Beeping. All she could hear was that annoying beeping that cut like a knife through the silent air. And then there were the annoying white walls, ceiling and floor. Everything about that room annoyed her. Picking what annoyed her the most though, that was difficult, until she locked eyes with him. Her golden brown eyes narrowed as she pulled on the leather bonds that were digging into her wrists. She unlocked her eyes from his cold, hard, green stare. Her gaze wandered down past his oval face and new gray stubble, to his clipboard. She was a lab experiment to him, nothing more, nothing less, just some tool to further his scientific gain. 1
“How are you feeling today, Aurora?” His voice took that all powerful tone she hated. She pulled once more on the bonds she knew held her firmly. She closed her eyes.2
“I’m tied to a table, about to become dissected by some psycho scientists with too much time on there hands. Peachy!” she growled, wishing she could cross her arms for emphasis. But the glare would have to do for now. 3
“Fiery as ever I see, that’s good.” She watched him scribble down on his clipboard with that emotionless expression. Her temper was starting to rise again, like it always did when he was in the room. She knew that he knew. He always knew everything, and she hated it.4
"Now Aurora, today is the big day. You should be happy; you get to be the first." He smiled at her as if she was his friend; she was not his friend, far from it. She watched more of them walk in, all robotic emotionless jerks. God, how she wished she could break free from these bonds and give them a good kick in the ass. She watched them scurry around, readying the tools for her ‘transformation’, as he called it. She watched them bring over something that looked like a mini gas-mask, but knew it was filled with knock-out gas. It was dream land for her soon, and she didn’t know if she was going to come back. She pulled at the bonds, trying not to breathe in the toxic bliss that was speeping her away to the peaceful darkness. 5
Author notes
Here is the prologue <.< hope you like ^^ wonder whats gonna happen to poor ole Aurora....<.< will she be cut up like sushi....or will someone come in to save the day O.O...find out in the first chapter of.....THE ACADEMY!!! DUM DUM DUM <.< Faith ^^
In a list
A contest entry
- Put Your Skills To The Test!! by Bloody-Ink.
450 points, ended March 31, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - From Fantasy 2 Erotica. You Name it. You write, I read!!! by Ashlyn Rose.
115 points, ended March 28, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 or younger. by tallblondie.
600 points, ended June 10, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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A very interesting and intriguing prologue. There is good mood and atmosphere in this piece, and the setting serves to paint a picture of mystery for the reader. I didn't see anything grammatically incorrect in the story and the cliffhanger you leave the reader with is nicely constructed. However, due to the fact you are over the age I requested for entry to this contest, I can not consider you as a finalist.
Thank you for your entry in ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 or younger and best of luck with your further writing endeavours!
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thank you
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it was good did you write anymore of this i really would like to continue aurora girl reminds me and probabily a lot of other girls about themselves
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lol
Thank yopu for the review and Yes I do, I have chapter one and Two and posting up the third...^^
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Dun dun dunnn
Very creepy and constrictive feel to it, very good for a prologue for sure. reading with the spaces is much easier btw, it really is.. didn't make me go.. ooo screw it glad to her you listened
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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ty....and It was Story write who was messing up everything T.T
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Gripping!
I really liked this, especially at the beginning when I first thought that she was in normal hospital, and then the sudden introduction of being restrained. Very good.
Main thing I would change would be lines between the paragraphs - this would make it seem less chunky and easier to read. Also, on the second line "And then there was the annoying white walls and ceiling and floor." This should be "And then there were the annoying white walls and ceiling and floor."
Other than that - fine!
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XD
I'm glade you linked it and thank you for commenting. Yes I have sometimes trouble with tenses and I do now have an editor ^^ And I was attempting to edit it yesterday But my computer Restarted. So I'm hoping I can get some editing Done today, Thank you ^^.
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Short and sweet, gotta love it. As a prologue, this works well. I really like the tone you are going for here, and I think it fits the urban fantasy genre like a glove. Just make sure you don't overdo the colloquialisms in your internal monologue, as it can get distracting pretty quickly.
There wasn't a lot of dialog, but what there was seemed good.
“I’m tied to a table about to become dissected by some psycho scientist with too much time on there hands, peachy!”
I'd make that into two sentences. I think it'd work better as "...on their hands. I'm peachy." Or something.
I did like the ending of this, and I think it makes an excellent hook. You should have no trouble getting people to read on. Nice job!
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Thank you I'm glade you liked it....And I am trying to edit it, I was yesterday and My cpu restarted on me so I'm a little peeved at that But I will hopefully Get it edited very soon ^^
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When you said your grammar was bad, I was expecting a lot worse than this ^^ This was actually quite good!
First things first: the title is spelt wrong. It should be "The Academy [Prologue]" and the paragraphing. Please gimme some paragraphs! [see previous comment for more details ^^]
"Beeping, all she could hear was that annoying beeping that cut like a knife through the silent air. " The punctuation in this sentence needs work. Perhaps it should be: "Beeping[.] All she could hear was that annoying beeping that cut like a knife through the silent air." Besides the punctuation, I really like this opening sentence. It really creates a mood.
"And then there was the annoying white walls and ceiling and floor." You flick into present tense here. It should be "And then there [were] the annoying white walls[,] ceiling and floor. I don't quite like the way you say annoying again. It makes the protagonist sound a bit whiney.
"Everything about that room annoyed her, picking what annoyed her the most though, that was difficult, until she locked eyes with him." Reading on here, I understand your reason for using the word. However, the punctuation needs work. "Everything about that room annoyed her[.] Picking what annoyed her most though, that was difficult, until she locked eyes with him."
"She unlocked her eyes from his cold hard green ones and looked down his oval face and new gray stubble to his clip bored." You are listing adjectives, so it should be "cold, hard, green" Another thing. I understand that you don't want to use the word "eyes" again, so you use "ones". It just sounds a bit strange to me. Perhaps you could say "stare"? The second part of the sentence doesn't flow very well. I suggest you break up the sentence. Suggestion: "[Her gaze wandered] down [past] his oval face and new gray stubble[,] to [settle upon] his [clipboard]. (It's one word).
"She was a lab experiment to him, nothing more nothing less, just some tool to further his scientific need. " you need a comma after "nothing more". Think about the phrase "scientific need". It doesn't really work in this context. Unless the character is causing the person to require more knowledge, instead of acquire more knowledge. Perhaps it should be "scientific gain".
"“How are you feeling today Aurora?” " comma after "today"
"he asked in that all powerful voice crap that always pissed her off." Too long. Particularly "all-powerful (yes it should be hyphenated) voice crap" please cut this down.
"She pulled once more on the bonds she knew held her firmly and closed her eyes." Ambiguous sentence. Separate it. Perhaps isolate "[She] closed her eyes." There's nothing wrong with short sentences ^^
"“I’m tied to a table about to become dissected by some psycho scientist with too much time on there hands, peachy!” she growled wishing she could cross her arms for emphasis." This should be something like ""I'm tied to a table[,] about to [be] dissected by some psycho scientist with too much time on [his] hands[.] Peachy!" she growled[,] wishing she could cross her arms for emphasis."
"“Fiery as ever I see, that’s good.”" Should be ""Fiery as ever[,] I see[.] That's good.""
"She knew he knew, he always knew everything, and she hated it. " should be "She knew [that] he knew[.] He always knew everything, and she hated it." This is a very effective part that is made even better when you break it up. =)
"“Now Aurora, today is the big day, you should be happy, you get to be the first.”" should be ""Now Aurora, today is the big day[.] You should be happy[;] you get to be the first.""
"God how she wished she could break free from these bonds and give them a good ole kick in the ass." comma after "God". The phrase "good ole kick in the ass" is way too conversational. "good kick in the ass" I can live with.
"She watched them scurry around readying the tools for her ‘transformation’ as he called it." comma after "around" comma after "'transormation'"
"She snorted to herself ‘more like mutation!’" I don't like this sentence. It feels like you are revealing too much here, thus losing some of the mystery you had attained. Delete?
"She watched them bring over something that looked like a mini gass mask, but knew it was filled with knock out gass." "gass mask" should be hyphenated, as should "knock out".
"She pulled on the bonds as the tried not to breathe in the toxic bliss that was sweeping her away to the peaceful darkness. " too long. Try "She pulled [at] the bonds[,] [trying] not to breathe in the toxic bliss that was speeping her away to the peaceful darkness." I really like this line! please change it ^^ I don't think you need anything else after this line. It ends with a lovely line that really draws the reader in. The rest is just unnecessary
Great job with this prologue! It is really engaging, hooking the reader with some really nice lines both at the start and the end. I look forward to reading more ^^ -
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O.O
TYSVM! I tried editing it yesterday but My computer restarted on me, But I edited it right now. I hope I did a good job and you can yell at me if I didn't XD And Thank you for commenting and editing as well. and I'm glade you liked it.
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An interesting start to your story. Aroura sounds like a very interesting character with a really cool attitude, no playing the victim for her!
Some Advice:
- Formatting: Okay, so this looks like one giant paragraph on here which means one of two things. 1) You typed it as such and it needs to be broken into smaller sections and seperated out because it gives the reader a headache and can easily turn them away. 2) SW screwed up and you typed it in with format or pasted it in or whatever. To fix this, go to edit, check the body of your story and make sure that where you want paragraphs to break is indented like it would be in a word doccument. Scroll down to the bottom where you have the check boxes and check the one that says 'fix line spacing' and update, that should fix it.
- Editing: You have some errors scattered throughout this but since its short you should be able to find and fix them easy enough. For example gass should be gas.
- First Paragraph: The first paragraph is key, it is your hook, it determines if your reader stays or goes off to read the next story. Since at the moment this is all one giant paragraph lets go with the first section/segment=
Beeping, all she could hear was that annoying beeping that cut like a knife through the silent air. And then there was the annoying white walls and ceiling and floor. Everything about that room annoyed her, picking what annoyed her the most though, that was difficult, until she locked eyes with him. (This would likely be your first paragraph).
The first sentence is good but in a way a little cliche, a lot of people have their characters start out by waking up in a hospital and by the way this is writen it sounds like a hospital on first glance and if your reader doesn't stick around they won't know differntly.
Your second sentence I'd say could use a little work. It sounds a little awkward and you already used the word annoying, try not to repeat descriptive words. Try: Then there was the (blinding, irritating, blaring) white walls that matched the floor and ceiling; trapping her in a steril white box (of insanity?). Mines not much better but maybe that helps?
Third/last sentence is good but you overuse the word ANNOYING its a wonderful word but you use it too many times in too few words.
Okay, I'm done picking this apart. I hope this helps. I don't mean to be rude, you have a good idea I just needs a little work. I'd like to read more of this though.
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ty
It has been edited. I'm glade you liked it and Yes the rest will be just as bad with grammar and such. I am now getting someone to edit it so I hope it helps But until then it will be horribly grammar filled >.<. Anyway, Thank you for the review and commenting on it I really do appreciate it.
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Ummmmm......about the rules.....your entry must be a minimum of 600 words......this is about 326 short. If you wanna lengthen it I'd be happy to include it with the possible winners.
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>.<
It's exactly how I wanted it and to full it with extra nonsense would make it bad...so sorry....You can DQ it T.T
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Sounds kinda scary Dx but I love it! For some reason the bad guys always have me drawn to them O.o so I really like this guy xD feel sorry for Aurora though! D:
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