I Hate Just How Much I Really Do Love You

I can still remember the day I first met him, Nikko… it will be forever embellished into my complex mind. My sister dragged me to his house, because she was best friends with his mother. It was awkward to say the least. The two of them had something planned out, and to this day, I’m not too entirely sure what it was. But, I knew it had something to do with getting him and me together.1

I was sitting in the living room, talking to his sister when the bathroom door opened, and out he stepped out like an angel from the arch way to heaven. The light was shinning just right behind him, and it was like he stepped right out of it himself. He had nothing on but red boxers, and he was dripping with water from head to foot. He was gorgeous, and I found myself wishing things I had never wished to do with a person before.2

I think I spoke a total of 10 words to him that night, I was so shy. But, when my sister dragged me along with her yet again the next day, I spoke to him for the full four hours. We talked about school, video games, and just life. I know it seems so boring, but in my mind, that was complete bliss. He became my best friend, and I don’t think I could have asked for anyone better.3

We had out fights, like normal people. They were mostly about stupid things, like who had what math problem right, or who was better at writing. That was us though, that was how our friendship was so freaking amazing. 4

I remember one day, the fight was about one of my boyfriends. His name was Justin, and he was literally the school hunk. I can remember so many girls from every grade whispering behind their hands as I sauntered down the hallway, not a care in the world. Nikko was afraid for me. He told me Justin was nothing but an asshole, and that he would only break my heart in the end. I refused to believe him. I was happy with this guy.5

I was with Justin for three months before Nikko’s comment came true. I walked in on my boyfriend and my best girlfriend screwing on her couch. Imagine how I must have felt- so stupid that I hadn’t listened to Nikko. But, in the end, he didn’t even flaunt it in my face. He only held me as I cried.6

Not too long after that, my parents got a divorce, and my dad started taking out his anger on me. I soon progressed the habit of running away from him when I knew he would be in a mood. I would always run to Nikko. Eventually though, the cops got sick and tired of having to go to his house once a week and told me that if I did it again, I would go to a foster home, or I would have to live with my biological mother. I ran away again, and it was decided I would live with my mother. 7

The day before I moved was my sweet 16, and Nikko didn’t show up. When I went to his house later that night to ask, he wouldn’t answer me. But instead, he hugged me for as long as he could. I realized I was so in love with this boy, and he didn’t even know it.8

When I tried to leave his house that night, he literally pulled me close and begged me not to go. It took everything inside me to pull away and hold the tears in until I managed to get outside. Knowing that I loved him would make it that much harder to actually leave.9

When I moved, I hardly spoke to him on the phone. It was always so hard for me to hear his voice… the want, and the pain. I couldn’t stand it. That was when I got into the habit of messaging him on myspace all the time. We always had either so much to talk about, or so little. Either way, though, we never stopped talking.10

We talked about everything, but most of all, how much we really missed each other, though I was only an hour away. I still only got to see him once a month, if we were that lucky. 11

Just when I thought I was actually getting somewhere with him, when I thought that I was going to tell him I loved him and he would say it back, and we would live happily ever after, those hopes and thoughts were suddenly shut down. 12

It was October 10th, about 9 in the morning when called me and told me about his ‘great’ news. I couldn’t breathe when he uttered those words… “I have a girlfriend.” I was so jealous, and I wanted to hurt whoever this girl was, but Nikko seemed happy, and that was all that mattered to me, his happiness. I sacrificed my heart for that. 13

At first, she treated him like the angel that he is. And then, she turned crazy or something and started abusing him both mentally and physically. Not to mention she cheated on him god knows how many times, and she said it was because the voices in her head told her to. I hated her, and I wanted nothing more than to put her in a hospital. But, I kept my mouth shut, because for some reason still a mystery to me, he was happy with her. 14

That December, I started dating Freddy. This guy was amazing. He was so sweet, bought me things, and told me I was beautiful all the time. When I told Nikko about him, Nikko only got upset and didn’t offer me any kind of congratulations. He again said that he would only end up as a jerk that would break my heart in the end. I ignored him and refused to believe him, because Freddy was so different from Justin.15

I was wrong, and Nikko was right.. Freddy ended up cheating on me four times, and pressured me to do so much that I didn’t want to do. He finally got annoyed with the fact that I would refuse to sleep with him, and broke up with me so he could have someone to sleep with. I was shattered. I was with this guy for 5 months, and I actually thought that I loved him. It seemed nothing would work for me in the end.16

That summer, when I was talking to Nikko on msn, he told me something that made me cry from success, relief, and complete and total heartbreak. He loved me to death, he always had. But, he just never had enough guts to tell me. And now, I was in the next state, and hour away, and his girlfriend was there. He loved us both, but she was there. At least I knew that he loved me, and that was all that really mattered.17

After that Nikko was a lot nicer to me, and Ashly, his girlfriend, was a lot worse to him. But again, I kept my mouth shut. Then, finally, after them dating for a year and three months, I finally opened my mouth. I told him how I felt about her.18

“She is nothing but a stupid conniving bitch out to destroy your life. She’s a fucking whore, Nikko, and she hurts you all the time! It’s bullshit, and I hate her for it, I hate her for hurting you. You deserve so much better than her, and you know it.”19

I felt horrible for saying all this. I loved Nikko, and I didn’t want to hurt him in the least bit, and I knew that I had just hurt him, and it was eating me alive. 20

Three days after that, I received a text from Mik, his sister. She informed me that Nikko had just broken up with Ashly, and when I asked why, she said, “Must have been something you said, because he’s been talking about it since you last spoke to him”.21

I stupidly got my hopes up once more. I thought, maybe now is the time that I can actually be with him, that I can actually have someone that I was madly in love with, and he felt the same way back. However, he started talking to my best friend and flirted with her like crazy. I soon lost confidence. But, I never stopped loving him. 22

One Saturday, not too long ago, he called me up at about one in the morning just to talk. I loved this. He hardly ever called me anymore. We talked about how my best friend liked him. He wanted to know why.23

“Because you flirt with her all the time,” I answered.24

“It’s a reflex,” he laughed. “I can’t help it. When someone flirts with me, I automatically flirt back. Don’t be so jealous. If it makes you feel better, I mean everything I say to you when I flirt with you, and I don’t when I flirt with her.” 25

Of course that made me feel better, but I wouldn’t admit it. 26

Soon enough, my best friend was talking about him all the time, about their phone conversations and how she thought he was so good looking. I kept replaying his words in my head, but they weren’t helping. Nothing could help. I knew I lost him.27

My best friend met him just the other day, and she told me she really liked him. I was so afraid, and I called up Nikko and asked him if he liked her. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer, but I knew what it was. He liked her too. This one guy, that I was so head over heels in love with, fell for my best friend, and she fell for him too. It’s just my luck, right?28

I let everyone think it’s not a big deal, but in fact, it is killing me inside. It is a major deal. It’s the worse thing that could ever happen to someone, and it happened to me twice. I cried until I could cry no more. I wrote him letters until my wrist locked up and would write no more. I was so heartbroken, so shattered. He had ripped apart my heart, stomped on it, completely mutilated it, and expected me to put the pieces back together again, but I could not. He would never understand the hurt that he had put me through.29

But the thing that sucks most about all of this… I still love him. My shattered heart, the victim of his cruel ways, refuses to let him go. On the inside, I am thankful. But none-the-less, there is still a part of me that completely hates him. They fight all the time, the two sides…. They can never decide if I hate the boy, or if I love him. The love side almost always wins.30

He has had my heart for a while, and will always have my heart, even if he doesn’t know it. The worst kind of love is loving someone who loves you, but doesn’t love you enough to take you. The worst kind of hate is hating someone you know that you can never stop loving.31