Billy Mays at a Convenience Store - A Monologue

[SCENE: 80s pop music plays quietly over the speakers inside an average Dairy-Mart convenience store. It is midnight. A slightly overweight middle-aged teller behind the counter files her fingernails and runs them through her poofy brown hair. No other people are inside the store, until suddenly, television salesperson Billy Mays rushes into the store wearing a blue, button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, as well as a stupid grin. His hair is slicked and he looks too excited for this time of night. He steps quickly to the teller and slams some money onto the counter.]1

Billy Mays: "Billy Mays here to show you in the next sixty seconds how I'm going to fill up my car and go about my errands this evening! You see this car on pump five? The needle is all the way at the bottom! It needs fuel! And pump five is going to do the job! The secret is in its pumping action! 2

"Similar vehicles can cost up to FORTY DOLLARS to fill up, but I'm going to do mine today for just one easy payment of nineteen ninety-five!3

"But wait, that's just the beginning! I'm also going to throw in a pack of Marlboros, that's a three dollar value; but with this special offer it's $5.09! I'm even going to add this Snickers bar for just sixty cents!4

"And turn around for those cigarettes in the next ten minutes, I'll get not just one, but TWO Snickers bars, by stuffing one into my front pocket, ABSOLUTELY FREE.5

"So I get the gasoline, the cigarettes, the Snickers bar on the counter and the Snickers bar in my pocket, for one easy payment of $25.63 with tax!6

"I already told you I'm going to rob your store, so don't wait, pick up the phone and call the number on your countertop for the police now! They won't want to miss this special offer, and neither should you!"7

[The woman stares dumbfoundedly at Billy Mays for a moment, then puts down her nail file and retrieves his pack of cigarettes. Billy Mays slips a Snickers bar into his pocket while she's turned around. The Teller returns and opens the register, sighing.]8

Teller: "That's $27.43."9

Billy Mays: "Thank you."10

[Billy Mays leaves the convenience store quickly and the teller returns to filing her nails, humming along to "Every Breath You Take" by the Police.]11

END SCENE