Dusk had settled over the Academy while I was talking with Master Ruben. The rose hue of the sunset had colored the drab gray buildings, giving the roughness of the stone more depth. I walked to the girls' quarters slowly. This was one of my favorite times of the day. It was when the grounds were the most peaceful. Talk was muted and activity was unhurried. Classes were over for the day and dinner was finishing up. Under old oaks and massive maples, gathered groups of students. Masters and tutors wandered through the paths, answering questions and greeting all. 1
I didn’t see Kyle, but then considering what had happened earlier and I didn’t really expect to. That didn’t stop me from looking for him in the throngs of people. Once or twice a caught I sparkle of blonde hair as it reflected the dying sun’s rays. My heart would race. Neither time was it him.2
Soft music danced around the grounds and the smell of evening mingled with the night blooming flowers from the borders of the buildings. From underneath, a cricket took up the love song of its kind, blending with the lyre a fourth year student was playing. It was a strange combination, but it was right for the Academy.3
As I entered the path that lead to the girls' quarters, darkness engulfed the area around me. I shivered as I waited to see what was happening. I suppose I should have been frightened, but I wasn’t one to throw hysterics into the mix until I knew what was going on. If it warranted it, I would be more than happy to go screaming to safety. For now, though, I would wait.4
Before, I could still see, but now it was impossible. The inky obscurity deepened with every breath and the smell of rotting material took the place of the flowers and cooling air. I stifled an urge to vomit the small contents of my stomach as I placed a hand under my nose.5
A soft growl began at a distance, on my right. I turned towards it. The sound was not ferocious, only one of warning. It was as if the animal or person making it was walking cautiously towards me, the sound growing with it. The smell of rotting material became stronger the closer it got.6
Three feet in front of me, it stopped. The growl continued, like a low rumbling of a distant thunderstorm or that of an avalanche of rocks, neither losing the warning tone only growing.7
I may not have been one to scare easily, but the continual sound gave me pause. Fine hairs on my arms and neck stood up like they were in a thunderstorm that was charged with electricity. I knew a change was coming. 8
The growling stopped as suddenly as it started and was replaced with a grating voice, “Leave off. Leave off the search.”9
Before I could ask why, the shadows brightened back into the dusk as before. It was as if no time had passed. Laughter from a couple walking down the path turned me from the blackberry bush I had been looking at. I reached out and fingered a leaf, giving the impression of studying it as the couple passed.10
“Always learning, aren’t ya Sabrina?” asked Doyle, a fellow second year, brushing ink black hair from his eyes.11
I faked a smile while replying, “You know me; I just can’t stop.”12
He and Meredith laughed as they continued down the pebbled walkway. I sighed deeply in relief. I wasn’t sure why I was hiding what had just happened, but, until I figured out what was going on, I wasn’t going to share the experience with anyone. Except Kyle and maybe Master Ruben, but only if the situation warranted it.13
For now, I would handle it. The blackberries were dense, with a few clusters of early fruit. Lush green leaves hid the serrated thorns on thick vines, which weaved in and out of each other. I didn’t think that anything could get into the middle of the bush, but maybe behind it.14
I walked farther down the path looking for an opening. Even the smallest slip of an opening would be enough for me to push through. After several minutes and a few false starts, I found a place I could squeeze through. The thorns snagged on my simple blouse and ripped into my bare arms and face, but eventually I got to the back of the bush.15
I searched the ground while staunching the blood flow from a half a dozen small cuts. They burned as only rose and blackberry cuts can, making the urge to scratch at them very strong.16
The ground around the bush was clear of any prints, man or animals, and I was frustrated. What had happened didn’t feel like a dream. I had been awake and fully aware of my surroundings, so why couldn’t I find any trace of what had made the growl and spoken to me. I was sure it was a canine. Of what species it was, I was uncertain. And how could it have spoken? Could I have imagined that part? What search was I to leave off?17
These questions roamed back and forth through my mind as I searched behind the trailing vines of the bush. No answers came to the questions or the search. I was about to give up, when I noticed a small depression in the soft soil, in an area of matted grass. It looked as if a small animal had lain down for a bit. It was no bigger than that of a large house cat, like the one that sat on the windowsill in Mastercook Madara’s kitchen.18
I smiled in spite of the fact that it should have scared me. I now had confirmation that what I had heard and felt was real. Now the question was: Who or what could make that illusion and why?
In a list
The last two paragraphs?
Comments
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I have made it back to this fantastical tale...with relish. I apologize for stepping away for awhile, but I wanted for you to get some more chapters out there for me...so I could read more than one in a sitting, which is what I'm planning.
I loved how this chapter started out with serene beauty. You can describe so well that it astounds me, almost lulls me to sleep...and then you have this tension...that wakes me up. Well done on that.
I am off to read another chapter now, but not before I leave you some suggestions and everything:
Par 1: Dusk had settled onto [over] the Academy while I was talking with Master Ruben.
Par 2: Once or twice a [I] caught a sparkle of blonde hair as it reflected the dying sun’s rays.
Par 3: From underneath [,] a cricket took up the love song of its kind, blending with the lyre a fourth year student was playing.
Par 4: If it warranted it [,] I would be more then [than] happy to go screaming to safety.
Par 7: Three feet in front of me[,] it stopped. [Or: It stopped three feet in front of me.]
Par 8: Fine hairs on my arm [arms] and necks [neck] stood up like a thunderstorm was charged with electricity.
Par 9: The growling stopped as suddenly as it started and was replaced with a grating voice, “Leave off. Leave off the search” [.”]
Par 12: I faked a smile while replying, “You know me, [;] I just can’t stop.”
Par 13:I wasn’t sure why I was hiding what had just happened, but [,] until I figured out what was going on [,] I wasn’t going to share the experience with anyone.
Par 14: For now [,] I would handle it. / Lush green leaves hide [hid] the serrated thorns on thick vines, which weaved in and out of each other.
Par 15: After several minutes and a few false starts [,] I found a place I could squeeze through.
Last Par: I smiled, [no comma] in spite of the fact that it should have now scared me. I now had conformation [confirmation?] that what I had heard and felt was real. Now the questions to be answered, who or what could make that illusion and why? [Now the question was: Who or what could make that illusion and why?]
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‘morning Brooke. You have an easy to read chapter here
. A hint of mystery, enhanced by a touch of fear with just a sparkle of humor—nice job 
.
Found a few things to check out:
I walked to the girl’s (girls’ quarters slowly.
I didn’t see Kyle, but then considering what had happened earlier and (I) didn’t think I would.
Once or twice a (I) caught a sparkle of blonde hair as it reflected the dying sun’s rays.
As I entered the path that lead to the girl’s (girls’ quarters,
If it warranted it I would be more then (than) happy to go screaming to safety.
The growl continued, like a low rumbling of a distant thunderstorm or that of an avalanche of rocks, neither losing the warning tone or (but or only) growing.7.
Fine hairs on my arm and necks stood up like (they were in) a thunderstorm (that)was charged with electricity.
The growling stopped as suddenly as it started and was replaced with a grating voice, “Leave off. Leave off the search (.)”9
Laughter from a couple walking down the path turned me from the blackberry bush I had been looking to (at).
like the one that sat on the window sill (windowsill) in Mastercook ( Master-cook) Madara’s kitchen.18
I smiled,(no comma) in spite of the fact that it should have now scared me.
Geri
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Small stuff:
p2. I didn’t see Kyle, but then considering what had happened earlier and didn’t think I would. And - I, but then too many I's. Maybe change it to ... but then considering what had happened earlier I didn't really expect to.
Also, Once or twice a caught a sparkle of blonde hair... twice 'I' caught
p6. A soft growl began at 'a' distance, ...
p8. ...arm and necks.. - ...arms and neck..
p14. hide - -hid
p16. can - could The rest of the sentence is past tense
p19. I smiled, in spite of the fact that it should have now scared me. Not quite sure what your going for here. ...should have scared me... or ..should not have scared me...
This is an intriguing chapter yet Sabrina's final conclusion is rather confusing.
Dim light goes to total darkness and the smell of something rotting overwhelms her senses. She hears a growling sound come close and then a gravelly voice tells her to stop the search.
Then as soon as the voice stops the light comes back and a couple is walking by chatting as if nothing has happened.
She then assumes a cat was in the bushes and someone/something was playing a prank.
Is it her imagination? Has her link with the creature affected her sense of reality? Hmm.
If so then it will be interesting to see what she says about it to Kyle and Rubin, or if she says anything at all.
This next chapter should be quite interesting.
Greg
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Great job..She was a little braver than I would have been... The new character coming in was good. It has a hint of mystery to it... Is it good or bad.. Why doesn't it want her to continue the search...?
making her continue searching to see if it was real was a good move.. showing what her character is like... Having time seem to stand still gave the meeting a more eerie feeling.
The only thing, so far I could see was Paragraph (2) the first sentence I think there mightbe a word missing there?
Can't wait till you post more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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