The TRUE Sleeping Beauty (Screenplay edition)

The TRUE Sleeping Beauty1

[Thorny vines block the way into a castle. A bridge and moat separate Prince Charming from the castle itself.  The Prince is riding a horse, swinging a sword.  The Narrator is just off stage, witnessed by the audience, but not focused on.] 2

Narrator: Prince Charming wielded his massive blade in high arcs like a woodpecker preparing to assault a hollow branch…3

Prince Charming [putting his hand on his hip, diva-style]: No no, not good at all. I think that was a poor metaphor.  Try a-gain, Narrator!4

Narrator [mumbling under his breath to the audience]: Jeez, why must they give me the oddballs. [return to narrative voice] AHEM, Prince Charming wielded his massive blade in high arcs like…uh, like a bull stomping the ruddy earth in frustration. [speaking directly to the Prince, but not in narrative voice] Is that better? 5

Prince [return to swinging the sword]: Yes, I suppose that will do.6

Narrator [in narrative voice]: While still perched upon his trusty steed, he swung and thrashed at the photosynthetic barrier— 7

Prince [interrupting the Narrator’s statement, throws his arms in the air in exaggeration]: WHAT?  What kind of narrator are you?  Give me a better description. The first part, about my horse, sounds like an old western, and the latter is so grotesque that it gives me gas. 8

Narrator [speaking with exasperation]: Ex-CUSE me, my sincerest apologies. [return to narrative voice] While still perched upon his noble beast [interrupts sentence with an under-the-breath comment towards the Prince] Is that better? [return to narrative voice] He swung and thrashed at the growth before him.  Leaves and thorns fell to the left and right, narrowly missing his head and his horse’s body.  Just as the sword swung through and gave way an opening to the gate of the castle, the witch, that evil, cunning, vile, ruthless, nasty, horrid, awf- 9

[Witch makes her way onto the bridge, but focus is on the Prince.]10

Prince [interrupting the Narrator in mid-word]: I say, are you quite done?11

Narrator [speaking to the Prince, meekly trying to explain himself]: Well, I just wanted to make sure the reader realizes just how bad she really is…12

Prince [in a snobby, I-know-better-than-you voice]: If they haven’t figured out by the time the princess was cursed with death on her 16th birthday, at the very beginning of this story, I dare say they can’t be helped now, can they? 13

Narrator [under his breath]: I was just trying to make things a little bit more interesting, just to [leaves the sentence hanging, clears throat, resumes the narration] the [extending the “E”] evil witch met the hero on the bridge, muttering words to herself.   14

Witch [now on the bridge]: I wasn’t muttering, narrator.  I was uttering, you know, like a spell? [puts her hands on her hips and taps her toe] 15

Narrator [now visibly exasperated, and answers in the same attitude]: Yes, yes…[clears throat, resumes narrative voice] The witch, meeting the Prince face to face on the wooden drawbridge— 16

Witch [interrupting the Narrator sarcastically]: Well, what OTHER kind of bridge would it be, Narrator?17

Narrator [rolling his eyes and retorts with his own sarcasm]: It could have been a permanent bridge, not one that can be opened and closed…[he trails off, there is silence a moment]18

Witch [in a reluctant-to-accept tone]: I suppose…[speaking to both the Narrator and the Prince] Can we get on with this now?  I have a hoard of flying monkeys to feed at three, and a brew to cook before Snow White comes back from the forest.19

Narrator [speaking under his breath]: I’m not being paid enough for… [statement trails off, clears throat again, Narrator picks up narrative voice] And so clouds of smoke surrounded the Witch’s robe, making her vanish from the Prince’s sight. [gray smoke is emitted from the Witch’s feet, but it is thin, and isn’t dark enough to hide the Witch from anyone’s sight]20

Prince [sighing]: I can still see her, Narrator.  Can you change the color of the smoke to purple or something?  I mean, c’mon, am I supposed to see her? [in a diva-like tone] I don’t think so…21

Narrator [snapping at the Prince and taking a few steps towards the Prince.  The Prince takes a whimpy-looking stance]: LOOK, you puny little prince, one more snippet out of you, and I’ll—22

Witch [putting her arms up and yelling over the commotion]: Hey! Knock it off! I need to get going, so let’s just finish this scene.  [rolling her eyes and in an exasperated tone] Men! 23

Prince [low enough so the Witch shouldn’t hear, and directed to the Narrator in a mocking fashion]: See what you did! [sticks his tongue out]24

Narrator [angrily hisses back]: What I did? [pointing at the Prince] You’re the one who wanted purple smoke. [returns to narrative voice, purple smoke comes out of the Witch’s feet, and is dark enough to hide her silhouette] and so the Witch’s silhouette was bathed in a hue of [emphasizes the next word, and spits it at the Prince] purple, blocking the view from Prince Charming.  Bursts of lightening resonated from the smoke, [emphasizes the next phrase, and directs it at the Prince again.  The Prince acts smugly] which was purple, and the Witch’s form changed shape from within the cloud. [Witch puts on the prop to look like a dragon while hidden by the smoke] Guttural moans and growls echoed along the rock walls, and there before the prince was a dark and glorious dragon. 25

Witch [in a resigned tone]: Tell me, my dear Narrator, how a dragon can be both dark and glorious?26

Narrator [responding to the Witch]: Hey, I’m just reading the script this time, Witchy. I’m sorry it doesn’t please you.27

Witch: Well, would you just change it or something?  I’m not glorious.  Grotesque, ferocious, disturbing perhaps, but not glorious.28

Narrator [giving in]: Fine. [speaks in narrative voice]The dark and [emphasizing the word to the Witch] disturbing dragon. [spoken to the Witch, under his breath] Better? [returns to the narrative voice] Upon seeing the creature, the Prince looked at his sword, and wished, wished with all his might. [A small fairy is swung over the Prince] There, above him, hovered the blue fairy, granting that wish. 29

Prince: I wish this sword would fly straight and true, piercing the heart of this cruel beast! [The fairy, her wand waving, empowers the sword.  The Prince throws the sword, which gets stuck in the Witch’s chest.]30

Witch [spoken very dramatically, placing her hand over the chest/sword]: Oh, my chest! [Witch dramatically collapses] 31

Narrator [under his breath, towards the audience, sarcastically]: Oh, that’ll win an Emmy… [returning to the narrative voice, slightly stuttered] Uh, the prince strode—32

Prince [interrupting in disgust]: No no, strode won’t do. [speaks phrase elegantly] “Entered in awe” sounds so much better.  Go on, try it, narrator. 33

Narrator [fed up with the complaints, rolls eyes and gives in, muttering under his breath]: Sigh, alright…it’s almost over anyway. [returns to narrative voice.  Prince steps over the Witch’s body and enters the castle, with a look of awe] The Prince entered in awe at the sight of the castle.  [walks up the steps to the tower and leans over the bed, where lies Princess Aurora] Upon the highest tower slept the beauty, Aurora.  Prince Charming climbed the steps to the tower, entered the room, and knelt over the body of the princess. 34

[Princess Aurora, still laying on the bed, makes what is supposed to be a snore, but it sounds more like a pig.]35

Prince [makes slicing motions with arms and walks away from the bed, talking to the Narrator]: Hold it!  I thought the princess was supposed to be asleep, not mimicking pigs. [puts his hands on his hips, diva style] This won’t do. 36

Princess Aurora [in defense of herself, and trying to move the play along]: Hey, PRINCE, I’m trying to perform here.37

Prince [to Aurora, yelling]: You’re supposed to be asleep, you dumb broad.  You were chosen for this part because you have blonde hair and only 3 lines, INCLUDING the snore!38

Aurora [obviously enraged]: HOW DARE YOU! [Aurora slaps the Prince] 39

Prince [is shocked, and answers back in a diva tone]: Ah!  How Dare YOU! [the Prince slaps her back, and a cat fight ensues.  Aurora and the Prince wrestle until they fall on the bed.  They pause a moment, and Aurora kisses the Prince. Stage goes dark, spotlight on the Narrator]40

Narrator [steps up to the center of the stage, speaking to the audience in narrative voice]: They were married soon after, and lived. That’s all, they just lived. Hey, if you had to clean off all those thorny bushes[Points to the castle wall. A spotlight shines on it, giving attention to the vines], it wouldn’t be happy for you either! [spotlights are turned off.]41

The End.42