I was 16. I was in love.1
It was a wednesday evening and I was waiting for my parents to get home. I had just looked out the window when the front door slammed open. And there he was. Standing infront of me. 2
My boyfriend was there, huffing and puffing, right there infront of me. "Whats wrong?", I said cooly, not thinking anything was wrong. He didn't say anything to me, he just dragged me to the basement. When we got down there I pulled out of his grasp and sat down on the couch. He ran upstairs and locked the basement door. I was starting to get freaked out. I ran up the steps and knocked on the inside of the door. "Zaaaach, you gonna let me out and tell me whats wrong?". I heard him coming to the door. I stepped back and he yelled from the other side "You better shut up if you want to see outside again". I started panicking. I was banging on the door and screaming for him to let me out when he opened the door and pushed me down the stairs.3
When I woke up my head was pounding. I didn't hear the tv of my house anymore, and i was being bumped up and down. It felt like I was in a car. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't move either.4
All of a sudden the car stopped. I felt arms pulling me from wherever I was. Something hit my side. Again. Then I felt something get on top of me. I knew it was Zach from the way I heard him breathing. He was pushing on me real hard. And then I did something I regret to this day. I started screaming. Then something hit me agin, this time really hard. The next thing I knew I was underneath a car, unable to really move or get out. It was light out. I looked from underneath the car and saw that I was in the middle of nowhere. I started to cry. I was stuck underneath the crushed car. Thoughts started going through my mind. Playing like a movie. Where were my parents? Where was Zach? Whats gonna happen to me? Why did he do this to me? Am I going to die? How did I get under this crushed car?5
Then all of a sudden I heard a terrible sound.6
It started to rain. My heart leaped in my throat when I thought of what would happen when the water filled up the pit that I was in. I started frantically trying to dig. I felt a sharp pain in my side..worse then what I had been feeling before. My rib was punctured through my skin. The water started filling the pit I was desperatly trying to get out of. I was crying for help when I heard a car pull up and saw the headlights. I was releived and horrified at the same time. 7
A contest entry
- When It Rains, by TommyTRASH.
350 points, ended April 5, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For Writers Fourteen Or Younger (Now Open To PREWRITES!) by Andy Stephenson.
175 points, ended April 10, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Did you like it? Should I do more?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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here.
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Interesting.
There's a lot to this story, but it seems that it's only partially told. This story could be so much more further developed.
Thanks for entering For Writers Fourteen Or Younger.
Andy
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this is for the author of the contest love hurts
ummm...my middle name is louise and I read the rules,,,lol. -
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lol! my middle name is louise too! By the way, awesome story! very sad, but I could really feel the emotion. I do agree with Andy stephenson, though, you could have put a bit more. Showed the prior relationship before the abuse, even if just for a bit. Not to mentiopn, it could have used a bit more imagery. But overall, I liked it.
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Fuck, thats scary as!
Like a wolf creek type of thing.
LOVED IT!
Thanks for entering! -
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Thanks!
Haha..Thanks and no problem
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Chilling
This was very powerful. The short, almost choppy like flow was very suiting for what you were writing about. The emotions jumped off the screen, and I felt horror at what was happening to the poor main character, and sympathy for her.
Great job with this, I really didn't find anything that needed fixing, except for the dialogue, but that's an error that is very common. Keep up the good work!
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nicely written good emotion in your words really draws you in for more.
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