Please title me

I've found my way through the depression before. Several times I've come back out on top, but this time I don't know how to do it. I've been trying so hard to get passed it, to make it back to the world of the living and the happy, but it's so hard to when I don't know what's wrong with me.1

I write all the time, a pen constantly in my hand, but for what? I can't seem to get to the end of the story, I just keep starting over and over, a new character, but really is it a new one? Maybe it's just me in different forms, the way I really wanna be. 2

I'm nineteen, twenty in June and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. If you ask me all I can think of is writing, but in what form? I don't want to be a journalist, too many deadlines, but to write a full novel, I'm not sure I could.3

It's funny how my depression and my writing seem to go hand in hand. No matter whether I'm good or bad I write, but when I'm in the black the words seem to flow out of me, story after story, line after line, and thought after thought. I drive my roommates crazy, the folded in half pieces of paper littering our never completely clean apartment. But it's the only way I know how to get out.4

Why can't I just be normal, be happy or even just placid? Why can't I just have a smile on my face without having to think about it? Why can't I find the happy medium?5

Maybe I'm not meant to, but then what's the bloody point? It's all a test, but what if I never studied? I'm supposed to be one of the chosen ones, one who CHOSE to come at this time. What happens if I'm not as strong as I thought I was?6

What happens if I can't end up where I'm supposed to be?