As you arrive to the gates of Hell, you'll notice that contrary to popular belief, the sign there does not read “all hope abandon ye who enter here.” What the sign really reads is1
“Beware of Dog.”2
After you've told the deaf-mute at the gates, your name, your nickname, your given name, every name you were ever called, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first grade teacher, your car's name, your thirty-seven pet's names, your rank, serial number, blood type, sexual orientation, height, weight, and favorite color, your life's work flashes upon a large LCD screen to your left, complete with picture in picture so you can watch all the “Hell” you've caused along your pitiful life.3
You’ll be handed a Starbucks Grande-Double-Mocha-latte and told to sit and watch. Don't worry, even though you've seen the show before, you won't want to miss the “highlights.” Like the time in the third grade that you pulled the wings off that moth and then slipped the body into the sandwich of the girl that sat next to you at lunch.4
Hell really isn't concerned with the “Seven Deadly Sins” as you mortals have been told.5
The boys in our Administration office really like to call the guidelines for entry “Hell, for Dummies.”6
The most likely candidates show varying degrees of “Idiocy, Indifference, Apathy, Redundancy, Repetitiveness, High Cheekbones, Incorrect Capitalization, and Atrocious Grammar.7
But, on with the tour. On your left, past the tars pits and the boiling oil, you'll see two of Hell's most terrifying creations, the anchovy pizza and haggis. Those of you that have partaken of these while living most assuredly know that these two items are truly, Hell on earth.8
On your right, past the million typing monkeys, you'll see, the dreaded…Comb-over, in all its glory. Again you'll realize that even though you've seen these, maybe even had one yourself, all throughout your life, it must have been from Hell all along.9
Ahead and to the right you see the source of all the heat. The Burn'o'mat 5000 is the latest is exothermic devices and it's fully guaranteed never to freeze over. Sorry all of you Chicago Cubs fans.10
The corridor to your right leads to the break room. Every thousand years or so, Satan has a charitable moment and relaxes the rules for ten minutes. Everyone is given a small piece of hard candy (generally “Red-Hots”) and gathers to listen to the extended remix of Cher's “Believe”.11
The doorway to the left here leads to a room that hasn't been used for hundreds of years. This room was our torture room for the first few millennia of our sweet and wonderful existence. It contains the Iron Maiden, the Rack, and a rather wicked looking set of 'Ginsu' knives. Sometimes I really do miss the screaming …and the food…12
Sorry, lost in a daydream there. Let's move on shall we?13
Over here is our accounting department. Some of you may actually be working here, if you are found to be suitable for the position. Ah, I see that some of you have come directly here from Enron and Arthur-Anderson. I’m sure you'll fit right in.14
Over this way is research and development. Please don't tap on the glass, it will startle them. 15
We here in Hell's employ have been continually working on making Hell a place that you can be proud to slave away in. Our engineers are constantly striving to make the world of the living a more 'Hellish' place. And c'mon, don't you think they did a damn good job with AOL?16
Just a bit further on you'll see the locker room and the gymnasium. Occasionally Satan likes a good game of racquetball, but he's having trouble of late finding someone that doesn't cheat at it as well as he does. These both are off limits to all employees, except Bill Gates.17
This concludes this walking tour of Hell, please join me again in a few minutes where we'll be serving your last home cooked meal of anchovy pizza and haggis, with a shot of Vick's NyQuil to wash it all down.18
Author notes
The wonderfully ironic thing about posting this was as soon as it was done formatting, I scrolled to the end of the page and saw that I had 666 points to promote this...
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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a genius
wow, man, i have read a little about you and i just have to tell you for my own sake of knowing that you know this, but i understand the fact that you are a person who knows what's going on in life. every bit of your story was crafterd with laces of words that flowed and had such a twist of irony through out each paragraph. keep doing what your doing man, and know that somewhere out there i'm living my life, and know exactly what it is about everything going on in life, and that there are those of us who really do understand the true secret to life. take it easy. -
I grew up in Boston so after 86 it was "when hell freezes over, they'll win it" I'm not much of a baseball fan but I'm certainly no yankees fan... and since the Cubs were the only team left with that kind of streak... I had to choose them after Boston won it... but yeah, I was more excited to see NY go down in the AL series...
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So my beloved Redsox made you change to the Cubbies, yes!!!
Sorry, all of us in New England are still celebrating (and I'm sure there's room for George Steinbrenner down there!)
I enjoyed the tour, except the Accounting Department...I recently studied Accounting and am a little worried about that one. Many years ago I worked in a pizza joint and had to play with those greasy, slimy anchovies. Actually that was kind of fun.
A million typing monkeys...sounds like AllPoetry
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Hahaha...bad grammar...I must be going to hell too. AOL...yes I do believe it was hell spawn. I think a few other things belong in hell: boobahs, furbies (damn things work even when you take the batteries out
) Donald Trump's hair, reality TV shows, blonde pop star/actresses under 90 pounds, and people who click on your things in the promoted section but don't comment. Yes I would like to see them all in hell.
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Lalala--now i'm conufzzled.
Which one came first?!??!?!?!?
That's okay, don't really care. MUST point out some beaUtifully scripted humor.
"Starbucks Grande-Double-Mocha-latte" ~ LURVE starbucks...
"Hell, for dummies" ~ Mmmm...the high-cheekbones thing was too funny for words...
"Anchovy pizza and haggis" ~ Does anyone actually EAT that??
"listen to the extended remix of Cher's “Believe”" ~ That song is pure not funness...
"some of you have come directly here from Enron and Arthur-Anderson" ~ OOOH!! I KNOW THEM!! tHaT was a very good thing to say...
"Please don't tap on the glass, it will startle them." ~ OH MY GOSH!! ONCE I DID THAT!! They were showing us how bagels were made or something, and i was bored so i was drumming on the glass...(i heart drums)AND THEY TOLD ME NOT TO FRIGHTEN THE WORKERS!!
"don't you think they did a damn good job with AOL?" ~ WOW, did they ever!!
"a shot of Vick's NyQuil to wash it all down" ~
Yup, that's it. I SMILE, THEREFORE I AM.
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This was so amusing!!! I don't want to go to hell, I hate anchovies
I really enjoyed the read and the way you wrote it was so good and funny!
Thanks for the good laugh.
Mari
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The funny thing was I had to edit as I used the Boston Red Sox the first time... And they had to go and win it... I was very upset...
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funny funny funny
i am a redundant idiot that stupidly repeats everything...am i going to Hell? that would kinda suck... and hey im a cubs fan... that wasnt nice... they'll win a game... when i go to hell and break your heater all in all very funny... -
This sounds like some of the tours I've been on, no, not really, but you have the tone right on. The jokes on American culture are great, I had a good time reading.
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Ha hmmm okay I can see that now. Jarring! Me no silly... [crosses eyes]
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Intentionally left off the end quotes... look at what it says silly
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OMG at the 666... that's too weird!
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Atrocious Grammar.
add end quotes
AH this is sooo funny! I love it. Great details and I truly felt like I was on a tour of hell Excellent writing!
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