The Sun Thief (pt. 1)

I stepped onto the ledge of the building and peered down at the street below me. People of all races were bustling for the community festival—the flowing crowds on the sidewalks were like colorful streams. The edifices surrounding me sparkled with the jaded crystal they were made out of. Aerocycles made a whirring sound as they sped down the road, clearing the way for the parade that was soon to come. Even from here, I could smell the sweat of the people on such a hot day, and I could faintly hear their heartbeats when I listened with my dulled bloodlust. The endless sky stretched out above me, with only two moons and the sun decorating its rouge surface. 1

This was Atlantis, the secret world tucked away into the Earth’s atmosphere. Its inhabitants were all fantastical in some way—but they were born human. If a human was born at a specific time (such as when night turned to dawn, or when the sun disappears over the horizon), then at age eighteen they would go through their “magical puberty.”2

Me? I was a sun keeper. I could manipulate light the way night keepers—vampires—could manipulate darkness. I stared at the glowing red ball of gas and soaked in its rays, letting them wrap around my skin like the softest of snakes. The rays squeezed me in a death grip for a split second before they mingled with my aura and I blended in with the light, becoming invisible. 3

Time to do what I came here for. Crouching down, I jumped the forty-foot distance to get to the building across the street. My knees didn’t feel any shock as I landed. Briskly, I dusted off my clothing before exiting the roof.4

This was where it got tricky. In order to stay invisible, I had to stay in the light. As I stood in the hallway of the three-story home, shadows pressed down on me, and I felt the gentle grip of the sun’s rays fading. Swearing under my breath, I started checking every room in the hallway, looking for John Price. He was an extremely rich man who had little regard for anybody’s well-being except his own. I would know. I’d been tracking the guy for the past two weeks. He was a cruel man who didn’t deserve the wealth he had. 5

Eventually, I found his room. It was very ostentatious. There was a door leading to the balcony, which gave a perfect view of the city. His bed took up half of the room, which had an enormous portrait of John hanging above it. He was average looking with plain brown eyes and hair. The only reason why women were attracted to him was because of his vast amounts of money.6

I frowned and focused back on the mission. Stepping quickly into the room, I spotted a dressing table and went to it. John was well known for his obnoxiously jeweled rings. Undoubtedly there were some here. I opened the first drawer and hit the jackpot. Rings of every size and color were in a velvet-lined container. Their sparkling brilliance dazzled me for a moment. I grinned for the first time in a long time. Well, that was easy, I thought before taking a handful of rings and closing the drawer again. The guy’s security sucked. Then again there was no security that could hold me back.7

I walked out of the room and stepped onto the balcony, closing the doors behind me softly. It was then that I felt a prickle of magic crawl along the nape of my neck. Someone was watching me. Impossible, I thought with a frown. I’m still invisible. 8

And I was. I could feel the light on my skin like a soft security blanket. I turned sharply and scanned the area while reaching out with my senses. There was no one hidden in the nearby buildings’ windows, nor was there anyone down in the streets below looking up at me. But my instincts were saying that I wasn’t alone, and my instincts had saved me more than once. 9

Suddenly, I stiffened as an idea occurred to me. Turning ever so slowly, I looked back into John’s room, and my fear was confirmed. A dark, hooded figure too large to be female stood in the middle of the room, his glowing eyes watching me. My eyes widened as he smiled and waved. My mind frantically screamed, Oh God he can see me!10

He took a step towards me. I ran.11

Well, actually I jumped off of the balcony. Wind rushed past me, and the cloak I wore billowed around my form. I landed hard on a float in the parade, conveniently missing the people who were standing on it. People looked around, confused at the thump they heard but with no source for the sound, they kept waving and smiling at the crowd. Apparently my invisibility was still in place. So why can that thing see me?12

I jumped off the float and flashed through the parade, running so fast my feet barely touched the ground. I looked back and saw the hooded figure on my tail, and not having the advantage of being invisible, he was being tracked by the authorities—most likely for running around like a maniac in the middle of a parade. 13

Spinning a long golden thread from the sun’s light, I took it and cupped my hand, smoothing the thread until it became the sphere I wanted. I threw it behind me and then jumped so hard my feet left an imprint in the ground. I touched down on the roof of a building that had been two hundred feet away. I didn’t breathe so I wasn’t panting, and I didn’t sweat because I had no water in my system. But I felt drained of energy even if I didn’t show it physically. 14

I turned just in time to see the ball explode in a huge flash of light, blinding my pursuer. He tripped over his own feet, and the law enforcement immediately tackled him to the ground and took out handcuffs made of indestructible crystal. My shoulders sagged with relief once he was handcuffed and dragged out of the parade’s way. As the man was being pushed into a Aerocycle03 he looked up and met my eyes. I shivered at the red-hot anger blazing in them. 15

Then the door was shut, and the Aerocycle03 sped away before the parade reached that point. The man was gone, but for some reason I didn’t think that was going to be the last I saw of him. Call it a hunch.

Author notes

My favorite book is Host by Stephanie Meyer!

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • Valkyrie silver member
    July 15

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    Magical puberty, lol. If only there were anything magical about it.

    Well, I'll say this is a marvelous improvement. Your pacing was superb, never slowing down. The setting was reasonably described, and I don't blame you for skipping to the action, which held me thoroughly. I think a little more on Atlantis will be needed at some point, but I bet you did that already.

    My favorite part has got to be that I only saw a couple comma errors. Congrats on your editing skills. Seriously. It made reading effortless.

    One confusing part: when she (it's a girl, right? I'm only saying that based on a comment below, because I didn't get any hint of gender during the story, and I thought it was a guy) slips inside the house, she says she needs light to keep her shield up. I assumed when the shadows surrounded her that she had to let it go. But when she leaps back onto the float, apparently she's been invisible all along. Just a minor description hiccup.

    The use of the parade was ingenious. Such distraction and chaos is a lovely background to stealthy action and escaping from bad dudes in plain sight.

    Characterization, description, details, background, everything has improved over time. Yes, it's a lot of time in between, and yes, it's counting from when pretty much no one can write a decent story yet. The point is, you have kept at it, and you've probably read a lot and written a lot, paying attention to what makes stories better, and you've absorbed those tactics into your own style here. Fiiiiiiiiiiinalist.
    Thanks for sharing your stories in my contest.





    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      July 15
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Valkyrie!

      First off, thank you for your long and kind comment. The suggestion is something I probably wouldn't have picked up on, so thank you very much for that!

      As for gender, yes, the MC's a girl. Since this is a novel, it clarifies quickly, although maybe I'll change it and say it earlier...

      Thanks again for hosting and commenting!


  • hsmlover1
    July 6

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    This was exellent at the start i though oh great not aother vampire story but i was wrong so so wrong becasue that was amazing story and looking forward to reading more in the future! Good Luck in my contest

    Hsmlover


  • Mistress Cheetah
    July 3
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    cool, i like it, very nice.


  • Caradoc
    July 3

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    Grr

    I just reread this and went to look for the latest chapter, only to be disappointed by the lack of one. Come on, write chapter five...please? (Looks up at you with Puss in Boots eyes.)


  • Elms Apprehended
    June 22

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    Nicely written! I love how the guy could see her, and how they were opposites.
    Thanks for entering the contest!


  • iDifferent-
    June 15

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    This is an interesting story. I like the idea of the guy following her and being able to see her, unlike most other people/abnormals in her world.

    Good luck in my contest, you've also scored high with me,
    ♥RayneFall♥


  • DogsLookUp silver member
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    Hey!
    Congrats on the gold
    I've always meant to read this one (the title is so beautiful) so I'll check it out tonight when I can sit down with a cup of tea and enjoy it.

  • felanor
    June 7

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    I am at a total loss for words. This story was thrilling. My heart raced as our hero was being pursued by the black figure. I want to know more. Keep writing and let me know when its been continued.

    You definitely have a place in the finals!


  • the class
    June 4

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    This is really good, and I like the whole thing with the threads of sunlight and stuff like that. Well done.


  • Dead Beauty
    May 24

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    This is an extremely good story, and is definitely leveling up to the finalists' list in the contest. The story captured my interest, that's for sure, and the whole idea of it is absolutely breath-taking! It's certainly what I call original and you could very possibly win. Good luck in the contest!


  • Marisalyn13
    May 22
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    good job

  • Caradoc
    May 15
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    Intriguing

    This is definitely very original. The idea of the Sun Keepers and their ability to become invisible in sunlight is a very unique concept. You're descriptions of the world were done very well and made the area your main character was in come alive in my mind's eye. It was like watching the beginning of an interesting new movie. I noticed no typos or grammar mistakes so well done in that department. Another thing that interests me, the hooded figure that was able to see through the sunlight to catch the main character? He was a vampire yes? I am curious to see exactly how they manipulate darkness and how well the Sun Keeper fares at night.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lekos Memory
    May 11

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    The title really caught my interest and the main reason why I started reading. It's always good to have a catchy title.
    I love the details. Some writers don't put enough details in their writing or to much details that you forget what you're reading about. Yours is just right. When ever I'm reading I always play a mental movie in my head. I can really picture whats going on.

    It is definitely unique and original. I hate it when books are a like in many ways. I hope you are continuing with this story.

    Thank you for entering in my contest; I would had never found it


  • sberendt gold member
    April 30

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    Definitely original and exceptionally written! Loved everything, and didn't notice any mistakes.

    Where did you get the idea for the Sun Keepers and everything?

    *You get brownie points for having something magical being related in your story

    ~sberendt

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 30
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      I actually just...came up with it. I don't really know where the idea came from, except that it was suddenly in my head.

      Brownie points? Schweeet! xD


  • Kai Kudou
    April 28

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    This was a magnificent first chapter, I am serious. You have a good writing style that keeps people intrigued. You're story is very unique, yet very good. I loved the idea of sun keepers and such. The main character is very interesting and I really want to learn more about the character. Your ideas are amazing and I just can’t wait to read the second chapter that you made, I hope that it is as awesome as this one was. I also look forward to reading other stories that you have written.


  • Myryca
    April 25

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    I like the idea of human's being magical if they're born at the time of changeover from night to day or day to night.

    Interesting idea about being a sun keeper who can turn invisible in the light.

    You wrote this really well, kept the suspense and intrigue up all the way through. I feel you didn't need the whole vampire reference but if you're going to have vampires play a more major role later down the track I think you'll need to be careful that this story doesn't turn into a typical/cliche vampire type story. Perhaps a suggestion is to not use the term "vampire" and call them something else, in a similar vein as you've called your main character a sun keeper.

    But the way it's going, it sounds like it'll be a great story. I really like it, too, how your characters aren't super powerful beings - that the dark figure can be handcuffed and taken away by the authorities. Keep up the good work!

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • Violette silver member
    April 24

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    That was great!

    I cannot believe you haven't printed this in something! It was so well descriptive, I found myself being swept away into the very tale you were telling. Sun control? Very clever! I've never seen such a working plot twist on a vamp story, great work!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • vamplover22907
    April 24

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    This story was awesome--uber awesome to be exact. Control the sun. I thought of that once but then again I was thirteen and it was with my friends. Your main character sort of reminds me of my role play character Isla, I am her when I write stupid idea things with my friends. =.= I think that from a 1 to 10 situation you get a 15.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • PixieDrug
    April 23

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    oh. my. god. speechless! wow, at first i was think ok your avarage vampire story when i saw the catagories. but aaaahhh! alantis? sun? shaping sun? glowing eyes? rish snobs and fantastic rings?
    bring it on! that was awesome!!!!!!! original, fast paced, now dawdleing, to the point. awesome. this i shall be reading more of ^^

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 23
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      xD Thank you so much!

      The next three parts are up, and I'll post the second one on the group reading list next week.


  • kalikat9616
    April 22

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    That was really good. It wasn't what I was expecting when I saw it was a vampire story. This was one of the best vampire stories I've read on here. I found very little editing needed. I love that there are different types of vampires. I'm glad you came up with a different way to make them become a vampire. I like how you kept the ending open. I can't wait to read more of the story. Keep making brilliant stories.


  • Cupcake14
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    too large for a female-Hey!

    Atlanits-I think you meant Atlantis.

    This was a great story, but you need to add something to the character's personality, something that would keep the reader in tune with his/her thoughts, something like that. Despite being short for some huuge chapters, it didn't draw me in.

    But I have to commend your vocabulary. It is totally awesome. How can you develop such a way with words? Really really good.

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 16
      Edit | Reply
      Haha, I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I know that you don't sugarcoat anything, so I appreciate your comments.

      The main character gets a little more spicy as you read on; trust me. The plot does as well. Although, I guess if the reader isn't hooked in the beginning, then they're not going to want to read on. So thank you for the advice!


  • Play Pretend.
    April 14

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    Lawdy, lawdy, wonderful.
    First off, I really liked your word selection and vocabulary. It makes me sad how many people use only monosyllabic words in their stories, so I really appreciate that you actually use words.

    Anyhow, on to story.
    Overall, I really, really liked this.
    It was, for the most part, original and creative.
    Of course, any sci-fi fantasy novel is going to have to draw ideas from past works, but I didn't find this to be too bad.
    I thought the majority of it was very creative and definitely your own.

    The only thing I would suggest is try and make it clear what gender this protagonist (antagonist, really) is, as I wasn't even sure near the end.
    The thoughts and impressions sure sounded feminine,
    but you might want to add just a bit of clarification. :]
    But I did enjoy it, and I look forward to more of this story.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    April 12

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    Wow. I envy her. I wish I had powers like that, but I highly doubt I'd like to be her when the going gets tough, you know? I believe that's about to happen, so I guess I'm glad I'm not her.

    Original idea about being invisible only in the sun. That deserves a round of applause by itself.

    Usually, I have to have dialogue to keep me interested, but such was not the case here. I like the descriptions, the action sequences, and...gosh...everything about this piece! Well done and I cannot wait to read part 2.

    A few minor suggestions:

    Par 1: The edifices surrounding me sparkled with the jaded crystal they were made out of [made of].

    Par 15: My shoulders sagged with relief once he was handcuffed and dragged out of the parade’s way [dragged away from the parade]. As the man was being pushed into a Aerocycle03 [,] he looked up and met my eyes.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    April 10

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    Original and fantasical tale here. Amazing! You are quickly becoming one of my top favorite authors here- I've loved everything I've read by you so far. Brilliant descriptions and detail here. I was captivated from the first line through the last. I really look forward to continuing on and reading more of this Great work. (I have nothing constructive to offer, sorry I normally try to search for anything that could use edit, but my eyes didn't catch anything wrong in this here)

    Really awesome job- You're an astounding writer!


    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      April 11
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      *Feels extremely flattered*

      Thank you very much! You're an amazing writer too--I love your stories!


  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    April 9

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    Wow. I really loved it. I can't wait to read more of this. I like th way you wrote and descibed things because I read it very quickly and didn't have to go back at all to reread and clarrify. You did a great job and I will def. be watching this tale unravel.

  • graybeard silver member
    April 6

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    Very good!

    When is the next installment? This is a really good premise, very imaginative. Looking forward to reading more.

  • Kismet Krazy
    March 21

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    this was a really good story. I'd love to read more. It's a very descriptive tale in the beginning but i kept reading and it held my intrest. I'd love to read more about who this black hooded figure is. and Figure out more of this creature you have made that so very awesomely can control light.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    March 21

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    There are some light touches of humor that adds to the realistic feeling in this fantasy tale.

    Interesting opening you have here in this narrative. Lots of action and descriptions, that makes up for the lack of dialogue, so it doesn’t come across as a told story.

    The plotting is great and moves briskly along. You captured my attention and I instantly liked this colorful creature, who apparently isn’t a Vampire but still likes a bit of blood .

    There are some light touches of humor that adds to the realistic feeling in this fantasy tale. The impressions behind what the main character tells us leads one to believe there will soon be violence coming.

    (JMHO)Since this is the first chapter you might consider a paragraph or two in the beginning to set the time and place for the reader. This can create the stage and makes it easier to empathize with the narrator.

    A few other things to look at;

    SpaceCrafts (? Spacecrafts are normally vehicles used in outer space or above atmosphere not on a planet’s surface.) made a whirring sound as they sped down the road, clearing the way for the parade that was soon to come. ( To give a science fiction flavor you could use terms like Landcrafts or aircars or hovers (Just a suggestion.)

    The endless sky stretched out above me, with only two moons and the sun decorating its rouge(rough) surface. 1

    . He was an extremely rich man who had little regard for anybody’s wellbeing (well being or well-being) except his own.

    People looked around, confused at the thump they heard (but) with no source of (for) the sound, but (they) kept waving and smiling at the crowd.

    Spindling (Spinning) a long golden thread from the (Sun’s) sun’s light, I took it and cupped my hand, smoothing the thread until it became the sphere I wanted.

    Geri


  • Host
    March 21

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    This got to me, the discritption was wonderious. Sorry I'm using words that pop into my head. I don't think 'wonderious' is a word. Ok so, the imagiry was amazing. I felt as if I wa watching this through you're characters eyes. This was really good. I didn't find any errors, but I'm really not the best at error finding. Great job.

    Host

    • Neomaxizoondweebie
      March 21
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading and commenting . This is actually the start to my third novel, and I figured that before it gets published, I should post it on here first so people read it. Anyway, thanks for the great feedback!

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