Danger

1

Firey Jim was a classmate of mine at both primary and secondary school during the 1970’s and 1980’s. Anyone who knew young James only in the passing would have thought that his nickname was somewhat of a misnomer. Firstly his name was not Jim, but for reasons known only to himself, it was the only name he would answer to and secondly he was probably one of the most mild mannered and level headed chaps around.2

The problem was that Firey Jim, along with the rest of us, had been all too easily impressed and completely taken in by a particular television show during the mid to late 1970’s. The show to which I refer was the piss poor Six Million Dollar Man, staring a supposedly bionically enhanced Steve Austin played by the craggy faced and curly haired Lee Majors.3

Clearly the production company’s budget for special effects matched their unlikely stars limited acting ability. As whenever some bionic feet was called for, like leaping over a high wall or running really, really fast, we were treated to a shoddy slow motion sequence accompanied by the ubiquitous “Na na na na na” sound effect.4

This of course led to legions of small boys running around school playgrounds the length and breadth of the nation in super slow motion shouting “I’m the bionic man! Na na na na na!” Nothing wrong with that I hear you thinking, all good clean fun, no harm in it, no harm at all and of course you would be right. However fast forward to 1981 and the next televisual onslaught by the curly haired purveyor of American tat, the even worse, if that was possible, The Fall Guy.5

The Fall Guy saw our hero playing a Hollywood stuntman called Colt Seavers, who not content with raking in bundles of cash from the film industry, also moonlighted as a bounty hunter. Now being several years older and being on the cusp of becoming teenagers, most of us had moved on and outgrown being taken in, or even amused slightly by the dreadful acting and equally atrocious plot lines.6

However as you know, most is not all and for reasons only clear to himself Firey Jim was a fan, nay, loved the show. This led the misguided Jim to embark on an ill-conceived training programme, which he believed would set him on the path to becoming a Hollywood action type chap.7

His disregard for self preservation knew no bounds and his list of crimes included. 8

Regularly, despite his mother’s forlorn lectures, leaving the family house by jumping from his fist floor bedroom window, rather than the more traditional method of using the front door.9

Attempting to ride his Raleigh Griffter bicycle, at top speed, down the fifteen or so steep concrete steps in the town’s main shopping street.10

Dipping his fingers in alcohol, setting light to them and running round our science class waving them around while screaming “Run for your lives!”11

Oh how the teachers laughed as he reduced the feebler minded of our number to drivelling wrecks on a weekly basis.12

After numerous detentions, letters to his parents from the headmaster, being escorted home by the local plod and visits to the accident and emergency department of our towns health centre. Firey Jim had finally calmed down and gotten all of his daredevil antics out of his system.13

Or so we thought!14

Enter in to the tale Ms. Marks, our nubile nymphet of a French teacher, who had been unluckily, for her, assigned to our class as guidance teacher and therefore our provider of careers advice.15

Top marks to her as she did genuinely appear to have an interest in our hopes and aspirations for the future. There were the usual career choices such as policemen, electricians, nurses, hairdressers and the like. 16

Then doom! 17

She asked Jim and I quote “Now then what would you like to be when you leave school?” 18

Firey Jim paused for a moment, a hush fell over our form room and then he said it. “I’m going to be a stuntman!” He said with great pride in his voice. The room erupted into a mixture of laughter and howls of derision.19

After Ms. Marks had steadied herself and managed to suppress the fit of the giggles it was clear she was fighting, she quietened the class down and said. “Now then James, that’s not really a practical career choice. Don’t you think you should perhaps specialize in something?”20

“I will specialize.” Jim answered.21

“Good James! What will you specialize in?” Asked Ms. Marks, clearly relieved and of the opinion that Jim had only said it to get a laugh.22

“Death defiance!” He said.23

Oh spoons!24

The class once again descended in to uproar and my ribs actually ached from laughing so hard. Jim for his troubles was sent for summary execution to the dratted Mr. Crampbell our deputy headmaster.25