Ryan

It’s said that people grieve differently, that for some people it takes weeks, months, years to truly get over the feeling of loss that is associated with the death of a loved one. It’s different however when it comes to the only person who ever truly cared about you, the only person who ever gave a damn about your life and the pain that came with it. 1

For Ryan the past month had felt as if his heart was breaking over and over again. He had lost the only person who had truly loved him and now he was alone. Everything was gone.2

The night lights of San Francisco blurred as tears slipped from Ryan’s eyes and made their way down his cheeks. A bitter fall wind whipped at him from the top of the hill and stung his eyes, adding to the tears. He knew he should be cold, but he couldn’t feel it, he couldn’t feel anything except for the cool metal of the gun he brushed against his cheek. 3

--4

Abraham Lincoln High School was located in San Francisco’s The Sunset district. The custard yellow walls of the main building glowed in the morning sun that made it through breaks in the dense fog. Students climbed the concrete steps, their backs turned to the distant Pacific Ocean, calling out to friends and clustering around in groups before period one classes began. It looked just like a glamorised scene out of some teen movie where the directors had no idea about school life. 5

Ryan dipped his head a little, trying to ignore the taunts that were flung at him from a group of boys sitting not far from where he was waiting.6

Come on, Jayke. Where are you! He thought to himself.7

Jayke was Ryan’s best and only friend. They had met four years ago in junior high and had each begged one another’s parents to allow them to attend the same high school as the other. They were now in their junior year of high school and the bond they had formed was incredibly tight.8

Ryan thought about giving Jayke a playful reprimand for being late when he arrived, but when he finally turned up, it was with a down cast face and tears in his eyes. He took Jayke in his arms and held him before asking him what had happened, fully aware that the group of boys were gawking at them from their seats. 9

‘He keeps hitting me, Ryan,’ he sobbed quietly. ‘He…he kicked me this morning because I wasn’t moving fast enough,’ Jayke lifted his shirt a little and exposed the large purple bruise that had already began to form.10

Ryan gingerly touched the area around the bruise – causing one of the boys sitting near by to shout out “faggots” – and shook his head sadly. 11

“Did you tell your mother?” he asked him.12

Jayke looked at him through his black fringe and bit his lip. “What’s the point, RyRy? She’s never done anything about it in the past. You know all she cares about is where the money for the next lot of booze is going to come from” 13

The shrill ring of the warning bell sounded. Ryan looked at his friend in concern and, trying to keep the pain he felt out of his voice, asked. “Have you…have you hurt yourself?” 14

Jayke broke eye contact with Ryan and looked down at his feet before nodding slowly. “Yeah”15

The day passed slowly for them. In fourth period they had history, where they sat in the back of the classroom and ignored the various objects that were thrown at them whenever the teacher’s back was turned. When the bell rang, a girl with dirty blonde hair and blood shot eyes who had been sitting in the middle of the classroom took a detour to their tables and knocked their books onto the floor, smiling happily, before heading out into the hall. 16

Ryan knelt down and started gathering their stuff up off of the lino. While he was down there collecting their books a pair of perfectly manicured toe-nails stepped into his line of vision. He cast his gaze upwards. Above him stood one of the ‘plastic’ girls. “Ya’ know if you two weren’t so ‘emo’ then maybe people wouldn’t hate you as much,” she said sweetly.17

The boys, who were used to being constantly labelled for the way they looked, shrugged off her insult and left her in the classroom. 18

“If she didn’t sound so fake about it, I would’ve believed she was trying to give us advice,’ Ryan said as he and Jayke headed towards the cafeteria. 19

“No one gives us advice, RyRy,’ Jayke said shouldering the cafeteria door open. The buzz of chattering teenagers filled the air as they walked in. Each group sat at its own table depending where you were situated in the social hierarchy. 20

The boys took their trays of toxic waste and sat at the back most table, next to the windows. The fog had burnt off but the sunny morning had petered away into a dismal day. It hadn’t started to rain yet but lightening lit up the sky from time to time. 21

Jayke stared off dreamily out the window as he played with his food.22

‘What are you thinking about?’ Ryan asked.23

Jayke shrugged. ‘Even though we get picked on at school I always feel happier here than at home because I know that this isn’t going to last forever. Granted a lot of the stuff done hurts but it’ll be over soon won’t it? The stuff at home…that’s permanent. Unless I do something about it.’24

Ryan smiled at his friend. It was very rare to see Jayke happy and looking back on their friendship, he could count on two hands the amount of times Jayke had truly smiled. Ryan grinned.25

‘Why are you smiling, RyRy?” Jayke asked, curiously.26

‘Because of you.’27

Jayke blushed and cast his eyes downwards, smiling too. His smile disappeared, however, as an audible splat sounded. Behind him stood one of the boys from earlier that day who had grabbed a handful of mashed potatoes and had smeared it over Jayke’s back. ‘Hey, faggot! Wanna give me a head job? That’s what you do isn’t it?’ Then the boy pulled him out of his chair and dragged him to the floor, causing his sleeve to tear, before walking back to his friends. Jayke winced a little and tried in vain to keep his tears from falling. 28

Ryan knelt down beside him squeezed his friends arm kindly. ‘You okay?’ he asked29

Jayke shook his head, glumly biting his lip.30

‘Wanna go outside?’31

Jayke nodded and gathered his bag.32

In the silence of the cafeteria, the two of them made their way towards the door. Once they were out in the quad Ryan took off his hoodie and slipped it over Jayke’s shoulders. He then wrapped his arms around him tightly.33

‘Is it bad?’ Jayke asked, his voice muffled from talking into Ryan’s shoulder. 34

‘A little, I think the stain will come out but your sleeve is ripped.’ 35

Jayke sniffled. “I just hope that Mum and Dad don’t notice it”36

That night, Ryan lay in his bed staring out the window at the lights of the Bay Bridge in the distance. He wiped a tear off his cheek and listened to the sounds of his parent’s voices quarrelling loudly downstairs in the parlour. That wasn’t his concern though, not tonight. He was worried about Jayke. 37

When he had gotten home he had sent him a text message asking if he was okay, that was six hours ago. Now he lay awake and waited for a text back from Jayke. 38

He knew what went on in his friends house, knew that if Jayke’s father was capable of beating his child he could be capable of anything. Ryan could even remember when it had started, just before freshman year of high school when Jayke and Ryan had gone to the police. Jayke had come over, sobbing and told Ryan that his father had tried to rape him. The police investigated but because Jayke’s father was a well respected former police lieutenant, no charges were laid. Ever since then Jayke’s father had taken to beating him. 39

When Ryan’s phone vibrated across his bedside table, he scrambled up out from under his covers and grabbed for it. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the message was from Jayke but it didn’t tell him if he was okay or not. All it said was: Meet me at Corona Heights Park. 40

Ryan got out of his bed and dressed before crawling out of his window and down the lattice work bolted to the side house. Once he was on the ground he ran up the steep street towards the looming hill ahead of him and the barren looking park on its peak. 41

Once he reached the peak the shimmering view of the city lights unfolded around him. It was beautiful and silent except for the scream of an ambulance siren fading towards a hospital. 42

It wasn’t long before Jayke arrived, limping along a path with a shoulder bag hanging across his chest. He walked into Ryan’s open arms and clutched at his shirt, letting his tears drip onto Ryan’s chest.43

Ryan held him and let his friend calm down before he asked what had happened. They sat down on a low boulder and Jayke told the story of how when he got home his dad had noticed the stain and torn sleeve and how he accused him of being a fifthly pig and of having no respect for his parents money. ‘He kept hitting me, and hitting me. Every time I opened my mouth to speak, he’d threaten to kill me if I spoke a word. But, I wanted to clear my name, to tell him that it wasn’t me. But when I did he called me a liar and slammed me against the wall. That wasn’t the worst part though.’44

Ryan’s eyes widened thinking how on earth anything else could be worse than what Jayke had just been through. ‘Go on,’ Ryan prompted and slipped his hand into Jayke’s, giving it a squeeze of encouragement.45

Jayke took a deep breath and squeezed back and said. ‘The worst part is that he’s blaming you for the way I’ve turned out. That it was your fault that we went to the police, that it’s because of you he can’t stand what I’ve become,’ A fresh batch of tears spilled from his eyes. ‘He’s…he’s forbidden me from seeing you again, RyRy. He’s threatening to move us down to Los Angeles to get me away from your influence.’46

Ryan burst out. ‘What! He can’t do that! There’s just no way…’47

Jayke put a finger over his friend’s lips and sighed heavily. ‘I know. I’m not going to go Ryan, I can’t.’48

‘But, he won’t let you. If you refuse there’s no telling what he could do Jayke,’ Ryan’s eyes glistened. ‘Please, don’t let him hurt you anymore than he already has. Not for me.’49

Jayke stared out towards the lights of downtown and didn’t look at Ryan when he said. ‘He’s not going to get the chance to hurt me, Ryan,’ he said as he carefully produced a gun from his bag.50

Ryan’s eyes widened as a thousand thoughts of what Jayke could do ran rampant through his head. ‘You’re going to kill him?!’51

Jayke looked at the gun in his hands and shook his head, not answering. A silent understanding passed between them before Ryan asked. ‘It’s for you…isn’t it?’52

Jayke bit his lip and didn’t answer. Instead he looked back out over the city and said. ‘It’s so beautiful up here.’ 53

Below them the lights of San Francisco spread out like a patch work over the many hills and valleys towards the bay. 54

‘I won’t let you do it, Jayke. You can’t!’55

‘You have to,” he said to Ryan calmly. ‘I’d rather be dead than have a life without you in it. I wouldn’t survive a year in Los Angeles.’56

Jayke stood with the gun and helped Ryan to his feet. Tears spilled down the boys cheeks as they stared at one another, looking deep into each others eyes, both re-living what they had been through together. Remembering the first day they had met when Ryan had hugged Jayke when he had found him crying alone. 57

“I love you so much, Ryan,” Jayke said, his voice quivering. 58

“I love you too,” Ryan whispered and gently touched his friend’s cheek. Slowly he lowered his mouth towards Jayke’s and kissed him gently, trying to cram all his feelings towards Jayke into that one kiss. 59

Jayke closed his eyes and raised the gun to his head, his hand shaking as he pulled back the hammer. His finger twitched on the trigger, pulling away and then squeezing gently. He smiled when he felt Ryan’s warm hand on top of his. He savoured the touch knowing it was going to be the last time he ever felt it. 60

‘Ready?’ Ryan choked.61

Jayke squeezed his eyes tighter and nodded. 62

‘We can run away, you know,’ Ryan whispered into Jayke’s ear. ‘Just please don’t leave me behind, Jayke.’ 63

Jayke looked into Ryan’s pleading eyes and suddenly felt a pang of guilt. He kissed Ryan again. ‘I love you.’ 64

Ryan held Jayke and rest his chin on top of his head. His heart was still beating a mile a minute and he was still shaking, but he was relieved. He’d saved the life of his best friend. The one person in the world he was truly grateful too. ‘Come on,’ he said taking Jayke’s hand. ‘We have to go.’65

‘Where, RyRy?’ 66

‘Anywhere, but here,’ he replied. 67

--68

Hot tears slid down his face as he thought back on what had happened in this very spot almost a month ago and the short life that they had had together afterwards. 69

But now it was just his finger on the trigger. He took comfort in the fact that he would be seeing Jayke again soon and that he had to be happy where ever he was; because where ever he was had to be better than here. A warm breeze caressed Ryan’s face as he took a deep breath and raised the gun to his head. His last thought was of Jayke’s smile as he gently pulled the trigger.70