaking but adorably cute all in one. I love it so much that I want to keep it in my pocket all day long forever and ever.


  • Lekos Memory
    June 5

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...and I really mean wow. You got me hooked at your picture and first sentence. You are really amazing and this is really amazing. I'm going to add you as a finalist.

    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • CareBearJah
    June 1
    Edit | Reply
    I fell in love with the story! I love the theme and the conflict! Great Great Great story!


  • eatonace
    May 30
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    wow

    cool- loved it great style of writing and i loved how it actually seemed real! very engrossing


  • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
    May 29

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    Wow.
    It was just so amazingly realistic.
    I love the characters in it and the idea and plot was great!
    It was very enjoyable.

    Well done. A great job.


  • May Kingston
    May 24

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    The Bedlam virus seemed so realistic that I hardly knew it was a story as I read it. The plot is great and the idea behind it is genius. I love it! I never expected to get any entries this good, not to mention so real. You should see about being published. Asher is so charming.

    Thank you for entering!


  • Bella Corday
    May 17

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    Wow! This was engrossing. I usually lose interest in apocalyptic/virus infected creature stories, I Am Legend is usually all I need there But, this was a wonderfully written piece. You held my attention all the way through. It was so well thought out and written beautifully. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful piece.


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    I NEVER thought souch a story could be so romantic! I am SO happy you entered my contest...
    It was amazing! I NEVER read things like this... BUT I ED IT!


  • sberendt gold member
    May 14

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    Usually long stories like this deter me, but I have read some of your work before, so I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. And as I expected, I wasn't! Quite the opposite! I loved it! Bravo! Every part of it was amazing and wonderful and awesome!

    AWESOME WORK!

    ~sberendt


  • Marisalyn13
    May 14

    Edit | Reply

    OUTSTANDING!!!

    This was an excellent story!!! The title grabbed me in, and then I read on and on and on and couldn't stop! Wow. This was actually a very nice story! Thank you for entering and goodluck@

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • HaydenLautner
    May 13

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    To tell you the truth, I was going to DQ you as this story was over the limit, but after reading it, I got to say, thatnk God I didn't. This was a very well written story, and it had a very interesting and original plot.
    Thank you for the entry and good luck . I hope there are more chapters


  • CeliaBby
    May 11

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    Please don't re enter this story in my contests if you have in my previous one. -_-I dont like that.


  • vamplover22907
    May 2
    Edit | Reply
    I loved this. So sad on poor Delilah when she saw what happened to her mom. Love Asher.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    April 30

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    I think this could be expanded quite easily to novella length (20k words). This felt kind of rushed, from the apparently random discovery of the one guy with the cure, to the sudden love crush, and then the whole nightmare is going to be over very soon.

    Also, with only two characters, it felt like watching a play version of a movie. Maybe work in the beasts that attacked Asher! It would be interesting to see them.

    I see *holds up hands like moviemaker* adding Asher's story from when he discovers the enzyme, fleshing out here and there, maybe expanding the mom's part into the first section rather than a flashback? Anyway. It's okay as it is, but I feel it flew by too fast, and didn't share enough detail with me.


  • Violette silver member
    April 24

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    wow.

    couldn't decide if it was horror or fiction. Very creepy in places-nice work. This was a great story despite its length. In fact, I found the length to be rather apppropriate to the plot, description and characters.
    However, I am honestly, rather tired of virus stories and movies-your concept was just teetering on the borderline of repetition. You just pulled through tho, due to the originality of your characters and several other minor aspects. Just a thing to look out for in the future. Take it or leave it

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 24
      Edit | Reply
      I'll take it!

      Thanks for reading--I know it's quite an overused topic. Glad to know I can still make it enjoyable even though it isn't all too original.

  • Valkyrie silver member
    April 18
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    Sorry, your entry does not have two trophies of the same type. You've got one gold and one silver so far, so I'm sorry, but I am going to DQ your entry.


  • Avalanche.
    April 15

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    comment from judge of make it sparkle

    dosent get any comments? Are you crazy?! this is the best dang story ive read since twilight! LOVE IT!


  • WhatALovelyDay silver member
    April 15

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    Awh! I like this! I think it's cute It has a kind of I Am Legend/Fire-Us feelings to it Heh, I'm on a weird virus streak right now, so as soon as I saw it was about a virus I had to read Good job!

  • xdr
    April 5

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    The idea of a deadly virus breaking out has been used in countless stories and films--quite overworked, if you ask me. However weary I am of that subject, it was still refreshing reading this story.

    There were some gaps within the story that distressed me--the fact that they fell in love so fast, for one. But I guess you have gotten a lot of crap from other people about that little fact, so I'll let it go.

    I really liked this story. I thought it was fantastic. The plotting (if cliche and a bit predictable) was well thought out and made sense. Great job.

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 5
      Edit | Reply
      Haha I'm glad you said you liked it--at first I thought it was going to be a negative comment...but I'm glad to see that you enjoyed it .

  • huphup
    April 5

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    :D

    Absolutely fantastic! I reeeally loved everything about this story! I really didn't think that there were any holes in the story. I liked the fast pace of it; it was a quick, satisfying read. You give the reader what they want in a short amount of time, which is a great feat. LOVE IT!


  • scriptor
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    In p.4 you say conscious instead conscience

    In p.7 you say "virus-induced coma" which, in my opinion, is unnecissary when you alread said he had falled ill from some virus. I think you should just say coma.

    In p.60 the comma is uneccisary

    In p62 "Asher didnt go berserk." would be correct. BerserkER is a noun. Reading on i found it is a term made up; it would be less confusing if you put the explination of berserker at this point instead of in p.76

    In p. 87 "pain seared teh five long gashed" maybe "in the five long gashes"? do with that as you will.

    Those may seem like a lot of corrections but it really isnt for a piece this length so dont feel bad. Truse me, ive had critiques so bad you couldnt even imagine lol

    As for the story...


    Hmmmm this gives me "I am Legend" flashbacks. Is this where you got your idea?

    lol i dont know why but when i learned her name it made me want to sing "hey there dalilah"

    I like that you have scientific reasoning; many people just try to get by without trying to make it sound possible. It makes them look silly.

    It seems to me that the way they "fell in love" seems silly and illogical, but then, maybe they are two very emotional people.

    A hole that i saw in the story was this: no explination for the guy. He has some enzyme which cures the virus, so i assume he is a fellow scientist. I would think that she would ask him that or he tell her... idk, but that is a problem to me.

    In all-despite the numerous corrections-i really enjoyed this. It kept me wanted to know more which is exactly what the author always wants.
    good work

    BRe

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for taking the time to read my story and leave behind a meaningful comment. I did not write this story with the intention of being an I Am Legend knock off, and I was proud of this story until someone first told me it was a lot like the movie.

      As for the various holes within the story, I won't make excuses for myself, except to say that this is a rough draft for a class I'm taking in school, which is why I posted it on this site. I appreciate you pointing out big weaknesses--now I can go about fixing them .


  • Resident Evil 4 Fan
    April 5

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    Even though it was long, I thoroughly enjoyed it! It was just so intriuging to read something like this. Keep up the great work.

  • DeathByChocolate
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    That is a really great story! I love the whole thing, plot, writing, and imagery. I love it all! You did a great job writing this
    GOOD LUCK!


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    Good morning Neomi.

    To start with, you have a terrific story. It teeters between Science Fiction and horror with a delightful romance mixed in Thank Heaven the Sun is big and bright . When I read your work, I forget you are a teenager

    Although the idea of a super drug to develop the perfect soldier has been used in literature and in TV scripts, (the latest I saw was on NCIS), it’s still a good, scary, and logical method to develop a Doomsday’s bug. That part of the plot works well .

    The fact, Delilah, went out to find her cat when she knew it was dangerous, especially being that she’s a scientist and possibly the last hope for humans not so logical. She watched her mom die in a cage, in hopes to find a cure, but hunts a lost kitten ?

    Taking Asher home as an experiment—perfect logic—it fits right in with plot the . Falling in love with the specimen should take a bit more time. That specimen falling in love with you .

    Just my humble opinion but I think what I’m seeing and trying to explain is this, while nicely written, your tale is too short for the weight of this plot. You have so much potential here for a much longer work even a novel. By attempting to keep it in a shortstory mode, things happen too fast. So you rush the reader to the climax before they can bond with your characters, this leaves them with lots unanswered questions.

    What became of the kitten? Why was Asher’s legs showing bites? I would have liked to see Asher attack Delilah., then realize what he was doing.

    And it would be fun to watch Delilah slowly change from a scientist into a female in love.

    Or Asher struggle to keep from destroying first his only hope and eventually the woman he learns to love.

    Okay Geri *shutup* .

    Best of luck in the contests.

    Geri

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 4
      Edit | Reply
      Your comments are always so long and helpful; thank you so much!

      First off, I wrote this for a class, with a page limit of fifteen pages. Plus I know some people are scared of length and I didn't want to post a story that no one will read. But now I think I'm going to continue it, so your suggestions are very much appreciated. I hadn't thought of any of those inconsistencies before.


  • Host
    April 4

    Edit | Reply

    Words can't even discribe how great this story is!

    I was jumping up and down on my bed reading this. One thing that had me questioning was how fast the whole romance was you know. And I'm also wondering if this was it, or is there going to be more. It'd good enough to continue. I don't see why anyone would NOT read this, It's fantastic!!! The background goes great with the description as well. There was an error I found was,
    went against every rule * in I possessed

    * It feels like there is a word that goes there or that might sound better then 'in'. Just a thought, and there was another one but I can't find it. Anyway I hope to read more of this.

    host

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 4
      Edit | Reply
      Haha oops; my bad... I'll fix that ASAP!

      Thank you very much for your kind words . And yes, there will be more, I just have to figure out what's going to happen.


  • Fruitilicious
    April 1
    Edit | Reply
    This was soo awesome! thanks for entering!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • artaq gold member
    March 30

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    Awesome story! I started reading it when I was tired but ccouldn't help but finishing it. The only thing I saw was paragraph (37) When you say coherent but asleep just didn't seem right. Maybe it was just me .
    I love how you betray emotion nd how everyone can be vulnerable.. Good Job.. Keep writing

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • His.Golden.Eyes
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    That was awesome! I normally don't bother reading long stories because I have a very small attention span, but your story captured me! I really liked it!
    It kinda makes you feel sorry for Asher in a way.
    It reminded me of I am legend, which is one of my favorite movies of all time.


    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      March 30
      Edit | Reply
      I'm so happy that so many people reading and liking this story! Thanks for reading and commenting!

  • Kismet Krazy
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    This was an amazing story. You described it wonderfully and it flowed great and the characters are just so real. I didn't find anything wrong with this at all. And i hope you add more to it because this is just an amazing story that is written extremely well. great job.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    March 27

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    I don't have any helpful comments, I was too busy reading to notice any mistakes. What a fasinating story I really loved it. I was glued to every word. I really hated for it to end, but it had a great ending.

    Thank you for writing this.
    Trish


  • GrimDeath
    March 25

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    Very interesting story. I loved the strong emotions and details. the plot was very strong and I loved


  • PixieDrug
    March 24

    Edit | Reply

    brilliant

    only typo I noticed:
    p34 relieved not relieve

    I enjoyed reading this alot. brilliant descriptions, brilliantly done.

    the only problem i have with the story is how similar the back plot is to I Am Legend. maybe you should try and make the symptons of the disease a little different, but that would only be if you wished to develop the story for publishing or somethting. otherwise; well done, this was a pleasure to read oh and i want to meet an asher!! he's so cute! *jealous of delilah*

    (p.s. I can't wait for more!)

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      March 24
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for reading and commenting!

      And it's funny that you said the I Am Legend thing--I thought about that AFTER I was done writing this. I'll have to think up some more differences...(sigh).

  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    March 24

    Edit | Reply
    You know... normally I am a constructive critiquer.. we all want to know areas we can improve on or if there are any mistakes in the writing that will help the author revise... but I'm being perfectly honest here when I say I really have nothing much to offer other than to say that this is one of the best short stories I've ever read.

    I enjoyed every bit of it. Your writing style. Descriptions. Characters. First person POV. The plot was original and creative... wow, I could just go on and on here.. lol. Its always refreshing reading something like this. Amazing work here.

    Oh and I really love the picture, too. *waggles eyebrows*
    LoL, I'm a dork

    Anyways, great write here... honestly! Enjoyed every bit of it... I look forward to reading more of your work for sure!


  • BlamedRobin
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. I loved the description and the plot. At the end I was scared for Delilah. I thought she was going to die. Oh and the guy was horribly sexy...Good job -Smiles-

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